Ask Me Help Desk - In a funk

Im in a real FUNK I've been with my boyfriend for 4 years now, both of us have been married and divorced. During and after my divorce I had very bitter and negative views on marriage and proudly voiced them "oh its just a stupid peice of paper" and "why ruin a good thing with marriage" but about six months ago I started getting the typical female itch as I call it for commmitment. And I love him more now than I ever imagined I would. I wish I'd kept my big mouth shut because now he thinks were fine just never being married. Im mortified to bring up the subject because I think that's the mans job to randomly get get down on one knee and just ask me. What the heck can I do to sublty let him know that I want to marry him without ruining the surprise?

I can relate to that. I don't believe in marriage but I want my partner to be a believer.

People can change mind so you may bring the topic back. There's no harm in trying. If you want to push commitment a luck, put that "its the man's job" mentality out. If he's into marriage and into you, there should be no problem.

Just tell him what you told us here

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I love him more now than I ever imagined I would

then see his reaction. Try to say this when you're about to sleep and just turned the lights off. This way he can think and sleep this over, say he still needs to think.

The mans Job? Hey without letting him know how your feeling, you get nothing. We are wonderful, but can't read minds, especially if you have had a change of heart from what you have told him already. Come on, be straight.

I think you should get down on one knee, and pop the question!

You can't expect a person to have the same opinion about something forever. People change. Feelings change. Opinions change.

So let him know that you've changed perspective on marriage. Communication/honest is the key to a successful relationship.

Furthermore, if marriage is a possible direction that you're considering and marriage is nowhere on his radar, then maybe he's not the guy that you want to be with.

Quote:

Originally Posted by candycane07

Im in a real FUNK ive been with my boyfriend for 4 years now, both of us have been married and divorced. During and after my divorce I had very bitter and negative views on marriage and proudly voiced them "oh its just a stupid peice of paper" and "why ruin a good thing with marriage" but about six months ago I started getting the typical female itch as I call it for commmitment. and I love him more now than I ever imagined I would. I wish i'd kept my big mouth shut because now he thinks were fine just never being married. Im mortified to bring up the subject because I think that's the mans job to randomly get get down on one knee and just ask me. what the heck can I do to sublty let him know that i want to marry him without ruining the suprise?

Since you declared yourself so definitively, he is respecting your position; so it is up to you to tell him that your position has changed. But if you want the "surprise" moment to occur:

You could do it in phases by occasional hints: "well, marriage might work for some people"... "well, I can see the merits of a formal commitment and ceremony"... well, I can imagine us getting married one day"..."well, marriage with you would be wonderful."

Or, try leaving a copy or two of Modern Bride Magazine in the bathroom. Talk about how beautiful somebody's wedding was, even one described in People magazine. Sigh heavily and stare into the distance whenever the word "marriage" comes up in any conversation (just kidding with that one). Talk about a marriage that works really well. Ask him to imagine what it would be like if you were married the way you would like to be married.

Or, if you are subtle in such processes, you could mention things like: intimacy, commitment, bonding, deepening, longevity of relationship, growing with another person over a lifetime, and so on. You could get the topic running in his mind without ever saying it directly. For ideas on how to do this, (If you like reading about sophisticated communication techniques) read some of the work of Milton H. Erickson:

BehaveNet® Clinical Capsule™: Milton Erickson

Amazon.com: My Voice Will Go With You: The Teaching Tales of Milton H. Erickson, M.D.: Sidney Rosen: Books

He might take the hint or not. If he doesn't, he might not want to get married again, or like you had said, he might feel "why ruin a good thing?" Then, it's you who has to "get down on one knee—figuratively—and ask.

Well, Candycane07, I'll be a little easier on you because I think I understand where you're coming from, the getting down on one knee romance... but reality is that you do need to talk about it.

I agree with the rest. Men aren't mind readers, neither are we.

I am divorced, too, and never thought I'd want to be married again.

But I have concluded that if I ever live with a man again, I'd want to be married, so I told my boyfriend this, even though in the beginning when discussing people getting married I'd be the first to shout to them "RUN".

I just told him that as time has past and I am settled with myself, that I'd want to be married again someday... way off in the future...

I thought he should know so that if that's something he never would want, then he should tell me.

Bottom line, tell him how you feel. It would probably really make his day to hear that you love him more than you ever imagined you would. Best wishes

Quote:

Or, try leaving a copy or two of Modern Bride Magazine in the bathroom. Talk about how beautiful somebody's wedding was, even one described in People magazine. Sigh heavily and stare into the distance whenever the word "marriage" comes up in any conversation (just kidding with that one).

I love it! It really made me laugh - Modern Bride in the bathroom, heh.. heh...

Anyway, candycane07, I agree with the other posters. Life is about change and we can all change our minds about how we feel. Yes, you went through a horrid divorce and felt bitter. It's like eating a rotten fruit and vowing you'll never eat another one again. Then, you see a gorgeous juicy one and you think, well, I'll try it.

Surely it's the greatest compliment to him that your relationship with him has made you change your mind about marriage? Why don't you go away for a weekend, shag yourselves stupid and talk about it?

I reckon you won't regret it. Life is about change, but it's also about taking risks.