Ask Me Help Desk - This really hurts

Well, where do I begin. I've been dating this girl for over 5 1/2 years. We are high school sweethearts. I uncontrollably love this girl. I'm 21 and she is 20. This past Christmas, I proposed to her, and with tears in her eyes she said yes. I know we were meant for each other. Recently though, we were having some problems and we were getting into arguments. What couple doesn't though. Usually we would just brush them off and move on. I'll admit, I threatened to break up with her a few times, but personally I could never do it. Well, this last one was bad. She said we needed a break. That hit me hard, my heart literally dropped into my stomach. I really didn't want to, because I know what breaks are.
Reluctantly I said yes. So we didn't talk for a few days, I was cruising around on myspace and saw she started adding new guys to it. So we talked later that night and I asked who they were, and she says she doesn't know. She just added them because they were from around here. Well, she was never one to do that.
Well, now we are broken up, and this pain is too much. I'm under too much stress, I went to the doctor and found out I have something called aryhtmia. My heart is beating too fast. It might be a temporary thing, or it might be something very serious. He said there might be a chance of heart disease. I tell her this and she just seems to shrug it off.
Now I find out she is already talking to someone else. It's only been about 4 days. I can't sleep, I can't eat, it's hard for me to go to work in the mornings. I've asked her if I could talk to her one last time, but she won't even acknowledge me. I just want to talk to see if there is something to us or not, so I can move on. I need the closure, but she won't give it to me, and if I don't get it, this pain will never go away.
I've done everything in my power for this girl. I drive 30 miles out of my way, at the end of a long day at work, to her house, just to do something as small as help her air up her tires. I never complained about it, or asked for anything in return. This has all happened before also, but it never went this far. We were broken up for a month, but she would still talk to me. There was another guy at her work, but it never lead to anything. I cried for that month straight. And just as I was about to let go the one night, I went to sleep and early next morning she asked if I wanted to hang out.
I asked her why she did it to me, she said she honestly didn't know what was going through her mind. I believe her, but I didn't let my guard down for a while after that. I'm in this state of limbo. I do want to get back with her, but everyone says it will just happen again. Deep down I know this might be true, but for some reason I just keep looking past that for some reason. I really need some help.

The pain can go away without closure. You need to find your inner strength.

She most likely shrugged your heart problem off as a ploy to try to get her to feel sorry and come running back. She most likely doesn't want to talk because she doesn't want to get drawn back to you and feels no contact is the better way to go.

Read up on co-dependency and find the inner strength to go on with your life. Find more friends and hobbies.

There are tons of fish in the sea and one day when you meet someone you really love you will see that you can live without her.

So sorry you are going through this. Maybe she thought she was ready for marriage, but then realized she really wasn't. Better before marriage then after it. Maybe your threats of leaving caused her to be concerned about your commitment. You said you know you never would have left, but she doesn't know that... think of it as a lesson learned for the future.

Your relationship may have run its course... she may realize that since she was dating you for so long she really hadn't had the chance to see what other men are like... after all, that is what dating is for.

Could be you two get back together at some point... or perhaps not, and both of you move on and learn from your relationship.

If she needs space, you have to give it to her... as painful right now as that may be. You can't make her feel or respond how you would like her to. It has to come from her willingly.

Try your best not to "check-up" on her on myspace, talking to her friends, or anything else. It will only continue to cause you worry and prolong your ability to let her go.

What you are going through, although very awful and dreadful, is a part of life that truly shapes you into being a successful, capable, independent adult in the real world. I have no doubt that this relationship is over, for now, at least. This kind of thing is very typical in the "high school sweetheart" phase of love. Most of those couples just don't last. Too much growing, maturity, and change take place within the two.

As for you, closure is a stupid frame of mind. You create your own closure. She broke up with you, and she no longer even acknowledges you. To me, that would be closure enough. The good news: you are still alive and you WILL get through this. The bad news: it will take a lot of time, so be patient and get prepared.

Welcome to AMHD. A few months from now, you will be amazed at how much better you are doing. Cut contact with her and begin your detox. Good luck man, and sorry for your loss.

Well, she was the one so ready for marriage. The reason we broke up the first time is because she said I didn't seem I wanted to go anywhere in the relationship. She came back, and we both started talking about it. You know, invitations, guests, about 1 month ago she put a down payment on her wedding dress. I just don't understand what is going on. I think her friends are filling her head with a bunch of stuff. They are all no less than 10 years older than her and as much as 30 years older. They are her co-workers, and I don't think they are going as far as saying break up with me. You should see my favorites list, it filled with wedding sites for locations, favors, invitations, dresses and flowers, all saved by her. She still wears her ring on her ring finger though, which I'm still kind of baffled by it. It's hard to do the NC thing. I used to talk to her every day about 2 or 3 times a day. Just hearing her voice made the darkest day fill with sunshine. I've been told by all my friends that are girls that I'm loyal, sweet, honest, an all around good guy, and "cute". I've been thinking about enlisting in the military, but if I do that, and she does realize her mistake, I won't be here for her. I know that sounds stupid, but I know if I enlist, I'll travel the world, and meet new and fascinating people. I'm a mess, but my hope is if I just don't even try to contact her, it might help

I wouldn't make any drastic changes to your life just yet. Give yourself some time to see how this plays out, and sort out your feelings first. It is far too easy to jump into something, thinking it is for the best, when you go through a rough patch, and have regrets later.

Maybe she just needed to step back a bit to see how she really feels... to try and determine how you really feel, who knows. She may not even be able to put it into words to explain it to you and that does make it difficult when you don't have an exact reason for the change of heart.

