My husband and I have been married almost 5 years now. We are still young and in the military and move around a lot.. even before we were married. The ups and downs are almost never-ending it seems. One minute it seems like everything is fine and normal, the next it feels like we are so uncompatible and just too different to see eye to eye. We are from two different cultures, worlds, traditions, lifestyles.. but opposites attract, right? Well.. I am thinking not so much anymore. Our differences seem to be tearing us apart and after all these years my husband has decided that he isn't happy and I am causing the issues in our relationship. He feels that I am too co-dependent, since we just moved across the country-again-and I haven't found a job yet and that I always want to be around him. It is really hard always establishing roots in a place and then just picking them up again to go start over somewhere else where you don't have anyone else. He also doesn't like anything I like apparently, like traveling and going to the beach and going out dancing or just hanging out with other people. Says I force him to do these things and I am pretty sure he resents me for it all. He says he doesn't want to give anymore and to change... and this of course is not the first time we have had these types of fights. I have offered to go to marriage counseling- we only went once. I told him that he could go across country by himself-but no he wanted to buy a home here and start a family and now that I am here, he hits me with this. Says that he is telling me this so that one day I don't come home and catch him with another woman! I always has a feeling deep down that we weren't going to last... that is terrible isn't it? I love him.. he is good to me most times.. could be a lot worse. I am grateful for the life we have together.. but should I be a completely different person to stay with him or should I leave and be myself and find someone who appreciates me for me? Should we try a trial separation to see if divorce may be the answer? I feel almost too scared to be alone.. I feel like moving so much has alienated me from those whom I used to call good friends and family and like I don't know if I could start all over again. But do we stay miserable together because we don't want to divorce? I know every marriage goes through their tough times but how do you know when it isn't going to work? Please help me...

Something told you that it wasn't going to work. So follow your instincts. When a relationship robs you of you it is not good.
Something told me that my marriage wasn't going to work and I chalked it up to normal worries. I ended up divorced 12 years later because I kept putting off the inevidible.

Many things in your post remind me of me.

I moved many times as well. No sooner did we get settled, and the kids in school, and I started meeting people, the house was for sale again, and away we went.

During each move, my husband was on the road. He never established any friends, or was around to do much, except on the weekends, and those we spent at the rink.

What I learned was that eventually the moving stopped, and he was essentially the same person he was before all the moves. He doesn't like to socialize much, he has no hobbies and we share no common interests. What had kept me busy and occupied in the early years were the kids.

Then what happens after that. What I learned was, how to be independent. I established friends, and make every effort to see them regularly. I took up biking, I write short stories, I went back to school for more qualifications to land a job.

They called us 'the odd couple' when we married, and we are still the odd couple. What we do have in common are our shared values, deep affection/love, and respect for each other. Words and actions and activities do not always signify 'success' in a relationship.

You may even start doing all kinds of things together, but people change, the nature of the relationship changes, but the core, the couple, never changes.

We are both individually very happy with our lives. We always meet at the end of the day, there is always a lot of talk and laughter. I enjoy his company, he enjoys mine. We just don't have the same interests.

I wouldn't give up on a marriage so easily. Find things that you enjoy doing, and do them. If he is encouraging you to not be 'co-dependent', then he's probably feeling your happiness is going to be dependent upon him, and it shouldn't be that way.

I've been married 33 years this July, and had I listened when people said it would never work (also very different backgrounds), I would have missed all the greatest joys and events of my life.

So, from this side of the fence, I'd say, try harder before you throw in the towel. And good luck.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Jake2008

You may even start out doing all kinds of things together, but people change, the nature of the relationship changes, but the core, the couple, never changes.

So, from this side of the fence, I'd say, try harder before you throw in the towel. And good luck.

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This is profound. I'll second it. Forget what others think. Work on you (because you can't change him,) through counseling if need be.

I wouldn't give up on a marriage so easily. Find things that you enjoy doing, and do them. If he is encouraging you to not be 'co-dependent', then he's probably feeling your happiness is going to be dependent upon him, and it shouldn't be that way.

I've been married 33 years this July, and had I listened when people said it would never work (also very different backgrounds), I would have missed all the greatest joys and events of my life.

