I have been married to my husband for 6 Years. Living together for 9 years. He has been in prison for a year and 8 months. I have a son from a previous relationship who’s dad died. My husband and I also have a son together. My husband raised my son as his own. He was drug dealing the whole time we were together. I asked him to stop and he said he would and he needed a little time. He was caught and sentenced to state prison for 4 years. I was waiting for him. 3 months during his time away he was picked up by the US Marshalls and picked up a new Federal case. He was offered 35 years but he refused and went to trial. He lost trial, and was found guilty on numerous counts including RICO and gun and drug charges. He is now awaiting sentencing, which should be in September. I know he is going to be there for many years.

I wanted to wait. I have been supportive and been there for him. But I was also so depressed and unhappy. I cried all the time and my boys keep asking me when is he coming home. They cry because they miss him.

About three months ago I met a younger man. He is nice and I told him my situation. He has been there for me and has taken us out and spent time with me and with my boys. I have grown feelings for him. I feel I am falling in love with him. And he feels the same.

I just told my husband that I met someone and that I have been talking to this person. I did not want to hurt my husband, but I could not lie to him because my feelings for my husband are drifting away. My husband is angry. He said I was wrong and I am moving on too quickly and I should have waited as long as it took because I am his wife. He was good to me, but I have been so lonely and miserable. All the time we were married, we fought so much because he didn’t have time for us, due to his “business”. He gave us everything but I still wanted him to stop. He says he did not know he would go to prison for so long. He says he will do a lot of time but he will get out eventually. With this new guy I have been happier. He makes me feel like no other man ever. He accepts me for who I am, and wants me to leave my husband.

I pretty much have decided to move on, but I want some feedback to reassure myself this is the right decision or should I give this some more thought.

I think you should move on. Your husband was in a dangerous business that could ultimatley put you and your children in harms way. He now has to pay the consequences of his actions. Its not fair for you to pay along with him. Haven't you been through enough? You need to do what is best for your family. However I think you should take things slow with this new guy. You don't want to fall into the same pattern as you did with your husband. Does he have an honest job? Can he support himself? I don't think that your husband should expect you to be alone for up to 30 years and raise your children without a father figure present. That's just my two cents.

Im not so good with the touchy/feelie stuff of divorces, but if you want to move on, divorce is a solid first step.

Divorcing him should be fairly easy to do from a legal standpoint. Potentially having his parental rights terminated my also be an option since he looks to be having an extended prison term.

Whether you should... no one can decide that but you. Whether you can... absolutely.

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Originally Posted by h_leann_b

I think you should move on. Your husband was in a dangerous business that could ultimatley put you and your children in harms way. He now has to pay the consequences of his actions. Its not fair for you to pay along with him. Haven't you been through enough? You need to do what is best for your family. However i think you should take things slow with this new guy. You dont want to fall into the same pattern as you did with your husband. Does he have an honest job? Can he support himself? I dont think that your husband should expect you to be alone for up to 30 years and raise your children without a father figure present. That's just my two cents.

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Thanks for your reply. This is my first time posting. I hope I am using this correctly. Yes the new guy has a good job. He is an engineer, educated, and has a stable well paid job. I do feel that we are moving on a little fast though. But I am taking it as slow as I can.

I think you need to move on with your life. Don't move in with this other guy yet; just date him, and have a normal relationship with him.

Hello april:

You could have left BEFORE he got busted... You didn't. Clearly, you liked the lifestyle he was providing... With the feds slamming him like that - it musta been a REAL nice lifestyle too...

Even though HE was the dealer, in terms of the law, YOU are equally guilty too. Fortunately, the cops are leaving you alone - but that's NOT because you're innocent...

Yeah, he's going to be gone for a LONG time... It's EASY to assess blame and make yourself look good. But, the women who look good to me, are the women who stand by their men.

excon

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Originally Posted by excon

Hello april:

You coulda left BEFORE he got busted.... You didn't. Clearly, you liked the lifestyle he was providing... With the feds slamming him like that - it musta been a REAL nice lifestyle too....

Even though HE was the dealer, in terms of the law, YOU are equally guilty too. Fortunately, the cops are leaving you alone - but that's NOT because you're innocent....

