Ask Me Help Desk - Sex addiction

My partner and I separated recently over an addiction that he has to visiting massage parlors for masturbation. I am finding it very difficult to understand this sort of addiction. Does anybody know why somebody would become addicted to this sort of behaviour? He has never been sexually abused etc and we had a very happy relationship until I discovered his secret.

A therapist once told me a story when I asked a very similar "why" question. It was about a man who's car was badly sideswiped while parked on the street. Upon hearing the awful noise, he ran out and asked the driver from the offending car over and over, "WHY did you hit my car!? Why? Why? Why?" The driver answered, telling the truth, but still the man continued to ask. The therapist asked me if I knew what the man was doing and I said no. "Its a stalling tactic" said the therapist, "designed to buy some time while his head gets around the reality that his car is totalled."

Now with that said, I will take my best guess at "WHY". Interest in "commercial sex" in any form can be from how basic it is - no emotional involvement required -- only money. It is easy sex in that way. So a real girlfriend might present some serious challenges for someone like that and it sounds like you did.

Granted, for those of us who do not have love and sex quite so separated and/or view sex as only an appetite to be satisfied -- it's a stretch to fathom. Its hard to say without more information how impaired he is emotionally or if its even an addiction and so I have been careful in this answer not to make those kind of assumptions. It best belongs in the realm of a trained professional who has properly evaluated the man. It sounds from your other posts that he would sacrifice getting any real help by editing the information the professional receives -- that in itself says it all to me.

I hope this answer helps you in some way. Thanks for posting.

If he had not told you about this massage parlor, then you went and found out for yourself, Or do you have a friend that you had sent in to investigate this? Still now if you had not found out you two would still be happy? What types of signs were given that you found out about his secret?

Hi lukeduke. It's funny that you asked whether we would have still been happy if I had not found out about it and the answer is yes. I found out by accident after a girl approached me. His behaviour never changed at all. He still never admitted it. He admitted to doing it in the past but never admitted doing it while he was with me. After the girl approached me, I found the numbers in his phone and on his phone bill etc, etc... yes I snooped but I found the truth out. He was visiting these places at least three times a week. I don't care what people do when they are not in a relationship but you don't do that when you have a partner

I'm sure you have had time to ponder about things a bit, but have you thought about what valinors said? Maybe a therapist would be best for you. Learn a bit about what might be going on in his world and in your head. Most of the time the problem we see in others are the same problem inside of ourself, we just don't look inside to see it. Anyway, who says he has an addiction or a problem? Maybe he enjoys beautiful women. Does it really matter where he gets his appetite as long as he gets his meals at home? You said that if you didn't find out that you guys would still be happy, right? So, sex at home is still good? Do you feel like you are being cheated on? Has his care or love for you changes? Check on a counselor. You might find out some things about yourself that you didn't know.:)

Quote:

Originally Posted by goldnugget

hi lukeduke. it's funny that you asked whether we would have still been happy if i had not found out about it and the answer is yes. i found out by accident after a girl approached me. his behaviour never changed at all. he still never admitted it. he admitted to doing it in the past but never admitted doing it while he was with me. after the girl approached me, i found the numbers in his phone and on his phone bill etc, etc...yes i snooped but i found the truth out. he was visiting these places at least three times a week. i don't care what people do when they are not in a relationship but you don't do that when you have a partner

Then you might also want to look at how true the reversed statement is:
You don't keep a partner that does that... and lies about it.

Look frankly he is not masturbating he is getting BJ's or whatever they offer and if he ahas not form them he would... the is unfaithful and not clean...
He is not a bad guy your relationship has some issues... you either need to look him down until he comes clean... or just let the relationship go... his bahvior in this relationship would be hard to stop... he is in a habit and you are either turning your eyes to this because you are in denial or not being real with where your relationship stands.. or even both. I love pron and my girl thinks its cheating... I do not think so... but if you share the touch of another that is unfaithful... or you could blow his mind and ask him if you could go along and be a part of this fantasy he is living out