I have been married to my wife for 4 1/2 years now. I moved countries and left my family after meeting her while I was studying in the US. We have always had arguments, but not more than any other married couple I know and we have always made up.
Just recently she became very distant and eventually said she wanted to split up. She then went to Atlanta to visit a friend from school for the weekend while I was away working. When I got home we had a big bust up as I had found out that it was a guy she had went to see. She had also been calling him constantly while I was away on business. I moved into the spare room. She told me the guy was just a friend and he posed no threat to me.
She told me that I never listened to her and when I did, I didn't understand her. I didn't get her.
I did jump to a lot of conclusions and said a few nasty things, but I feel I was justified. I mean, what would anyone else think?
Anyway, I have asked her to try with me to fix our marriage and she has said she will. Starting with marriage guidance counseling next week when I get home from work. (I am away two weeks at a time for my job)
However, she will not agree to stop talking to this guy. She says he is helping her find herself and he understands her. I'm trying desperately to change my job so I can be home more, but it's not easy in these times.
We are not intermit any more, nor do we talk like we used to. I'm still in the spare room.
Anyone got any ideas, or heard of this before? I am at my wits end. Help.

You two have problems, that's obvious. They won't be fixed over night.

She agreed to counselling, so go. Don't expect to move back into the bedroom tomorrow, that may take some time, heck, it may never happen, it all depends on the counselling.

The guy she's talking to, went to visit, you, if he's just a friend and she's really committed to making your marriage work, then she'll stop talking to him.

If she doesn't then I'd seriously question where her loyalties lie.

Good luck.

She sounds like she's willing to put the effort to try to work things out. So give her the benefit of the doubt.

She already assured you that her friend posed no threat, so why can't you trust her?

As for you, sounds like you need to do more listening. You need to tape your mouth shut and let her tell you how she feels before talking. If something is unclear, ask her to clarify instead of jumping to conclusions.

If she wasn't mature enough to not develop a relationship with another man while you somehow missed all of her emotional needs, and feel the need to visit him, and has decided she won't stop talking to him (although she says she won't see him- big consolation prize there huh?), just what exactly have YOU done wrong?

The time to address problems is before problems turn into an affair, which is what this is. You without a crystal ball, gives her the advantage to plot, plan and act upon ways that are totally innapropriate to solve marital problems.

She had choices. She could have communicated with you for one thing, or her family, or best friend. She could have worked on her own relationship the two weeks you were home (which amounts to a pretty good chunk of time).

Did the problems happen overnight, were there no opportunities to work on issues with you? No means of communication, no desire to share needs and wants with the husband, as is supposed to happen? What does 'you don't understand me' mean. Did she attempt at any time while talking it out with her lover, did she ask YOU to sit and talk to her? She must have pretty serious marital needs to turn to a man on the side for answers.

This goes way beyond her needing you to understand her.

What the heck are you doing in the spare bed! Just my opinion but shouldn't the one having the affair be in the spare bedroom?

I don't know any good counsellor that will accept to take on marriage counselling, between two people, while one of the two continues a relationship that is destroying the marriage. That makes three people, two against one, and is totally unfair to you.

Unless she is a few tacos short a combination plate, she knew exactly what she was doing when she turned to another man, for whatever reason.

You have done nothing wrong. You didn't cause her to do what she did.

Keep the truth in perspective here when you turn to counselling and decide that you have done something wrong to somehow justify her behaviour.

Nobody causes, or is the cause, of an affair on the side, when two people are working on their marriage. If one person sees their marriage as an opportunity to throw meaningless accusations at their husband, in order to justify a man on the side, that is not the problem of the husband.

She knew exactly what she was doing, and it had nothing to do with you not 'understanding' her.

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Originally Posted by Jake2008

If she wasn't mature enough to not develop a relationship with another man while you somehow missed all of her emotional needs, and feel the need to visit him, and has decided she won't stop talking to him (although she says she won't see him- big consolation prize there huh?), just what exactly have YOU done wrong?

The time to address problems is before problems turn into an affair, which is what this is. You without a crystal ball, gives her the advantage to plot, plan and act upon ways that are totally innapropriate to solve marital problems.

She had choices. She could have communicated with you for one thing, or her family, or best friend. She could have worked on her own relationship the two weeks you were home (which amounts to a pretty good chunk of time).

Did the problems happen overnight, were there no opportunities to work on issues with you? No means of communication, no desire to share needs and wants with the husband, as is supposed to happen? What does 'you don't understand me' mean. Did she attempt at any time while talking it out with her lover, did she ask YOU to sit and talk to her? She must have pretty serious marital needs to turn to a man on the side for answers.

This goes way beyond her needing you to understand her.

What the heck are you doing in the spare bed!! Just my personal opinion but shouldn't the one having the affair be in the spare bedroom?

I don't know any good counsellor that will accept to take on marriage counselling, between two people, while one of the two continues a relationship that is destroying the marriage. That makes three people, two against one, and is totally unfair to you.

Unless she is a few tacos short a combination plate, she knew exactly what she was doing when she turned to another man, for whatever reason.

You have done nothing wrong. You didn't cause her to do what she did.

Keep the truth in perspective here when you turn to counselling and decide that you have done something wrong to somehow justify her behaviour.

Nobody causes, or is the cause, of an affair on the side, when two people are working on their marriage. If one person sees their marriage as an opportunity to throw meaningless accusations at their husband, in order to justify a man on the side, that is not the problem of the husband.

