Ask Me Help Desk - What does he mean?

My boyfriend and I broke up after one year and ten months. Last Thursday I asked him if he loved me. He said that we did not know, that he cared for me very deeply, that I am incredibly important to him, but that he is not sure if we are on the same page. Since then he has told me that he misses me, he is not sure if wants to move on without me, and that he does see a future with me "other wise why invest so much time with a person." BUT, he said that he has not allowed himself to open up completely and needs time to figure out what it is that he feels. He said that he knows he is taking a risk by letting me go, but that he wants to be the man that I deserve. I am letting him go and I will try to move on, but I can't stop thinking about it, what I don't understand is how I could have been so wrong. There were so many moments that I truly felt that he loved me, of course I wanted to hear it, but his touch, look and kisses told me that he did love me. He has assured me that there is no one else, and I believe him--I trust him. He's 29 and part of me thinks that he's afraid of settling down. I'm sorry for making this so long, but I need help. I truly feel in my heart that we are right for each other; everything about our relationship was wonderful--except this one issue. Why can't he be the man that he says I deserve? Why can't he give himself to me completely?

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Why can't he be the man that he says I deserve? Why can't he give himself to me completely?

That's his problem to work out for himself, and I can bet he has deeper issues than just this. Not your fault he isn't capable of giving you what you want.

Your hurt is still to fresh right now, but give yourself time.

He can only be who he is.

This is who he is - someone that has cared about you and who now says that he's uncertain.

He can't make himself what you want him to be and he's telling you that.

Be grateful that you felt loved and were loved.
Be grateful that he had the maturity to be honest with you about his feelings.

Try and be mature in your response and accept his decision, even though you may not understand it.

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Originally Posted by terereci

...he said that he has not allowed himself to open up completely and needs time to figure out what it is that he feels. ..... part of me thinks that he's afraid of settling down.... Why can't he give himself to me completely?

He's not ready. That's it.

His touch, look, and kisses told you that he did love you, but maybe that's not all he was saying. He just told you that he has to deepen himself so he can open up completely to anyone, including you. He's got some growing to do.

Best thing is as Gem says, be grateful for what you had. Do what we all do at such times... assimilate the experience, heal your heart, and move on.

He knows how you feel. He asked for time and space to figure things out, so leave it at that. If he comes back then great!

It's a good idea to start moving on in case he doesn't come back. There's no reason to put your life on hold.

Thank you for all your responses. In a way I already knew all these things. It's just hard to let go of something that felt so right in my heart.

He has continued to call me and text me to let me know that he misses me and needed to hear my voice. I told him to take that time that he asked for and to let me move on with my life. He said that he knows it isn't fair. That he's not asking me to wait, but that he really is thinking of me and is not moving on yet. I told him that I was fine, I appreciated his honesty and that it was all for the best. He then said that I sounded like I was over him, that he didn't want to hear me cry, but that he doesn't want to hear that everything is "great & dandy" or for me to act like I don't care. Obviously, I care a lot otherwise I wouldn't be in so much pain; I'm trying to move on and I have many other joys in my life to focus on. I want nothing more than to let him go and get him out of my heart. I know this will take time. I just wish that he hadn't said these things because it all just adds to my confusion, and quite honestly, makes me angry. I don't want to be angry at him. We didn't end things on a sour note, it just wasn't meant to be and I know that someday we MIGHT be able to be friends. I never thought I'd say this, but I wish Summer was over. That way I would have some distance with this and HOPEFULLY be in a different place.

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Originally Posted by terereci

...He has continued to call me and text me to let me know that he misses me and needed to hear my voice. I told him to take that time that he asked for and to let me move on with my life.

NOW, he's jerking you around, as well as himself, by playing "I'm out but I'm in" (into a relationship with you). You are right to not want to end things on a sour note, but he will drag this on testing you and trying to keep his options open without respecting you or your needs.

You keep the center of power within you by making your choices and sticking to them. Don't let his confusion become yours. There is a fully-adult male somewhere just looking for you. When you are ready, let him find you.

Tao

To find a person who will love you for no reason,
and to shower that person with reasons, that is
the ultimate happiness. -Robert Brault (1938- )