Before I ask my question, let me tell you a little about me. I am 32, a single father of 2 children (10 yr boy, 5 yr daughter) with full custody. This question does not concern their mother, but the woman I met 3 years after that breakup.

Okay, now on to the question...

I met this woman about 8 months ago (August 08). She was the “one”, I knew it from the start. She is also a single parent with 2 boys (2 yr and 5 yr). We had a wonderful relationship, the best I ever had. It was affectionate, passionate, exciting, everything you could ask for. She constantly told me I was the greatest man she ever met and wanted to spend the rest of her life with me. How I changed her life and she was completely in love with me.

In November tragedy hit. She received a phone call from her ex and he dropped a bomb: he had herpes. We both got tested and it was positive. I had caught it from her. It was hard news, but knowing we were together eased it greatly.

Time passed and in February we began planning a trip to Jamaica. For some reason things started to seem strained between us. Not as affectionate or passionate. Anyway, April came and we went to Jamaica on my birthday for a week. It was incredible. On the way home at the airport we got in our first argument over something stupid. No big deal.

Six days later she ended our relationship. She said things like “we're not right for each”, “I need to find myself”, “our personalties don't match”, “I may have commitment issues”, etc. I tried to talk sense into her and told her I loved her and we could work this out. I could help. She just kept saying, “this is for the best, I have to focus on work and my family. Relationships and companionship are foreign words to me now.”

I said goodbye and didn't contact her for two weeks. She made no effort to contact me to say anything. Now, mind you, my kids formed an emotional bond with her and my son looked to her as a mother figure in his life. I sent her an email saying I loved her and I just want her to come back. She said the same things as usual and maybe someday we can be friends. Another week passes, and me being a love sick fool, sends her another email saying I understand what she's going through and I want to be there for her as a friend. She says, “I'm glad you understand and I do want to be a part of your life, the kids lives, and vice versa, but I'm going to keep my distance... at least for a little while and I'm sorry I hurt you and for being selfish. I'm not sure now if we're right for each other or not, nobody knows the future, only time will tell.”

She has initiated no contact through this whole ordeal and shot me down many times. Even after saying I'd be there as her friend, still no contact.

Anyone make sense of this? How did her feelings change so drastically in a matter of days? I am in absolute pain and every day is torture. Does she feel the same and if so, why hasn't she made any contact. I've made all the attempts and I have no idea what she is feeling. I feel like a fool. Now I'm alone, with this disease, and feel like I'll never have happiness again.

Maybe she feels guilty about the herpes thing. By the way you say "stuck with this disease" sounds like you blame her and she knows that. You can't blame her because it was your decision to not use protection. She did not know so you can't put the blame on her. Just be glad it wasn't HIV and remember to wrap that stuff up next time.

Too much of a coincidence that it happens right after going on that trip. I agree with "itried" maybe something about that trip spooked her.

Stop wasting your time emailing her. Sorry that your kids formed an attachment with her but there's nothing you can do, definitely don't want to use that to guilt her into coming back.

The common thing I see in a lot of threads since signing up here is that woman have no problem saying they will never leave and then justifying it with a simple "my feelings changed".

The sad part is, people's feelings do change, sometimes without warning. I'm not saying it's an excuse, but you cannot control another person's feelings for you.

Ever heard the phrase "You can lead a horse to water, but you can't make it drink?" Relationships are just like that. You can give someone all of your love, but you can't make them accept it, or even give something in return.

The fact that you developed such a connection in less than a year, especially at the age you are, and given your family situation, also makes me wonder if you weren't just willing to settle for someone. Feeling's don't just change overnight, so maybe you were blind to some of the warning signs. I know I was in my last relationship, and I know that doesn't make you feel any better (or maybe it does, I dunno) but right now focus on your kids and yourself and get back to your normal life.

You lived more than thirty years without her, and even if she did rock your world you can still be happy without her. Trust yourself.