She knew exactly what she was doing, and it had nothing to do with you not 'understanding' her.

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I wouldn't call it an affair, but you are deffinately right. It is an emotional affair, which hurts just as much. Trust me I've experienced both kinds. I know I'm a nice guy and I only do this job so she doesn't have to work. That slapped me in the face. I love my wife very much, but don't know how mucch more of this I can take. I have always sat and listened to her and spoke with her. I really don't get it. She's right in that respect.
She has also kept him a secret from me. Changing the phone bill passwords so I can't see them. Telling me she was going down to Atlanta to visit her mother. She doesn't get on with her mother and that was the first flag which made me suspicious.
All I can do now is carry on with my life and try not to think about it, because it is tearing me up inside. Thanks for your answer.

Give yourself time for the information to sink in; what you have discovered, what yet needs answers.

If you can get to counselling, and she is willing, and really has to make some hard decisions, perhaps this will work out, and you'll end up stronger together in the end.

I find it personally frustrating that after the fact, things get so turned around to the one who was doing nothing wrong, yet is somehow responsible for everything.

Hang in there, I hope you'll post again.

You need to ask her where you fit in in this relationship as well as trying to figure out how to be more understanding and attentative to her. You weren't so she turned to another guy instead of working on the two of you.

Go to counseling and see where that goes.
If she continues her trips to see this other guy I don't know how much I would trust her.
To me, her doing that means either she is more concerned about him and she isn't put much stock in her marriage.

Ask her how she would feel about you leaving town to spend a couple weeks ''with a female that understands you better''.

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Originally Posted by Jake2008

Give yourself time for the information to sink in; what you have discovered, what yet needs answers.

If you can get to counselling, and she is willing, and really has to make some hard decisions, perhaps this will work out, and you'll end up stronger together in the end.

I find it personally frustrating that after the fact, things get so turned around to the one who was doing nothing wrong, yet is somehow responsible for everything.

Hang in there, I hope you'll post again.

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I go home on Tuesday, counseling is supposed to be on Thursday. We'll see how it goes.
I didn't call her once today and she called me three times. That must meen something. I'm going to hold out no matter how hard it is.
You really get me, thanks.

[QUOTE=N0help4u;1767231]You need to ask her where you fit in in this relationship as well as trying to figure out how to be more understanding and attentative to her. You weren't so she turned to another guy instead of working on the two of you.

Go to counseling and see where that goes.
If she continues her trips to see this other guy I don't know how much I would trust her.
To me, her doing that means either she is more concerned about him and she isn't put much stock in her marriage.

Ask her how she would feel about you leaving town to spend a couple weeks ''with a female that understands you better''.[/QUOTE
Seeing where it goes is key right now. I would be lost without her. But I have to be strong. I know I am better than him. Thanks.

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Originally Posted by neilmyers

I'm going to hold out no matter how hard it is.

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She is responsible for half of the situation, all of her actions, and for deceiving you. You are not the cause of her behavior, but it is in your interests to take ownership of the process by which you resolve things. If she wholeheartedly joins you, things will quickly get better.

Consider the possibility that the problem is captured in these statements, both of which you can do something about:

1. "She told me that I never listened to her and when I did, I didn't understand her. I didn't get her."

You feel that you have listened, but something is missing. Ask yourself how many affairs have begun with "My spouse doesn't understand me?" It's one of the most common and basic problems in a marriage. If you want your marriage to survive, fix this.

That doesn't justify her deceit. It just identifies one place where her need might have originated, and it's something you can act on. Just make the decision that you will learn how to listen and look and grasp who she is. Then, act on it, every time over time. Also know that it's one of the hardest things for most men to do.

2. "...she will not agree to stop talking to this guy. She says he is helping her find herself and he understands her."

The phrase "helping her find herself" says that on some level, she is seeking to grow and the dude in Atlanta is taking the role of the trustworthy friend that you need to be as her husband. Plus, unlike you,he can be her mentor. (It's hard for spouses to mentor each other.) Since you travel a lot, she is home without you, seemingly lonely, and communicating like we are communicating here, with people who are somehow benign passers by. If the need were there, any of us could go further and develop a deeper relationship.

Like most of us, she needs a witness to her experience, a partner and cheer leader in her growth, a safe confidant, non-judgmental listener, and an advice-giving catalyst for her growth as she perceives her growth needs. Maybe it's all an illusion, and he's just a player. And maybe she is really "finding herself" better because he is in her life. Keep it from going further by standing up for the relationship and showing up in the therapy. Get into your therapy so that her story and your story come out. Participate in a way that makes sure you get to understand her and she gets to understand you much better. Get it all out.

You have some work to do, and so does she. Show her that you are the better man by learning and growing in front of her. If she is indeed finding herself, she will also find that very attractive.

I would not condone any more trips. Limited communication could be beneficial, especially as you make course-corrections in therapy and she acknowledges the improvements to him, but no in-person contact. I would be firm on this. As you develop a much richer dialog with her, she won't need his input and he will fall by the wayside.

Tao

I agree with both Taopir and Jake - the situation is complex and there are a number of red flags for both you and your wife.

One thing that is essential for you to ask of her, is that she not have contact with this other guy while you're going to counselling. If her commitment is to the marriage and to undertaking this process with you, then she needs to let go of her emotional relationship with this guy.

You need to learn how to listen and communicate with her, and she needs to hear you as well.