Ask Me Help Desk - Girlfreind From Hell

Hi everyone.

Ok how and were do I explain my problem.. hmmm

I have a girlfriend who I live with & have 2 children with. I am suspecting that she may need to speak to a professional shrink due to anger and aggression issues I have with her. In our normal day to day lives she can be very loving and caring, only she will turn within a instant into the nastiest C_W under the sun over the smallest things. An example would be as follows: Just imagine I need to speak to her over something that I don't like about the relationship or maybe I have things I would like to be changed in order for us to get on better she just goes nuts! Even pulling her up over the smallest things she goes on the defensive side within seconds. There is no way to calm her or reason with her, and the look on her face followed by aggression is way more than anything I have ever seen from any women in the past. I try to plead with her that we cannot argue in front of the kids but she does not seem to care when the kids are upset and listening to use argue. I try so hard to get on with her to the point I always put myself last. I try to keep the kids as far away from arguments but she is so bad tempered she just flies from room to room being spoiled.

Her reactions is way of the chart, I have to crawl up her backside just to explain my problem & even then its completely ignored. She has the nasty habit of taunting me in all the wrong ways causing me depression and anxiety. She has made me feel self conscience just walking out the front door when other neighbors are about in case they heard are argument. I love her but cannot take any more & I don't want to leave my kids so I am puzzled about what to do next. Today I am 30 & its my birthday, I asked my girlfriend not to ruin my birthday 2 days ago and she still made my day because I queried why she was being so spoiled on a day I was meant to be celebrating. She refuses to split up with me & my life is made HELL by her..

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I love her but cannot take any more & I don't want to leave my kids so I am puzzled about what to do next.

Leave, or let your kids see the arguing, misery and pain. You can still be a good father without her drama, and nonsense.

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She refuses to split up with me & my life is made HELL by her..

She can only do, as she does, and its not totally dependent on her whether you split up or not. Leave.

Happy Birthday. No matter what she does or says, do something nice for yourself today, even if it's just getting your favorite soda, beer, or playing with the kids.

Now the rest, I'm going with Tal. You are only 30 years old. You have at least another 40 to 70 years left on this planet, and there is no woman alive worth wasting those years being depressed with. As far as your kids go, you are not doing them a service by staying with her. She is verbally abusing you in front of them. That is something that can come back to haunt them, as they get older because they will grow up believing that this behavior is normal.

There is no way around this, so I am going to say it straight. This is emotional abuse.

I would suggest that you go to the website, Shrink4Men, and see if your GF's behavior fits the descriptions on the site. Only you can know what her behavior is like and make that assessment. Only you can decide if you want to stay in the relationship and what you're prepared to give up to do so.

Behavior like your GF's is extremely hard to shift. It's a learned pattern from childhood and it can have terrible repercussions for people that live with it. (As you've sadly discovered.)

The first thing that I would say is that you need to take a zero tolerance approach to her behavior. Stop sitting still when she rants or explodes. Leave the room or even the house. Calmly let her know you find her behavior self-interested, self-indulgent and boorish. Tell her enough is enough. Tell her you’re her whipping boy no longer.

Don’t get into an argument. This isn’t an opportunity for her to prove she’s right. Walk away from that if you have to. She’s had her turn to speak many times in the past. Don’t be argued into submission.

This WILL be incredibly hard, because she's so used to you crawling up her backside and pleading with her to stop, I suspect she'll devise many ways to 'punish' you.

However, remember that in relationships we often get what we are prepared to accept. And if you accept this abusive behavior any longer that is what you will continue to get.

Remember also that relationships should really inspire you. They should make you feel better about yourself and feel closer to your partner. If they don’t; if you try to make it work and they still bring you down, then you should probably move on. She may refuse to split up with you, but you can move out of the house and away from her.

As much as you love her and as much as you want this to work, it won't.

You can't make someone do anything. You can only control what you do and my advice is to leave and get a formal custody order so you can still parent your children.

She is abusive and needs help, but that would mean that she accepts the fact she is the one with the problem, and I don't see that happening, so couples counseling is out of the question. You could go yourself, though, to help you through this.

Thanks for the help. You have all been very helpful. Great forum;)