Yeah, he's gonna be gone for a LONG time... It's EASY to assess blame and make yourself look good. But, the women who look good to me, are the women who stand by their men.

excon

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I agree on much of what you say. First off I am not here to look good. I feel like I gave up on my marriage. But I am telling it like it is. I did try to leave. He told me he would stop. He opened up two businesses to get me thinking it was over, but it wasn't.

Lifestyle wasn't too bad, but that's not what kept me. What kept me with him was the fact that he loved my son as his own. And I had hopes that he would stop. I felt no one would ever do that. But maybe I was wrong? I'm still not sure.

I did not know the severity of how involved he was, until he went to trial. I'm sure he kept many things from me to protect me. I was there for him and I still am in the sense that I accept his phone calls, send him money, and visit him every other week. I have not told my oldest son about the truth of when he will get out or why he is there.

It was never about the money. Yeah it was nice to give your kids everything they wanted. I never had that. But he did promise he would stop. I am now in debt, about to loose my home, and alone.

I did want to stay by his side, but is there even a future for us anymore? And I did not plan on going out and finding someone new. But my feelings for him are fading and this person I met has been nice to both my boys and I. I want to move on for their sake as well as mine, because I have felt happier lately. It is hard not to feel so guilty.

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Originally Posted by april99

I am now in debt, about to loose my home, and alone.

I did want to stay by his side, but is there even a future for us anymore?

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Hello again, april:

There's a future if YOU make one.

I'm not going to judge you. You sound like a good person faced with daunting challenges.

But, you are still minimizing your role. Even if what you say is true, you married him knowing what he did, and you stayed.

Maybe if you took responsibility for what YOU did, keeping your family together might be easier...

What about your responsibility toward your boys? He didn't do anything to them. They still love him. He still loves them. They deserve to have their father. And, he deserves to have them.

Look, I don't know how long he's going to be gone... But, they're not going to keep him forever. It WILL be over. He WILL get out. Wouldn't it be nice to grow old with him??

excon

Yes, I never understand that excon, a close friend of mine was also a major dealer ( I am told) but he was good, the local and state police could never convict him, They finally turned it over to the Feds, They raided his couple houses and guess what take him, his live in girlfriend, nope they did not even take her in that evening just left her sitting in the house with the door busted down.

But the honest truth, you should have divorced him or never married him if you knew he was a drug dealer ( I guess drug dealers need love to)

But at this point, you need to learn to leave alone if you have not already, and you need to be sure you are not trading one problem man for another.

I say this because too often the friends that drug dealers have are just other dealers or users, not people who sing in the church chior.

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Originally Posted by excon

Hello again, april:

There's a future if YOU make one.

I'm not gonna judge you. You sound like a good person faced with daunting challenges.

But, you are still minimizing your role. Even if what you say is true, you married him knowing what he did, and you stayed.

Maybe if you took responsibility for what YOU did, keeping your family together might be easier....

What about your responsibility toward your boys? He didn't do anything to them. They still love him. He still loves them. They deserve to have their father. And, he deserves to have them.

Look, I dunno how long he's gonna be gone... But, they're not going to keep him forever. It WILL be over. He WILL get out. Wouldn't it be nice to grow old with him???

excon

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Thanks for your response. I admire your honesty and what I say is true. I agree that I have told myself much of this was my fault. Maybe if I would have left he would have actually stopped. But I just stayed.

I have kept my responsibility to my boys. I am raising them alone. I am doing my best. I have never put their father down or told my husband it's his fault. I take them to see him every other week. I reassure them that everything is going to be okay. Regardless if I move on in a new relationship or not I would not stop him from seeing his kids.

I don't know how long he is going to be, but the thing is I don't have the same feelings anymore and new feelings are developing for someone else. Should I stay with him regardless? Will I fall back in love with him 10 years down the line.

I did want to grow old with him. But now I am not sure if I will grow old with him or with him in prison? I have not touched him in a year and eight months. Seeing him through a glass window. And it will remain this way for a couple more years. It's just getting hard to ignore my feelings. To not feel good that someone to talk to, accepting me for my past. Not judging me.

Chuck--It's not just about the new guy. He is not my husband's friend. I met him in my college campus. And reason why they do not arrest me is because I knew nothing of those he was running around with, nor was I involved.

