Hi there... I am new to this forum, to any forum for that matter... But, I need to get some outside advice on this one

My boyfriend has been taking citalopram pretty much since I met him a year and a half ago. About 4 months ago, he stopped taking his pill and was fine for a week or so, then got very aggressive, paranoid and extremely short tempered. He also became "iceman", for lack of a better word. Completely without any emotion other than anger or contempt. I gave him the ultimatum to take his pills or move out. He began taking his pills and after a couple days returned to his normal self.

2 months ago, we moved to a new city, both getting awesome jobs. He works in an environment with lots of people and has made tons of friends. I work in a small shop with two other employees, both male. We began to argue almost immediately about his going for drinks with his co-workers 3 or 4 times a week after work. Not calling, not bringing his phone with him. He is very unempathetic about my not having a "life". Saying its my problem. He defends his right to go out with friends, and continues to not call and let me know.

He had begun to get short tempered and moody again, and I told him that hemaybe needed to increase his dosage. He told me he hasn't been taking them and he didn't need to. I asked why he wouldn't tell me this, and he said that it was none of my business.

I need help handling this. I am not in a position (financially) at this time to give him the same ultimatum I did before...

Welcome to AMHD mjfromtbay!! I hope you get the assistance you are looking for here.

Let me start by saying that you should NEVER give an ultimatum. They never work. Period. Unless you are ready to fulfill your end of the bargain if he does not take his meds. See, if you tell him you are going to leave if he does not take his meds, then you better really be prepared to leave and then do it. No backing down. He has no commitment to you, no ring that I know of, no children that I know of, and no certificate of marriage that I know of.

That said... Many men (but not all) believe that once they are feeling better they are cured, they do not "need" the meds anymore. I know, I have lived in almost the same circumstance except I had children and a marriage.

I know you are asking "how did you fix it?" Well, I got a microrecorder. When he went off on a tangent I taped it and replayed it back when he was in a better mood. He never realized that was what he was doing till he heard it.

Going out with friends is okay, but you can defend your position by saying "Please just call so that I know where you are and that you are okay. Otherwise I get scared that you have been hurt." Never use the "You" word. Never say things like "Well, YOU never call me...YOU go out drinking...YOU have a life and I don't." People tend to get very defensive if you go about it that way.

Remind him how much fun he is while he is on his meds. YOu can do this very subtly.

Also, it is EXTREMELY important NOT to drink while on any antidepressant, even Celexa (Generic Name) as mild as it is.

Thanks so much. I do know the importance of only giving an ultimatum when you are prepared to accept whichever answer. Which is why I gave him one 4 months ago, fully prepared to show him the door, and why I haven't given him one this time. Right now, I am not financially able to take over all the bills if he chooses door #2.

I like your idea of the recorder. I love that! I don't know why I didn't think of it; I had used a recorder during my marriage. Played it for the marriage councelor actually.

I do tell him that it isnot a jealousy thing about him going out after work. (did I mention the bar is a topless one?). But, I resented him having the only vehicle, and not answering when I call ( he claims that he can't here it in the bar), and not letting me know a vague idea when he'll be home. After one such incident last week, I told him I was keeping the truck, and he could find a ride home (I would drive him to) work. Because I was finding it hard to "get a life" with me and the two kids at home with no wheels.

Thanks for the advice

Hey there... Just an update. My boyfriend started taking his pills again a week ago. Not because of anything I said. I guess he got pulled aside at work and was told to calm down. I am just glad that he is on them again. I don't exactly know where I am going in this relationship, but I am happy for the reprieve. I have been thinking way too much lately. I don't know if I will ever be able to completely give myself to him again, given the way he had been treating me for the last 6 weeks. Like I said, at least for now I am not living in a war zone. It is funny how the balance changes. I stop giving a s**t, he starts. I am just so not wanting to play these power games anymore. Just want to feel loved, feel free to love, and enjoy my family. Is that so unrealistic? Oh, happy canadian thanksgiving, everyone!

Why are you not financially in the same position to give him the same ultimatum? Bad spot to be in. I'm assuming that his new job pays a lot more than yours so he's paying most of the expenses in your new city. Why did the two of you make this move? Unfortunately I think you're going to have to give him the same ultimatum again. If he refuses to resume taking his meds then pack your bags and go back home to your old job (or a new job in your old town.) Stay with friends/relatives if need be.

I am not at this point financially able to give him an ultimatum. Having just moved to this city, setting up, getting the kids enrolled in their things, car insurance, etc. Not to say that I will not soon (couple months) be in a better position. Yes, he does make more than me. Yes, I realize it is a bad spot to be in.

We made this move to improve our standard of living. Calgary is a beautiful place. We moved from thunder bay ontario (the lower-case lettering was not a type-o). My boyfriend makes more than double his thunder bay salary, and I also make significantly more.

I don't know if you read my last post--he did start taking his meds again. I guess my problem now is that I can't just "forget" the way he treated/talked to me these past weeks. I do want us to continue with our plan to make a life together. But, I don't want to go through hell every 4 months.

Right now we have basically called a cease fire. There have been no intense talks. I am just regrouping I guess. I saw a change in his behavior almost immediately, but, I am still "tiptoeing" around him, waiting for him to snap. Not a good feeling. I feel like I am 17 and he is my dissaproving father.

I need to do some soul-searching I guess.

Thanks for your input. Sometimes a person can be so close to a situation, it is hard to be objective.

Did I hear there are two kids involved ? His? You need to think if you can help this person or not. If he cannot realise the importance of maintaining his health why should you be responsible? He sounds immature and you had better think long and hard about this relationship. Only you can say if it is worth it or not.

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Originally Posted by mjfromtbay

I am not in a position (financially) at this time to give him the same ultimatum I did before...

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Are you in a position emotionally to deal with this? What I mean is your emotions and mental health should always come ahead of you worries about money. Search the paper for a roommate, can you borrow some money from famiy. You need to get away from this guy yesterday. He sounds dangerous. And not in a good way. This guy could possibly hurt himself or you. I'd go in debt before I'd give him that chance.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by mjfromtbay

Hi there...I am new to this forum, to any forum for that matter...But, I need to get some outside advice on this one

My boyfriend has been taking citalopram pretty much since I met him a year and a half ago. About 4 months ago, he stopped taking his pill and was fine for a week or so, then got very aggressive, paranoid and extremely short tempered. He also became "iceman", for lack of a better word. Completely without any emotion other than anger or contempt. I gave him the ultimatum to take his pills or move out. He began taking his pills and after a couple days returned to his normal self.

2 months ago, we moved to a new city, both getting awesome jobs. He works in an environment with lots of people and has made tons of friends. I work in a small shop with two other employees, both male. We began to argue almost immediately about his going for drinks with his co-workers 3 or 4 times a week after work. Not calling, not bringing his phone with him. He is very unempathetic about my not having a "life". Saying its my problem. He defends his right to go out with friends, and continues to not call and let me know.

He had begun to get short tempered and moody again, and I told him that hemaybe needed to increase his dosage. He told me he hasnt been taking them and he didnt need to. I asked why he wouldnt tell me this, and he said that it was none of my business.

I need help handling this. I am not in a position (financially) at this time to give him the same ultimatum I did before...

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Ask him to see his doctor. May be he does not want to take the med because of the side effects. It can sometime cause sexual dysfunction.
It sure sounds like he needs to be on something.