Ask Me Help Desk - When the "L" word is spoken too soon, is it doomed?

I guess I just want some opinions here.

I have only said "I love you" to three men in my whole life, well, besides my father.

It's a pretty big deal when those words are said.

My situation:

My boyfriend and I have been together for a year. We did know each other for two years prior to dating. He asked me out the first year after my divorce and I said no, I wasn't ready. Then a year later he asked me out again. I said yes.

Within three months of dating, he told me he loved me. He led up to it by always saying things like "You have no idea how I feel about you. I love being with you. I love this, that and the other thing....."

We have had a really good year. We're both divorced with our own children and things are going well. Taking things slow, like not talking about living together, etc. Everything has gone at a good pace except those three little words!!

I responded at the time that I had feelings, too, and it was a little awkward for me, but he was cool about it. It was like he felt so relieved that he told me. He wasn't looking for a response, just wanted me to know.

I told him I loved him, too, months later, and I feel it growing more and more, which is a good thing.

Still, it's only been a year and I feel like I still need to know so much more about him.

It just sounds weird to say "I love you so far"... lol

My past has me a little untrustworthy, I guess. A little afraid of love or even wanting to feel it wholly again.

I mean, I love my daughter. That's unconditional love. But having that kind of love for a significant other, in my opinion, takes time and shared experiences, a lot of them.

The questions:

Is there a right time to say I love you?

Am I wrong to believe this is real love?

I believe that you should say "I love you" when you really mean it, and you have enough confidence in the relationship not to expect the other person to say it in return.

There is no 'right' or 'wrong' time to say it - but for many of us it does mean a building of trust, shared experiences and getting to know the other person at a deeper level.

I don't think that it's a word that should be bandied about lightly. Say it only when you truly feel and believe it.

Trust your intuition on this one - if it feels right say it, if it doesn't don't.

It's difficult to tell the difference between love and infatuation whether you knew each other for 10 years or more. You can only measure that love once the 2 of you took the relationship on the next level. Just to be safe, before saying the LOVE word, make sure you both don't have any hang ups.

Quote:

Originally Posted by superk

It's difficult to tell the difference between love and infatuation whether you knew each other for 10 years or more. You can only measure that love once the 2 of you took the relationship on the next level. Just to be safe, before saying the LOVE word, make sure you both don't have any hang ups.

Um, what?

What's vague?

Saying I love you months later of going out isn't too early. As long as she doesn't carry any baggage with her before saying the word, everything should be okay. She wouldn't know if just just feeling infatuated or a real love unless the feeling is mutual and the relationship has taken to the next level.

Yes, Gemini, say it when you truly feel it. I agree and that's what I've done, with the understanding that we still have a lot to learn about each other.

Superk, I know the difference between infatuation and love. Infatuation burns out and love grows, etc. etc.

It's funny you mentioned hang ups. I didn't get it either at first. But if you mean trust issues... well, I think my boyfriend and I both have good reason to have those, but I'm not carrying that into this. He's not my ex; I'm not his.

I just wanted some different opinions from all you wise people. Thanks

Quote:

Originally Posted by c

What's vague?

Saying I love you months later of going out isn't too early. As long as she doesn't carry any baggage with her before saying the word, everything should be okay. She wouldn't know if just just feeling infatuated or a real love unless the feeling is mutual and the relationship has taken to the next level.

Sorry, I didn't 'get' what you were saying.

We all have baggage and hang ups and we do take them into relationships. This is inevitable, and this is why we are often wary of opening up and revealing ourselves, because of our previous experiences.

Survivor, I suspect you may also be wary of being vulnerable. Saying 'I love you' to someone leaves us open and exposed and reveals our heart. It IS what takes the relationship to the next level and that's why it can't be said lightly, or simply in response to another person saying it to you.

Love does grow slowly, beyond the initial lust and infatuation. I think that it is really healthy to love with our eyes open, not closed, to love with our hearts and minds and spirit, not just with our hearts.

Bingo. You got it. Vulnerability.

I worked hard and went through a lot to be independent. So, as this relationship continues, which is what I want, I feel... vulnerable. Interesting.

And you're right. I'm loving with eyes and ears wide open. I'm over analyzing everything too much... because of my baggage and hang ups.

