Hi all, I've actually been on this website and read the great advice for a while now. I finally have my own dilemma that I feel I have to address.

I broke up with my one and a half year boyfriend recently The first nine months of our relationship were great. We were flirty, playful, and we always enjoyed each other's company. We were both interested in the same things: video games (World of Warcraft - this will come up later), laying in bed and talking, and sharing our views about the world. I was a very laid back cool girlfriend who would rather lay in bed talking than go shopping (which is his type). Overall, we were very compatible.

As we got to know each other better, I discovered some things that were a little upsetting. First of all, he would always say little things that would unnerve me. This is his first relationship with a girl so many of them I just waved off as being naïve. When I brought it up that I had a problem with it (ie. Calling other girls hot - he would rarely call me hot or give me any compliments in general) he would stop which I appreciated.

However, I felt as though it's stirred jealousy and insecurity within me. All of those little things put together eventually make me sincerely believe that I was not good enough (despite him telling me otherwise). I would start inventing scenarios in my head that were completely ridiculous and trick myself into believing them. For example, I'd convince myself that he was cheating on me, or that he put me as his last priority, or that he believed I was ugly. Now, the unusual thing here is that, this only happens when we are apart and don't see each other for the week. When the weekend comes and we finally get to hang out together, suddenly everything is normal again and we have a great time together. (We are both 20 and in university which is why we only spend weekends together.)

It got to the point where I literally hate myself. I hate the way I think, I hate the things I say to him, I hate the way I act around him. I hate myself for being jealous and insecure. But I can't stop. I can't stop being angry. I can't stop making up stories in my head. I can't stop thinking that I'm a terrible girlfriend. So I broke up with him because I knew one thing: I wanted him to be happy and I didn't want to drag him down with me.

Now, I still hate myself and I'm miserable. I'm trying the NC but we both play WoW and I see him online. I don't talk to him on WoW but just the realization that he's there is painful. We also did arena together (this aspect of the game where you team up in pairs) and he's left my team. I think this is an indicator that he wants to stay away from me and move on. I'm very sad and self loathing. During the time that I broke up with him, he kept on trying to convince me to stop and calm down and that he wanted to come see me (you see how nicely he treats me?). But I can't help but be a selfish insecure girlfriend. I need help on how to change myself back to the laid back charming girl he fell in love with in the first place, and once I've achieved that, how I can get him back.

I'm so sorry this is so long. Sometimes I think I do have a disorder such as Inferiority Complex but I don't have the money to see a shrink since I'm a poor college student. Please help me heal and grow up.

Wow, you have major insecurities and you let it ruin your relationship.

However, I am glad you recongnize your insecurities and want to change.

The first step will be for you to see to a counselor. I know you said you can't afford one but they do have some free ones out there.

If you live in the US contact your local Department of Mental Health and they can give you a list of free counselors. Or you can contact your local city hospital mental department and see if they offer free counseling because the ones in my area does.

Also, you can Google free counselors in your area. If you have health insurance you can go through them by getting a refferal from your doctor.

Btw, if you don't have health insurance you should applied for some. They have free or low cost insurance through Medicaid so contact them. Again, if you live in the US.

Once you start seeing a counselor you will be surprise with the change from within. It would happen overnight but a change will happen once you give it time. Also, they have a lot of self-help books out there that can help you along the way too.

I'm also glad that you realized that you have these insecurities and that you wish to change.

Liz's advice about councelor and health insurance is great and if you want to go for counceling you should look into it.

What you can start doing is maybe have a diary, where you make a list each day. This list should contain 3. things/decisions that you have made and are happy with. Each day... I've done this myself and its hard at first. When you feel low about yourself it can really take its tolls... and for a while I have to admit that I found it hard to finde 3 things I was happy about (so, so many things I wasn't happy about)... start small.. :

e.g.
1. I delivered my term paper on time and did a pretty good job.
2. I read 20 pages.
3. I did laundry and cleaned my room.

And so on.

In the same diary you can also make list with 3-5 notes about what you are happy about (when it comes to you as a person!)

