Really long story, we were perfect, and then.
I'll start right from the very beginning, I'm only 18 but please don't think I'm being silly about all this. I first started seeing my boyfriend when we were only 16. We were so in love and happy and that was obvious to everyone who saw us.
I fell pregnant on my 17th birthday, this was a hard time as he was just joining the army like he'd hoped and dreamed of since he was a young boy and I was just starting sixth form. So we decided it was best to terminate the pregnancy. This killed us both, he was still only 16 and it hit us hard, we were not emotionally prepared for that and it still affects us now. Months went by and we were so very happy, we hadn't argued once, but we broke up last February because of him being away all the time, and my need to seek for care and attention, plus the added stress from the abortion. He said he didn't love me anymore, this broke me, it was the worse time in my life and within the next few months I fell completely into depression, I just wanted him back and felt sick and regretfull about the abortion.
Time went on, he got back with his ex and I had a string of flings with anyone who was willing to make me feel temporarily wanted. A year went by and I was finally feeling better about my life, I was happy again, so happy. Then he came back into my life, we hadn't completely lost contact before this and would speak for hours on the phone, and several times he had said he regretted splitting up with me, anyway I was reluctant but he promised he'd be better this time and he'd grown up a lot so we got back together. The next three months were BLISS, we fell completely and utterly in love with one another, we were perfect and I know he thought so too. I don't know why but I started to feel abit neglected, I was being paranoid I know and I told him I want him to spend more time with me when he's home because I don't feel like he cares very much. I don't know why I said this, because I know that he cares so much more than anyone else but we had been drinking and I just got upset. We talked or a while about it and he left, returning to camp the day after. I heard nothing from him in the following week, my texts went unanswered, as did my calls but he finally rang me last night.
When I asked him what had been going on why haven't I spoke to him all week, he said what I had said to him in the weekend had really affected him, upset him and hurt him badly and he cannot stop thinking about it. He said he has lost so much enthusiasm for our relationship and has never been from one extreme to the next in such a short time, he said he doesn't know what he wants now, he's not sure if he loves me anymore, and he's not sure if he wants to be with me, but he THINKS he still wants to be with me. He said he's not going to be comng home or the next few weeks because he simply doesn't want to, he doesn't look forward to coming home anymore and it's easier to stay where he is and all he wants to do now is work. I told him I'm just waiting for him to leave me and that I couldn't do it again and how hard it was to hear from him that he is unsure of whether he loves me, I asked him if we could fix it and all he said is, "i don't know" he just kept saying "i don't know" and he go angry when I was telling him how much he means to me and asking him what he wants, saying I was trying to direct him :confused: then his phone battery died and he's left his charger back at home, this means I won't speak to him or see him for at least three weeks.
I feel lost now, 8 days ago we were the happiest most in love people in the world and I feel like I have thrown all we have away due to one silly conversation. The thing is, I don't know what to do now, I know I will never ever make the decision to leave him and it would kill me if he left me again, I've got lots of history with him and he's the only person I have ever loved. He's the most important thing to me, I care about him so very much, he's everything to me and I can't stand feeling like I've ruined things. Has anyone been in a similar situation or can offer me some advice or something? I don't really know what I'm asking for I'm just in utter despair and I'm so so very lost at the minute?
Thank you for reading help if you can :)
Nancy.
