Ask Me Help Desk - Can he forgive my jealousy and insecurity after my counselling

A month a go my boyfriend asked me for time out as I was was insecure and jealous of his ex girlfriend, was prone to mood swings and generally acted untrusting towards him. We had been seeing each other 1 year and it has been a long distance relationship during the whole time. I love him sincerely and wholly and he loved me (maybe he still does) but could not handle how irrational I was being. He told me not to contact him while he thought about the relationship.

I was silly as after the call, I tried to call him back (he didn't pick up) I IM'd him, he did not reply, then I sent him an email. He emailed me back the next day asking to give him timeout to think. I managed to hold out 1 day before texting him saying sorry. After that I decided to carry out the no contact rule, but upon the advice of my best friend I sent him an email 5 days later explaining all the reasons for my irrational behaviour. I admiited my jealousy of his ex and my insecurities and looking back now, though I was honest I cringe at that email as it was so needy and pathetic and neurotic.

A week later he sent me an email to say the relationship was over and he saw no future in it, but wanted to stay friends. He asked a few questions about how I was, how my job hunting was going (I have been really stressed at finding a job and that is part of where the insecurity and needy came from) I replied saying I could do friends but that I had started my course of sessions and would contact him when I had finished and was back to the old me. I have basically just started counselling to deal with my issues, jealousy, insecurity, mood swings and anxiety.

It has been 2 weeks since I sent that mail and I have not even been tempted to contact him. I also know he is strong headed and will not contact me till I contact him, so the ball is in my court to initiate the next contact.

I feel I need to sort my head out and then get my life sorted before trying to get him back. To get a job, move into my own place and start living fully before I email back. This is likely to take another 2-4 months but I feel I can't do anything till I have accomplished this and finished my counselling. I know I still need to work at myself after my counselling, and I WILL!

What do you think my chances are at getting him back. As I said he very strong headed but also very sweet and caring. I want to get his trust back slowly with the contact I make. I have already started dealing with my issues and the counselling has opened my eyes to my behaviour and how to deal with it.

Can you add anything else I can do once I get back in contact with him to win him back. Can he really accept that I can change. How can I convince him I will never go back to the person I was (even I hated what I had become). I was not like this previously it all happened as I was stessed over a job, no place of my own and financials.

I feel a fool for letting this happen and not appreciating him and allowing my anxiety to get the better of us :-(

Sorry for the long mail, but better to give a full picture of the situation.

Long distances relationships,just by the very nature of being long distance can be very difficult and its takes more work to make them successful.

Trust is a necessary foundation for any healthy relationship but in a LDR it is crucial to success.

Have you spent time together for any good amount of time in the past or is this more or less an internet romance?

It is impossible to predict what he will say to your contact but know that getting your issues taken care of should always be about you first and foremost.

Not about an anticipated outcome that you wish for that involves another person.Therapy is for your long term benefit.

If he does not want to reconsider ,you will be better prepared in the future for any new relationships that comes your way.

Quote:

Originally Posted by artlady

Long distances relationships,just by the very nature of being long distance can be very difficult and its takes more work to make them successful.

Trust is a necessary foundation for any healthy relationship but in a LDR it is crucial to success.

Have you spent time together for any good amount of time in the past or is this more or less an internet romance?

It is impossible to predict what he will say to your contact but know that getting your issues taken care of should always be about you first and foremost.

Not about an anticipated outcome that you wish for that involves another person.Therapy is for your long term benefit.

If he does not want to reconsider ,you will be better prepared in the future for any new relationships that comes your way.

We spent weekends together once a month and have seen each other on week long holidays too. I know the trust factor and that is my main downfall. Ironically, I trust him whole heartedly but acted the opposite. Your right that I need to concentrate on my counselling and I'm actually enjoying it and discovering things about myself and how to handle myself better :-)

Quote:

Originally Posted by millymee

We spent weekends together once a month and have seen each other on week long holidays too. I know the trust factor and that is my main downfall. Ironically, I trust him whole heartedly but acted the opposite. Your right that I need to concentrate on my counselling and I'm actually enjoying it and discovering things about myself and how to handle myself better :-)

Good for you,than it is a win win situation.No matter what happens with him,you are going to come away from this with the tools that will carry you through life.
I think counseling should be on everyone's list of things to do.I have found it invaluable many times throughout my life.
Continued success and self discovery :)

If you get counseling it is for yourself not him. Counseling betters you and helps you to be a better person. You would be able to face your issues and help you find ways to deal with them.

You can't get him back. The only thing your be doing now is beging and you don't beg no one to be with you.

It is time to accept this is over, let go, move on, learn from it, and work on you.

The thing about you changing and him noticing it is that you can't control that. He has to want to see that you have changed. Continue counseling for you, and not for him. If things work out and you guys get back together that's great, but to be honest I don't see that happening. As a rule most relationships don't work out. That's just fact. You live and learn. Good luck with everything!

I don't think it's a question of when is a good time to contact him anymore. You guys have broken up. If you want to be friends, then it's better for you to continue your counseling and whatever else you need to do to make yourself a stronger person. Contacting will only cause you pain and confusion.

Keep working on yourself. When you feel ready and doubt-free (about whether you should initiate contact), you will know it's a good time to contact him. If you guys were meant to be friends, then he won't have a problem waiting for you to recover.

Keep up the good work!

Quote:

Originally Posted by I wish

I don't think it's a question of when is a good time to contact him anymore. You guys have broken up. If you want to be friends, then it's better for you to continue your counseling and whatever else you need to do to make yourself a stronger person. Contacting will only cause you pain and confusion.

Keep working on yourself. When you feel ready and doubt-free (about whether you should initiate contact), you will know it's a good time to contact him. If you guys were meant to be friends, then he won't have a problem waiting for you to recover.

Keep up the good work!

Yes, the more I think about it, the more I realise that I am still going through the pain of the breakup and allowing that to cloud the other things in my life that I need to be concentrating on. Getting that job, place to live, counselling...

I know that time will be a healer and that if it was meant to be then it will, I am accepting the over of it. I suppose my hanging on was to do with the fact I messed it up. But we live and learn and I know I will never let it happen again. Had it not have happened now, then I would not have gone to counselling to be able to stop myself being like this in the future, so something positive has come out of this negative.

As the saying goes "don't let what you can not do, interfere with what you can do"

I'm going through the same type of situation, but this is not with a boyfriend; it's with my best friend. She asked me not to contact her, that she will call me in a few weeks. I'm horrified that I've destroyed the best friendship in my life. I also am seeing a therapist to try to rid myself of my feelings of being disposable, thrown out. This is the root of my jealousy of her being best friends with others. She's forgiven me so many times and said it was the last time every time. I never dealt with my issues, and I have been unable to get past the loss to focus on myself. I feel I need forgiveness to calm down inside so that I can move forward to deal with this. It's a catch 22 and I am stagnated. Journalling every time I feel 'down' has helped me realize irrational thoughts and behaviors, but the unrelenting question is... Can she forgive me, still love me enough to allow me to close again? I realize what I'm asking, but she's my friend that I go to, have been relying on for so long. I feel so alone.