~ Tee

Sorry for your loss, it's time to regroup. For whatever reason, feelings changed and she didn't want to continue the relationship with you. I know it sucks man, but you have to be strong, for yourself and your kids. Read the stickies at the top of the forum and also maybe look into some treatment options or counseling about the STD

Lets not make this thread a battle of sexes because 2 posters already pointing out that what your girlfriend did is normal women behavior. Men and women have a change of heart.

It is sad this girl left you after she left you with Herpes. I don't understand how she didn't know if she was getting herself checked out regularly. Maybe she wasn't. She been with you for 8 months and she never had a pap smear done. I wonder if she was cheating on you with her ex because this is the first thought that came to my mind.

I know this hard and extra hard since she left you with you did. The only thing you can do is heal yourself emotionally. Your daughters don't need to see daddy down in the slums. Spend time with them and get rid of anything that reminds you of her. Be honest with your kids regarding her because I know they got attached to her.

Also, there is life after herpes and I sorry you got this. They have support groups out them for you to help you cope. I suggest you look into this and I wish you the best. Just be upfront about this with anyone you meet in the future.

Accept she has changed her mind, and deal with the break up, by mourning your loss, healing, and rebuilding.

You have kids who need you, and that's something that takes priority now.
Use protection from here on out.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by tbird77

In November tragedy hit. She received a phone call from her ex and he dropped a bomb: he had herpes. We both got tested and it was positive. I had caught it from her. It was hard news, but knowing we were together eased it greatly.

Time passed and in February we began planning a trip to Jamaica. For some reason things started to seem strained between us. Not as affectionate or passionate. Anyway, April came and we went to Jamaica on my birthday for a week. It was incredible. On the way home at the airport we got in our first argument over something stupid. No big deal.

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I'm really wondering what caused the sudden strain between the two of you. Do you really have no idea? Were you angry that she transmitted HSV to you? I just don't understand how planning a trip could cause a strain, I really feel it was something else and that you may suspect what this thing was.

People can harbor the herpes virus for years without showing symptoms. She may never have gotten herself "checked" because she was married. It really isn't her fault. At any rate, it sounds like you should honor her no contact rules. It sounds as if she's finished with this relationship.

I really believe that there are many people out there that we could all be compatible with. I don't believe in "the one". There are lots of decent women out there and you may find yourself in a relationship soon that will be even better than your last one.

Take care...

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Ren6

I'm really wondering what caused the sudden strain between the two of you. Do you really have no idea? Were you angry that she transmitted HSV to you? I just don't understand how planning a trip could cause a strain, I really feel it was something else and that you may suspect what this thing was.

People can harbor the herpes virus for years without showing symptoms. She may never have gotten herself "checked" because she was married. It really isn't her fault. At any rate, it sounds like you should honor her no contact rules. It sounds as if she's finished with this relationship.

I really believe that there are many people out there that we could all be compatible with. I don't believe in "the one". There are lots of decent women out there and you may find yourself in a relationship soon that will be even better than your last one.

Take care...

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I was not angry that she gave it to me. She didn't even know she had it. We found out at the SAME TIME. Several user have said that I should have used protection and I knew what I was getting into, but she didn't know! Like I said, "being together eased it greatly". Not once have I blamed her or made her feel like I do.

I have no idea why things seemed strained. I wish I had that answer. She moved a little farther away, but only like 15 minutes further than where she was before.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by liz28

Lets not make this thread a battle of sexes because 2 posters already pointing out that what your girlfriend did is normal women behavior. Men and women have a change of heart.

It is sad this girl left you after she left you with Herpes. I don't understand how she didn't know if she was getting herself checked out regularly. Maybe she wasn't. She been with you for 8 months and she never had a pap smear done. I wonder if she was cheating on you with her ex because this is the first thought that came to my mind.

I know this hard and extra hard since she left you with you did. The only thing you can do is heal yourself emotionally. Your daughters don't need to see daddy down in the slums. Spend time with them and get rid of anything that reminds you of her. Be honest with your kids regarding her because I know they got attached to her.

Also, there is life after herpes and I sorry you got this. They have support groups out them for you to help you cope. I suggest you look into this and I wish you the best. Just be upfront about this with anyone you meet in the future.

