Hi -
I'm wondering what's behind the psychology of a girlfriend of mine.

Every time that I see her, she's always telling me about all of her dramas and about her day, and week, etc. But when I want to talk or when I want to tell her something, it's not as important to her. Maybe it is, but she sure doesn't show it.

I brought this to her attention, and she told me that she tells me a lot of stuff about her - practically everything because in general she's a private person but she feels comfortable with me. She said that she's wants to tell me everything before she forgets.

But I told her that it would be nice if she paid attention to what I feel as well. So she apologized and told me that shed' make an effort to listen to me.

Well the next time we met, it was the same thing again. Not exactly - she remembered that she needed to ask me how I was. But when I started to tell her, she just listened for a little bit, didn't even ask me any questions about my situations but was quick to continue on blabbing about herself.

I really appreciate this person, but I'm wondering if she appreciates me. What kind of friend would feel comfortable with someone and yet not want to listen to their well being? I think it's strange.

What do you make of it?

Its good that you told her how you feel, but remember are you getting back what you put in? Looks like she takes more and you give more. Not too much of a good friend. Maybe a 1 day a month friend.

I don't know. The fact that she made some effort says, at least in my book, that she does appreciate and value your friendship. Maybe she doesn't know HOW to show it though. Or, sometimes I catch myself behaving like her. But for me, I feel like if I ask questions I'm being too nosey. It doesn't really make sense, but I notice it especially at work. I don't feel like my coworkers are nosey if they ask me about my boyfriend or my family or school or anything. But I feel nosey if I ask them the same kind of questions.basically I assume if they want to tell me something, they will. I would keep trying to talk to her about these things. It sounds like she's willing to make the effort but needs some help with it.

You talked to her about your feelings and can give her a bit more time to see if she makes an effort at changing.

I had a friend like this once. We'd been friends for about 12 years when I finally had to let it go. I had a conversation with her and told her that I could no longer be her friend. I wished her the best in life but the friendship was beginning to be too much of a burden and I needed to be free.

I know that she loved our friendship but I also know that she was a very selfish person and after 12 years would not change.

A friendship should be an exchange, not one-sided. What I found was that during my rough times when I needed her, she either didn't have the time to talk or somehow would manage to flip the focus back to herself.

So I politely ended it. I wasn't angry at her because I'd accepted that's just who she was. We talked about it and I explained how I felt.

It was a very difficult thing to do but the 'friendship' was sucking me dry.

A friendship shouldn't feel like "work".

But give her some time to see how things go and then you'll have to decide if it's worth it to you to keep it going.

She's selfish, immature and narcissistic. She may grow up some day, or maybe not. Some people never do. It's OK to detach from people who drain you and give nothing back.

ordinaryguy is right, some people never grow up. But I'm feeling optimistic today and still feel like you should give her more of a chance. I still like to believe that some people can change.

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Originally Posted by justcurious55

idk. the fact that she made some effort says, at least in my book, that she does appreciate and value your friendship. maybe she doesn't know HOW to show it though. or, sometimes i catch myself behaving like her. but for me, i feel like if i ask questions i'm being too nosey. it doesn't really make sense, but i notice it especially at work. i don't feel like my coworkers are nosey if they ask me about my boyfriend or my family or school or anything. but i feel nosey if i ask them the same kind of questions.basically i assume if they want to tell me something, they will. i would keep trying to talk to her about these things. it sounds like she's willing to make the effort but needs some help with it.

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You know it's funny that you say this because that's exactly what she told me. She said she feels like she's being nosy if she asks me about stuff. She also said that she feels that if I wanted to tell her soemthing that I would do so without a problem. In fact she said she's "all ears".

Honestly, she has listened to enough of me when I had marital problems up the wazoo. I guess I kind of owe it, but I guess the lack of interest at the moment makes me feel like this is becoming a one sided thing.

I think the term is "drama queen"? She wants to draw you into her life, hoping that you'll become addicted to her soap opera life. She needs your attention, not your additional storyline to overshadow hers.
Your GF may be thinking that she is opening up to you by sharing all of her daily events, but she seems to only be reporting them. I think a relationship is sharing the emotions that go along with those events. Does she reflect on what happened, learn anything, change anything? Or does she just wait for things to happen to her so she can report back to you?

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Originally Posted by makapuu

I think the term is "drama queen"? She wants to draw you into her life, hoping that you'll become addicted to her soap opera life. She needs your attention, not your additional storyline to overshadow hers.
Your GF may be thinking that she is opening up to you by sharing all of her daily events, but she seems to only be reporting them. I think a relationship is sharing the emotions that go along with those events. Does she reflect on what happened, learn anything, change anything? Or does she just wait for things to happen to her so she can report back to you?

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Yeah, she kind of does. Like she tells me that due to her mistakes with person X she will no longer seek people with the same qualities as person X. And that she's been hurt too many times in her lifetime (which she has) because of people like X. I don't know, things like that.

She also talks about the people we both know - good and bad. In other words, everything about her or the friends we have, and that's pretty much it. But not much about me.

She is, the way she is, be a good listener, but don't expect that from her. Be nice if she was, but if she isn't, find someone who is.

When you have had enough of her behavior, smile and say you got to go to the bathroom, and just disappear till you feel like listening.

She may take the hint, she may not. Doesn't matter, as she will just see you less.

I have been friends with a lady for approx 40 years and she is exactly the same way. My husband and her husband are also friends so the 4 of us also do things together. When it's the 4 of us, she does about 80% of the talking. Sometimes her husband or my husband will "try" to say something and I will forcefully interrupt her and say "lets listen to what Mike has to say". I have always noticed that on the few occasions that I get to say something, she becomes distracted very quickly. I honestly feel that the reason she likes me, is because I am one of the only people who sit and listen to her all the time - I am her audience. People who constantly talk need an audience. Many times I have listened to her talk about her own mother and how she grates on her nerves cause she dominates the conversation all the time... I always want to say "the apple doesn't fall far from the tree". What my friend doesn't realize is that her behavior alienates me and other people. Yes we are friends but I avoid contact with her a lot; and I know other people do the same. Thankfully she moved to another city about 5 yrs ago. Since she still has family here, I do still see her but not often. We communicate via email which has been a thrill for me cause I get to "talk" as much as she does!! She often suggests phone calls but I do not go there. Over the years I have considered telling her she talks too much and listens too little. Not sure why I can't muster the guts or courage to do so. Just seems easier to limit my contact with her.