1. I'm a nice person
2. I have great hair
3. I have a vivid and amazing personality
4. I'm smart
5. I'm an awesome WoW player (lol I used to love that game... hehe haven't played in 2 years though :P)

If you start small and keep in mind what you used to like about yourself... I believe you can gain self-confidence (once more :))

Also, every time you walk past a mirror... smile at yourself and think one happy thought about you! This might not be so efficiant at first, but after a while it will really help you to apprciate yourself and like yourself.

I think that its important (when you have insicurities about youself) that you keep reminding yourself that you have friends and family that loves you, that like you for you.

And even though you let the insicurities get between you and your boyfriend... well: we learn from our mistakes.

Hope this was of some help!

Best of luck!
Roxy :)

Had to spread the rep Roxy, but great post.

To the OP, learning to be happy with who we are is perhaps the key to life and also one of the hardest things to do. It is an ongoing effort to find things we enjoy doing and to also find value in what and who we are. "Can't" never will do anything for you... attitude is 80% of the game, and by changing your attitude, you can change your life. Life isn't about finding someone to connect to, it is about connecting to yourself and letting that connection project on the rest of the world. Not to be preachy or anything.

What you are going through is normal, but must be overcome. If you can't value yourself enough, you will NEVER enjoy life, and that is sad and unfortunate. Help yourself, help others and live life! Good luck!

I remember after my breakup that I was a fairly depressed and unactrative person. Tore myself down to build myself up sort of thing. Most people have been where you are. It is hard to do, but change is possible and needed.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by roxypox

I'm also glad that you realized that you have these insecurities and that you wish to change.

Liz's advice about councelor and health insurance is great and if you want to go for counceling you should look into it.

what you can start doing is maybe have a diary, where you make a list each day. This list should contain 3. things/decisions that you have made and are happy with. each day... I've done this myself and its hard at first. when you feel low about yourself it can really take its tolls... and for a while I have to admit that I found it hard to finde 3 things I was happy about (so, so many things I wasn't happy about).... start small..:

e.g.
1. i delivered my term paper on time and did a pretty good job.
2. I read 20 pages.
3. I did laundry and cleaned my room.

and so on.

in the same diary you can also make list with 3-5 notes about what you are happy about (when it comes to you as a person!)

1. I'm a nice person
2. I have great hair
3. I have a vivid and amazing personality
4. I'm smart
5. I'm an awesome WoW player (lol I used to love that game... hehe haven't played in 2 years though :P)

if you start small and keep in mind what you used to like about yourself... i believe you can gain self-confidence (once more :))

also, everytime you walk past a mirror... smile at yourself and think one happy thought about you! This might not be so efficiant at first, but after a while it will really help you to apprciate yourself and like yourself.

I think that its important (when you have insicurities about youself) that you keep reminding yourself that you have friends and family that loves you, that like you for you.

and even though you let the insicurities get between you and your boyfriend... well: we learn from our mistakes.

hope this was of some help!

best of luck!
Roxy :)

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Love the post Roxy heart. The diary thing is a good thing to do. It gives her a change to see her progress.

To the OP, you have to start thinking positive because your mind is very powerful and can play tricks on you.

Don't think "I am not ___" think positive by saying "I am___". Have a positive outlook with yourself about yourself.

Except your flaws and love every inch of yourself from your head all the way down your toes. Because you can't love anyone until you love yourself.

Start the diary to start your process. Every time you have a thought whether if it is bad or good write it down. Try to change your thoughts to something positive when negative thoughts enter your mind.

I think WOW is no good. I played it myself for a while and all the relationships with girls on there are glamorized by guys who flip out when a girl is around. I am sure it would be a self esteem booster to have 40 guys drooling over you and wanting to flirt with you but I think it may be bad for reality because WoW promotes false securities. It also could make your BF jealous when other players are constantly seeking your approval.
As far as arena, maybe you just weren't a good match for his character... again, it feels personal because he is your MAN, but it's like kicking you out of the starting position on the football team because you aren't as good as someone else (skill wise). Unless he was committed to spending time with you and that's the reason you did arena.. but it sounds like he wants to spend time with you, but then he wants more points, etc...

