My boyfriend and I have been going out for a little more than 2 years. He's jewish and I come from a catholic family.. what does this have to do with thanksgiving? Well, he's been to my family parties for christmas for the past two years, and I've been to his house for hanukkah for the past two years. The thing is, he's met more people of my extended family at holidays, than I have of his. I've only ever met like 2 uncles and an aunt. I am always invited, but don't accept because it's a holiday id like to spend with my family- i.e. mother's day, father's day, last two thanksgivings. In the last year-year and a half, he's lost two grand parents. Of course I was invited to the funerals but that to me is weird- I can make it for the saddest time but not for the happy times? This year I'm invited to thanksgiving. And I really think this year is the best year to go because his last grandparent is still alive and they don't know how much longer they'll have her. The problem is, I want to be with my family on thanksgiving, but I want to go to his and god forbid if I choose his family over mine at a holiday. I don't want to let down my parents by "choosing one family over another", plus it may not be an easy trip depending on where my family is going for thanksgiving. Should I go to his thanksgiving to finally meet everyone after 2 years, or figure out how to make everyone happy even if I have tospend 10 hours on the road. (okay, maybe not 10 hours, but more time than I'd like).

Compromise.

That is what being in a relationship is all about.

2 years, I'm guessing you are serious about this guy?

So, give up a holiday with your family to MEET his.

Or, why not plan a holiday of your own. Combine the 2 families?

You see your family for how many holidays a year? They all get to be the same after a while. Go visit you parents on a non holiday weekend, and meet his.

Your family needs to understand that when you enter a relationship, holidays get split. Maybe you can go to your family for a smaller dinner on Friday. Or maybe invite them to your place or to a restaurant.

Sit down with your family and let them know of your wishes... specifically your desire to meet more of his extended family and your concerns about their missing you. Its not easy to accept, but as you grow older, this is the reality. You merge into your own life and it doesn't always mean your parents get what they want. It might be hard for them to understand. It might not. Talk to them regardless. They deserve the chance to be supportive. And they also deserve a little patience if they are uncomfortable... you had time to think about it. They might have heard this for the first time when you bring it up.

A question - did your parents ever live away from their parents... as in were they always within driving distance, always got together, etc?

My mom lived at home until she was engaged to my dad. She had a pretty strict and difficult childhood but kept a close relationship with her mom. My dad was close to his mom, but he'd moved out around college-age. My grandmom lived in Florida for a few years, but we always drove the 24 hour drive from NJ to FL to spend christmas with her. We are a very close-nit family and this is the first real relationship that I have had. And this is new experience for them as well because my older sister moved out in1996 and pretty much did her own thing until recently when she started visiting home more often because my parents moved closer to where she lives. But she never really dated and when she did date, she didn't say anything to my parents, just to me and our other sisters. And now she has her own family where as I'm still sort of living at home and depending on my parents. My parents see things as me and boyfriend are heading closer to the alter, but fail to see our point of view- that having dinner at each other's houses, going to family get togethers, spending time alone together, and being together for so long- isn't running to the alter to us. They fear that I'll abandon school and getting a degree for being married.

Well, the fears of changing your lifes plans for a boy are real. Its done all the time and its usually a bad idea. I speak from experience. Dated a girl for 7 years (HS & college) and wrapped my plans around her. Funny how stupid that seemed when it fell apart. So those fears are real. Smart people do dumb things all the time. You really can't get on them about that concern.

You have to do what is right for you, and you should treat your parents with reasonable respect. These are not necessarily in conflict. You can decide to be with your boyfriend, and still not be disrespectful to your parents. If they get mad and yell, try to be calm. Let them know this isn't an "either/or" situation... as in either him or them. They need to come to terms with your growing up, and you might need to step up and take some responsibility for that. Meaning you might have to push to get what you want.

Would they support you if school took you away from home during a holiday? Would they support you if a job took you away? Well, having a relationship is a normal thing and part of your emotional development. If they press the issue the I'd-like-to-meet-more-of-the-family-before-they-die argument is pretty tough to fight.

Longer term, you might need to find a way out of the house for more personal space. Depending on your parents does mean you are more subject to their desires and wishes. I know its financially easier at home. Only you can decide whether its worth it.

Try not to make yourself sick over this. Really. I know you want to make everybody happy. Might be hard to do. But don't lose sleep and make yourself sick here. It really isn't that big of a deal. If you feel you cannot go to your bf's he should understand. If you go against your parents wishes they will still love you. So make a choice and don't feel like you are letting anybody down. Its just bad circumstances. It happens.

Thanks for your suggestions. Maybe since I am in school and the break is from the 22nd to the 26th, I'll be able to spend thanksgiving with his family, and still have a day or two with my family. So long as nothing serious happens like someone goes in the hospital or something.

cute quote. I'm sad to say it confused me for a few seconds. Moments like that are when my wife says "youre pretty" =)

Well, you've been with this guy for two years. If you're contemplating any kind of a future with him then some degree of compromise is going to have to be necessary and both families need to understand that. Some holidays are going to be spent with his family and some are going to be spent with yours. If you haven't spent any holidays with his family yet then, after two years, I think you owe him one. That's just my opinion.