:confused:
Hi Everyone,
I am in dire need of advice. I’m a 22 year old female, tall, thin, dark hair, I’m told that I am attractive. I’ve been dating the same man for 2 years now, he is 28, my height, handsome, beautiful eyes, and originally a charming and wonderful personality. BUT the past year has been going mainly downhill for us, and I’m not sure what to do about it. Our main issue is Sex.
We waited a month to have sex once we started dating, to be sure our relationship was going to be based on other ideals, it was his idea, which surprised me, but it seemed reasonable and smart. Of his past number of girlfriends (we have both been with 5 people, including each other) he says (and I apologize if I am being too graphic- so I’ll attempt to sound more scientific) that I am the only girl to ever make him ejaculate from oral sex. Sounds like a good thing, right? Wrong. We used to have sex several times a week (in my last relationship it was at least once a day, but I was okay with several times a week if that was how my new boyfriend was). And then the past 8-10 months it has only been once a month, and when we do, (with ample lubrication) it feels like I am being ripped apart, like I am being raped honestly.
I have shared this with him, because when it was at least a few times a week it didn’t hurt me. He acknowledges this, but does nothing about it. I will attempt to seduce him with lingerie & suggestive touching if he has had a long day, why should he have to do all the work? But almost all the time he will push my hands away or completely blow me off by walking away and leaving me there, all dressed up to impress him and it hurts my feelings so much. However, when he wants it, he wants it and so I will usually go for it since it’s so rare he wants to. But it hurts me, and I don’t understand how when I’m crying in pain after and he apologizes he doesn’t act proactively to work on doing it more often.
He says he has a libido problem, but refuses to try anything like Cialis, he also said at our year mark how he had been sexually abused or molested as a child. He refused to elaborate, but has said how his past three relationships, all with Asian girlfriends (we’re both just plain American, Irish mostly) were mainly about sex. He isn’t into porn, I know for a fact- but I feel like he isn’t attracted to me because I’m not Asian or something, which might seem silly but under the circumstances I don’t get it. I understand how being molested could affect your libido if you haven’t resolved the issue, I myself was aggressively raped three years ago by someone I thought was a friend… but I sought counseling and don’t have demons about it now, except when my boyfriend accidentally (and it seems like its accidental, I don’t feel like he is getting off on hurting me- & by hurting it feels like something too big going into something way too small if you catch my drift, my Dr even said I need to have relations with him more) hurts me during sex, that what it feels like. I suppose when it comes down to it I feel like the sexual libido thing suddenly is an excuse when he himself elaborated that there was clearly lots of libido in the past three sex-based relationships.
What should I do? He also says they cheated on him, something I would never do, but it makes me wonder why, and what’s so wrong with me that other men are interested in me all the time, just not my boyfriend. Is there any advice for this? Because communication clearly isn’t working, merely showing me that I have no control over the sex in our relationship and that he doesn’t seem to care that he hurts me when it’s so infrequent. I even suggested us using toys together in a sexual environment in our bedroom if he didn’t want to have sex, so that when we did finally have sex together it wouldn’t hurt me, he said it was a good idea but then leaves me standing there like a fool when I try to initiate anything….

Please help!

There is a problem. He only has sex to Hurt you? I don't understand. Both of you need to go to therapy. He is having problems, for whatever reason, (seems he is saying it's because of past problems), and you both need to work thru it.

I apologize, but I think you misread it - he ACCIDENTALLY hurts me. We have sex so infrequently that when we finally do it feels like losing my virginity, only 10x more painful. My OB-Gyn said that because I have a very strong muscle down there, if not used it tenses up causing pain during intercourse. My boyfriend knows this, but still refuses to help try eliminating the problem.

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Originally Posted by bronzebabe

There is a problem. He only has sex to Hurt you? I don't understand. Both of you need to go to therapy. He is having problems, for whatever reason, (seems he is saying it's because of past problems), and you both need to work thru it.

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It sounds like he is maybe stressed out or experiencing post traumatic effects from his past during intercourse. I read up the other day about something called sexual performance anxiety. Apparently, stressors in a guys life can affect his sexual performance with his partner. Such things as, stress at work, anxiety about his relationship, or even because of already low self esteem about his sexual performance could be some factors. It may also be just because he is upset about something in his life or his past, maybe since communication isn't working between the two of you, you should both see a therapist and try to communicate through them. If he cares about you he will go with you and try to figure out what's wrong.

