So, here is me, a 100% commitmentaphobe...

Here is the story...

4 years ago, 1st year at uni, I really liked a girl called Harriet, she had a boyfriend, but I told her I liked her... she left uni for family reasons... about a year ago, got back in touch... and she was single... chatted and decided to go on a date sometime...

This all cooled down and got forgotten...

Although we still chatted, I got a girlfriend, which lasted a short dismal depressing 1 month... but here is the weird thing...

She broke up with me, and 2 days later, harriet asks me to see her. So I drive the 2 and a half hour drive to meet her at her parents for the night. We chatted together (including parents). Had some wine, played on her piano with her...

I went on a romantic walk with her at night, and then we went to her room to watch a film.

She started hugging me, and asked if I had something to sleep in (shirt), and I said no, this will do... So she unbuttoned it... and carried hugging me, rubbing my back. Then she started kissing my neck, so I kissed her properly. Things moved and happened, and ended up making love... (not sex... it felt meaningful... which is strage for me)

The thing is, I never ever feel this for a girl, it was 4 years of wanting to be with her, and all the feelings have flooded back. She wants to see me again, but I'm worried that I will do the usual "me" thing, and mess it up again... How can I learn to not panic?

Thanks

(im 22, male, english)

Oh one more thing, she was coming on to me right? I did read the signs right didn't I?

Slow it down. Too much physical stuff too fast. The reason you're scared to mess up is because you don't know her well enough, you guys started kissing before even having a meaningful conversations.

Talk to her more. Just keep getting to know her and allow her to get to know you better.

And... don't forget, enjoy the time that you spend talking to seeing each other. Just have fun!

I do know her, known her for 4 years

Although I'm the first to wave the "sex early in a relationship messes up 95% of most relationships" flag... that boat has sailed. The way you act next about that and everything else could translate into the "I always mess things up" you fear.

You know... there's no reason you ever have to "mess things up", don't you? That's the common and inevitable result of pursuing happiness in life. You mess things up.

It's the pursuit of one's own happiness as a goal that allows us to completely disregard the people around us. We can disregard their feelings, their hopes, their dreams, their warnings, their offers to help/guide/dissuade us... whatever.

The pursuit of happiness is a singularly selfish pursuit. But you don't have to do that. You could try a whole new thing.

This time around, why not put those around you ahead of yourself? Why not spend your time with this girl, her family, your friends, your family... all of it... spend your time with them looking for ways to make their lives better.

• Look for ways to ADD value to their day and to their lives.
• Look for ways to make a difference in their NOW and in their TOMORROW.
• Make plans.
• Follow through.
• Be inconvenienced and revel in it.
• Be sincerely impressed with minor accomplishments of those around you.
• Be a cheerleader for life.

If the way this girl finds her life enhanced is by being with you, then do that. Do it well, too. You don't have to follow old patterns as if they owned you. You can just... well... BE better this time by acting like you are.

It's called practice. And practice may not = perfection, but it adds value.

Is it strange that I actually think I loved her in 1st year (without knowing it), and all these feelings have just exploded inside me in one go... I am struggling to control them, to the point of anxiety feelings...

Best way to control them is to not give them feet. Spending your time enhancing the lives around you, including this girl's, will leave little time to act like a raving maniac, eh?