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I realize sex isn't everything, but after 8 months of no sex, my husband refuses to ask his doctor about it. He has no interest in making love, his sex drive was below par to begin with. I did not mind that but now nothing! Could it be his blood pressure med? Anyone have this problem out there or am I alone?
It is probably more common than one would expect, especially with blood pressure problems.
Essential questions to help you:
Was there ever a time in which you had adequate sex with him? Was there any event in your marriage or n his life before you that you think turned him off? What is his general energy level? What is his reason for refusing to talk with his doc? What does he say he wants sex-wise? Nothing? Something? How long have you been married? What weight changes did you both experience since getting married? Health status changes? Do you play together, tease each other, make each other laugh? Do you flirt with each other? What have you tried to turn him on? What have you told him about your needs, feelings, and stance regarding your sex life? Finally, what do you instinctively want to do to resolve this issue?
He had a heart attack, and everything went downhill from there. We have both gained weight in being with each other for over 13 years, Mine weight gain is do to thyroid problem that is having a hard time straightening out. His weight gain is do to quitting smoking. Energy what's that? He sits in front of the computer and does very little of anything. He has no hobbies, no interest in anything, or me for that matter. He doesn't talk to anyone. If he can get away with one syllable words he does. Sorry about the soap box.
When he is due for his next appointment, there is something you can try that worked for me.
I was worried about a health issue of my husband's, his cholesterol. I was sure that it was out of control.
When he had his general physical booked for his employer (they have to go once a year), I called ahead and spoke with the Doctor. I told him about my concerns, and that he probably wouldn't address them. I wanted him to have 'the work's'.
He came home that day and said he couldn't believe how thourough this years checkup was. On my next visit, I asked about the results, and was told everything was normal. I could not have ever in a million years got him to ask for the tests.
You might try something like that, or visiting the doctor yourself with your concerns about him. If it has something to do with his heart attack, there could be something symptomatic about what he is experiencing now, and the doctor should know about it.
It may be something as simple as a checkup and a few questions to get him going on the right track.
Good luck.
Many things can cause low sex drive and ED. Blood pressure is one, but seeing as he had a heart attack, I would suggest he has Fear. Fear that he may have another heart attack if he has sex, fear that he can't last having sex. Fear he may not be able to have sex at all.
Plus, medicine can cause ED and low sex drive.
Go with him to the doctor. Ask the doctor For him. Then, you will know.
Absolutely, BB!
Fear is one of the two biggest mood killers, the other is Depression, and they can so easily go hand in hand in a situation like this.
My advice: Make his next appointment for him, and mention these issues to the Dr's office so the Doc can bring them up. This is not going behind your husband's back, the Dr. really needs to know about this.
Please don't feel sorry for the soap box. This is why we are here.Quote:
Originally Posted by AuntSwee
From your words, I get the impression that he has given up. If that is right, it's bigger than sex with you; it's about his view on life. You're describing a person who has fallen back to a default position, a smaller circle of interest and influence. He has given up on life in all it's splendor, and is just biding his time, waiting to die.
I'm just conjecturing, but he might have come face to face with his mortality with the heart attack and perhaps did not do well with it. Your hubby could be very scared, unable to admit it, and fearful that it will all come out in therapy. It could be that simple.
If you want to be the catalyst for him regaining his well-being, then be open with him. This is the time to really love him, but not fawn over him. Inform him that you need to talk through this state of affairs. If he's not ready to talk with a pro, you have to respect his position. But you can see a therapist to take care of your own issues (whatever suits you within yourself, whatever you want to explore and resolve). Seeing you develop by having a good therapeutic experience he might get curious.
Thanks for all the answers. It is really hard to talk with some one who does not talk about anything. Most times I feel like I am talking to a wall,(I would get more response out of a wall). The standard answer I get for anything is nothings wrong and to quit worrying.
It may be bothering him and is his way of dealing with it by igoring the problem all together... not the best way of dealing with things because as others have mentioned... it can be one symptom of other issues that aren't being treated. It could be a side effect of the blood pressure meds... there is more than one kind with different side effects... perhaps that's all it will take? But like others have said already... the first step is to make sure his physician knows... they don't teach mind reading in medical school.
