Ask Me Help Desk - I think my boyfriend might be gay, but I'm not sure

To put it simply, I'm confused about my boyfriends sexuality. I don't want to be hurt, but I want him to be happy more. He has told me that he is confused, but that was after about a year of trying to find out what this secret of his was. In the ed one of his best mates told him to just tell me cause he can trust me. I've known him for 14 years, and I'm just wondering if I've had it all wrong. Most of my friends tell me that he's gay, but I keep denying it. Not all of them know that he's confused. Here's why I get suspicious:
- he does dress 'trendy' (as some people put it) sometimes which can be seen as gay
- he doesn't mind talking about deeper things with me, except sex... we only really joke about that.. neither of us want it, but I'm not sure if its for the same reasons...
- he wants an orange buggy, which would just make him look so weird
- well, its just really the way he acts sometimes
- we've only made out twice(in one night) and we've been together for a total of 10 months. (we've been together twice now.)
The first time we were together I broke it up after 7 months cause I didn't think he was ready - more concerned with school than any normal guy... now we're together again and he's still obsessed with school, but I'm more accepting of it now.
His list of most important things goes like this:
Family
School
Swimming, water polo
Friends and me. Me and his mates are under SPORT! And they're not even manly sports either really. I just don't like it that I'm not up there with family. I've known him most my life. He's considered part of my family, but I don't think its quite mutual. I know his parents are a bit controlling with things, but seriously, I only see him once every two or 3 weeks, and he liked not even 10 minutes away! He goes to an all guys school. He says its more the swimming that makes him confused, seeing all the half naked guys walking around. Not school like I would have thought. I've told him that I'm always here if he want to talk, that I can take off my girlfriend hat and be just his friend again, but he says "no! i dont want to break up! i love you"!! And he meant it, I could tell. Not that I was saying to break up, I just meant so we could talk without me being the girlfriend who would be hurt. I just want to know sooner rather than later cause I'm in year 12... if its not going to work, id like to be able to go out and flirt with guys.. I know that sounds slutty, I swear I'm not, its just, I can't really be a normal teenager with him. If he's not gay, then I'm fine with not being a teenager, but if he seriously could be, then id rather know. I just don't want to be left hanging. I want to be out there having a good time... no, not sex, just having fun. I love him soooo much, but I'm just so confused. I want him to talk to me, and decide.. I know its hard, and he's going through hell probably, but I just want to know.
Please help me! Maybe give some advice on how to talk to him, what to say, what to ask, whether I shouldn't be with him, etc. I mean, what if we got married one day then he wanted to leave cause he just wasn't into it? Id feel horrible! Oh I don't know what to do :( HELP!
- goodgirl

He is gay if he enjoys having sex with other boys.

So because he is a good student, likes school and loves to dress nice you think he is gay?

It sounds like he perhaps is in a different social class than you are ?

You make me sound like a horrible person. Its not cause he's a good student. So am I, but I can have a social life too. But that's not why I was writing, I think I got a bit carried away. I love him more than anything, but I want him to be happy. I want to know how to help him decide if he is gay. If we should break up or how to talk to him... I don't know... I'm 17, I never pictured the guy I would marry (if we were older) being gay. I just want help, that's all.

You sound very mature for your age. The issue you have raised is well thought out.

He says that he is confused especially seeing half-naked guys. You could just leave things right there for now. He knows that you want to discuss things he's confused about, but he's not ready to make a statement yet.

I would address your own preferences. Like, how often would you like to see him? What would have to change for you to be lifted higher on his list of priorities? Tell him what you would like in a relationship with him.

Even if he decides that he's straight, is his current behavior likely to change? Is his apparently low placing of you, and the relationship in his priorities something you are willing to live with, for however long?

He could be bi. There's nothing wrong with that. My cousin is confused but he is very VERY femenine. But all you can do is accept him for who he is and support him. If he is pre-occupied with school let him study. And just support him because that's all you can do. Maybe you find that he could be just going through a stage like a lot of teenage boys do. Hopefully this helps.
Tc.

Thanks guys. Well, I did suggest he might be bi, but he shot back with "don't even say that!" I can tell he's prob not ready, but I just want him to figure it out so bad! And I don't think his list would change much even if he wasn't gay. Part of me hopes that it is just a phase, but the other sort of hopes that its not... I'm not sure why, I guess our relationship isn't really that exciting some of the time. We get told we act like an old married couple, and I don't always like that. I do love him, but its just not very normal :S oh well, time will tell I guess. Thanks :)

Are you serious?