I was just amazed at his being able to open up and tell me this after his bad marriage (cheating wife). I supposed at the time he was just feeling infatuation, but as time has gone on, his actions have backed up his words.

I do think it is a curious topic, though.

I think you just know when the time is right.

I was not ready to fall in love with my now BF of 12 years and so I kidded myself by saying *if I don't verbalize it,somehow I can make it less real*.

I was really just kidding myself because I was afraid if I said it ,then I could be hurt.It was all just a game of self protection.

When you said you feel like saying I love you so far,I had to laugh but it does have truth to it because that is the nature of love.As adults we learn that even true love does not always last.

Are you wrong to believe this is real love? The fact that you ask is concerning because I think if your in love ,there is no doubt.

I have been in a relationship where I loved the person as a friend but was not in love.

It never blossomed as I hoped it would ,which was too bad because he was a nice guy and he was in love.

Everything about the relationship was great but there was no spark.
No feeling of I don't know how I ever lived without you in my life.
No fast heartbeat when he walked in the door.

That all I got! My story may not be yours but I do believe in giving love a chance.

Sometimes people have been so burned it takes a long time for the pain to heal, and only then can one truly love with abandon.

Personally, I say I love you when I feel that I am in love. I gauge love by a few characteristics such as

- Do I enjoy our conversations(I get pretty bored by most people)
- Do I miss them when they are not around?
- Are there sparks when we kiss?
- Is there an ache in my heart when I don't see them for a period?

Those are a few of the things I use to gauge love for me, it's different for a lot of people.

I've only said "I love you" to 3 people in my life. My high school girlfriend(which I'll admit was puppy love), my now ex girlfriend(dated 2 years) and now my fiancé.

Dear Survivor07,

I respect you take Love seriously.
I think the matter here is "honestly how you feel" not "how soon you need to tell".
We need to be honest for ourselves. Otherwise, it will deceive ours and significant other's emotions and futures.

When a man is in love, he takes actions, and can do anything to keep the relationship. If he doesn't, it means his love is not strong enough. I do not trust a man who is holding back. Your man already took actions. Good for you. You have been with him for a year already. You know him by now more than enough. Follow your instinct not for rules. How strongly do you love him? Is your man does anything to make you "doubt" or "concerned"? If he doesn't, why are you holding back from accepting his wonderful love? Are you ready to jump down from the cliff with him? What is your concern?

I think 1 year to say L word is not reasonable.
Here is my case. When I started to date my husband (back then he was my boy friend), he confessed me "I love you" in our 3rd date. I have to tell you that my husband is not expressive or smooth talker type at all. (His business speech is very objective and dry actually.) I have been with him for 5 years in total, and I saw his tears twice so far. Once when he confessed his love to me, and second time when he was in his father's funeral. So, it was a big deal, and he did it in the 3rd date.

I met my husband during my business trip, we chatted in the airplane, found out we lived 120 miles away from each other. We were impressed by our similar professions, liked each other, and exchanged our business card. He asked me to go out with him straight forward at the spot (even without smile seriously). However, it took a month for us to have the first date due to my business trips, we talked over the phone and email for a month, and it helped us to understand each other more before the 1st date. Long in short, in our 3rd date, he told me "I found my love. I am in love with you" with tears. I replied "I think I found the man". We became very emotional, and we felt very close after we expressed our feelings.

I know it was too early to say L word in the 3rd date. However, his action proved me how much he meant it. He drove 120 miles each way to see me every weekend for 2 years since the 3rd date whether it snows or rains. He only missed one weekend due to the heavy snowstorm, and he sent me flowers via UPS to comfort me. We took the trip to Europe together (not for business at this time) to celebrate our 1st anniversary from the 1st date. In the trip, he showed me his favorite places in Europe, and he talked about our future together very freely. Soon after we both changed our jobs to avoid international trips and spend more time together. On the 2nd anniversary from the first date, we got engaged, and he sold his house & moved in. 6 month later we got married.

Here is the truth.
He told me that he fell in love with me in a first sight, but he tried not to scare me, so he told me in the 3rd date. He confessed me he got a speeding ticket once by driving too fast to see me while we were dating. He bought the engagement ring on the 1st anniversary already, he carried it to Europe with him, but I did not look like ready for wedding on the day he planned to proposed me, and he hold it off for another year. (I forgot what it was, but he told me that I looked unhappy for certain food in the restaurant. I really do not remember. ) In our wedding, he vowed he would marry me for another 7 lives. He is so dedicated and loving husband, and he calls me soul mate.

