Ask Me Help Desk - Do I end my marriage?

I am 44 years old and I have been in a defacto relationship for 14 years. We have 3 boys 8, 11 and 12.

Our relationship has never been great as we have always argued. My partner has no respect for me at all and drinks quite a lot (and has always done so). He doesn't come home some nights until the early hours of the morning and doesn't bother to tell me that he will not be home for tea. This is now the norm for him. He doesn't accompany us on family outings anymore (unless it is to my mums) and the kids and I are just getting used to doing things without even checking with him anymore as we know he won't want to join us.

He sits in bed each night and eats his tea there so he can watch his own TV shows and so he doesn't have to deal with the boys and spend any time with me.

I have lost respect for him and so have my boys, although they love him and Im sure he loves them. He doesn't do much with the boys as he would prefer to spend time alone drinking or with his mates or even just watching TV. I take the boys to cricket, footy etc and try and do as much with them as possible so they don't miss out on things other kids do with their dads. They do notice that other dads do heaps of things for their kids and that he doesn't do that for them.

We have no physical relationship anymore. He has not kissed me for 18 months and I can't remember the last time he said he loves me (would have been a couple of years). I am put down all the time and called a fat slob (worse language than that actually, but I didn't want to type what he actually calls me). He calls me names in front of the boys and they are now arguing between themselves like they see their mum and dad do regularly. Many nights I get my pillow thrown out the bedroom door and told that Im not allowed to sleep in our bed, so I go to the spare room.

It is all out of control and I don't know what to do. I love my boys and would do anything for them, but Im not sure how much longer I can stay with my partner. I know deep down the boys would be better off if I was living apart from their dad. My 12 year old worries about me a lot and that makes me cry too. The poor kid has the weight of the world on his shoulders as he sees all that goes on (cant hide it from him, he is very intiuitive and caring).

I have been married before (when very young) and don't want to see this relationship end too, but feel no passion for my partner at all. I feel unloved, uncared for and alone. It is like being a single parent, but with an extra adult in the house always yelling at me and the boys. As the boys are always arguing and fighting, that causes friction between my partner and myself as our styles of parenting differ completely. He just yells and wants to clip them behind the ears, my strategy is to separate them, talk more calmly and deflect the situation before it escalates. I get in trouble all the time for defending the kids when he is tearing strips off them and callling them names... I would protect them at any cost.

I know there are always 2 sides and I have to take responsibility too. I have not been the loving partner that I possibly should have been, but when the respect goes, it is hard to be caring and kind, especially to someone who appears to be repulsed by you (well that's how it feels).

I feel worthless and unhappy and can burst into tears at any time, but I just can't seem to make that decision to leave. We have a lovely home and the boys love living on a farm. Do I just continue to live this lie (as I pretend to everyone that all is ok) or should I be strong for my kids and make a new life for us all? Am I being selfish if I leave? Am I being selfish if I stay?

I have lived alone before and I hated it. I know I have the boys so I would be OK, but I don't want to spend the rest of my life without someone special in it. I crave love and affection (as Im not getting any of that) and I long for someone to be in my life who cares for me, who will protect and love me for the person that I am. What if I never find someone else?? Am I better just to stay where we are relatively secure (even if it is hard and loveless) or do I leave and just hope for the best??

I am not a horrible person like my partner says I am. My friends just want what is best for me and I know they don't think my partner is worth the stress and tears.

I even find myself so depressed about it sometimes that I end up snapping at the boys. Its not their fault. As I said, I feel worthless and ugly and this is what I am told all the time. I just want to be loved.

Confused, scared and alone.

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It is all out of control and I don't know what to do

I hope you remove yourself from this situation, and find some help healing, and learning to rebuild yourself. He is an abuser.

Besides his alcohol problem he is miserable and tries to lower your esteem by saying mean things to you. He is hurting you on purpose and the sad part is that is he doing it in front of the kids.

I don't know how you can live like this and how could you let your kids see this. This situation is beyond unhealthy for you and your kids. Love doesn't here.

You smiling on the outside but is dying on the inside. This is enough to cause you to be depress and did you know depression can cause other health problems? For your own sanity and piece of mind and for your children sake you need to leave because this is affecting them too.

Counseling is in order and maybe some group counseling for you. Marriage counseling, AA, might can save your marriage but he has to be up and open to it and most of all be ready for change.

However, I am not concern about him--only you and your kids. You need to do what is in the best interest for you and your boys.

If you are so unsure of what is best, if to stay or to leave, ask yourself what reasons you have to stay and what reasons you have to leave. Staying in a marriage for the children's sake does not do them any good, because they will grow up with the wrong values and examples of what should be, and they can grow up resenting you never did anything about it.
Your husband needs help, he is an alcohilic from what you mention. If he is willing to get help and shows that he cares about the family and actually does something about it, then it would be different. You don't mention if you have talked to him about his lack of attention to you.

First try letting him know you are not happy with how things are going and why. Let him know you are willing to try if he really cares about you and the children. If his response and actions are not positive then start preparing for all you need to do to start a new life for yourself and your children where you can be happy.

pretending to be happy does not work, the truth eventually comes out, and your children can sense and see the truth. Instead of pretending to be happy, do all you need to do to be happy for real, and your children will be happy as well.

Before thinking about being able to be with someone else... first get yourself together and realize who you really are and all that you are worth. You don't need to worry about being able to find someone who can appreciate you.

People respect those who respect themselves, respect is not something that is given to you, you earn it yourself, and one way of doing that is knowig how and when to draw the line. When you do this, you will be able to feel happy about yourself, for having the courage to look after your best interest and your childres best interest. Do it with determination and don't let yourself become involved with emotional reactions, try to stick to logical thinking instead of heart thinking.

Sadly, you know what has to be done - you are all slowly killing yourselves - emotionally and spiritually. Your life is joyless.

Your relationship with your de-facto has run its course: there is no love or affection between you, he doesn't participate in family life, and worst of all your sons suffer because of the negativity and friction.

It's always hard to make that decision to leave but perhaps things would be better if you were apart. Your DF could see his boys and spend time with them at designated times, your sons would not have to witness the lack of care and the arguments between you and you would have the chance to recover your confidence and your joy.

Making a better life for yourself and giving yourself the opportunity to find joy in your life again will provide your children with a better template for their own future lives. How will they go into their own relationships if the only template they have is your current relationship with their father?

You are not worthless and ugly, but you need to believe this and make the move to separate from a situation that makes you feel like this.

Speak to a solicitor and start making the moves to separate from this toxic situation as soon as you can. You will all benefit in the end, even your de-facto.