My husband and I will discuss plans and dreams for our kids and then when I go forward with taking care of details to make it happen, it gets angry at me for taking care of it. He is an attorney, very busy and has not had time to handle all that he'd like to with the kids. He also gets mad if I buy any sports equipment for our son. He claims.. he wanted to be the one to that. But the problem is, it won't get done if I don't do it. My husband procrastinates because he is a tight wad. Also because he is not in tune with the particular sport my son is in. I am a stay at home mother and can pick up the slack where he does not have time. But he hates it that it appears I am providing all the fun for our son. I always make sure our son knows things are from his dad and I both and that he thanks his dad. My husband sometimes, belittles me in front of our son in a smart alick way. He is very controlling over every move I make and every expenditure, even though he makes good money. He has been this way the whole 16 years we have been married. We raised 4 girls and one son and he was this way with all of them. Over the years he has acted paranoid that people are talking about him or he reads into something said and claims they were being rude. I can't get him to go for therapy or take any medication to calm down. What is this condition and what should I do. I often want to leave him.

Hi seashel,

This is all about being in control.

I can understand that only having the one son,he wants to do everything for him, but he takes things to the extreme... you are the mother and it should be jointly shared.

The fact that you are a stay at home mum, gives him more power and control... him being the bread winner etc...

You say you have raised four daughters in exactly the same circumstances, which must have been very difficult... him always wanting the final word.

Probably you have kept the peace and just gone along with it until now, but you must stand up to him, do not allow him to undermind you in this manner, after all you are the mother of his children and an equal partener in a marriage.

My guess is he would not hear of you getting a job... which is eactly what you need to do, if only for a few hours, let him do a bit around the house and you meet a few new people or even go back to studying something new.

I feel he thinks of you as someone beneath himself, him being an attorney.

If this is the case... how dare he.

Having had five children and raised them all, which is really hard going, I feel you need to do something for you, he's achieved his goal, it's time you had your life enhanced.

When he arrives home he obviously still thinks he's at the court and behaves in that manner... remind him firmly that you are his wife and that you need some respect from him...

Stand up and be strong, you also have rights.

Dear Orphan,

Thanks for the advice. I did go back to work for five years to escape some tension and provide Health Insurance. We both decided I should stay home this past Jan. to be around for the two kids we have left at home. But as I suspected, he is getting worse with me being at home. It's like a lack of respect for housewives. You are right about me going back to school. That has been my next goal and idea to keep my sanity and help me feel better about myself. At times I have felt so depressed by all of this that I wanted to die. We have been to three counselors over the last 15 years, and after 2-3 sessions he always wants to quit. Usually the counselor wants to speak to him alone after they get the scoop on our problems. Then suddenly he doesn't want to return. Should that tell me he has no desire to change?

Seashel2001

Quote:

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Originally Posted by 0rphan

Hi seashel,

this is all about being in control.

I can understand that only having the one son,he wants to do everything for him, but he takes things to the extreme...you are the mother and it should be jointly shared.

The fact that you are a stay at home mum, gives him more power and control....him being the bread winner etc...

You say you have raised four daughters in exactly the same circumstances, which must have been very difficult...him always wanting the final word.

Probably you have kept the peace and just gone along with it until now, but you must stand up to him, do not allow him to undermind you in this manner, after all you are the mother of his children and an equal partener in a marriage.

My guess is he would not hear of you getting a job......which is eactly what you need to do, if only for a few hours, let him do a bit around the house and you meet a few new people or even go back to studying something new.

I feel he thinks of you as someone beneath himself, him being an attorney.

If this is the case...how dare he.

Having had five children and raised them all, which is really hard going, i feel you need to do something for you, he's acheived his goal, it's time you had your life enhanced.

When he arrives home he obviously still thinks he's at the court and behaves in that manner.......remind him firmly that you are his wife and that you need some respect from him....

Stand up and be strong, you also have rights.

---

Hi seashel,

It's clear that this problem has been around for many years and has not improved by councilling... probably because he takes the attitude of.. what do they know etc...

The fact that you are feeling very low and went back to work,not only for insurance purposes but more importantly to escape the marital tension, says it all.

I don't think he will change without an abrupt jolt.

Ok, he is the bread winner for his family who currently are unhappy, it seems he is spending too much time at the courts and not enough in the home.

He needs to question himself, asking... could I cut down the hours, is it really necessary that I am here the majority of my time, is the extra money worth what it's costing my family?

The answer is.. no

You should not have to explain where every penny goes... surely his money is yours and the families, obviously if you went out and blew it on extravagances then fair enough, but it's clear you only buy what's necessary.

Why does he insist that you tell your son that his dad bought certain items for him, that's ridiculous, it would be from the both of you.

Again it's all about him being in control.

The fact that he agreed to go to a counciller, tells me that he realises that there is a problem... but does he realise it's of his making?

Basically, he wants you to ask his permission for any decisions that go on regarding the children, also in the household... by all means most couple discuss issues within the home together, eventually resolving the problem,but it seems that it's his way or not at all... you have no voice in the matter in question.

This has to change, if the family as a whole is to survive.
You've tried councilling over 15 years, talking etc...

You now need to take a different approach, is it possible that you could arrange for the children to maybe go to grandma's or another relative over-night?

Go out for the evening, maybe dinner, neautral ground is important.
Have a chat tell him your worries and your fears for the future.. do not be fobbed off.
Explain how you have been feeling etc...
Make sure you give a true picture and not the version you think he'd rather hear... bare in mind your in a restaurant, so things should remain calm.

Depending on his reaction. Ask him what he suggests may help,where do you both go from here and so on.

If he point blank refuses to discuss it, then you need to give him a jolt...

Tell him, if things don't vastly improve then you will consider adivorce... on unreasonable behaviour grounds, meaning that you cannot be expected to live this way any longer.

It's not good for you or the children.
Tell him you don't want this to happen and remind him of the last 15 years, the sessions at the councilling and so on.

If you can keep your nerve, mean what you say, it just might make him realise what exactly has been going on.

Tell him everything... how he underminds you, the fact that he makes you feel worthless,the fact that you've often wanted to leave him, don't hold back...

Unless you voice everything that is upsetting your marriage it will not work, it's ugly head will arise again and again... sort it now once and for all