I would personally get off WoW entierly. 1. you don't talk to him so it just causes drama. 2. other than entertainment, it's a HUGE waste of time... which you will never get back. 3. you are 20!! You have so many opportunities to live life and love life, don't get stuck in a room for 2 or 3 years. 4. I played WoW and after all those years playing I don't talk to literally anyone from my guild, except maybe 1 person and its very superficial, hello, hi, how are you.

You could be meeting people in your area and NC will never work if you see him online, or you group with him, or etc. You will look back and be glad you stop playing WoW, I don't know anyone who stops playing and says.. man what a big mistake to stop playing, if I would have stayed playing I would be so much better off in life.


( and I'm not saying playing video games is bad.. but I don't think this particular game experience is healthy for your mind or relationship. )

So agree with you liz: that's pretty much what such a diary can help you do, to change your thought process.

The climb down takes a while (the self- loathing, self hatred) it starts small as well... and suddenly you wake up and its all consuming... so this is pretty much an opposite direction and action... you start small, but you rebuild the self image that you've lost.

Like KC said; to find oneself is very hard. Gosh taken me years. (lol and years of therapy ;)) it's a slow and long road to walk, but you can get there.

And you have the right attitude for such a journey!

Hi, it's the OP.

I'd like to say thanks to all that has replied. I will take your advice to heart and start the diary. It is unfortunate that the only diary I have with me at school currently is one that my exboyfriend gave to me years ago. I was thinking of just doing the diary thing on a word document or something.

I would also like to thank KCTiger for telling me that this is normal because I would have never believed it otherwise. My behavior is terrible and out of line and I always think there is something mentally ill with me. Now that I know other people experience the same things, it is easier to accept myself and change.

I still think it's hard though because I allowed it to come this far. It feels like it consumes me inside everyday - the self loathing.
I was wondering if you believe my exboyfriend might be interested in me again once I change? I do know the process is long and tedious but how do you think I should approach him?

I am a BIG believer in just worrying about yourself and letting the rest fall into place. I wouldn't worry about whether your ex will be interested in you, the only thing that matters is how happy you are with yourself. Once you can be truly happy with who you are, whether others are interested in you becomes a nonfactor.

The others have given you some great responses, and the only thing I will add is, walk your own path, and let the ex walk his.

Great advice all around. I definitely would suggest keeping a journal, reading some books, exploring new hobbies and interests (and disengaging from WoW) and finding a new life with new people and places.

The more well-rounded your life is the better chance to find similar people who support your hobbies and interests even if separate from theirs.

The more grounded you are in your life the better people you pick and the less insecure you are.

It all starts with building your own life. Step away from the WoW and live your life!! You can do this!!

Also, besides the diary, self-help books, and psychologist, I recommend that if you have anyone in your life who is constantly tearing you down, to stop talking with them or try to get away from them. For example, anyone who second-guesses you: "why did you go down x street instead of y street?" "you shouldn't go out wearing jeans to church" etc. You are the master of your own life and are capable of making decisions. You aren't going to die because you decided to go down x street instead of y street and you won't be attacked by the other churchgoers just because you're wearing jeans.

Hi, OP here.

Thanks again for believing in me but I already feel that it's going to be tough.

To Talaniman - it will be very difficult to lead different paths from this person. I am classmates and very close friends with his brother (we go to the same university) and I really enjoy talking to him. I'm also good friends with his cousin. We used to all hang out in the city together. He's also close friends with my brother (they play WoW together also). Also, since my ex and I went to the same high school, some of my best friends are his best friends too. We all would hang out in a big group together and have the most fun times. I have almost no friends that I made in university because our classes are so large. Overall, all my really close friends are our mutual friends.

What should I do about this problem? It is going to be difficult to avoid him. Also, he is the only guy that I've met that I feel compatible with. With my other exboyfriend, I felt that I was fake a lot of the time. The only people I feel completely at ease with is this new exboyfriend, his brother, and our mutual friends. I feel quite utterly alone now that we've broken up.

