Ask Me Help Desk - How to not lose her?

My girlfriend and I are currently broken up and it was me who broke up with her. In the beginning we spent so much time together and it was complete bliss. Then we started settling down and there was all of a sudden a need for space. This is after six months. She has a lot of grave problems in life and, ultimately, only she can deal with them. The issue was that I saw the problems as shouldn't having anything to with our relationship. So, I pushed and pushed her into giving me attention because I felt I was being neglected. I gave her some space but it wasn't sufficient apparently. I was fed up and broke it up with her. Afterward, I felt so bad because I realized that I should've given her that space that she genuinely did need. Since we live together, the situation is bad for me. I still have feelings for her and want to get back with her. She doesn't want to talk with me much and isn't at the house much either. She doesn't sleep at the house either because there isn't another bed for her to sleep in. I told her that I wanted to get back and that I know how to handle what is going in her life. Her problems are really that bad: skin cancer, an unfinished divorce, nursing school, and maintaining a job. She told me to give her time and that she needs to figure some things out in her life. She also said that she's can't tell me that she's ready to start over. I told her that I would wait for her. So far, I have been doing anything to support her and she has been going to work, hanging with her friends, and staying at their houses. It's only been two days. I have been doing things to improve myself such as running, eating healthy, and finding ways to make more money and keep myself busy. I just want her to come back to a better me who will make her happier. I don't want to lose her and we both still love each other but I'm not sure if she is trying to get over me and expects me to get over her so that we can just be friends. If she's expecting that, I'm moving out. I don't think I can deal with that; I love her too much to just be friends. Will I be able to get her back? Does anyone have any experience similar to this? Any advice?

You moved in together after 6 months. That is way too fast if you ask me. You also have blinders on if you think you have changed so much in the past few days. You both need to be on your own, as individuals, that deal with things TOGETHER cooperatively, IF you get back together. I don't think living together is a decent idea at all. There is NOTHING you can do to bring her back. She has problems that she has to handle. Whether she involves you in her life from here on out, is up to her, not you. I know this is hard, but too much, too fast is always a problem. What you need to realize is that it is NOT your job to make her happy and deal with her problems. You are there for support, if nothing else. Let her work her own issues out.

It's normal to continue to have feelings for someone, but realize that you might not be "right" for each other. I think this is your situation. I agree that you can't just shut off your feelings for her just because she has personal issues. Having feelings for one another doesn't mean that you are meant to be together.

You broke up for a reason. Her situation has not changed. Maybe you feel that you've changed and can adapt better, but you really hurt her by breaking up. The trust is really shaken because she will wonder when's the next time you can't handle her problems and want to give up and break up again. You're going to have to give her space to sort it out.

Wow, I think she might have jump into a relationship too quick especially if she is going through a divorce.

I think the two of you need to decide what to do with the apartment. Who is going move and who is going stay? Plans needs to made because this is no way to live.

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Originally Posted by platio101

... The issue was that I saw the problems as shouldn't having anything to with our relationship. So, I pushed and pushed her into giving me attention because I felt I was being neglected. I gave her some space but it wasn't sufficient apparently. I was fed up and broke it up with her.

You are a pretty self-centered guy. She's dealing with some heavy realities, and you want attention.

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Afterward, I felt so bad because I realized that I should've given her that space that she genuinely did need. Since we live together, the situation is bad for me. I still have feelings for her and want to get back with her. She doesn't want to talk with me much and isn't at the house much either. She doesn't sleep at the house either because there isn't another bed for her to sleep in. I told her that I wanted to get back and that I know how to handle what is going in her life.

Do you? How, then, should she handle what is going on in her life? Is she showing/telling you that she wants your opinion? What reason do you have for believing that you have the maturity and empathy to even understand her life, no less knowing how to handle it?

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Her problems are really that bad: skin cancer, an unfinished divorce, nursing school, and maintaining a job. She told me to give her time and that she needs to figure some things out in her life. She also said that she's can't tell me that she's ready to start over. I told her that I would wait for her. So far, I have been doing anything to support her and she has been going to work, hanging with her friends, and staying at their houses. It's only been two days. I have been doing things to improve myself such as running, eating healthy, and finding ways to make more money and keep myself busy. I just want her to come back to a better me who will make her happier. I don't want to lose her and we both still love each other but I'm not sure if she is trying to get over me and expects me to get over her so that we can just be friends. If she's expecting that, I'm moving out. I don't think I can deal with that; I love her too much to just be friends.

You are not describing love. You want her affection, intimacy, companionship, and attention, so you are "waiting for her." But, it remains to be seem as to whether you are able to love her, and maybe anyone else. Forgive me, please, if this sounds harsh. But I think that you are remarkably unaware of yourself, of her, and of the relationship. Think: you share a household in which she doesn't sleep; she doesn't want to talk with you; she's got tremendous pressure with her cancer, job, and living situation, you broke up with her and changed your mind, but haven't got room for being her friend.

What do you think love is? It's friendship on steroids! If you can't put her needs first some of the time, who is it that you are loving?

And, how, specifically, are you "doing anything to support her?"

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Will I be able to get her back? Does anyone have any experience similar to this? Any advice?