So what about the suggestion that you go by yourself to therapy?Quote:
Originally Posted by AuntSwee
My husband and I went without sex for a year. I tried everything.. I asked him to talk to his doctor as well.Not only was his sex drive affected but also his erection. My husband suffers from arthritis at a early age of 38.He was also overweight, a smoker. He refused to talk to the doctor about his sex drive. I filed for divorce, he moved out. Then when it came close to the court date he wanted to discuss his options. He finally talked to the doctor which gave him some pills . Which still did not work always. What did work was he started to work out at the gym 4 days a week. I went on a diet and lost 35 pounds. I now get sex at least twice a week. More if I want it. :)Quote:
Originally Posted by AuntSwee
I've written over and over here that ED can be as "simple" as a med problem, or as complex as a dozen "little" things summed...
the OP'ers position could really be both... big problems and little problems, all wrapped up with an ugly bow.
floridawomans post is an absolute testimony to the things I say over and over. So glad she posted.
so... what could the problem be? Blood pressure issues hurt. Other vascular issues, such as a loss of elasticity in the vessels that can occur with age, hurts. Meds can hurt. Lack of exercise hurt. Mental blocks hurt. Anxiety and stress. Smoking. Drugs. Hormone imbalances. Indifference. And on and on and on...
some of the most powerful things a person can do to try to reduce ED issues are:
exercise and get fit (which commonly reduces or eliminates many "diseases" or "conditions" and the side effects that often come with meds)
get your "head right"... exercise helps here, as most people feel more confident with better self image (not to mention the boost of endorphins) but counseling has been shown to be effective for men with ED.
know your body and any issues. Meaning talk to a med provider who deals with ED issues... not the provider who is juggling the snotty nose one moment, the kid with hives the next, and then the guy with ED... see a specialist who can explain all of the things that can contribute to this and who will systematically work through the problems that can cause this.
what if this is nothing more than a major hormone imbalance? It happens. How would he know unless the doctor checks?
if your husband honestly knew how many different things can contribute to this... and looked at it rationally... hed see this wasn't about saying "sorry... your plumbing is broken"...
if you told him a company was struggling because it had too much debt, lost its brand identity, needed to produce a better quality product, and lacked innovation... hed say "ok... makes sense... lets tackle these issues"...
so why is it so hard when we are talking about our own bodies? We get in our own way and choose to neglect rational thought that is backed by scientific research.
moving on... I've said over and over a man should get into his lovers mind before he gets into her pants... and I don't mean that crudely. If I take some simple time to help my lover ease her mind into a place of real relaxation, to really be able to be in the moment, her physical response is 10x better than if I hadn't. Foreplay isn't about a checklist of physical "dos"... its about engaging that lovers mind, and allowing her body to take control over her mind. In return, he begins to think more like his lover, understanding her needs and wants. So why would it be different for the man? He is neglecting himself.
he likely has real anxiety about sex and performance, and performance anxiety begets more ED issues. His mind is his most important errogenous zone. Sure... his body can still fail him, but its something that should be at least considered, and there's solid research to back that up.
what I cannot do is find the magic bullet that will make him seek out the help he deserves and needs.
you could seek out an ED specialist, ask for information about ED, specifically any literature that shows your husband all of the things that might need to be addressed... this, I would hope, wouldn't overwhelm him... id hope he would see the real issues that can cause this, and that many of those issues have potential "cures" or ways to minimize their impact.
sorry you are in this place. There is help available. I hope he takes charge of his life. It isn't everything there is to a relationship, but physical intimacy is one of the five pillars of a healthy relationship, and one that many people, including myself, honestly need for balance and contentment.
Thanks for all the answers, I have talked to him and found out what part of his problem is. I have gained too much weight, granted it is do to thyroid problems but he is having problems getting around it. So thank you and maybe once we get my thyroid under control things will be better? Here's for hope. Thanks for listening.