It's hard but you really need to branch out and find new interests and hobbies and people. Staying dependent on this one group is only going to make you continue to feel alone. You can branch out. Honestly. You can do this!!

You are not the first person that has built such a life around friends, that its hard to get out, and be independent. Get out of that artificial comfort zone, and see how you fit in the bigger world.

Expand your horizons, to see how other people do things, so you can learn and grow.

Yes its an enormous challenge, but one you at least need to try at.

Once you figure yourself out through growth, and you become happy with who you are, you will attract others who are happy with who they are, and that's when the big fun starts.

I'm sure you hear this a lot but I can't stop thinking about him. I almost called him several times today just to ask how he was doing. I know that if we were to talk again/meet in person, we'd be so compelled to get back together. For now, I'm just trying to think of all the mean things he's said.. but it's difficult because I just rationalize it with him being angry at the time.

Is it okay to call to ask for one of my belongings back? It holds a lot of value to me and I accidentally left it in his car. I was thinking maybe I should wait two weeks or so before breaking NC and asking for it back. Or should I just do it now?

I think your ex caused you to get all these insecurities..

I was with a guy once who was really into me.. the bad thing was he used to always tell me I had long arms, or that girl is hot, or "if i wasnt dating you i would date your best friend", or that girl is prettier than you (and eww, she wasn't!).. My point is because of him I developed all these insecurities about myself just because of him..
Then I dumped his a** after 4 weeks of being together..
Later I realized he was just projecting his insecurities on to me...
I had never felt so worthless in my life... I'm assuming you went through almost the same thing because the dude I'm talking about rarely called me hot too... (but your relationship lasted way longer)...

To be honest it took me awhile till I got back to myself.. it wasn't easy because when I broke it off with him I was actually really so much in like with him... what made it harder was few days after I would hear stories about him and other girls.. and that didn't help...
The only thing that really helped me get back myself was to not see his face again or speak to him(honestly, not speaking or seeing that person can do wonders, especially if you are surrounded by positive people)... and this really helped... (especially since me and him had some sort of strong chemical connection that pulled us close when we saw each other)...

About your thing I would suggest you call him up and tell him you want your thing now.. its better to get it over and done with so that you never have to communicate with him... It might be best, if its reasonable, to tell him to mail it to you...

What ever you do, try not to contact him much.. or at all... it will suck you back in and you won't improve...
Or at least just try to take some "me time" do discover yourself and see if you notice any improvements..
Good luck..

Hi,

My ex and I broke up recently and he told me he wanted to stay friends. I agreed because I really do like talking to him. Do you think this is a good idea? Will it help me get over him? When we talk right now, I still feel very sad and heartbroken but will that fade eventually if we keep talking?

Who says you have to be friends with him? You don't sound like you're ready. Some people never are. You're still hurting so don't try to force a friendship. Tell him that you're not ready for that right now.

At some point you may be able to be friends but if not, that's OK too.

I'd advise to go No Contact. Don't talk, text, or hang out. Being in contact with him will not help you to move past the pain. Work on healing.

Right now you are asking because you want us to give you advice that you won't listen to anyway. You're going to think "well I don't like him, I can handle it, I'm strong enough." Then he'll introduce you to his new "friend." You'll put a fake smile on your face and greet her, and make a hasty exit so you can go cry yourself to sleep for the next few days.

Then, you'll realize that you still want more than friendship with him. You'll realize that No Contact really is your best choice while you move on and heal. You'll get reminders, you'll check his facebook/myspace, and he may or may not give you the space that you asked for. Finally you'll get tired of hurting all the time and you'll go No Contact for real.

After a few months, you'll realize that your life is still intact without him and you're actually happy and moving on. You won't think of him all the time, and when you are reminded of him you think of what you learned and the happy times you had instead of the heartbreak and the pain.

Then, and only then, can you be friends with him. But of course, you won't listen to us. Don't feel bad, most people don't. ;)

~ Tee