I am 44 years old and I have been in a defacto relationship for 14 years. We have 3 boys 8, 11 and 12.
Our relationship has never been great as we have always argued. My partner has no respect for me at all and drinks quite a lot (and has always done so). He doesn't come home some nights until the early hours of the morning and doesn't bother to tell me that he will not be home for tea. This is now the norm for him. He doesn't accompany us on family outings anymore (unless it is to my mums) and the kids and I are just getting used to doing things without even checking with him anymore as we know he won't want to join us.
He sits in bed each night and eats his tea there so he can watch his own TV shows and so he doesn't have to deal with the boys and spend any time with me.
I have lost respect for him and so have my boys, although they love him and Im sure he loves them. He doesn't do much with the boys as he would prefer to spend time alone drinking or with his mates or even just watching TV. I take the boys to cricket, footy etc and try and do as much with them as possible so they don't miss out on things other kids do with their dads. They do notice that other dads do heaps of things for their kids and that he doesn't do that for them.
We have no physical relationship anymore. He has not kissed me for 18 months and I can't remember the last time he said he loves me (would have been a couple of years). I am put down all the time and called a fat slob (worse language than that actually, but I didn't want to type what he actually calls me). He calls me names in front of the boys and they are now arguing between themselves like they see their mum and dad do regularly. Many nights I get my pillow thrown out the bedroom door and told that Im not allowed to sleep in our bed, so I go to the spare room.
It is all out of control and I don't know what to do. I love my boys and would do anything for them, but Im not sure how much longer I can stay with my partner. I know deep down the boys would be better off if I was living apart from their dad. My 12 year old worries about me a lot and that makes me cry too. The poor kid has the weight of the world on his shoulders as he sees all that goes on (cant hide it from him, he is very intiuitive and caring).
I have been married before (when very young) and don't want to see this relationship end too, but feel no passion for my partner at all. I feel unloved, uncared for and alone. It is like being a single parent, but with an extra adult in the house always yelling at me and the boys. As the boys are always arguing and fighting, that causes friction between my partner and myself as our styles of parenting differ completely. He just yells and wants to clip them behind the ears, my strategy is to separate them, talk more calmly and deflect the situation before it escalates. I get in trouble all the time for defending the kids when he is tearing strips off them and callling them names... I would protect them at any cost.
I know there are always 2 sides and I have to take responsibility too. I have not been the loving partner that I possibly should have been, but when the respect goes, it is hard to be caring and kind, especially to someone who appears to be repulsed by you (well that's how it feels).
I feel worthless and unhappy and can burst into tears at any time, but I just can't seem to make that decision to leave. We have a lovely home and the boys love living on a farm. Do I just continue to live this lie (as I pretend to everyone that all is ok) or should I be strong for my kids and make a new life for us all? Am I being selfish if I leave? Am I being selfish if I stay?
I have lived alone before and I hated it. I know I have the boys so I would be OK, but I don't want to spend the rest of my life without someone special in it. I crave love and affection (as Im not getting any of that) and I long for someone to be in my life who cares for me, who will protect and love me for the person that I am. What if I never find someone else?? Am I better just to stay where we are relatively secure (even if it is hard and loveless) or do I leave and just hope for the best??
I am not a horrible person like my partner says I am. My friends just want what is best for me and I know they don't think my partner is worth the stress and tears.
I even find myself so depressed about it sometimes that I end up snapping at the boys. Its not their fault. As I said, I feel worthless and ugly and this is what I am told all the time. I just want to be loved.
Confused, scared and alone.