I don't think that is all or even most of his problem... it might be a small part of it. But I'm a guy... 8 months without it? There is more to this than your weight. Hell I'd be climbing the walls after 3 daysQuote:
Originally Posted by AuntSwee
I say this because I have a preference to the skinny girls... BUT with that said. I've dated and slept with my share of lets say Reubanesque women before I was married. I find it hard to see why a husband would cut his wife off like that, when I wouldn't have walked away from a potiential date over it as a single guy who wasn't getting any, not if she had a pleasant personality. He maried you after all, you obviously have an appeal to him beyond the physical.
Mkay... well... I hope he is working as hard as you do at solving this problem. Both sex drive and ED issues have been shown to often be solved or substantially reduced with exercise... meaning HE needs to move his arse.
Am I going to lie and say when my lover cranked her body in tight it wasn't arousing? no. my drive was fine before, but that amped up things. We do all kind of things to "please" our mates... haircuts, colors, shaving, perfume/cologne, nail polish, flattering clothes, lingerie, etc...
So... yeah... you'd probably love him to have abs you could bounce a quarter off, right? Not needed, but an additional mental push I guess.
Fine. All I can say is there are things men can do to amp libido... good sleep, reduce stress, exercise, watch alcohol comsumption, drop drugs and smoking...
AND mentally connect to your partner.
Problems in the bedroom can be just that, but often problems in the bedroom can come from causes outside it. Work stress, financial stress, even just drifting apart some while being busy with everyday life and not taking time to connect.
So.. I'm all for you trying to be fit and healthy, for your own sake. I hope he is willing to jump through some hoops too.
I doubt if this is really the entire issue. It's easier for him to put it all on you, rather than go to a doctor or counselor. I suggest the two of you take some time every day to go for a walk together. Get out of the house, off the computer and get out there! Even if you can only go a couple of blocks. He needs exercise, too! After his heart attack, I'm sure he was given information on diet and exercise.Quote:
Originally Posted by AuntSwee
Also, reserve one night a week as a "date" night. You two need to start seeing this as a romantic relationship... even if you don't go somewhere fancy. Maybe a concert in the park, or an inexpensive restaurant, etc. Counseling would also be nice... hopefully, he would consider it.
Good luck...
I haven't been around for awhile as we have been trying to work things out. It has gotten better, we are spending more time with just the 2 of us. He has been trying to give more positive feed back. So at least now we are talking yippee. Not being flippant. I really mean if I could show how much happier I am I would.:):):)
That's great! Keep it up, Auntie! You and your hubby can join the ranks of happy, wholesome, and healthily horny people who revitalized their marriages by working on themselves, their communications, and the tone of their relationships. Be courageous; be honest; stick with your effort. You'll find that it is worth it.Quote:
Originally Posted by AuntSwee
Tao
Love to get feedback from the OP'er after a time... even better when the feedback is positive.
One way I've personally been able to "keep talking" about sex and intimate needs is to share books with my partner concerning sex, sensual touch, and intimacy... its never seen as a "you are lousy at THIS so read about it on page 123"... its more about new ideas or different perspectives or sometimes just plain knowledge.
For ex, when I read She Comes First: A Thinking Man's Guide to Pleasuring a Woman (Ian Kerner), a book I like so much I should be getting kickback royalties for mentioning it, I learned a few things concerning oral on my lover that tied into some patterns she liked, but I hadn't realized. We both read it, shared ideas, and honestly learned some things that improved our sex life.
Likewise, a few simple books on massage and sensual touch helped me learn some basic massage stroke patterns that make me more able to sensitize her skin, or simply help her relax if sex wasn't on the table.
Reading gary chapman's Five Love Languages helped me understand how much personal comfort I get from intimate touch and words of affirmation, but also led me to know I was often acting through personal touch and acts of service (doing things around the house, tasks, jobs) when she was mostly needed quality time (even if it was just sitting together)... sharing that book led us both to go from a place where we were saying "you arent paying attention to me" to understanding that we were both reaching out... just missing the others efforts...
So... glad you seem to be communicating and making some progress. Hope it keeps up and you both are active in keeping the relationship healthy.
Ill post my verson of a famous quote again...
Sex cannot do the hard work that love demands, and love should not neglect the power of sensual touch.
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