Hi, my name is Emma and I am 17 years old, heading to college in the fall. I recently moved in with my dad and stepmom 5 months ago. My mom was somewhat abusive and I just needed a solace before college. Since moving here, however, there has been a learning curve, as I am a teenager and my parents are basically brand new. There has been some difficulty in deciding who plays what roles in the household, but now it is joint authority (which I asked for). My stepmom is very strict and unforgiving towards me. No matter what I do, I am in the wrong. I do all what is asked of me chore-wise and most days, more. My dad is very involved with his job and has little time for family. When he does though, it is never just mutual. I never get any time with him and when I do, it is really nice. My stepmom however refuses to share him. And she is always contradicting him. For instance whenever he agrees for me to do something, as I am walking out the door or getting into my car, she says no. She is constantly disapproving of how I contribute to the household. I can never find peace with her. Why is our relationship like this? And how can I try to change it? I know she is a good person and I love her, but I only have three months left before college. I just want some downtime with my dad and the ability to go to the pool on a Saturday without being reprimanded by her. What can I do?

Talk to your dad about how you want to spend some father daughter time before you go to college and not letting anything interfere with it.
Maybe when you go to get in your car say something to the effect that is in her favor.
Like I'm going to the mall, hope you enjoy your alone time with dad.

YOu should talk to your Dad about having some time alone with him before you leave for college and leave it to him to arrange it with your step mom.

You can make her feel more comfortable by making comments like, "I love you so much - I'm so glad Dad found you...now I can go off to college and know you are looking out for him".

As for the housework, perhaps just sit down with her and tell her, "I want to do my part around the house and I appreciate that you let me know what needs to be done. At the same time, I need to be able to go out with my friends and do my own thing without being made to feel guilty about it, or be told "no" as I'm walking out the door. Can we work out some arrangement so that we agree in advance what I need to do, and the remaining time is my own to manage?"

Some suggestions might be to have a list of things to be done that you both agree to in advance (once the list is posted, she cannot add to it). Or you might give her certain hours of the day, such as from 8 to 11 am in the summer - during that time, you're there to help with whatever needs to be done.

YOu might have to stand up to her at a certain point and say, "Mary, I will take care of that later. I did everything you asked, and I made plans with Brittany and it would be rude to cancel on her now. I can take care of that for you when I get back (or tomorrow or whatever)." Just stay respectful and nice, but if she's being unreasonable, you can draw some boundaries at your age.

Wait for him to be in a good mood, make sure all your chores are done so everything looks great. Ask as kindly as you can and repectfully to your dad if you could spend some father-daughter time with him. And if you want, mention how your stepmom keeps interferings and how that is ruining your connection with your dad. Also, mention EVERYTHING you've done for the household and what you've finished with your chores and that it would be unreasonable to not let you go. You NEED time with your friends and family.

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Originally Posted by hellokitty00

wait for him to be in a good mood, make sure all ur chores are done so everything looks great. ask as kindly as you can and repectfully to your dad if you could spend some father-daughter time with him. and if you want, mention how ur stepmom keeps interferings and how that is ruining your connection with your dad. also, mention EVERYTHING you've done for the household and what youve finished with your chores and that it would be unreasonable to not let you go. you NEED time with your friends and family.

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I think this is bad advice, indeed. If the OP thinks she has problems now, wait until she goes running to her father with a list of how stepmom is interfering and how her interference is "ruining" OP's connection with her father. I also don't think telling the parent that anything is unreasonable is a good idea.

She should sit down with the stepmom and share how she feels. She should also sit down with the father and share how she feels.

I'm a stepmom. It's not an easy road from either side. You marry someone, the kids live with their mother, they visit, you have a life with your "new" husband and, bingo. The kids are living with you. It's not an easy road from any angle. I wasn't their friend. I wasn't their mother. I was their father's wife and I wasn't sure just WHAT my role was - nor were they!

I found that being honest, not keeping score, learning to share the father/husband, setting boundaries is the way to go.

I was not jealous of my stepdaughters but on occasion, yes, I resented them. All worked out but there were some difficult moments for all of us. My stepdaughters and I agreed to NEVER put my husband/their father in the middle, to make him "choose" between us.

So the OP should be honest and frank and TALK to Dad and the stepmom.

Step-parenting is so difficult if you haven't done it you just can't understand it and age has little to do with it I first meet my stepdaughter when she was 3 months old and it was always a little hard to get her to giggle at things and to play,then we had our first child and all I had to do with them was just make a face and they would break out laughing.theres no physical connections so you have to work extra hard.the op is giving a one sided issue I'm sure she resents the time dad spends with his wife instead of her knowing she's about to venture off to college.

Hi Emma,

It's who is at the top of the pile concerning your dad.

