Originally Posted by PhaseII
Moved to a new city, low self confidence, few friends but some good friends, new job.
Meet people at new job, start hanging out with group of 4-5 people. Really like this woman. She is fun, attractive, intelligent and dating someone else. Get to be the friend with all the right advise, never pressure, never negative. Occassionally throw in a "Maybe you're looking in the wrong place?" or "Wow, you look great!"
Lose 75 pounds, start running, triathlons, buy new clothes, like myself alot more than before. World looks positive. Still kinda stuck on girl, but not expecting anything
Final Four weekend things get a little out of control, make out on dance floor. Next day, she says doesn't wan to lose friendship. We back off, I'm a little crushed, a week later I am fine. Help her buy a car. Help her through some dating issues.
Months later leave for extended job trip, having good time, positive outlook, get phone call wondering when I return, get more phone calls, start getting hooked on talking with her.
Get back from job trip, within two days we are dating, things are wonderful. Week later she tells me she is going on vacation for three weeks to the mediterranean. Start losing confidence, start worrying. Talk occasionally on phone in absense, I tell her I miss her way too often.
In the mean time I go to doctor to try and identify an impotence problem that plagued me for many years (10) doctor says he can prescribe some drugs I can try.
Gets back from vacation, things seem good, sex questions start when I don't have drugs to try with me and she wonders why I don't ever progress to intercourse.
I take the initiative to tell her what I am struggling with and that it is not her and that I want her, but I am anxious because of my problem.
She tells me to see a specialist. I see a specialist, who indicates that it is most likely psychological as physical problems are not evident. Prescribes a couple other medications for ED just to try and see, backup, whatever.
Anxiety regarding sex grows to new uncharted territories. Relationship starts failing, I am deressed, she is not happy or satistisfied sesxually with her relatively new bf.
Girl suggests a "break" to focus on ourselves. I tell her that a "break" would be bad and we should try and work together. She agrees, albeit unsure. two more weeks progress, she suggests individual counseling, we agree. She schedules a counselor, I do not. She gets mad, I schedule counselor. I see counselor on Friday, Fri night is awkward but loving, sat night she asks me to stay over (we had stopped for a while as part of the continuing agreement) Sat night don't have drugs, anxiety is paramount, lots of intimacy, but not intercourse. She gets uncomfortable, I feel worthless. Sunday morning talk and things seem ok, sunday afternoon "taking a break"
This week has been unbearable. We work together and share countless friends. We are trying to be discrete with both. She is happier with the break and peaceful, I am a walking train wreck. Second session with couselor is a mess. Last night, we out with group of friends she drives me home, I tell her I am not doing good, she tells me she is more peaceful and positive.
I have read many posts and replies regarding breaks, and It hurts to hear the advice. As right as it may be. I can't imagine she is dating someone else due to the sexual circumstances of my issues causing most of our immediate problems, but I guess it is a possibility. She says she wants to take a break so we can seek professional help (she is seeing a couselor too) and she is afraid if we don't take this break that our chances of having a real relationship will be forever lost. I see her point and tell her that a break-up would make my recovery better than just pausing. She gets mad at me for not trying what she suggests after she tried what I suggested. She says that if we break-up that we may regret it.
I would hate to think that she is seeing someone else and just wants to keep me in the wing. I would hate to think that in her mind she sees this as a less painful way for me to let go. I don't know where to put my feelings for her while I try and focus on myself. I don't want to feel like crud anymore. I want to be the happy carefree guy I was three months ago, the one that she liked, and the one others will/would like. It's been almost two months of problems after one month of good times, and I can't focus at work, I am not happy at home by myself and I am a zombie with friends.
I know I need to put the relationship behind me, even for it to ever work out, it isn't now. I need to stand back up, dust myself off, hold my head high, seek professional help, but this sucks. Its a screwed up situation where we took 3 months to try and fail on a relationship that was truly a caring and friendly relationship for 2 years. And it seems like most of it is my fault for not dealing with ED for a long time. It just makes me feel even cruddier that I might have ruined a great thing by being a scared/embarrassed/lazy guy for so long.
Not sure if there is a question in there anywhere. I need some atta-boys or head-check or yelling or something. I kinda don't want to post this anymore. But not posting this seems like a huge waste of hunt-n-peck typing.
I don't want to be depressed
I don't want to lose her
I don't want to screw up my next relationship
ARGHHH!!!!!!:mad:
