Ask Me Help Desk - Possibly moving out and taking it slower.bad idea? What to do?

Hello all:

I just need a little insight and advice. I'm 20, my boyfriend is 24.
I moved in with my boyfriend 5 months ago, before which we dated face to face for 5 months, before which we talked on the phone for 3 months after meeting online.
*sorry for the backwards explanation hehe*

I am living 6 hours away from my family, and one of the main reasons I moved in with my BF was to pursue our relationship and to not be a long-distance couple, as after a while we couldn't stand being apart.
I really miss my family and friends, but overall I'm coping with it just fine.

Now, after 5 months together and doing just fine, we seem to have hit a wall.
A week ago I went back home to visit my mom, and I spent some time with a friend of mine, who offered to let me move in with her in her apartment for $150 a month, and in all honesty, it excited me. My BF and I were planning on moving back to my home state after he finishes school, and I really would love to move back there and go back to school, so the opportunity to live with my friend was exciting for me. One thing though: not being with my boyfriend and going back to a LDR kind of freaked me out. But I thought it might be a perfect opportunity for me to be an independent girl for a bit and to grow more as a person (I've never really lived on my own, always with the parents or in a dorm).

So I got back and I talked to my boyfriend about it, but somehow I was totally emotional and crying as I talked to him about the possibility of me moving back. I think I feel like I would be giving up on us if I move back, but he was totally supportive as we talked about it, welcoming, even.

Now it's been a few days and we've just been annoying the crap out of each other, driving each other crazy and not really getting along. I've tried to initiate sex a few times and he's not interested. (something we've struggled with before, me initiating sex all the time, but somehow worse now).
It just seems like we're going crazy living under the same roof. (in one room by the way, we live in a room in his grandma's house, It's just getting better and better isn't it! Lol)

So bottom line, I am thinking it might be a much needed change for us, to go back to being individuals in a relationship, with our own lives, rather than living together and each other being our focus. Because it really is our focus, each other, and I know that isn't healthy.

I still want to be with my boyfriend, but I feel that we are both so young that it's a bit crazy for us to be living together like we're married, driving each other crazy and feeling boxed in. We really should be spending more time on improving ourselves as individuals.
The last 5 days have just been really hard, we have been even talking about how we want different things and maybe we should take a break and etc, which are things we have never ever talked about before. I really think that we might just not be ready for the living together scenario and we need more time being apart and living our own lives, with each other being an important part, just not all of it.

Let me know your thoughts and advice!

You moved in together because of the long distance, but it isn't working... and will only get worse.

You skipped the dating part, the being courted part... the fun part... and went straight to the honeymoon and living together.

Your moving in with your friend sounds like a positive step and from the sounds of his reaction, he thinks so too.

You can try maintaining the relationship from the distance, but it will be hard. There's still a lot to learn about each other, so continue the talking.

Sounds like you need to get to know yourself a little better, too, and that is exciting.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Ashriel

Now it's been a few days and we've just been annoying the crap out of each other, driving each other crazy and not really getting along.

This is called the separation and individuation phase. You are already emotionally dividing into two households.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Wondergirl

This is called the separation and individuation phase. You are already emotionally dividing into two households.

Yep. It almost sounds like you want to further break the relationship so you can feel a bit better about breaking up with your boyfriend and moving in with your friend. I'm not sure what your intentions are.

Do what you have to do but don't blame, criticize, hurt, or make matters worse for your boyfriend just to feel better about leaving him. If you want space or want to break up, talk to him. My ex did that to me and it was very selfish on her part, emotionally.

Quote:

Originally Posted by ajGambino

Yep. It almost sounds like you want to further break the relationship so you can feel a bit better about breaking up with your boyfriend and moving in with your friend. I'm not sure what your intentions are.

Do what you have to do but don't blame, criticize, hurt, or make matters worse for your boyfriend just to feel better about leaving him. If you want space or want to break up, talk to him. My ex did that to me and it was very selfish on her part, emotionally.