The other side to this is that you still don't know how long he is going to get or if it will be forever much less two years. Appeals. Mistakes it all happens. You took VOWS to stand by this man through good times and bad. NOW IS WHEN YOU EARN YOUR STRIPES. These are the bad times and when you live the life that you did, you had to know you were going to have to make good on those VOWS at some point.
I don't know how hard it would have to be to explain to your children that you knew what was happening and you allowed it because you wanted a "better life" for them. It's all been a lie. You have done this to them and I would have to agree with excon that just because you didn't get caught that day doesn't mean that you are innocent. I don't believe that it is your decision to divorce this man, if he wants to set you free that would be his choice but I can't imagine how he must have felt when you delivered the message that you were leaving him alone with doing the time by himself, because you found someone new. YUCK
You owe him an apology and at least a year or two (if not the entire sentence) of being there for him. What's up with that? Lacks character

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Originally Posted by MsMewiththat

The other side to this is that you still don't know how long he is going to get or if it will be forever much less two years. Appeals. mistakes it all happens. You took VOWS to stand by this man through good times and bad. NOW IS WHEN YOU EARN YOUR STRIPES. These are the bad times and when you live the life that you did, you had to know you were gonna have to make good on those VOWS at some point.
I don't know how hard it would have to be to explain to your children that you knew what was happening and you allowed it because you wanted a "better life" for them. It's all been a lie. You have done this to them and I would have to agree with excon that just because you didn't get caught that day doesn't mean that you are innocent. I don't believe that it is your decision to divorce this man, if he wants to set you free that would be his choice but I can't imagine how he must have felt when you delivered the message that you were leaving him alone with doing the time by himself, because you found someone new. YUCK
you owe him an apology and at least a year or two (if not the entire sentence) of being there for him. What's up with that? Lacks character

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Ms Me, I did not tell him I was leaving him for this person or that I am being with this person. I told him I met someone and I have been talking to this person. I did not tell him I wanted a divorce. I said I wanted one on this forum, but now I am not so sure if that is what I wanted. I have not left him alone, I am still there as I have mentioned before. I just didn't want to lie to him, run around, create bigger feelings and tell him two three years down the line when I actually feel nothing anymore. Now that I told him I'm thinking about it even more. And yes, I did apologize to him.

Maybe I am so unhappy that I am jumping the gun. This is the reason why I am on this forum, because I want to make sure I am thinking straight when I feel that I want to move on. I guess I'm not as sure as I thought I was. I am grateful for all of your responses, however harsh, I am here to talk not make myself look like an angel. I am far from that.

But I am human and feelings change along with everything else. I am going to give this more thought.

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Originally Posted by april99

Ms Me, I did not tell him I was leaving him for this person or that I am being with this person. I told him I met someone and I have been talking to this person. I did not tell him I wanted a divorce. I said I wanted one on this forum, but now I am not so sure if that is what I wanted. I have not left him alone, I am still there as I have mentioned before. I just didn't want to lie to him, run around, create bigger feelings and tell him two three years down the line when I actually feel nothing anymore. Now that I told him I'm thinking about it even more. And yes, I did apologize to him.

Maybe I am so unhappy that I am jumping the gun. This is the reason why I am on this forum, because I want to make sure I am thinking straight when I feel that I want to move on. I guess I'm not as sure as I thought I was. I am grateful for all of your responses, however harsh, I am here to talk not make myself look like an angel. I am far from that.

But I am human and feelings change along with everything else. I am going to give this more thought.

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I also wanted to add that yes I knew of what he was doing to a certain degree. I did not know how deep and how complicated it would turn out to be. When he was picked up by the state, I was fine waiting the 4 years that he got if not 5. I stood by him in hopes he would change because that is what he promised me. And he tried or at least tried to convince me that he would with the business he put up.

But it was not until he was picked up by the Feds that I realized that it was much more than I actually knew or that he actually told me. I saw things I would never have imagined he would be involved in. He tells me its all crap, that they are manipulating the evidence. But I'm not even sure anymore. Yes it is much as my fault as it is his. But at the same time he was not being totally honest with me. And I guess that was one of the things that brought me down even more.

I still am going to give more thought. Because all in all, like you stated. I did make those vows.

Thanks again for your response. Feel free to continue to comment. It helps me.

Actually I have something to say about this as I have gone through this before...

Being that yes you guys are married and all the vows blahblah...

I think it is called being selfish of him to expect you to be with him for all that time married or not... I have know people that this has happened to and it should be him saying, I love you and this is my mistake and I cannot expect you to suffer for it. Move on for yourself and if and when I get out if it is meant to be then we will be together.

