My boyfriend (age 34, I am 35) was a late bloomer, and is extremely neurotic about his sexual performance. He does have reason to be - he's not very adept at foreplay and he usually lasts a minute or less. On the rare occasion he doesn't climax quickly, he usually can't climax at all. He's only had one other serious girlfriend, who I suspect may have been faking orgasm because he has (what I consider to be) unrealistic expectations of what it should take. He told me that his ex never once failed to orgasm when they had sex. I think I do pretty well considering his issues, but it takes some mental gymnastics on my part. Over time I'm losing interest in having sex with him at all.

In the beginning of our relationship I tried making gentle suggestions, and he either ignored them or took them very personally as if I was criticizing him. I've asked for oral sex (which he does relatively well), but he has a frustrating habit of getting up to go rinse his mouth out before continuing. I finally told him this was like resetting the score to zero and starting over, and he's been a little better about it.

I'm just scared that I'm going to scar him for life if I say the wrong thing. He asks what I need to become more interested in sex, and I've told him I'm nervous to talk to him about it because he seems so insecure. He hasn't said, "Go ahead and tell me, I can take it, I want to know". Are my fears legitimate? Is there any good way to tell someone that they're not good in bed? Or is this a job for a medical professional?

How compatible are you otherwise?
How IN love are you with him?
Can you live with this the rest of your life if it never gets better?

Well, while the answers to Nohelp4u's questions are relevant, not very many relationships can last without sex. And bad sex can be damaging to a relationship. I have similar problems with my boyfriend. He has never been with anyone else and has odd habits (for starters he hardly ever gives oral and when he does, he continually wipes his mouth off). He also has some difficulty grasping the difference between being romantic and "screwing" (apologies), therefore is lacking a little in the foreplay department.

But I think that you really need to try and talk to him. It will be just as bad for your relationship if you do not talk to him honestly. He can take it; and he will probably end up appreciating your honesty.

Plus, it may be just as hurtful to him that you don't talk to him about it, as it is for you when he washes out his mouth (I know I would find that hurtful).

Best of luck

You need to express your concerns to him and you can do just watch your wording.

Say positve things like "I would like it if you ____, I was thinking would could try this____, I would appreciate if we could try ____". Let him know your dislikes and likes. Play around with different positions and toys.

When he is doing something wrong be a guide by telling him what to do while he is doing it. Talk to him about his stamina. Does he have any medical conditions?

I think sex makes up an important part of a relationship and nothing should be taboo to discuss with your partner when it comes to this. You have to tell him what you want and you shouldn't have to fake nor walk on eggshells when it comes to talking about it.

I know some topics might be sensitive but it doesn't mean you should disregard it. Just choose your words wisely.

Perhaps you could rent or buy some instructive videos.

He could learn many different techniques and it would also help his staying power.

I don't think you will scar him.
Not everyone is great in bed.

He needs to know that you are not the ex GF and everyone is different.He needs to learn how to please YOU.

Perhaps you could introduce toys into the sex.
Make it playful,its not a contest,its for recreation.

Take the initiative and make up some sex games.

One scenario could be that he is your slave and he has to obey all of your sexual commands.

Or he is just an innocent virgin and you are a lady of the night ,showing him the ropes,step by step.

Take the pressure off and if you must ,show him how you masturbate,where your hot spots are.

As Liz so wisely said use "I " statements,they are less accusatory and will not put pressure on him.

All the people here have given out some good advice.
I think if he is going to be upset every time you "critique" him, you will never get what you need out of him.
Couples therapy might help.

Time to just be honest, tell him that all women are different and this is how you like it, and be specific. Tell him people have to learn

Sheesh. Sounds as if he wants it all his way really.

I guess I would ask - how important is the relationship to you? Because this one's going to be hard work. There is no doubt that sexual incompatibility eventually seeps into other areas of relationships. If you just put up with it, it will eventually drive you crazy, and I suspect his sensitivity to 'criticism' may already affect other aspects of your relationship.

If on the other hand, you want your sexual relationship to improve, let him know. Of course not while you're in bed or while you're having an argument!

Look, he's a big boy. I'd suggest that it's time for him to grow up. There comes a time when we all have to deal with things that are difficult. Yes, this is a sensitive area - especially to a man, but, this is his time, and you're the bearer of the 'bad' news.

It seems pretty clear that he has difficulty getting out of his sexual comfort zone (which is pretty limited by the sounds of it), let him know that this is his opportunity to explore and experiment with sex in a loving relationship - what greater gift could he ask for?

In the end it's his choice - but you may have to make a choice as well.

This sounds like a tough one to crack - I would suggest seeing a sex therapist simply because they will teach you how to talk to each other and they will stop him and help him understand if he starts becoming neurotic when you voice your concerns.

In the mean time, avoid negative criticism at all costs. When you talk to him tell him that all women are different and you need the extra effort. You need to tell him that your suggestions are nothing personal; that with sex there is no one right way to do it and each time you change partners you have to learn what makes them tick.

My boyfriend also has trouble lasting sometimes but he gets around that by going down on me when he feels like he's getting close, that way he gets a break and sex lasts longer.

Why don't you suggest keeping a bottle of water somewhere handy so he can take a sip every now and then but it won't take as long as going to the bathroom. If you refrigerate the water it could provide extra pleasure for u in making his mouth cold ;)

Good luck ;)

Fr. Chuck's answer was good... when he compares you to his ex, let him know that everybody is different. Whatever you do, don't let him know your suspicions about his exe's performance with him. If none of the other poster's suggestions work for the two of you, I'd suggest counseling with somebody who specializes in sexual issues. Good luck...

Hi hun
Try to take a breather first of all are there major stamina issues? If there are try durex performa condoms put the condom on and give him light oral for a little while (helps pass the time while the anasthetic kicks in) This numbs him a little and allows him to keep going for a lot longer. Or you could try using 2 condoms to desensatise him. If sex is the only area you two struggle in then its worth you two trying some potential solutions. Other things are if he's a visual person blindfold him he won't get as aroused as quickly and will be able to last longer. But you do need to talk to him be honest he asked you how it can get better so tell him also get him to give you more foreplay so that you are more aroused before you have sex and are more ready for climax.