Hello. My daughter just turned 12 today and she has been on and off miserable since December because we don't let her sleep over her best friends how as frequent as we did before and she wants us to go back to the old ways of the frequency of sleeping over. We are close personal "family" friends with the parents of the child and get along well so we never had any doubts of her sleeping over. However it all began in New Year's eve, we wanted out daughter to be with us, of course on New Years eve because it is family time with out relatives but our daughter was bored with nobody her age at the party and she did an extreme tantrum for around 3 or 4 days because we wanted her to be with family. We even offered her Best Friend and her parents to come along but they had their plans already. So after 3 days of tantrums we brougt her to the doctor and they basically took notes and did not really help out with any solutions that work. So for the past 5 months, she has been on and off crying tantrums especially when it is the weekend (sleep over time). We let her friend sleep over one time and our daughter slep over one time since December but our daughter will NOT let up until she sleeps over more frequently. My wife and I do not want to give in as we believe this won't help. We are willing to help and compromise but it doesn't seem to work. Can some body offer advice? She basically hates punishment/grounding etc just like all kids but does not take well to it at all.

And her behavior affects by 8 year old too as her big sister always brings her into her misery.

Have you explained to her that she is working against herself by throwing tantrums like a toddler. That you feel that when she shows more maturity then you will reconsider.

When you do lay down the ground rules like once a month over her house and you will increase it as you see fit or whatever.

Puberty, oh yes. She is riding the emotional train of hormones, testing limits with you and throwing tantrums... Just to see if it gets her her way. Expect it and help her learn how to behave like an adult would.

I have a daughter at the same age. We have had many talks, her in tears about her surging feelings. She wants my guidance and her own independence at the same time.

I have set down some rules.

1. It's okay to be angry, frustrated or sad.
2. Once she has identified what feeling is most urgent, she is to give herself permission to have it. Then, safe ways of expressing it are practiced.
3. Yelling at me, kicking the dog, manipulating Grandma are not okay.
4. Respectful behavior from her is rewarded by me giving her privileges.
5. If she is unsure how to deal with a feeling or confused, She needs to ask me about it calmly. Then we troubleshoot.

She'll appreciate the fact that you accept her as she is and want to help her grow. Staying over at a girlfriend's house is a privilege, a gift. It isn't a given. Bringing her little sister into her drama is normal... Is that the example she wants to set for her sister?