Most times when men go to prison, they start with this whole I found god and I'm sooo in love with you stuff. They cling on to everything they have left. Don't get me wrong I don not point the finger just to him but sometimes we need to take some responsibility for our actions and realize that they do have consequences that we may not like... its called being an adult!

Hi,
I'd love to chat with you. I am a producer on a new Discover show called Prison Wives. I am looking for a woman who happens to be married to an inmate. I am specifically looking for someone who doesn't think the marriage is going to work.

If interested in telling your story, please contact me.

Thank you.

Tracy Evans
Producer
Sirens Media
[email protected]
301-920-9865

Hi,
I'd love to chat with you. I am a producer on a new Discovery show called Prison Wives. I am looking for a woman who happens to be married to an inmate. I am specifically looking for someone who doesn't think the marriage is going to work.

If interested in telling your story, please contact me.

Thank you.

Tracy Evans
Producer
Sirens Media
[email protected]
301-920-9865

Hello tv:

Well, if she's not interested, why don't you do a story about a smart mouthed excon with a heart of gold. I know one. He's young, hansom and charismatic. Ok, I don't know about the young part.

excon

This is a really, really tough call.

If it helps, a friend of mine left her drug dealing husband, with her two young sons, and the night she moved into her apartment, he was killed by his partner who thought he double crossed him. Another man was also killed by this person. He is now spending two 1st degree convictions behind bars.

And it still isn't over for my friend, the widow. She knew some of the parties involved, and now and again something happens, like certain individuals slowly drive by her house. She has a key to my house, and other places she can go if she is in danger, but she is always looking over her shoulder. Not because she did anything wrong, the reason she left him was because he wouldn't stop his 'business'.

But for the fact that your husband is in jail, and my friend's husband is dead, there is no guarantee that if their fates were not what they were, that it is more likely than not they would have continued with what they were doing. You may have not known the partners or day to day dealings of your husband, but you are guilty by association in my opinion.

If your husband were to get out tomorrow, or in 16 months, or five years, would you stay with him now? Stick it out? What chances are there that he wouldn't be doing the same thing for a living, putting you and your children at risk, once again, breaking promises to stop.

What life do you expect for yourself. How much does any one person owe another. 10 years, 20, 30? If him being in jail is the reason for a divorce, how does that weigh in on if he had had affairs, or was the owner of a bank and ripped off millions of dollars from customers. Would you feel any more freedom to end the relationship under different circumstances?

What if there were no history, but, you just fell out of love with him. He's a man you love right now, but what happens to you when his life is put on hold for perhaps years to come; if love isn't there, what happens to your commitment then.

Is it really so much about the fact that he is in jail now, or is it more about the fact that you are just not able, or willing to make a sacrifice to stay. Nobody can judge you right or wrong, good or bad, moral or immoral for making that call for yourself, for your own reasons.

Having not walked a mile in your shoes, and having not walked a mile in his shoes, you have to make the call, and do what you decide is best for you and your children.

I am going through a similar situation. My husband is waiting for his sentnce but I know off the bat that he will be gone for at least 2-3 years for a violation alone. It can be lonely but you did take vows. No one can really tell you what to dou you have 3 choices 1. follow your heart and YOU be happy, 2 wait and be miserable, 3 keep creeping. But trust me he knows that you are messing around, he just doesn't say anything. It's all apart of the game.you both knew the chances but when its going well we don't think about the consequences.

Hello... I know this post is old... but if someone comes across it they may be able to take some good advise. :)

I knew my husbands family before I meet him... they seemed great. They set me up with him when I was going through a hard time. He didn't get out on his board and I am two years into this jail marriage and over it. I can't wait to be rid of this situation... way too stressful!

His family are a bunch of con artists, who lie about everything and have stolen jewerly and money from me. Not to mention all the other stuff they pulled and the disrespect. I have had it... I am sure there are some nice guys in jail, as my husband is. But PLEASE never marry one in jail... also if he is going to be there along time... get divorced!

All you are going to do is spend a ton of money on transportation to the visit, money for food in the vist, money for phone calls, money for his prison bank account, buying him food every month, and buying him clothes he needs. About $500 per month!

In the meantime you are outside on your own w/ no kind of help or support. Not worth it and not fair. Plus a lot of those guys will get out and cheat on you anyway because they have been locked up so long... it only natural.

Wait until the guy gets out of prison and see what really happens.