Those are the reasons you think he is gay?

If that makes you doubt his sexuality, break up with him and find yourself a big strong man who works on an oil rig and comes homes and beats you.

I would consider you lucky to find a guy with those traits, not think he is gay.

Once again, they're not the only reasons. You don't know him. Its just the way he acts and the things he says sometimes. And sometimes I just don't think he;s that into me, its more of an ive-known-you-all-my-life type of relationship. The thing is, I can so picture him being gay, and I wouldn't have a problem with that, ill always love him, even if it has to be a friendship type of love. I am glad he's into school and stuff, its just hard sometimes when I don't get to see him much. I know I'm lucky. I just want him to decide sometime soon.

I do see where you are coming from but to be honest, school takes priority over everything else, even girlfriends.

If you stick by him then you can get through it, it's just my opinion but I don't think that straight guys have to be a real "mans man"
I don't know what 'other things' you are talking about but don't read too much into them.

Would you have a problem if he did turn out to be bi?
Would it bother you as long as he stayed with you?

If he said he wasn't gay/bi then you have no reason not to believe him.
:)

Sorry but I'm driven to take the harsh road here... If you think he's gay, then end it with him and find someone who's "manlier" if that's your preference. He deserves to be with someone that accepts him the way he is.

Honestly your reasons for thinking he's gay sound a bit juvenile and shallow. You think he's gay because he values his family and schoolwork, isn't pressuring your for sex, and he dresses nice. Sounds like a great catch to me.

Whenever you're in a relationship there will always be people that have something to say about it. You have to choose if you're going to stand by this guy that you say you love so much or let these other people get in your head. Truth be told, they're probably trying to trick you into breaking up with him so they can have a crack at him because he seems like a winner in my book.

Read some of the other threads on this board where girls your age are attracted to the "wrong types" of guys; real losers. The ones that in their teens have already developed drug and alcohol problems. The ones that smack them around. The ones that could care less about their grades and college. The ones that are constantly pressuring them to have sex then leave them to take care of a baby alone. Now, thank your lucky stars that you seem to have a guy with a decent upbringing and has something to offer.

FYI- the sports that you say are not very "manly" are difficult very physically demanding sports. Have you ever heard the name Michael Phelps? He's taken swimming to a new level. Everyone's not cut out to be a boxer or wrestler.

What you've described is a young man that has BALANCE. He has a little of everything; family, friends, smarts, style, extracurricular activities.

Now for the softer approach- if he says he's not gay, then take his word for it, not other people's. Enjoy being the one that he's chosen. Enjoy that he gave you a second chance. Enjoy that he's sticking around even though you're accusing him of being gay.

I never accused him of being gay. He told me he might be himself.
I know I have a great catch.
And I Don't listen to my friends when they say that. I wither ignore them or just say no he's not, I know him, you don't. They don't know that he actually said he might be.
I DO ACCEPT HIM THE WAY HE IS! I'd love him if he dressed up in drag and walked hinley (dont know how its spelt) street every night. He truly means more to me than anything. Its not the school and family that I worry about being below, its just sport... I don't know :(
I know you have to be cruel to be kind, but you make me sound horrible like that christian expert did. I'm not a bad chick, I just love my man and don't want him to be with someone else :(

He may be bisexual. (though he may not be either, he may have just had a fleeting thought and it worried/confused him)

Would it bother you if he felt that way towards men but still wanted to be with you?

Quote:

Originally Posted by goodgirl92

its not the school and family that i worry about being below, its just sport... i dunno :(
i know you have to be cruel to be kind, but you make me sound horrible like that christian expert did. im not a bad chick, i just love my man and don't want him to be with someone else :(

It's understandable to feel left out when someone has so much going on. Since you love him so much, try to participate in the things he enjoys. Go to his swim meets and water polo matches and cheer him on. He'd probably love that and really appreciate it.

My intention is not to be cruel but to help you to see what a jewel you have. You're right I don't know him, but you said some pretty wonderful things about him. :)

You're both young so he may not know what he's feelings. It's completely normal for both girls and boys to at some point have certain sexual-type feelings towards the same sex. It doesn't always mean that the person is gay. Curiosity is natural. He may be confused.

But based on your other thread, I don't think you should proceed with "more kissing and making out". Just don't push it. Enjoy the moment. You said you'd love him and still be his friend if he was gay. Seeing that you're both in high school and not sexually active, there's not really a big need to sort this out overnight.