You have obviously got a very strong bond, which the step mum is never going to match,so the next best thing is being in control, which is what she does by disapproving of you at times,not allowing you to spend time with your dad,her having the last word,in fact being very difficult and spiteful most of the time.

To her you're the link to his past, the other female in the house,your in her territory and she's not about to back down.

It's time for your dad to step in, there is no need for this conflick, it makes a very uncomfortable living atmosphere for everyone.

Your step mum needs to realise that your dad also loves you, as well as her and that you will always be the most important thing in his live,as well as her.

He is the man of the house and should not allow her to treat you in this way,especially since you seem very kind and helpful and as you say do all your chores around the house.

I think you all need to sit down and put all of the points that are bothering each of you, discuss each point and what can be done about it.

Her resentment towards you must be sorted out... it will only compound if left unchecked

Orphans advice is absolutely backwards.
First off "you have a strong bond that that the stepmum can't match"
Its not a step parents job to match the bond of the child,the child's bond is there as any bond between a child and a parent.The bond between a man and his wife is the priority,it's the glue,it's the thing that keeps everything else going.the bond between the child and the father is secondary.she is not the most inportant thing in his life as long as he is married .your emotions got the best of you and your advice here is wrong

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Originally Posted by zippit

orphans advice is absolutly backwards.
first off "you have a strong bond that that the stepmum can't match"
its not a step parents job to match the bond of the child,the childs bond is there as any bond between a child and a parent.The bond between a man and his wife is the priority,its the glue,its the thing that keeps everything else going.the bond between the child and the father is secondary.she is not the most inportant thing in his life as long as he is married .your emotions got the best of you and your advice here is wrong

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That is not always true. I love my daughter more than I would ever love a man. My daughter comes before any man. As Judy said, the love between a man and a woman is totally different than the love for a parent and child. The bond between me and my child is number one and will always be before a man.

When I was growing up I went through the same things with my step-mother (and she had raised me since I was 2! ). She was very jealous of the relationship I had with my father and frustrated with the burden of being responsible for me. When I was 16, she gave my father an ultimatum that either I go live with my mother or she was out the door... well I ended up with my mother.

The relationship is mended now that we are both adults and she no longer feels the responsibility of being my care taker. She can feel a sense of relief that she isn't always the 'bad guy' being the sole discplinarian while my father was the angel in my eyes.

Step-parenting relationships are VERY difficult, they aren't bonded and often find themselves resentful of the responsibility and affection, especially the affection of a father-daughter relationship. It shows your step-mother's insecurity in herself. Do what you can to have a sit down with all parties. Discuss how you feel, in the best non-threating way you possible can. Stress your limited time in the house and this is one of your last opportunities to bond with both parties. Try making bonding dates with both parties individually and find some quality family time.

The time you have left there is limited, just ensure that following your time, if you don't receive the opportunity to bond with your step-mother, you call and make 'dates' with your father when you can.

I agree with Judy on this. You are all adults, and for the time you are going to be living there, you need to include everybody in any discussion regarding conflicts with both your step mother, and your father.

Clearing the air just may make everybody feel better.

Of particular importance in establishing a trustful relationship with both, is the fact that you will likely return.

Holidays, vacations, study weeks etc. To leave with unresolved conflicts like this, will only cause more resentment, the next time you come home.

You said that you love her, and she is a good person. Go with that knowledge, and give her, and your dad, the benefit of the doubt that you can be honest and open with them both, together.

Think of it as building any relationship. There will be conflicts, but in the end, you will know that they can be resolved. Clear the air now, and when the time comes to come home again, you will really look forward to it, and so will they.

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Originally Posted by zippit

orphans advice is absolutly backwards.
first off "you have a strong bond that that the stepmum can't match"
its not a step parents job to match the bond of the child,the childs bond is there as any bond between a child and a parent.The bond between a man and his wife is the priority,its the glue,its the thing that keeps everything else going.the bond between the child and the father is secondary.she is not the most inportant thing in his life as long as he is married .your emotions got the best of you and your advice here is wrong

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You are entitled to your opinion, I disagree...

My children will always be top priority in my life, no doubt in many other parents lives.

This is not a competition, and yes, a husband and wife's love for each other is totally different, however what you have to remember is, the step mum is one of only 5 months and the daughter is not a child but a young lady, therefore does not demand the attention and discipline for a small child,but needs to be treated... as a young lady

Emma is trying very hard to meet her step mum half way, but still she is ridiculed.
Obviously she is very envious of the father daughter bond, they have many years between them, where as the step mum is not (with respect) Emmas mum, therefore there is no history... all those little tender moments you get from your kids...

The step mum would like 100% of the dads time, but Emma takes some of that, which is what she is objecting to.
Maybe not consciously but in her sub-conscious.
I can see that being newly married she wants her new husband all to her self, but he comes as a package which they would have discussed before hand, I suspect she thought " Emmas all grown up, it's not like having a small child".