Maybe I wasn't being clear. I have absolutely no intention of breaking up with my boyfriend, I truly believe he's the man I'm going to marry. I simply want to make this relationship the best it can be, and looking back I realize we probably moved way too fast, and it's time to take a few steps back. I still want to move forward with him, but much more slowly.

I mean, I'm 20 years old and he's 24. We're not ready for marriage. And yet we're living like we're married. We really need to slow down.

We've had a rough couple days, because of a lot of different factors, but I haven't been trying to further break it or anything. I haven't been trying to make it "2 households". We've just been irritated with each other. Not even fighting or yelling or anything.

I'm not leaving him. I'm just moving out so we can take it slower. I 100% want to stay with him and be his girlfriend. I have every intention of making our relationship work as a long distance one. We did it before, we can do it again.

Thanks for your responses, guys. :-)

Survivor07, thanks for your positivity. I am very excited for the opportunity to get to know me a bit better and grow as a person.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Ashriel

... somehow I was totally emotional and crying as I talked to him about the possibility of me moving back. I think I feel like I would be giving up on us if I move back!

Ashriel,

You are doing a wise thing by taking it slower and moving in with your friend for a while. The distance can make your relationship with your boyfriend stronger over time. It will be tested again, and you get to know yourself, him, and another dimension of relating. All goodness.

Have you revisited the moment when you were crying? Do you understand what was going on in you? Having the backstory going on in your head that you would be giving up provided a reason for feeling bad, so that's useful to know. You probably also know that it is not true, but some part of you was thinking that. A little reflection, and you get to free yourself from that story and all the grief that comes with it.

You can get some insight about these stories from Byron Katie's work. Take a look at:

Amazon.com: byron katie

It's great stuff for any relationship, especially your relationship with yourself.

Meanwhile, you might ask what else is going on in the back of your brain. If, during this time when you are that much more independent, you figure yourself out that much better, you might be able to circumvent some bumps that you would hit when you do get married or live with him long-term again. Those bumps appear for everyone, so knowing yourself at depth proves useful.