So, my question to you is:
Why are you still holding back to say back I love you even after a year?

Winding200, thank you for sharing your love story. It is very romantic.

I'm not holding back. I've told him how I feel and that it scares me. He understands and just tells me he doesn't want to push and that he isn't going anywhere. I'm quite lucky.

I'm just not in a hurry for marriage-talk. I'm just being very careful and wanted to hear opinions and similar stories. Thank you

Quote:

Originally Posted by Romefalls19

Personally, I say I love you when I feel that I am in love. I gauge love by a few characteristics such as

- Do I enjoy our conversations(I get pretty bored by most people)
- Do I miss them when they are not around?
- Are there sparks when we kiss?
- Is there an ache in my heart when I don't see them for a period of time?

Those are a few of the things I use to gauge love for me, it's different for a lot of people.

I've only said "I love you" to 3 people in my life. My high school girlfriend(which I'll admit was puppy love), my now ex girlfriend(dated 2 years) and now my fiance.

LOL I'm twice your age and have only said it to three men. Of course, my husband was my "puppy love" which turned into a dog fight, but I survived. Just second guessing myself every inch of the way, though, now. I'm annoying myself, really. That's why I came to this board, for different views on love... thanks for your input.

Saying the L word does not mean you have to get married tomorrow. He seems very cool, and give your man a firm feeling that you want him too.

Aha, I got it. You are enjoying the romantic progress little by little. Clever! Enjoy the sweet taste! I am happy for you. Good luck.

Quote:

Originally Posted by artlady

I think you just know when the time is right.

I was not ready to fall in love with my now BF of 12 years and so I kidded myself by saying *if I don't verbalize it,somehow I can make it less real*.

I was really just kidding myself because I was afraid if I said it ,then I could be hurt.It was all just a game of self protection.

When you said you feel like saying I love you so far,I had to laugh but it does have truth to it because that is the nature of love.As adults we learn that even true love does not always last.

Are you wrong to believe this is real love? The fact that you ask is concerning because I think if your in love ,there is no doubt.

I have been in a relationship where I loved the person as a friend but was not in love. Confusing? Yeah .

It never blossomed as I hoped it would ,which was too bad because he was a nice guy and he was in love.

Everything about the relationship was great but there was no spark.
No feeling of I don't know how I ever lived without you in my life.
No fast heartbeat when he walked in the door.

That all I got! My story may not be yours but I do believe in giving love a chance.

Sometimes people have been so burned it takes a long time for the pain to heal, and only then can one truly love with abandon.

I was so wrong on what I said here, I hope you did not pay any attention :)
I reread it and it was BS,
So Sorry:rolleyes:

Wow, winding200's story is really romantic!

Quote:

Originally Posted by artlady

I was so wrong on what I said here, I hope you did not pay any attention :)
I reread it and it was BS,
So Sorry:rolleyes:

What? Makes perfect sense to me. And, no, you don't B.S.

I don't think a relationship is doomed when two people are in love and exchange the "L" words early. I think relationships are doomed when one person says it and the other person doesn't feel the same way.
It seems like you two feel the same way, so I think your love relationship is normal.

My boyfriend and I have been together over a year and we started saying "I love you" within a month of dating. Not a day goes by that we don't exchange those words.

Quote:

Originally Posted by makapuu

I don't think a relationship is doomed when two people are in love and exchange the "L" words early. I think relationships are doomed when one person says it and the other person doesn't feel the same way.
It seems like you two feel the same way, so I think your love relationship is normal.

My boyfriend and I have been together over a year and we started saying "I love you" within a month of dating. Not a day goes by that we don't exchange those words.

Thanks for the response.

Just curious, though. When you say I love you to each other every day ( which I think is great) is there ever a time where you think it's said so much it loses it's meaning?

I'm going all philosophical lately on this subject. Sorry. Thanks for the input.

I've been wondering about the same question. My ex told me that he loved me in the same month that we started dating. Almost exactly two weeks after we had our first date.