Start with going to a therapist together, let the therapist suggest individual sessions. There's something more going on than performance anxiety or PTSD.

But at first there was no problem, that is where it is confusing for me. There has to be another issue, but if he won't talk about it, hard to decide

Couselor is a good start to get him talking

Fr_Chuck, That's what's so confusing to me... things were really good in the beginning and then suddenly the past year it's a dramatic change. The only reason I am not confident in his low libido reasoning is because he says that several past relationships (after being molested as a child) were based solely on sex. So, if things with us are so great as he says I would wish he would make the effort to have sex somewhat more frequently so that it isn't a painful experience that feels like when I was raped several years ago. Since both of us have had bad sexual past experiences (although very different) I would think it should bring us closer...

When did you tell him that you were raped? Was it around the same time as him telling you about his sexual abuse?
He could just have mentally connected intercourse with abuse after he re-visited his past. I'm assuming that every time he hurts you during sex that he feels terrible for doing so (possibly even putting himself in the position that he feels that he's raping you?), which puts him off even more.
Therapy would definitely help, in my opinion.

Try googling "secondary vaginismus" in regards to your pain.

I think that it all sounds a bit strange - particularly if things were normal to begin with.

Anewday makes a good point - could it have anything to do with you telling him you were raped? Perhaps your own response to sex is a reaction to your rape?

The first thing to do is to get some communication going - how much do the both of you want to deal with this in reality? Why is he OK when you talk and then does not follow through? These are the things that you will need to discuss, as I suspect there are no easy answers.

Perhaps your doctor can suggest a sex therapist - it may be your only sensible option.

I know that sometimes my husband hurts me during sex. But it is on accident and once I tell him it hurts he stops. Sometimes it's the position. We can only have sex in certain positions so that it doesn't hurt. Just have him start slowly and let him know when it doesn't hurt anymore so he can go faster. Walk him through it. And if he doesn't want to listen and just pounds it into you then he isn't worth your time. If he doesn't care about the fact that he's hurting you then he either a) needs professional help and you both need to get to a psychiatrist or b) likes that kind of activity and has sadomasocistic (sp?) tendencies. If either of these are the case then you need to stop having sex right now until you figure out what the problem is. You don't deserve to be hurt like that.

Some people like the whole sensation of being raped or pain but if you are not one of them then he needs to know. I think a therapist is in order. If he was abused as a child then maybe he has some sexual things built up inside him that requires therapy. If you can't talk about this then the relationship cannot go on. Without open communication your relationship will fail sooner or later anyway.

He doesn't ENJOY hurting me, but when we discuss that it's a pain issue he is says he is open to being intimate together even without sex, just so that when do have actual intercourse I won't be in pain - then he doesn't ever act on it and just shuts me down when I casually suggest it (I don't want to pressure him). I recently suggested we see a sex therapist together and individually so that we can go over our own problems separately as well as together and hopefully the therapist could help us through it. We both agreed that we didn't want to lose one another over this issue.

I told him about the rape thing before he ever told me anything happened to him... months before and it never seemed to bother him, he just said the guy was an and no one should treat a woman that way. We both agreed that our relationship is healthy except for this part, and sex is a big part. So hopefully I can find someone and he will actually go with me so we can figure it out.

Thank you for your advice everyone, and I will definitely look up "secondary vaginismus" because when I tell my OB-Gyn about the pain she thinks I just am extremely 'tight' (for lack of better wording, and I apologize because I don't mean to offend anyone). She thinks the muscles just stay all tensed if I have a very limited amount of sex making it hurt when I do.

I agree you both need a therapist. It sounds like past things are bothering him and possibly you.

It sounds like it might all work itself out. That's great.

OK if it were any but a sex victim I would think he's getting some on the side but if he really was abused the he should seek concelling or he should take a break from a relationship

Alsoo eventually and possibly is this relationship is taking its toll on you I would break it off find some one new or enjoy being single try materbating its so much more satisfing and it doesn't complain

Ok first thing talk You have no idea how many of these situations are resolved by talking. Have you told him of your experience? It may help him:
1. Sit him down and openly confront him.
2. If he blames it on his childhood tell him about your past.
3. If he refuses to talk about it don't back down you need this conversation!
4. Suggest sex therapy or counselling to him.
5. If he still doesn't seem to care that it hurts you reevaluate your relationship - can you keep up with the pain?

I don't think it will come to 5 but it sounds like you both need some support steps 1-3 will only work if you two can talk openly but step 4 will help build bridges if you both want this relationship.

Good luck x