Maybe give yourself several months of spending time with family and friends, focus on your job, think about what direction you want to go with your life, what interests you in terms of a career, or if you are already doing something you love... how you might advance your skills or knowledge, maybe you might want to further your education, etc..

If you have the money, maybe go take a trip with a friend to get away for a little while, or maybe visit some relatives that live some place else.

Give it time... things will fall into place either with her or without her.

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Originally Posted by NoMoreHeart

I've been dating this girl for over 5 1/2 years. We are highschool sweethearts. I uncontrollably love this girl. I'm 21 and she is 20.

You know what's tough about this for you is. You've invested 5 years but you are both at growth ages. It's not like your 31 and 30 or even 26 and 25. You are both entering adulthood and you primarily dated as kids. People are changing and growing and realizing there is a world and people completely different and new that they've never seen at your ages. While you've focused in on her, I think she's focused on "where is my life headed, is this what I want, I'm finally free of my parents, do I want to jump into a marriage or learn and experience some things for myself?" She may be a great girl but she also has a desire to grow and see what's out in the world.

Quote:

Originally Posted by NoMoreHeart

I threatened to break up with her a few times, but personally I could never do it.

You can never use this threat. You certainly can't use it multiple times. If you ever mention breaking up, then it just puts in her mind she should start looking around for someone one new.

Quote:

Originally Posted by NoMoreHeart

Well, this last one was bad. She said we needed a break. That hit me hard, my heart literally dropped into my stomach. I really didn't want to, because I know what breaks are.

That is why you don't make those threats. They come true eventually.

Quote:

Originally Posted by NoMoreHeart

Well, now we are broken up, and this pain is too much. I'm under too much stress, I went to the doctor and found out I have something called aryhtmia. My heart is beating too fast. It might be a temporary thing, or it might be something very serious. He said there might be a chance of heart disease. I tell her this and she just seems to shrug it off.

That ought to tell you something about the woman you claim you were meant for.

Unlike her, I hope this works out and it's something you can cure. This should be your priority at the moment, above all else.

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Originally Posted by NoMoreHeart

Now I find out she is already talking to someone else. It's only been about 4 days.

Women let themselve emotionally down before they leave.

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Originally Posted by NoMoreHeart

I can't sleep, I can't eat, it's hard for me to go to work in the mornings.

I know about going to work in the mornings but it can also be the best thing for you. You have something you can throw yourself into at this time. As for the sleep, don't force it, get up and exercise. Your appetite will come back at some point so enjoy losing a few pounds until it does.

Quote:

Originally Posted by NoMoreHeart

I've asked her if I could talk to her one last time, but she wont even acknowledge me.

Then go into NC and stay away from her.

Quote:

Originally Posted by NoMoreHeart

I just want to talk to see if there is something to us or not, so I can move on. I need the closure, but she wont give it to me, and if I don't get it, this pain will never go away.

She's likely not going to give you closure. That's not how break ups work. Having said that, the pain will go away. It takes time, and refocusing yourself on other things that you like.

Quote:

Originally Posted by NoMoreHeart

I've done everything in my power for this girl. I drive 30 miles out of my way, at the end of a long day at work, to her house, just to do something as small as help her air up her tires. I never complained about it, or asked for anything in return.

And she can't even be concerned about you health. Seems like this is pretty unfair.

Quote:

Originally Posted by NoMoreHeart

This has all happened before also, but it never went this far. We were broken up for a month, but she would still talk to me. There was another guy at her work, but it never lead to anything. I cried for that month straight. And just as I was about to let go the one night, I went to sleep and early next morning she asked if I wanted to hang out.

I don't like how she sees you as the permanent back up plan when it doesn't work out with the other guy. If you not number 1 in her eyes, she shouldn't be looking at you.

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Originally Posted by NoMoreHeart

I asked her why she did it to me, she said she honestly didn't know what was going through her mind. I believe her,

I don't.

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Originally Posted by NoMoreHeart

but I didn't let my guard down for a while after that. I'm in this state of limbo. I do want to get back with her, but everyone says it will just happen again.

I'm sure they mean well, but this is really bad advice. What your friends are saying is, "we don't have the answers and we don't want to get involved but we don't want you to be upset so we'll just say it will happen again in the future." That's not a satisfying answer, as you now know. It doesn't answer anything. I'm of the belief you may get back together but it depends on what happens with the other guys she is seeing or going to see. If they don't work out, then you have a shot.

Quote:

Originally Posted by NoMoreHeart

Deep down I know this might be true, but for some reason I just keep looking past that for some reason. I really need some help.

You need to do no contact. You need to avoid myspace. You need to find your center again. You've spent a 1/4 of your short life with this girl, and never once been alone as an adult. You have no idea who you are, and you need to accept this time to find out. The boy you were is not the man you want to be and it's time to find the difference.

I have to spread some rep Chuff but your advice is spot on.
You both need time to grow up, spread your wings. The break up was probably the smartest thing she has ever done.
You guys have known each other as kids, you need to get to know yourselves as adults.

I know the pain is tough. God its so tough. But you have to get out and have fun and meet other people. Let her see that you are moving on. If anything will get her back, that will. But don't count on it. You must go out and have a good time and when she does finally call you (and I can pretty much guarantee that she will at least call you), you should sound like you don't really want to talk to her and that you have many other things. If she asks you to hang out on Wed. say you are busy on Wed. but maybe on Sun.

It's just NC is so hard to do. I want to pick up the phone and call her, or text her. I want to so bad. We were both eachothers first true loves. I know I seem whiney, but I have no one else to talk to about there. Of course there is family, but it's just different when talking to them.