Okay so, I have been dating this girl for a year and a half now and everything has been going great. In September she left for university and we ended up starting a long distance relationship. Things were fine because I was able to take the train to go visit her so that really wasn't an issue. We saw each other at least every two weeks which is better than most long distance relationships. The day she finally is done her exams and comes home... she decides that she wants to break up. The thing I just don't understand is why. I have gone over it hundreds of times in my head. There were literally no signs at all and this just comes out of nowhere. It's been 3 weeks of no contact so far and its beginning to bother me because I can't sleep at all because I find myself thinking about her all the time. Should I attempt to talk to her for closure or just continue what I've been doing?

You really should try and talk to your, if only for closure. It seems that she found her heart while away from you for that period. I think it is understandable that should happen, but not explaining to you why is the cruncher. Yes, you are owed and explanation in my humble opinion.

Tick

The closure is simple: It's over... it's like the show "The Sopranos." Find a new show man.

Look, I know it is difficult to accept. Always is. Feelings are involved and you had a deep caring for this girl, fine. You create your own closure. When she told you she no longer wants to be in this relatiohship, that is it, done, ditzo, gonner, period.

I am sorry. I don't think you need to talk to her. Feelings change, especially in the midst of the college years. People grow apart. It is just natural. Accept this and respect her decision. Yes, it is hard for you, but it isn't anything you can't handle.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by kctiger

The closure is simple: It's over...it's like the show "The Sopranos." Find a new show man.

Look, I know it is difficult to accept. Always is. Feelings are involved and you had a deep caring for this girl, fine. You create your own closure. When she told you she no longer wants to be in this relatiohship, that is it, done, ditzo, gonner, period.

I am sorry. I don't think you need to talk to her. Feelings change, especially in the midst of the college years. People grow apart. It is just natural. Accept this and respect her decision. Yes, it is hard for you, but it isn't anything you can't handle.

---

Sorry, but don't agree with your opinion. Why does he have to create his own closure? He has no idea why she broke up, at least I think that is the gist of it. After a year and a half, travelling back and forth every two weeks (for I don't know how long), I think he deserves an explanation; I guess she didn't just get up one morning and feel that way, no feeling at all, it had to have been building up while he was going back and forth. Either that or she isn't mature enough to end the relationship properly.

Some supposition at best, sometimes we really have to read between the lines, but at least it helps the OP, rather then saying 'gosh, no you don't need closure', that is entirely immature at best, at and least if he does get a chance to talk to her he can definitely move on with his feelings to maybe a better relationship where talking is an asset.

ms. tickle

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by tickle

Sorry, but dont agree with your opinion. Why does he have to create his own closure? He has no idea why she broke up, at least I think that is the gist of of it. After a year and a half, travelling back and forth every two weeks (for I dont know how long), I think he deserves an explanation; I guess she didnt just get up one morning and feel that way, no feeling at all, it had to have been building up while he was going back and forth. Either that or she isnt mature enough to end the relationship properly.

Some supposition at best, sometimes we really have to read between the lines, but at least it helps the OP, rather then saying 'gosh, no you dont need closure', that is entirely immature at best, at and least if he does get a chance to talk to her he can definitely move on with his feelings to maybe a better relationship where talking is an asset.

ms. tickle

---

Immature is thinking that what you deserve is actually what you get. I assume you have common sense enough to know it doesn't work that way. Closure is an extremely relative term and it has no boundaries except what the actual person seeking it defines it as. I didn't realize you need someone else to explain their feelings to you. This is the real world and this is how MOST breakups work. If she said, "I don't love you anymore" would that have made it any better? I am sorry that the female who did the breaking up didn't give an explanation, but often times, that is how it goes. Most people do not have the backbone to sit there and explain to someone why they are breaking their heart.

My girlfriend of 4 1/2 years broke up with me, and I NEVER got a true explanation for why. Rather than me bothering her constantly and trying to get that explanation, I would have been better served to accept it and better myself. Instead, I kept opening up a wound that clearly wasn't healed.

Calling someone else's opinion is immature, sir. I guess you are an expert in your field though, huh?

Does he deserve an explanation, sure
Does this mean he will get one, no way. Life isn't fair, that's the truth

The relationship ended, she told him it was over. She doesn't have to give him a reason, I've broken up with a few girls without giving a reason. His mistake is thinking that just because he wants an explanation, that he will get one. It's over, accept it because you can't change it and move on. It sucks, yes I know but the truth is, that's life. I don't see the need to rehash feelings by asking her why she did it, when honestly, it is probably better to not know the truth.

You're right, she probably didn't wake up one day and say "it's over" it was probably on her mind for awhile, women are thinkers, not impulse like men(sorry guys, it's been proven) ad the warning signs were there but he had blinders on. In a few months, he will start to see there were warning signs for months in advance but he chose to ignore them.

Any explanation he would get from her would be more confusing and raise more questions. I think the reason people seek closure, is to make the breaker rethink their decision.

Most of the time the breaker is more satisfied in the decision they made... and the breakee will continue to be confused and not understand why the decision was made.

