Hello,
I've been dating my girlfriend for 7 months, but went out on regular bases for about 1.5 years. We had many fights over the course of our relationship, but mainly were small problems that were easily solved (Only two big fights I remember that were left unresolved). However, about two weeks ago, we had consecutive fights which led to my girlfriend breaking up with me.
I was caught off guard. In fact, at the time when we met, I was trying to tell her my plan to make things better between us so that we won't have to fight (I won't get into details as it is irrelevant). So, to hear that my girlfriend wanted to break up was really a heart breaking experience.
We broke up in person, but I couldn't accept it. I was in denial. I called that night, the day after, and the day after that trying to convince her. She was solid as a rock and did not even budge. But, I did manage to shift her mind from a total break up to a "break" for 10 days. After the 10 days, she would reconsider and tell me her answer. Now, she wanted a NC during this period. I should've respected this, but instead I pleaded and made an agreement that we would call at night to check up on each other and say good night.

After 3 days of the break, I calmned myself down and had more opportunity to think about it, but now I am confused as to what to do.
I have a few options:
1. Do I continue to contact her via phone at night until the end of the break?
I mean I was the one who wanted this in the first place. Also, I called her and asked a second time two days after the initial break up to re-check if this is what she wanted. She replied, "This (contacting) could be a good idea because if things are good between us during the 10 days, it could act as a support to give the relationship a second try." However, I'm afraid that she is just doing this so that it will be easier her for her to commit to the break up. I mean she will be hearing my voice so she won't feel as lonely and bad.

2. Do I tell her that I need some space during the break?
Would NC for such a short amount of time really effective? I mean I have to contact her at the end of the 10 days to hear her final answer.

3. Do I tell her that I am accepting the break-up? (AKA. NC)
Basically I will end all contact with her and would have to strive to live my life without her. However, then what about the 10day break thing? It would mean I would have to say that there is no more a break.

4. Do I just stop calling her and only pick up when SHE calls me?



I'm confused as to what is the best option for me to make so that she would reconsider the relationship with me.

I would choose NC if we are actually broken up, but this "break" thing makes everything confusing.

By keeping in contact with her your just prolonging the inevitable , she's made up her mind and has only agreed to the 10 day thing because its what YOU wanted. The more you contact her now the more she knows she has control of the situation and the more it will push her away.

This makes her feel less guilty for breaking up with you but unfortunately the answer will be the same in 10 days.

Go strict No Contact and if its meant to be she will eventually come back. Sorry Pal but that's the way it works , we see it happen day in day out here.

Well would it still be bad even if I keep the phone conversation short? I will not be talking about the break up, but just what happened that day. I will not sound desperate and needy but just enjoying the conversation with her. I think this could show her that I don't "need" her but I just want her. I don't know if this is a good idea, but in theory seems okay. Maybe I'm just making this all up just to talk to her, but at the same time I'm also willing to do the NC.

From what I can tell, it's over. (It always amazes me how people create all sorts of new meanings for words, to hope the inevitable doesn't happen?)

Go with total NC. No phone, texting, PMing, in-person stuff.

I agree with them. NC is the way to go. Breaks *are* confusing, but moreover, the people on our side of the break will always inevitably take any little sign as false hope. Like friend4u said, if it's meant to be she'll come back. Sticking around now will do no good for either your relationship or your own emotional health.

Girls are tender creatures. They don't like to cause any kind of grief or have anyone mad at them. She is glad you want to do the conversation thing because that takes the onus off her that she wants to break up with you. Now, she thinks, you two are "friends" and she will be able to sleep at night because you won't be mad at her for breaking up. Meanwhile, mentally, she has already moved on in relationships -- maybe has a new boyfriend possibility in mind, or maybe has been asked out and wants to give him a chance.

Do you want to twist in the wind and just be her "friend"? (No, there's no hope of recapturing your previous relationship.)

I understand you guys points.
I realized this too.. NC is the only option, but what she said about the contact thing is what keeps me bothered. Would she just say that in order to make it an easier break-up?
I like to believe that she is speaking honestly, but at this moment I can't think clearly...