Tao
~~~~~~~
To find a person who will love you for no reason, and to shower that person with reasons, that is the ultimate happiness. -Robert Brault (1938- )

Quote:

Originally Posted by taoplr

Ashriel,
You are doing a wise thing by taking it slower and moving in with your friend for a while. The distance can make your relationship with your boyfriend stronger over time. It will be tested again, and you get to know yourself, him, and another dimension of relating. All goodness.

Thank you Taoplr for the awesome reply, it's nice to hear someone thinks it's a positive thing for us to take this step.
What a coincidence that you mentioned Byron Katie! I just rented a book of hers from the library not even two weeks ago, and I find it to be fascinating and really cleansing. So much of the things we believe are just absolute nonsense.
Thanks again for an enlightening, encouraging response!

Quote:

Originally Posted by Ashriel

Thank you Taoplr for the awesome reply, it's nice to hear someone thinks it's a positive thing for us to take this step.
What a coincidence that you mentioned Byron Katie!! I just rented a book of hers from the library not even two weeks ago, and I find it to be fascinating and really cleansing. So much of the things we believe are just absolute nonsense.
Thanks again for an enlightening, encouraging response!

My pleasure. I also recommend Eckhart Tolle's new book, A New Earth,

Amazon.com: tolle

And A General Theory of Love

Amazon.com: A General Theory of Love: Thomas Lewis, Fari Amini, Richard Lannon: Books

Tao

I think you should move out just for a little while or until things get pretty serious between you guys. Maybe just rent an apartment near by or something.

Quote:

Ashriel;1738298, Hello all:

I just need a little insight and advice. I'm 20, my boyfriend is 24.
I moved in with my boyfriend 5 months ago, before which we dated face to face for 5 months, before which we talked on the phone for 3 months after meeting online.
*sorry for the backwards explanation hehe*

By my math you've known each other for over a year. Living together after about 8 months.

Quote:

I am living 6 hours away from my family, and one of the main reasons I moved in with my BF was to pursue our relationship and to not be a long-distance couple, as after a while we couldn't stand being apart.
I really miss my family and friends, but overall I'm coping with it just fine.

Thats so normal, as young lovers always FEEL that way. The only question I have at this point is what were you doing on your own at this time, I suspect you were in school, and preparing your future, and having fun with friends. Thats the impression I get from the rest of your post.*

Basically you stepped off your path for the relationship.

Quote:

Now, after 5 months together and doing just fine, we seem to have hit a wall.
A week ago I went back home to visit my mom, and I spent some time with a friend of mine, who offered to let me move in with her in her apartment for $150 a month, and in all honesty, it excited me. My BF and I were planning on moving back to my home state after he finishes school, and I really would love to move back there and go back to school, so the opportunity to live with my friend was exciting for me. One thing though: not being with my boyfriend and going back to a LDR kind of freaked me out. But I thought it might be a perfect opportunity for me to be an independent girl for a bit and to grow more as a person (i've never really lived on my own, always with the parents or in a dorm).*

Another question, How long does he have before he is finished school ?

Quote:

So I got back and I talked to my boyfriend about it, but somehow I was totally emotional and crying as I talked to him about the possibility of me moving back. I think I feel like I would be giving up on us if I move back, but he was totally supportive as we talked about it, welcoming, even.

Sounds like your living with a very good fellow.

Quote:

Now it's been a few days and we've just been annoying the crap out of each other, driving each other crazy and not really getting along. I've tried to initiate sex a few times and he's not interested. (something we've struggled with before, me initiating sex all the time, but somehow worse now).
It just seems like we're going crazy living under the same roof. (in one room by the way, we live in a room in his grandma's house, It's just getting better and better isn't it! Lol)

This should have been revealed at the beginning, your living together under someone else's roof, and yes, that adds a lot of stress. Had I known that, I would have advised you not to move in together until you can be independent, and self reliant. I can see where the opportunity to get out of this situation is very attractive to you.

Quote:

So bottom line, I am thinking it might be a much needed change for us, to go back to being individuals in a relationship, with our own lives, rather than living together and each other being our focus. Because it really is our focus, each other, and I know that isn't healthy.

It works for you anyway, because he SEEMS to agree and supports you in this. I just think the bottom line as I see it was the decision to move in together, UNDER SOMEONE ELSE'S ROOF. AN EMOTIONAL DECISION HE WENT ALONG WITH. You thinking this is how to " pursue our relationship", it was not! You gave up a lot of options and opportunities in that pursuit, so now your solution, is to put the relationship on hold basically, and do what you should have done in the first place, Take the risk of the relationship being strong enough to survive time, and distance.

Again, how long before he can join you!!!

Quote:

I still want to be with my boyfriend, but I feel that we are both so young that it's a bit crazy for us to be living together like we're married, driving each other crazy and feeling boxed in. We really should be spending more time on improving ourselves as individuals.