Yes, I've been in your situation. Grow up and make room in yourself for some selflessness. Then, you have a chance to have a fulfilling relationship.

taoplr, you are so right sir!! You're obviously a very well-balanced person who sees and does everything right. That being the case, tell me good sir: How can I be as perfect as you - an overly analytical jerk who spends his time on the internet giving harsh criticisms to be people who are going through tough times? You are apparently good at being sensitive about other people's feelings.
I'll say this: I messed up. Yes, I was being conceited as far asking for her attention. I know that now. She needs space because this a lot to handle. I wasn't seeing that before for some reason unknown to me yet. Also, things have moved pretty fast since this post. We are talking and she is seeing me. I just had the impression that she didn't at first. That's for her solely. I can't solve any of her problems, of course. Nonetheless, I can be here for anything she needs and she knows this cause WE ARE TALKING AGAIN. Friendship on steroids?!!! Sorry to sound harsh, but you hold a naïve disposition in trying to tell me what love is. Everything I had done was for her. All that I wanted was attention, not realizing that she needed space to ease her mind from her problems. That was my mistake, but I learned from it. I'm helping her with money, other problems, and things she needs done and just being all around sensitive about how she is each moment of the day. I'm not asking her for attention or anything like that anymore. If it causes her stress, I don't want that. THAT'S putting herself before me. And yes, it's sometimes hard for a person to be around someone they love and try to act as a friend. Not everyone is as "perfect and experienced" as you sir. I worded that improperly. What I said about loving her too much to be a friend was malworded, BUT whatever.
Judging from your response, I don't think you've been in a similar situation and your insight is pretty much voidable and worthless. Please, please - leave me alone. I don't respect you.

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Originally Posted by platio101

taoplr, you are so right sir!!!! You're obviously a very well-balanced person who sees and does everything right. That being the case, tell me good sir: How can I be as perfect as you - an overly analytical jerk who spends his time on the internet giving harsh criticisms to be people who are going through tough times? You are apparently good at being sensitive about other people's feelings.
I'll say this: I messed up. Yes, I was being conceited as far asking for her attention. I know that now. She needs space because this a lot to handle. I wasn't seeing that before for some reason unknown to me yet. Also, things have moved pretty fast since this post. We are talking and she is seeing me. I just had the impression that she didn't at first. That's for her solely. I can't solve any of her problems, of course. Nonetheless, I can be here for anything she needs and she knows this cause WE ARE TALKING AGAIN. Friendship on steroids?!!! Sorry to sound harsh, but you hold a naive disposition in trying to tell me what love is. Everything I had done was for her. All that I wanted was attention, not realizing that she needed space to ease her mind from her problems. That was my mistake, but I learned from it. I'm helping her with money, other problems, and things she needs done and just being all around sensitive about how she is each moment of the day. I'm not asking her for attention or anything like that anymore. If it causes her stress, I don't want that. THAT'S putting herself before me. And yes, it's sometimes hard for a person to be around someone they love and try to act as a friend. Not everyone is as "perfect and experienced" as you sir. I worded that improperly. What I said about loving her too much to be a friend was malworded, BUT whatever.
Judging from your response, I don't think you've been in a similar situation and your insight is pretty much voidable and worthless. Please, please - leave me alone. I don't respect you.

Okay, first thing, your not going to like my advice, so you can stop reading if you would like.

You are selfish, and it's not something you are going to solve within a couple days or a month. I've been in your position, being selfish that is. And it's an everyday struggle you will fight, you can pretend you're okay with how she gives you attention now, but what about 3 months from now, when you can't take it anymore. I see you as an insecure person, who constantly needs to be reassured of her feelings towards you. She has other things, more important than you, going on in her life and to top it all off you broke up with her. It was a decision that you made, I don't fault you for it, you couldn't handle the lack of attention she was giving you. If you want to help her, be there as a friend only for the time being. Let her sort out her problems, with the help of family and friends, you can say how you aren't adding stress but I can almost guarantee that you are, because she is wondering when you are going to abandon her again. Friends on steroids, I'm amusing that is friends with benefits, which is not a good idea at this time in her life.

Another thing, we come on here to offer our advice, free of charge. Don't blast people on here who are trying to help you by giving advice on the issue you describe. There may be more to the story from your end, or her end that we are not aware of. If you don't want our over analytical responses, then you have two choices, don't take our advice or go and wait until someone comes along and tells you advice that you want to hear, which won't happen on this board as we are all realists.

Your whole post screams of a person who is faced with paying the price of their impulsive behavior, and maybe she is as well.

Its good that the consequences have led you to trying to better yourself, but until you put more thought into what your actions are, you will always be paying the price of being impulsive, and looking for the quick fix, and not the long term solution.

Even your attitude to someone who is trying to help you, at your request, I might add, is but another example of your not thinking things through before you respond.

Had you given it more thought, you would be able to see a bigger picture, and not just what's in front of you that makes you feel good.

You want to keep this female, do it by shutting up and trying to understand she can't always give you what you want. Make the most of your opportunities, to support and be a friend, to this female, she needs it, looking for nothing in return, or you will be very disappointed and hurt, when she doesn't meet your expectations of wanting to be with you as you want her to be.

If your reactions to someone giving you some very good insights based on what you wrote, is any indications of how you deal with things that don't make you fee good, then I think its safe to say, you have a lot of work to do with yourself.

If your doing this to keep her, you will fail. If Your doing it to help, and support a friend you care about, then you will be a better person.

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Originally Posted by platio101

...Judging from your response, I don't think you've been in a similar situation and your insight is pretty much voidable and worthless. Please, please - leave me alone. I don't respect you.

Done. It was not my intention to insult you, but to confront you and ask you questions that would reflect your position back to you. (Well, that didn't work!) I made no claims of perfection. But, it's as you wish. We're done.

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Originally Posted by taoplr

Done. It was not my intention to insult you, but to confront you and ask you questions that would reflect your position back to you. (Well, that didn't work!) I made no claims of perfection. But, it's as you wish. We're done.

You hit a nerve, and he was, as he is, impulsive.:D