I married my wife 4 months ago. We get along almost perfectly in just about every way. The problem is that she still sees her old boyfriend ( he lives next door to us ). We started all being close friends and we still are and we were all together with each other several times so there is a real familiarity there.

I figured it out right after we got married when she said she was going over there to get something and when she came home 30 minutes later I could smell sex on her breath and face. I was afraid too say anything as I was unsure if I was right and couldn't really believe it for some reason.

After the third time I confronted her about it and at first she tried to lie about it but then she told me the truth, that she had been doing that for him just about every day but she wouldn't let him in her pants because that was just for me because I am her husband.

She said that I was just going to have to deal with it and that I just shouldn't think about it too much and that it wasn't really that big of a deal and that I shouldn't mess up our relationship over this.

We love each other very much and this is the best relationship I have ever had by a lot except for her obsession with him. She told me that when she is around him she just can't help it and she is just compelled to do that for him because she has very intense feelings for him.

It is all just so strange to me that things can be so good and at the same time be so weird. I just don't know how to handle my mind with this. I try not to be jealous but I have to travel out of town all the time and she goes over there every day and he comes to our apartment even when I am home.

I just don't know what is the best thing to do. Let time go by and hope they get over it or risk ruining our relationship with an ultimatum.

Wow... I respect the fact that you are married to her and love her. However, she is giving oral pleasure to another man. And I wouldn't count on her not giving herself to him in other ways either. One thing usually leads to another.

Do you not think you are worth having her all to yourself? Sure we may fantasize and look at other people when we are married, but to act on it and have feelings of "obsession" is waaay out of line. But you accept it? I don't understand why. Maybe you should ask yourself that.

Your jealousy and insecurity is valid and it may turn to disgust soon. I'm surprised you are still attracted to her knowing she's satisfying another man and probably thinking about him all the time.

You need to re-evalulate your relationship and maybe go to counseling for yourself and work on your self-esteem. You deserve better. This is not normal. At least in my mind, its not right and she is taking full advantage of your love and trust.

Why did she marry you if she still has these intense feeling for her ex? What is she using you for?

She is a liar and a cheat and this is the best relationship you have ever had?Than you have had a very horrible history that is repeating itself.

This is not a marriage and in my world this is not love.

I think an ultimatum is the only way to go.It should go like this
"When we married,I did not expect to share you with your ex,make a choice".End of story!

No one can be so desperate or so in love as to allow this type of blatant abuse.

If you believe for one minute she has a moral compass that will prevent her from having actual intercourse,you are in denial.

Get out now as your entire marriage is based on a lie.

I am absolutely floored.

The part that floors me is that you wife after being caught is refusing to end the affair.

Marriage is a commitment of body and soul and she is violating you and her commitment to you with such disregard that you are going to have to make a choice.

Accepting this behavior, is not an option, it will lead to further behaviors with this party whether she is claiming she would take it to those levels or not. Your option is to leave this woman, it takes two people to have a committed and happy relationship and right now you are in a marriage of one.

Leave, this situation is not going to improve.

If someone truly loves you, they would not cheat on you... ever, doesn't matter if it's oral, anal, or farm animals. But this marriage is only four months old. The sad truth here is that your marriage will never be the same even if she stops seeing him, which based on your comments does not seem like it will happen anytime soon. You MUST give her the ultimatum and make her choose, him or you. By accepting her excuse about it not being a big deal you are in a way accepting it and you shouldn't have to. She may seem like the best thing that has ever happened to you... but the truth is that she is a liar and a cheat. I can almost guarantee that if you stay together this will happen again. Good luck.

A marriage is the sole domain of two people. Not three.

She has decided to define your marriage to her, to include another man.

I would be inclined to end the marriage. Not usually something I would suggest, but you really need to see this affair going on, is not likely to stop, and she has broken a sacred vow.

She has made it clear what her intentions are. It is not a marriage when she decided to include a partner on the side.

If it were me, I'd pack all her belongings, toss them at the boyfriends house, change the locks, cancel the bank accounts, get a lawyer, and tack his business card on the b/f's door.