I think the point is that even if she is speaking honestly, you can't just give it a second try after 10 days. At least in my experience, you're going to go in circles, and only after drawing it out for months (it was four, for me), will you finally end up right back here.

And you're totally right about the not being able to think clearly. I look back now and I see that I took every little thing that happened, and didn't happen, as hope.

More importantly, you are both too close to the situation right now to have any idea what is going on. You're going to have a lot of time, later in life. Live your life for yourself, and give yourself *a lot* of time away from her. If there's really a meant-to-be, keeping in contact and keeping her in your mind now will just guarantee that you two will have no chance in the future.

Thanks. That made a lot of sense for me. I agree that it will just be a perpetual motion, resulting in exactly the same thing... sigh...

I guess there's no magical cure in my case... It's going to be extremely tough to forget her...

Yeah =). Tell me about it...

I guess we can always come here, when we're panicking and hurt. For me, it's been trying to remember that there's a big world out there and lots of things I want to do for myself. I think living for ourselves naturally lends itself to having successful relations with everyone in our lives. But I don't know... It's hard.. =).

I think that starting right now you need to give each other 30 days. Don't have any contact with her at all during those thirty days. This gives each of you the time and space to reevaluate the relationship which at this point is vital because of the consistant fighting between you. 30 days may seem like forever but it really isn't. If she contacts you during that time then that is good but keep it to 10 minutes max. Don't talk about your relationship and don't bring up the past. Smile and be pleasent. Make up an excuse to end the call within 10 minutes. You are going to let things go at her pace, when she wants to call or see you. This NC for 30 days is very powerful. There is still the chance that she will insist on a break up and move on but at this point what do you have to lose?

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Originally Posted by Janmarie

Don't have any contact with her at all during those thirty days. If she contacts you during that time then that is good but keep it to 10 minutes max.This NC for 30 days is very powerful.

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Where's the NC if he talks with her for ten minutes every time she calls??

You can't have it both ways. You must be female. You are on her side, not his. (Read my earlier post to see why I said this.)

I am female, my picture and name should clarify that. No I am not on her side but because I am female I am giving advice that works. She initiated the break up for what ever reason so her mind at this point is completely set on not being with him. Tho she is toying with his emotions by agreeing to a break. He seems to want to continue a relationship with her, in his mind she is special enough to pursue. That being said at this point he needs to approach it in a different way if he wants to win her back for good. This works both ways if the situation was reversed. 30 days of him not contacting her but yet allowing her to come back to him easily and effortlessly. By keeping the FIRST contact with her to only 10 minutes there isn't enough time to bring up the relationship or the past and it doesn't leave any room for arguements. This allows her to feel safe in contacting him again. The following contacts can be longer if he chooses but in this whole process he is creating a better relationship with her IF that is what he wants. Which I feel that is what he wants.

This relationship was lacking communication. Communication is very important. This is why the two of you kept fighting and fighting over small things.

Breaks are usually permanent. I can't see myself being in a relationship with someone and then I tell them "I need a 10 day break". This isn't a job.

You need to stop contacting her and when she reaching out to you don't answer. Why do you have to please her and be there for her when she wants you to?

Time to start healing and not begging or living on false hope.

Life goes on and I wouldn't sit around waiting for someone to decide if they want to be with me or not. There is more fish in the sea.

Go out and have fun because she is doing the same. One thing about life is that you live and you learn. And you learn something from every relationship.

Next time don't agrue because it takes two to agrue. You can't even talk when your agruing and bad things can be said in the heat of the moment. You have to just walk away and revisit whatever the fight was about when the two of you are calm and able to talk things out in a mature,civil matter.

There are great opinions here. Some say that the hope is gone and move on which in my opinion is great advice if he feels this way deep within himself. Time will only tell and yes during this time it is vital to continue to live a full life on his own. But again there is always a way to create a better situation and environment for a successful relationship to rekindle. The choice is up to him and what he feels and if he is willing to make the necessary changes in his own self. Ive said this before many times, just as we are responsible for our own situations and we ourselves create what we are experiencing in this very moment. We CANNOT blame anyone but ourselves for the relationships and lives that we have.