The best solution is to just let go and except the break-up for what it is.

"I don't love you anymore", or "I think we should see other people" is the only closure one should need to get the message and walk away. It basically sums up why they made their decision. Their feelings changed and they want to see other people.

Sorry for your loss bro! We have all been there. I think you are getting started the right way by going straight to NC. No need to be demoted to being a confused friend who wants more than they will be getting from the other person.

Don't contact her. What's done is done. Nothing will change no matter what she says. Nothing will make you feel better. She just wasn't that into you. That's it. You need to just move on. No need to keep dragging it out.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by kctiger

Immature is thinking that what you deserve is actually what you get. I assume you have common sense enough to know it doesn't work that way. Closure is an extremely relative term and it has no boundaries except what the actual person seeking it defines it as. I didn't realize you need someone else to explain their feelings to you. This is the real world and this is how MOST breakups work. If she said, "I don't love you anymore" would that have made it any better? I am sorry that the female who did the breaking up didn't give an explanation, but often times, that is how it goes. Most people do not have the backbone to sit there and explain to someone why they are breaking their heart.

My girlfriend of 4 1/2 years broke up with me, and I NEVER got a true explanation for why. Rather than me bothering her constantly and trying to get that explanation, I would have been better served to accept it and better myself. Instead, I kept opening up a wound that clearly wasn't healed.

Calling someone else's opinion is immature, sir. I guess you are an expert in your field though, huh?

---

I am not a relationship expert, but a healthcare expert, and you read me wrong if you thought I said your opinion was immature; I saw your opinion as coming from a mature individual,well written and indicating you have been around the block too. I also read you as a little bitter, now I know why.. You think I am immature, I am not, at 66, no don't think so. Been around the block a few times so that's why I think he needs closure. Your are entitled to yours, I am entitled to mine. I know this is the real world, god yes, I know that, over and over.

Yes, I think if she had said 'I don't care for you anymore'. As I see it, that is closure for him.

ms. tickle

The forum seems pretty divided. So instead of giving you advice, I think I'll help you develop some questions and you can find the answer yourself.

1) I agree that you deserve an explanation, but will it change anything if you found out?

2) Obviously her feelings have changed for you, even if she gives you an explanation it won't change her feelings and it might hurt you even more. Maybe it's better if you never knew the reason?

3) Closure isn't just about confronting the other person. It's about feeling peace from within. Do you really think getting an explanation from her will give you peace at heart or raise more questions?

4) There's a reason you've been in no contact all this time. You want to recover from this breakup. I think that you're making progress, but there is a risk that all the progress gets thrown away if you talk to her again. Are you prepared to face those consequences?

5) There's nothing she can say or do that will change the situation that you are in. So have you considered other options for closure?

In my opinion, talking to her can open a can of worms. But I can't speak for everyone. Everyone recovers differently and maybe you are the type of person who rather have that confrontation. Only you can answer that question.

I agree that no explanation is necessary in these circumstances. In fact, it may be a very good thing she did not mention why. It's pretty safe to assume that no explanation will be a good one, eithershe lies tomake you feel better (she could pick one out of thousands we've all commonly heard) or be brutally honest (your probably going to come up in that conversation and it may vert well hurt).

As for being owed an explanation, I don't think so really. It's her life, she need not explain herself to anyone really. It can be viewed as a rude thing to do but most certainly you are not entitled to tell her what to do.

Sorry if this sounds harsh. It is by no means lost on me how hard stuff like this is, but looking for answers and trying to solve puzzlesis a waste of time at this stage and any stage really. Not so important why she left but that she left, what are you going to do about it in terms of moving on that is really important stuff.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by tickle

I am not a relationship expert, but a healthcare expert, and you read me wrong if you thought I said your opinion was immature; I saw your opinion as coming from a mature individual,well written and indicating you have been around the block too. I also read you as a little bitter, now I know why..You think I am immature, I am not, at 66, no dont think so. Been around the block a few times so thats why I think he needs closure. Your are entitled to yours, I am entitled to mine. I know this is the real world, god yes, I know that, over and over.

Yes, I think if she had said 'I dont care for you anymore'. As I see it, that is closure for him.

ms. tickle

---

I understand we are entitled to our opinion, and I believe I may have lacked some tact in response to your earlier response to my post, so for that I apologize. I respect your position and opinion on this board.

For the record I believe the only thing I am "bitter" about is how I handled myself throughout the turbulent break up I had. I am not bitter about what the ex did, or didn't say or do to me. That stuff is what it is. I just think I should and could have handled myself differently. That is why I caution people on this board from making the same silly mistakes I did. Thanks for the debate! As stated before, I know you are a valued member of this board and you have a highly regarded opinion to share as advice to others.

kctiger - You said it perfectly but I got to spead rep around.

ONe of the main reasons for giving advice on these boards is so that people with questions such as these do not end up doing the things most of us have done before. It may sound harsh but the alternative is worse. MAny times I would love to go back and change the way I acted but didn't listen, I should have listened and hope newer members here will.

One time I sent an ex flowers?! Get a life BMI... SERIOUSLY!