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We started dating at the end of August. She had broken up with her ex in the beginning of June. He called her in November because he had an outbreak and told her to get checked, so we both did. There is no thought in my mind that says she was cheating.

I'm sorry to hear about your situation. I know it's tough, but you're going to have to find a way to accept her decision and move on with your life. You have your hands full with two kids anyway, so you shouldn't have a problem keeping yourself busy.

I know you may feel that she's the one for you, but in order for someone to be the one for you, that person has the feel the same way. She doesn't feel the same way and I know it's tough to accept, but with time, you will move on from it.

Stop trying to contact her, or else you will prolong your pain and won't be able to begin the healing process.

Sorry to hear about the herpes, and also the sudden abandonment,as well as the confusion caused between the children and emotional ties.

I have read the whole thread here and I can't help feeling that the phone call she received from her ex had maybe suddenly brought up feelings she had for him when they were together, maybe the sudden contact sparked something off in her that she just couldn't let go of, plus the feeling guilty factor,feeling bad for the fact that she contracted herpes and passed it onto you as well and for not knowing about it.

It's a possibility, because there wasn't really much of a break between breaking up with her ex in June and meeting you in the August.

Im not saying she didn't feel the same way as you or wanted to be with you at the time you were together, but it all seemed to have gone downhill from that initital phone call,plus if she felt as strong as she did for you,or thought she did,then no matter what herpes, whatever difficulties,then you would stick together and get through it. It just seems to odd in my opinion that things changed from the day of the phonecall really to going on holiday together and then a sudden change of mind coming home.

This to me sounds as though she had old feelings emerge and felt just as confused herself to how she was feeling.so that's why she has no really given you an explanation to why she has gone,as she doesn't really know herself what's going on.

I'm not suggesting either that she has gone back to her ex,nor has cheated on you, I don't feel it's that, she's just so confused and doesn't really know what she wants.

I think it's best just to sit back on this one and let her get on with it,as painful as it is for you, there's no point at all in chasing somebody despite how painful it is, because at the end of the day,if they really don't want to be with you,for whatever reason,then it'sjust giving out false hope really.

I wish you all the best and you will get through it!

Wow... she didn't take a lot of space between her last relationship and you. Also, you were only together eight months... eight months is not a very long time at all. I think she was reeling after her break-up and you were the "rebound" relationship. I'm sorry that you ended up with an STD. Are you taking Valtrex, or another anti-viral? Taking an anti-viral can help prevent the spread of HSV. Have you had an outbreak? Trust me, you'll find others who will love you for who you are, herpes or no herpes. I wish you the best.

I got a little insight today after bumping into her cousin at the store. She mentioned that my ex had felt that we may be too different to stay together. She felt this way before our trip and wanted to see how that went. (which went great except for that argument at the end, see original post)

She said I'm too uptight, neat and orderly and she is too easy going, messy and chaotic. The problem being is she never approached me about it to see if we could correct it or meet somewhere in the middle. Compromise for our love and our relationship. Instead I was walking on eggshells and didn't even know it. I would have been willing to talk about it and rectify the situation, because I love her.

Now I really want to contact her and ask her about it, but I know I have to refrain from contact. I keep waiting to hear from her because even her cousin says she really does love me. Is she ignoring me and burying her feelings to force herself to get over me? If she is doing that, won't the feelings someday surface to haunt her? I'm confronting them now so I may get over her soon (don't see that happening... ), so I'm dealing with them up-front I guess.

I'm so confused...

Sounds like she wasn't very good at communicating, something I'm very familiar with. She should have been open with you about her feelings instead of secretly "putting you to the test" and then deciding you weren't right.

You're interested in compromising but apparently she isn't, maybe she isn't worth your time.

She may very well be fighting to get over you while still having feelings for you. Just because she decides you aren't ideal for her doesn't make the feelings vanish.

I don't always agree with the way "NO CONTACT" is used in every single piece of advice around here. If you TRULY think that you can have a useful discussion with her, then go for it. But if you look deep inside yourself, you'll probably realize that calling her isn't going to get anywhere.