I think you wanting to change the relationship to go back to what you were doing, is the main stress point here, along with your living arrangements. Even though you keep saying we, the truth is closer to " I feel", as I think your b/f even though he hasn't said anything is comfortable with the way things are, but wont stand in your way. His conflict I think is with you leaving him, and thats a very real possibility in his mind. You need to know that. Betcha he ain't as agreeable as you think.

Quote:

The last 5 days have just been really hard, we have been even talking about how we want different things and maybe we should take a break and etc, which are things we have never ever talked about before.

That should have been discussed before getting together in my opinion, but better late than never.

Quote:

I really think that we might just not be ready for the living together scenario and we need more time being apart and living our own lives, with each other being an important part, just not all of it.

This is one of the conclusions couples come to when things don't work out as well as they thought. Your early fears of losing him have of course led you to stop what you were doing to be with him, but you want something else for yourself than what you have now. So now its decision time.

Leave and take the risk of losing each other. Stay and take the chance of missing yourself.

Long Distance Relationship Advice | The Frisky

Surviving a Long-Distance Relationship

Hope this gives you some insight to help your decision, and answer my questions.

Just between me, and you, your mind is already made up!

https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relati...dy-290456.html

https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/adult-...ip-242261.html

Your whole story, just for clarity. I was really amused by the advice you got back then.

Talaniman:

Here are the answers to your questions:

Quote:

Originally Posted by talaniman

The only question I have at this point is what were you doing on your own at this time, I suspect you were in school, and preparing your future, and having fun with friends. Thats the impression I get from the rest of your post.*[/B]

At the time, when I made the decision that I wanted to move in with my BF, I hadn't been in school for about 6 months, and I was working at random jobs, not really doing much of anything. I was going crazy living under my parent's roof at the time, and nothing seemed better then to escape all that AND get to live with this man I love.
I guess I really felt like I wasn't on the path I wanted to be on at that time anyway, so I thought why not?

Quote:

Originally Posted by talaniman

Another question, How long does he have before he is finished school ?[/B]

My BF has 7 months before he's done with school. He'll graduate in December.

Quote:

Originally Posted by talaniman

Sounds like your living with a very good fellow.

I am living with the BEST fellow. He truly is a very compassionate, loving, and understanding man. Which is why I do NOT want to mess things up.

Quote:

Originally Posted by talaniman

This should have been revealed at the beginning, your living together under someone else's roof, and yes, that adds a lot of stress. Had I known that, I would have advised you not to move in together until you can be independent, and self reliant. I can see where the opportunity to get out of this situation is very attractive to you.

As far as living in his grandma's house, let me tell you, it's a lot worse than just "living in grandma's house." My BF's father (who is bi polar), step mother, and various children are all living here too. Total of 12-13 people in this one little house. I knew it would be crazy before I moved in, but I wish I had really thought about this situation. It's just not easy. We basically stay in our room when we're home.

Quote:

Originally Posted by talaniman

AN EMOTIONAL DECISION HE WENT ALONG WITH. You thinking this is how to" pursue our relationship", it was not! You gave up a lot of options and opportunities in that pursuit, so now your solution, is to put the relationship on hold basically, and do what you should have done in the first place, Take the risk of the relationship being strong enough to survive time, and distance.

I totally agree and know that this was not the way to go about it. Just in those first 6 months, the desire to be with that person is absolutely unstoppable. I didn't have enough self-control to stay 6 hours away from him all the time.
That is exactly my solution, to take that risk.

Quote:

Originally Posted by talaniman

Again, how long before he can join you!!!

About 7-8 months.

Honestly, I know he's not 100% for this idea, and he's said he'll miss me like crazy, but he said he would be OK. He was actually the one encouraging ME, when I told him about the idea of me moving back to MN, saying it wouldn't be me abandoning him, that it is exciting, etc.
Now as the days progress the stress has ebbed away and we're doing awesome again. Yesterday was a very hard day though, probably the hardest we've had.
I just really want to do what's right, and what will be the best for us in the long run.
I think my mind is 75% made up, and it's getting there.

Thanks Talaniman for your insights!

Quote:

Originally Posted by talaniman

Your whole story, just for clarity. I was really amused by the advice you got back then.

Lol.
Talaniman, you definitely gave out some great advice back then. Talk about starry-eyed young lovers huh. I was pretty obstinate that life would be PERFECT for us. :-)
Oh geez. Look at us now :-)

Get your education, and a career path, and put an end to those random jobs.

His house is crowded enough.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Ashriel

As far as living in his grandma's house, let me tell you, it's a lot worse than just "living in grandma's house." My BF's father (who is bi polar), step mother, and various children are all living here too. Total of 12-13 people in this one little house.

Good goddamighty! You are SO fortunate to have somewhere to go to get away from this. If he can join you in seven months, it's a no-brainer.