My husband is home now. He cheated a while back and got the girl pregnant, and ran away for a while afte telling me. But he's been home for a couple of weeks now, and I've made the decision that I want to work our marriage out. But I dotn know how. Every time I try to move forward and stop thinking about it, I feel all this resentment, and an overwhelming hate for him and the homewrecking . Has anyone been in this situation and has some experience? I'm not ignorant, I understadn it takes time, a lot of time, but how are we to finally move past this if all I can think about is that he's having a baby in 6 months. His first born, since the two of us haven't had the joy of children yet. But we had been trying for almost a year unsuccessfully. O also don't want to be the evil stepmother, which is what I feelI will be.

Well first of all, if he's the one who cheated, he should be the one on his knees begging your for forgiveness and putting in all the effort. You should not be suffering, you should be treated like a Queen. If he can't earn back your trust, then you shouldn't take him back.

I am so sorry for what you are going through.I can't even imagine how painful this must be.

I have been cheated on but there was never a child.That complicates the situation so much. That is much more painful.

My question is why is she choosing to have this child? Is he promising that he will be there?

Having a child from an affair seems odd to me unless he is promising her something.Why would she want to have this child ,that is the question,unless he promised to be there for her?

You are the only one that knows if you can deal with this.
No one can answer that for you.

When I was cheated on I forgave but ,not really because I always had it in the back of my mind.

I never got over it,in my heart,In my head,yes,but your heart is what keeps you loving.

You will have a child to remind you. I think you need to really look in your heart and see how much forgiveness and understanding you have,

If it was me,he would be long gone.

The thing that I don't get is why she is having a baby from him.Because he said he would be there,because he said he loves her.
Call her ,have a chat,see where she is coming from.
See what you husband promised her and then make a decision.

I know exactly why she is having the baby. He didn't cheat with someone neither of us knew. He chose to cheat with a woman both of us work with and who has been trying to get between us from the very beginning. She had her eyes on him from the start.
She's told me the reason why she's keeping the baby is cause she believes she will never have a man of her own and the baby is her right and her number one priority. But she is taking this away from me. My husband isn't leavig to be with her. If he was I'd simply laugh. Cause he'd be giving up everything for trash. I used to give him everything, which may have been the problem. So no he isn't giving her anthing, they don't even talk. Since I have full access to all of his form of communication. He'd be the one losing everything, I told him, "by all means, be my guest. just remember as soona s you leave i'm moving on"
That was a one time conversation, which lasted 30 seconds, never again.

What are the chances this is not his baby?

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Originally Posted by horsespferde123

i know exactly why she is having the baby. he didnt cheat with someone neither of us knew. he chose to cheat with a woman both of us work with and who has been trying to get between us from the very beginning. she had her eyes on him from the start.
she's told me the reason why she's keeping the baby is cause she believes she will never have a man of her own and the baby is her right and her number one priority. but she is taking this away from me. my husband isnt leavig to be with her. if he was i'd simply laugh. cause he'd be giving up everything for trash. i used to give him everything, which may have been the problem. so no he isnt giving her anthing, they dont even talk. since i have full access to all of his form of communication. he'd be the one loosing everything, i told him, "by all means, be my guest. just remember as soona s you leave i'm moving on"
that was a one time conversation, which lasted 30 seconds, never again.

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So basically,. you have no question,just a rant ? Its O.K. I would to :eek:
Lets establish paternity first.

Yes,your question was how do you get over cheating.Sorry !

Some can ,some can't .

Like I said ,I forgave or at least I thought I had but no matter how how I tried I could not forget that the foundation of our relationship was fractured.

It was subconscious. I wanted something else.

I wanted to but something was broken.I went for years after that and ,something just got lost between us when that happened.

I wasn't trying to feel that way.I wanted it to work.

We all have strengths we don't realize until they are needed.

It you are determined to make this work for you ,you will.I forgave and I don't regret it.

Personally ,I think it had something to do with my distance years later. Just me. Stay strong and don't ever let anyone treat you less than honorable.

By the way,your man should be going overboard to show you how he understands how deeply he hurt you .

Artlady's right (again).

It is possible to get over cheating, I did, and it was because the behavior was out of character for my then partner (we separated many years later for other reasons). I was pretty idealistic and naïve at the time about relationships, and I believe that in the end, the experience made me more realistic and mature.

However, what you are describing is quite different. This was with a person that you both know, there is now a child involved and you have been trying unsuccessfully to get pregnant.

I think that you need to ask HIM what he intends to do to regain YOUR trust and love.

Why was he so easily smitten by this woman who was out to get him?
How does he propose to manage the relationship with the woman and his baby?
What will he do to ensure that you come first in his life not them?

In essence it's him that needs to re-establish the relationship with you and reassure you that he is worthy of your love and trust. He needs to reassure you that you and the child that you want to conceive come first, not the other woman.

Finally, if he's still working with her, then he needs to change jobs and, if you can, so do you.

All three of us are in the military, and thank god I have enough connections that I was able to find work in another unit. As for her, she has asked to be taken out of the area so she doesn't have to see us anymore. After my husband told her he doesn't want to be with her she had a temper tantrum and started screaming that he will never be in his baby's life. Which is fine by me. But is this fair? Obviously he hurt me, undeniably so. But at the same time he created this child with this wretched woman, it's a part of him. Sure a constant reminder of his infidelity, but still a part of him. I hate that I feel like this. That I feel this incredible hurt and anger for him, but at the same time I feel bad that he won't ever get to meet the child, cause she thinks she's better than us and is trying to control us this way. No matter what I do, she keep coming into our lives. Keeps sneaking herself back in. is it normal to be thinking the way I am? Its starting to cause me anxiety and I feel as if I'm stuck in a spinning room.

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Originally Posted by horsespferde123

all three of us are in the military, and thank god i have enough connections that i was able to find work in another unit. as for her, she has asked to be taken out of the area so she doesnt have to see us anymore. after my husband told her he doesnt want to be with her she had a temper tantrum and started screaming that he will never be in his babys life. which is fine by me. but is this fair? obviously he hurt me, undeniably so. but at the same time he created this child with this wretched woman, its a part of him. sure a constant reminder of his infidelity, but still a part of him. i hate that i feel liek this. that i feel this incredible hurt and anger for him, but at the same time i feel bad that he wont ever get to meet the child, cause she thinks she's better than us and is trying to control us this way. no matter what i do, she keep coming into our lives. keeps sneaking herself back in. is it normal to be thinking the way i am? its starting to cause me anxiety and i feel as if i'm stuck in a spinning room.

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Yes! It is absolutely normal to feel that way that you do. Your life is taking quite a different turn to what you thought and your husband has behaved badly. You're angry, confused and upset.

Unfortunately, your husband has created the situation. No going back now, there is a child on the way to whom he owes a financial and emotional responsibility. Karma for cheating I guess.

In some ways your anger towards this woman is misplaced - remember firstly, your husband is a married man and cheated on you, and secondly he didn't take adequate precautions to protect himself.

He's now created a child who has no part to play in any of this drama - although I am sure his mother will make sure they do in the years to come.

Sadly, you are stuck with this one for life. Your husband does need to be responsible and he will need to create strong boundaries in the years to come to manage her behavior if he wants to see his child.