So, from this side of the fence, I'd say, try harder before you throw in the towel. And good luck.[/QUOTE]

Thanks for your kind words. I realize now that I have to be more independent not just for the sake of my relationship but to find myself. I am thinking about going back to school and finishing my degree. It is also nice to hear someone say that it has worked out for them and that this is possible to work through. I appreciate your response. Take care...

I would suggest that you think it over and find your true feelings. Do not throw it away so easily. Something brought you two together. The regret afterwards, can haunt you for a life time. You must tell him exactly how you feel, and ask him how he feels. Take a piece of paper and list all of his good qualities and all of his bad qualities. Weigh it, and see what you come up with. Go and see a Priest or religious counselor. He may feel compelled to be completely honest with a priest, and you will know. I wish you the best.

I would do the trial separation. Get him to agree to it. Tell him it's good for both of you to let you know how you feel about each other.

But don't hold back and be lonely in your new place. GO OUT and mingle. Meet people and make friends. If you are enjoying yourself after three months and feel that he would not allow you to do this then you have your answer. If not then you may want to consider saving your marriage.

You need a life separate from your husbands, that brings you the happiness without him.

Its not easy making adjustments all the time, but that's what service families sign up for. Good Luck!

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Jake2008

Many things in your post remind me of me.

I moved many times as well. No sooner did we get settled, and the kids in school, and I started meeting people, the house was for sale again, and away we went.

During each move, my husband was on the road. He never established any friends, or was around to do much, except on the weekends, and those we spent at the rink.

What I learned was that eventually the moving stopped, and he was essentially the same person he was before all the moves. He doesn't like to socialize much, he has no hobbies and we share no common interests. What had kept me busy and occupied in the early years were the kids.

Then what happens after that. What I learned was, how to be independent. I established friends, and make every effort to see them regularly. I took up biking, I write short stories, I went back to school for more qualifications to land a job.

They called us 'the odd couple' when we married, and we are still the odd couple. What we do have in common are our shared values, deep affection/love, and respect for eachother. Words and actions and activities do not always signify 'success' in a relationship.

You may even start out doing all kinds of things together, but people change, the nature of the relationship changes, but the core, the couple, never changes.

We are both individually very happy with our lives. We always meet at the end of the day, there is always a lot of talk and laughter. I enjoy his company, he enjoys mine. We just don't have the same interests.

I wouldn't give up on a marriage so easily. Find things that you enjoy doing, and do them. If he is encouraging you to not be 'co-dependent', then he's probably feeling your happiness is going to be dependent upon him, and it shouldn't be that way.

I've been married 33 years this July, and had I listened when people said it would never work (also very different backgrounds), I would have missed all the greatest joys and events of my life.

So, from this side of the fence, I'd say, try harder before you throw in the towel. And good luck.

---

I think Jake said it best.

Would like to add that you should go for counseling yourself. Working on yourself and becoming more independent. It is a good thing for you to be happy. Getting that degree and improving on yourself. With the changes you make on your own will help with a better out look on yourself and your marriage.

Would also like to think that he would actually want to work on making you happy. By doing things that are important to you, and you do things that are important to him. Two way street.

Joe

You do not sound happy and you know in your heart that this is true. You say that you are both young. Get out now. The longer you leave it the harder it will be. Reconnect with people that you have moved away from. People love to renew old friendships. This is not the man for you. If you are not pro-active in this you will look back on your life with regret. Life is too short. Have confidence in yourself and move forward. Protect your future.

Lots of different views in this post which will give you food for thought!

My comment would be to think about your marriage as three entities - you, your husband and the relationship.

1. You. Can you be reasonably independent, happy and develop your own interests and friends in this marriage?

2. Your husband. Can he accept that you like different things & have different interests and can he accommodate these in your marriage and still love you?

3. Your relationship. Can you come together as a couple, enjoy each other, talk about your activities and interests (some of which you may not share) with an acceptance of this diversity and with love for each other?

You see, I don't think that there is any point in living separate lives as a couple unless you can also come together in trust, love and acceptance. If you are living separate lives and just sharing the same house then the relationship will be empty for both of you.