My husband and I have only been married 5 months, still in our "newlywed" phase. Shortly after we got married in January, he was send out to Greenwood by the Military. And didn't return until the end of March. But since we're both in the Military I understand this and there was no problem in sight for me, since I trusted him with every bit of me.
Then for some reason something clicked in him this past weekend and he sat me down in tears only to tell me he cheated on me while he was in Greenwood, in February, not even a month after we had gotten married. Then he continues to tell me it was with a woman who is known to have sex with men who are in relationships and married and who also went out to Greenwood. I had continuously warned him about her and made him promise not to be alone with her. Well, aparently she took him back to her room. He said then the only reason he was telling me is because she is pregnant. Made me believe that he had just found out that day. So I asked him to leave for the day, to let myself cool down, since I haven't been able to think straight or stop cryign since. But when I asked him to come back yesterday, after him being away for only one night. And he finally todl me that he has known that she's been pregnant since April 1st. That he has been there for her ultrasounds and checkups because she doesn't want to be alone in this. How do I handle this. What makes things worse is that him and I have been trying to conceive for 8 months. Since I only have a couple more years to have children due to my Endometriosis. We has just gone to get prenatal vits and fertility boosters on Saturday.
I don't understand why this has happened or why he is acting the way he is. Because instead of wanting to be there for me and trying to make me feel like its worth it to work on this (which I do. I love him very much and don't want to loose him, no matter what), he ran off. After he came over to talk yesterday, he said he needs time to figure himself out, that he can't be around me when he can't figure himself out. So he up and left, he said he might be a week, maybe 2, maybe a month. I am all for takign time to figure this situation out and come back level headed, but any more than a week is too much. And on top of that I have a broken ankle,a and can't do anythign myself with crutches. We have 3 dogs, who I can't walk or feed properly, and I can't even get up the stairs in my house by myself. Yet alone drive myself to work, since its my right ankle, with a full leg cast. I don't understand why he is being so selfish, and only thinking about himself. Somehow he turned this around to look like he is the vicktim. And for some reason he believes that he wants to be in the baby's and this woman's life. That he wants to be there for her while she is pregnant. So all along he is forgetting that I excist. But I am his wife, please help me. I am willing to listen to anything. Since he walked out, I can't stop thinking about the mess that is unfolding aoround me.

He is treating you badly, but you already know this. You can't force him to talk to you - but I would sure try. As far as why/what/how happened with the other woman, he is the only one who can control his actions and it is not your fault BUT you must have had some concerns if you "made him promise" not to be alone with the other woman.

After the baby is born, if it is his child, you will live with this situation for at least 18 years. Can you do that or are you willing to do that?

I know you love him and don't want to lose him - but you may already have lost him.

You need to talk to a professional about your feelings and what to do and then decide how to handle things.

Hopefully someone with better advice will come along soon.

Okay the girl led him to her room but why did he put himself in this situation knowing her reputation?

Now he is going with her to doctor appointments and sticking by her side because she doesn't want to be alone? How can he even be for sure that the child she is carrying is his due to her reputation? After the child is born he should get a DNA test before he signs the birth certificate.

I know hearing that he cheated was hard and it was even harder to hear she is pregnant since you were trying to conceive. Hearing that news just stuck the knife deeper.

Your husband was wrong and I must ask " what was his tone and body language like when he broke the news to you?"

Do you have any family or friends near you to lean on for support? Especially since your on crutches? Someone should be there to help you out especially since you have dogs.

I am sorry this happen but I wonder how many times this happen especially with this girl? Clear your head for now and focus on what you want to do. Save or leave the marriage? If you stay marriage counseling is in order and believe me when I say the journey is going be bumpy. Trust is going have to build up on his part but the decision is yours.

Your choices are professional counseling or divorce. What can I say. Get professional help if you intend to make the marriage work

I don't think you deserve this at all! I know it's a life turning decision but you got to be strong, think with your mind, d
O u really want to live with this till the end of your life?
Get some professional help, I think it's the best thing to do now,

You said he only told you about her because she was pregnant? Did I read that right? So what if she wasn't pregnant he would be a cheater and never tell you. Yes, because in his own way he showed he wasn't going to come clean and I think its because he was going to continue these relations with her. Good luck. You can try to save the marriage and go to counseling. But if that baby comes in to this world it will forever be a sign of his affair hanging over your head.

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Originally Posted by liz28

Okay the girl led him to her room but why did he put himself in this situation knowing her reputation?

Now he is going with her to doctor appointments and sticking by her side because she doesn't want to be alone? How can he even be for sure that the child she is carrying is his due to her reputation? After the child is born he should get a DNA test before he signs the birth certificate.

I know hearing that he cheated was hard and it was even harder to hear she is pregnant since you were trying to concieve. Hearing that news just stuck the knife deeper.

