Ask Me Help Desk - How do I get through the mixed signals

Hi,

This is a tricky one really and I'm at the point where I don't have a clue what is gong on. I met this guy a little while ago and knew immediately that there was an attraction (on both sides I believe). Unfortunately I wasn't ready to jump into anything as I'd left a long term relationship and was emotionally insecure having just relocated to another country, with a non existent social network/support so was very careful about starting on the wrong foot and to be honest I was a little out of practice in terms of picking up the relevant signals... I was very cautious. Saying this I continued to get to know the guy and we'd be in touch everyday, often late at night via texting - just small talk, joking etc. He'd call me out of the blue to check I okay and was very sweet. However I started to panic (big time)! I panicked so much that I told him (after a few months) that I didn't have feelings for him i.e. that I wasn't attracted to him (stupid I know! ). He seemed pretty sad about it but time passed and eventually I told him that I was feeling vulnerable and pretty messed up from my previous relationship. I admitted my feelings. He did not express his. I explained that I really wanted to meet up to discuss it and apologise for any upset/confusion but he wouldn't do it. People who know him say he's shy and he himself has had a heartbreak of his own with someone else so that kind of made it worse. He's been around on and off and I get the impression he likes me from his body language and because he's done favours for me etc but we're not actually cleared the air. I've tried on several occasions to get through to him but he seems to have closed off any feelings for me, which is upsetting and it has now got to a point where he ignores me. At a party recently he was staring at me and when I'd look over he'd look away, he stayed in my line of vision all night but said nothing - I wasn't sure of my footing so I steered clear in case he freaked out at me. Later in the evening he was talking to a mate and pointed straight at me so I assume he was saying something; the friend gave him a shake but he just looked down at the floor. It's all a bit of a mess and I have no idea what he's thinking. He's told me he doesn't hate or dislike me and I should slow down but the next moment he's acting like he hates me... there's much more but it would take too long. I just need an opinion on whether I should move on or figure out a way to make it better between us.

It's not his mixed signals that you should be looking at; it's yours. It seems that you and he are attracted to each other, but you presented him with a complication when you panicked. You lied about your feelings, and that's a big red flag.

Since that moment, he probably has tried to figure you out, and has come up with the conclusion that, while attractive, you are "too much trouble." From your description, he's still healing his heart and getting closer to you is a huge risk.

I suggest that you give him room, do some soul searching about being simple and straight in your romantic life, and make the decision to be the way you truly want to be in a healthy relationship. If he initiates contact, just be real. If he doesn't, just be real then, too.

You basically have sent him the message that you aren't ready for a long-term relationship or even dating because you are not over your last one, so he has backed off, to protect his own heart.

People who know him say he's shy and has had a heartbreak of his own... so I wouldn't be waiting by the phone.

I don't think he "hates" you. He's just knows you don't know what you want and he doesn't want to get hurt.

If you miss him and genuinely feel attracted to him, let him know that you'd like to see him. Is there a show you'd like to see or a place you like to have a lunch? Invite him. No harm done if he says no.

Hi there,
Thanks for the response, you're right of course. I have done a great deal of work on myself since it all kicked off because I realised that I had to in order to get to the bottom of the panic. I feel regret and sadness at my behaviour and I'm sure he doesn't trust me at all, which is difficult to put right but it was love at first sight for me. It's a good life lesson for anyone else out there who even thinks about panicking in this way. I hope we do resolve this but as you say I'm not waiting by the phone. Thanks.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Georgie Dawkins

Unfortunately I wasn't ready to jump into anything as I'd left a long term relationship and was emotionally insecure

You are not ready to be in a serious relationship.

First, you panicked because you didn't want him to get close.
Second, you called him and spilled your guts about feelings for him.

Just take it slow buddy. Real slow.

Attraction or not, your not ready for a relationship, and neither is he.

I just don't know if it's recoverable I suppose. I'd like it to be but know he doesn't trust me and not without some justification I realise that but we all make mistakes and it feels as if he's punishing me even after I apologised... at this stage I really think he has a problem to be honest. I kind of cleared my end of things up so was responsible for my own actions, which is all I can be held responsible for in fairness. Any other comments/suggestions?

It was you who gave him mixed signals in the first place, so how is he suppose to know what to believe? Furthermore, how is he suppose to know when you will change your feelings for him again? He's having trust and security issues even before dating you.

In the future, if you feel unsure of something, you're better off not saying anything at all, so that you don't have to face the consequences later.

Either way, Talaniman is right, you guys are so easily confused and sensitive to every little detail, you are not ready for a relationship. Slow it down. If you really like him, keep talking to get to know each other better and not talking about how to get together as a couple.

I hear you but I've apologised and tried to talk about it to reassure him but he won't discuss it. I take on board all the comments but I need a resolution. Despite the false start, I'm current and clear and I want him to understand that I suppose... I know for a fact he's wary about putting himself out there, which I do understand but it would be helpful if he talked to me about it??

He doesn't want to hear what you have to say so leave it alone. It is good you changed your ways but do it for yourself rather than someone else.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Georgie Dawkins

I hear you but I've apologised and tried to talk about it to reassure him but he won't discuss it. I take on board all the comments but I need a resolution. Despite the false start, I'm current and clear and I want him to understand that I suppose...I know for a fact he's wary about putting himself out there, which I do understand but it would be helpful if he talked to me about it??????

You cannot force a discussion, and trying to pull him into one is only going to push him away more. You really need to focus on yourself right now. You said what you needed to say to him, and right now you are so insecure with yourself that you have to have some kind of response.

Newsflash - if he wants something from you, he'll tell you. It sounds like he's also a bit insecure with himself, and he needs to work through that on his own.

Stop trying to change him and worry about yourself.

~ Tee

Quote:

But it would be helpful if he talked to me about it??????

Helpful to whom? He certainly doesn't feel that way.