I am sure if they all sit down and discuss their issues,it will soon be sorted out and they can resolve any problems they might have now or in the future.

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Originally Posted by ANB428

That is not always true. I love my daughter more than I would ever love a man. My daughter comes before any man. As Judy said, the love between a man and a woman is totally different than the love for a parent and child. The bond between me and my child is number one and will always be before a man.

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That is an EXCEPTION to the rule, in the family unit it should be the parents bond for each other that keeps the family unit strong no-way is suppose to be parent child before mother and father you'r talking about a personal issue and I'm talking about the majority of strong families out their

It is a difficult situation with no easy answers. You only have a few months left before going off to college. I recommend that for the sake of your long term relationship with your father that you grin and bear it. After you move off to college she won't have the ability to control you and you are likely to find some other guy to become the main guy in your life. You won't be living in their house long and you may end up married or in a career. Then you'll just be an adult relative and if she gets rude at that point you can put her in her place as an equal and then walk out of her house with your head held high. Who knows, maybe she will mature to the point where you can be friends by the time you graduate from college. Don't give up on her, she may actually love you and is just trying to correct all the things that she thinks your real mom did wrong (not that your real mom was wrong).

I don't think the OPs position is one of wanting to disrespect her step mother, and I don't think a decision needs to be made over who's more important to the father - his daughter or his new wife. In reality, when a second marriage follows either married party having children, the reality is that neither the marriage nor the parent/child bond can be first priority all the time. At times, parenting takes priority, at other times the marriage does. This teen just wants to make it work, and should be commended forf doing so.

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Originally Posted by JudyKayTee

I think this is bad advice, indeed. If the OP thinks she has problems now, wait until she goes running to her father with a list of how stepmom is interfering and how her interference is "ruining" OP's connection with her father. I also don't think telling the parent that anything is unreasonable is a good idea.

She should sit down with the stepmom and share how she feels. She should also sit down with the father and share how she feels.

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I wholehearted agree with Judy on this with one caveat. If your stepmother is a rational person, the advice should work. If your stepmom is irrational and vindictive, no amount of sitting down and discussing things will help. Figure out which she is and act accordingly or move back home to your real mom.

If you can't talk to your mom than maybe it is time to have a family meeting with you, your stepmom, and dad. This way everyone can sit down and let their feelings out in an open/mature/civil way.

I understand your dad works but he should be involved in his household. My dad wasn't around much when I was little due to him being in the Army but he knew everything that went on in our household he always made time for us. So I understand your dad is working but he might be using that as an advantage to escape what he going on in the house between you and the stepmom.

I hope you come back.

Jemma,

You sound very mature and down to earth. Sit down and talk to your stepmom and explain how she is making you feel. Ask to take her out for coffee and just sit and have 'girl talk' and let her know that you love her and you love your dad, but you are feeling 'shoved to the side'

Specifically explain to her that you only have a few months left with your dad, and that while your glad your father found someone to love and share his life with, you need some time with him as well.


Good luck hon *hugs*

[QUOTE=jemma713;1753735]
My stepmom is very strict and unforgiving towards me.
.
. I never get any time with him
. My stepmom however refuses to share him. And she is always contradicting him.

QUOTE]
I still stand by my opinion that the op is giving a one sided viewpoint,and some are painting the step-mom as evil,she has said its new to her,it just makes the most sense she's there for a short stay before going off to college demanding all she can get of Daddy's attention and resenting stepmoms interference.plain as day

So I am catching this EXTREMELY late, but I can 100% relate with the OP. And you know what? Eventually my dad stuck up for me. My ex-stepmom left my dad one morning while we were at church, pretty much the only thing that I got to do with my dad. Years later, after she had started going to psychiatrist, she called and apologized for the way she treated me.

I don't think that the OP's story is that one-sided, because just from what I read, I had flashbacks of the worst 6 years of my life. My mom died when I was 11 and my dad was remarried 3 months later. I'm not going to get into all the details, but my brother and I weren't allowed to spend any time with him. She put dead bolt locks on the bedroom doors to their room, had her own drinking water, refrigerator, microwave, you name it in there. We were not allowed in the room, if we wanted to talk to my dad we had to talk through the door. I'm not even exaggerating. My brother and I were 11 and 8. The only time we got to spend together was at dinner and she only cooked for my dad. My brother and I had cereal most of the time. I would have a list of chores to do every day, not that I complained about having chores, but they all involved cleaning up her messes, dishes that she dirtied, her laundry. I would mop the floor every single day, vacuum, clean windows, yard work. Not only did she not have a job, but she did nothing all day long. She truly resented us.

I realize my case may be a bit more extreme than the OP's but my point is, we can't really make the call that her stepmom isn't just like my dad's ex wife.