You cannot compromise a marriage! I have been married 33 years, and I can assure you, if my husband did what your wife did, he'd not only be gone, he'd be singing soprano.

This is NOT a marriage.

Serve her with divorce papers. That'll either change her tune or give you her answer. Don't put up with being a doormat.

Cause I promise you, if you were getting it from YOUR ex, she wouldn't put up with it.

Edited to add: oh... and punch HIM in the face a few times.

I have to agree with the others
You are living a lie if you believe you have a great relationship when she has straight out told you that this is something you have to live with and she hid this from you until AFTER you were married and AFTER YOU HAD to confront her with it. How do you know that she is not lying about not doing anything else with him? You can't trust her so she very likely could be lying about that.

You feel like you have a perfect relationship except for this because she is getting her way having the both of you.
See how perfect the relationship is when you give her an ultimatium.
You need to tell her that you are through because you aren't sloppy seconds and you do not want sloppy seconds.
If you put your foot down she will likely lie and tell you she won't see him any more but only because she is desperate to keep things the way they are.

Quote:

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She has decided to define your marriage to her, to include another man.

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Jake, I would slightly rephrase this to read - SHE HAS DECIDED TO DEFILE YOUR MARRIAGE TO HER, TO INLCUDE ANOTHER MAN.

How can you kiss her knowing that she's had another man's come in her mouth?

You know that this is unacceptable and that you are being used. What makes you think that if she's like this after 4 months she'll be any better after 4 years?

Ask yourself, is this the sort of person you want to be the mother of your children? Her behavior is morally bankrupt and a complete violation of your marriage vows.

To be perfectly honest, I'm aghast.

Risk ruining your marriage with an ultimatum? Mate, your marriage is already ruined, you may as well hand over your gonads and a bloody jackhammer.

I would advocate running for the hills and not looking back in this case, but if your preference is to stay then man up.

Tell her you've had enough and will tolerate this no longer.
Tell her it's you or him.
Tell him that he is no longer welcome in your home and that she will not be visiting him any more.
Tell then both that you will not compromise.

Obviously you do not see this as an open marriage. But by the way your wife behaves, I'm afraid she does not share your views. She feels that the marriage is open on her end and she can do as she please. Really its up to you to let her know how you feel and that you don't want to share her with anyone else.

Let her go... remain friends if you want to, but if this is not your idea of a marriage, end it.

Neither of you should be married... you because you say this is the best relationship you have had, but it is to a woman who has spent each day of your 4 month marriage with someone else and you don't know what to do about... and her because, through her own admission, is obessed with this guy and sees him every day while married to you.

End it now. Cut your losses. Move on... but be sure you learn how to respect yourself first before you get involved with anyone else.

Offer an ultimatum if you wish, But she will just carry on behind your back, like she did before.

Your only real option here is to divorce her, She quite clearly Doesn't care about you, and therefore doesn't love you.

In my opinion women who plan to cheat like this who claim to love their husbands, instead do not love the man but instead love the familiarity, comfort and lifestyle the husband provides. If she truly loved you she would not do this. And she would not continue to see a man she has confessed to having "intense feelings" towards.

She cheated with him behind your back and after you found out she continues to do it. And sex is sex, oral or vaginal, and she is probably giving him both.
Even if she isn't having vaginal sex with him right now, once she sees you have come to accept her giving him oral she will.

She won't end it with him so you must end it with her. Or else remain a doormat in a situation you are supposed to be equals.

Wow!! I can't believe your even asking what to do. In 4 months She has lied, cheated and possibly exposed you to an STD and has told you to your face live with it. Sounds like the perfect girl. If she is not willing to change during the honeymoon what makes you think she will changed down the line. You do need help, but the first step should be to remove yourself from this persons life. I don't mean to sound harsh man, but you need to get out of there.

Here's what you do tell her since it is no big deal then it won't be a problem for you to sit and watch or have her video it for you.
Then when she refuses tell her that that proves it must be a problem after all.
If she agrees and you watch it then maybe the reality of what she is doing will actually sink in and you will come to terms with the fact that you should leave her.