I may be a bit more advanced in this knowledge then some can understand but I have devoted a good part of my life in understanding relationships, human nature, laws of attraction, a great interest in quantum physics and so much more to help myself become the master of my own life that I can share this knowledge with the world. It isn't something new, it didn't just now exist. It has nothing to do with religion or anything else. These are basic principles that have been around since time began.

What I am sharing about this particular situation is that if he BELIEVES that this woman is worth having in his life and he comes to that conclussion after he has re evaluated the situation then he can take the necessary steps to improving the situation. I have done this myself in saving my own relationship and I have helped others as well.

The relationship will never be what it was before and you don't want it to be...it was doomed and led to a break up. You are creating something better then what you had.

If you think she is worth it then there is always possibility but it starts with you.

No matter what he decides that is best for him. It is going to take work and a willingness to change. Whether it is to forget and move on or create a better relationship. Because #1-Change is evident if he does move on because he will continue to experience the same situation with a new person. #2- Change is evident if he chooses to create a better relationship with this current girl. It is not a matter of taking anyones side both parties will need to change and it starts with one. Since he is the one asking for help he will have to make the change first. If he believes in the relationship.

Punture, feel free to email me. I know that a lot of this can't really be explained in a few sentences. What ever you decide change is evident.

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Originally Posted by Janmarie

I am female, my picture and name should clarify that. No I am not on her side but because I am female I am giving advice that works. She initiated the break up for what ever reason so her mind at this point is completely set on not being with him. Tho she is toying with his emotions by agreeing to a break. He seems to want to continue a relationship with her, in his mind she is special enough to pursue. That being said at this point he needs to approach it in a different way if he wants to win her back for good. This works both ways if the situation was reversed. 30 days of him not contacting her but yet allowing her to come back to him easily and effortlessly. By keeping the FIRST contact with her to only 10 minutes there isn't enough time to bring up the relationship or the past and it doesn't leave any room for arguements. This allows her to feel safe in contacting him again. The following contacts can be longer if he chooses but in this whole process he is creating a better relationship with her IF that is what he wants. Which I feel that is what he wants.

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You are telling him to give her permission to put him on an emotional rollercoaster ride just so she can feel "safe"?? Yes, you are on her side and yes, you are telling him to let her toy with his emotions.

The only right response to him is that he do NC 100%.

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Originally Posted by Janmarie

if he BELIEVES that this woman is worth having in his life

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But the overwhelming evidence is that she is not.

Its not up for debate, the choices are his. He is asking for help so he is the one I am directing this too. If it were her I would tell her the same thing.

JanMarie I don't know what you mean by saying your bit more advance than most.

It isn't hard to see that communication is lacking was lacking on both ends in this relationship. Which I sure you would agree is a important factor in any relationship.

It is good that you studied human nature, laws of attraction, had a great interest in quantum physic but I didn't take those things up because if anything I know people. I've had my share of experience in life with relationships and I learned a lot from them.

The point is that now the two of them are on a break and most breaks are permanent.

Yes, he might not what to give up and want to do whatever he can to make the relationship work but it takes to people for it to work not one. He can want and want and want but the question really is what does she want.

Also, since the two of them are on a break they are free to do whatever they want includes dating other people.

I just think he shouldn't sit around waiting and living on false hope that the two of will get back together because as you know nothing in life is guarantee. So he needs to try not to let this get him down.

Also, it is best for him to keep posting his responses on here instead of personaly emailing you because I believe that is against the sites rules.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Janmarie

Its not up for debate, the choices are his. He is asking for help so he is the one I am directing this too. If it were her I would tell her the same thing.

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Yes, it is his choice to decide whether if he is going sit around awaiting her to decide if she wants to be with him. Personally, I wouldn't sit around waiting for no one to decide if they want to be with me or not. I will make the decision easier for them by leaving.

However, it isn't his decision to whether they get back together. Basically she has the say so because he is waiting for her to decide.