Your husband was wrong and I must ask " what was his tone and body language like when he broke the news to you?"

Do you have any family or friends near you to lean on for support? Especially since your on crutches? Someone should be there to help you out especially since you have dogs.

I am sorry this happen but I wonder how many times this happen especially with this girl? Clear your head for now and focus on what you want to do. Save or leave the marriage? If you stay marriage counseling is in order and believe me when I say the journey is going be bumpy. Trust is going have to build up on his part but the decision is yours.

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The thing is that he's taken the ball out of my court. He took telling me he cheated and she's pregnant, and never worried about how I am doing. Just simply up and left to figure this out by himself. Even though I offered him everything he needs to start working in this. I told him I'd put aside my pride and offer to work with him to start working towards what's going to happen tomorrow.
As for the baby, he's sure its hers. After finding out from him that he's been there for her as soon as she found out, and since they were working together in close prozimities, there was no one else. I still want a test done, but he told me that was not my choice and that he believes her. That he doesn't need proof.
I truly do love him, and I am stubbourn enough not to give up, but I am having my doubts. I want to make this marriage work, but if this happened after only 2 weeks of being married, what's going to happen later? And since we are both in the military, we are going to be apart for months on a frequent basis. A part of me says no, and the other says yes.
But since I am in the military, I have now moved across the country and have no family or friends near. I hardly even know anyone here, even though I have lived here since January. I devote my time to him. Make sure I cook him a hot meal every night, make his lunch every morning, make sure he wakes up on time, that the hosue is clean (even with the broken ankle). I catered to him hand and foot, because I love him, and wanted to do these things for him. But thinking about it now... he never did any of those things for me. Or offered to help. But instead would say I'm nagging when I asked him for the 5th time to do the dishes that have been in the sink for 3 days.

Again, he treats you badly. You can leave or you can stay. You cannot make him love you, treat you better or do anything else.

I don't understand - he's sure the baby is HERS? I trust you mean HIS.

I wouldn't be sure of anything until DNA results come in.

And, again, can you live with the situation with the mother and the child for (minimally) the next 18 years?

It's one thing to be stubborn, but you are being foolish, if you ask me.

Flags.
1. He had an affair within a month of being married.
2. He found out she was pregnant and dropped everything to start supporting her in this time of need whilst continuing to be dishonest with you.
3. He confessed his sins only because he was without any alternatives because she was pregnant.
4. You are trying to conceive and are now in a horrible position of him having someone else's child.
5. After confessing, he abandons you in your time of need, so that he can figure out what he wants.
6. He is willing to believe the child is his, without any follow-up proof.
7. You are now feeling clingy, like you did something wrong...

YOUR HUSBAND IS WRONG HERE!!! Stop letting him call the shots, you deserve better! He should be groveling at your feet, not you at his! This 'marriage', if you can call it a marriage considering the circumstances needs to be annulled, if possible. You need to get back on your feet - UP OFF YOUR KNEES.

You deserve better than this, stop making accommodations to be taken advantage of.

I am fully aware of the position I am puttign myself in. I know I'm beign treated as the doormat, and I have during our entire relationship as well. Him havign done this is something I normally consider the end of any elationship or marriage, and I never thought I'd let a man get away with this. But my mother herself has been married 6 times now, and I don't know if I can do that myself. Regardless of what he is doing to me, is there any hope that he might realize what he is doing? He walked out on Monday to find himself and figure this out. It's now Wednesday, only 2 days later.
I also saw my psycologist on Tuesday who tried to help me realize that he may have left because of the reaction I gave him when he confessed on Sunday. That he wasn't expecting to have hurt me to that extend, and might have not wanted to hurt me more while staying in our house. So he left to try and figure things out to lessen the blow. My psyciatrist is a very gifted woman, but that's hard for me to believe. Does anyone see any truth in that?

You husband has left you unable to completely care for yourself, while emotional devistated.

I can understand not wanting to be married six times, but the key to avoiding that would have been all the red flags you apparently had prior to the marriage.

By allowing yourself to be treated like a doormat, you are not improving your marriage and you are only lower your own self-esteem further. This thought process isn't saving your marriage it is ruining your life. You will not end up any more married and happy avoiding a situation that screams 'Divorce'.

You have to do this for you, making excuses for himself and your behavior is human, but not furthering your progress or helping you make the right choice for you!

You are not open to suggestions and/or help as long as you choose to defend your husband.

Your mother's history has nothing to do with you.

I fully understand that this is my life, and I should be doing everythign possible to make myself happy in the end. What if I want to try to fix my marriage first though. Is it a crime to want to see if it actually is possible to change? I fear if Id ont do this now, I will always be wondering "what if". And that's the last thing I want, since I should be moving on at that point.
Does anyone believe that he can actually learn from this? That he might change? Cause I know I can leave whenever I need to. If I do choose to go through with trying to fix things with him, I always know that I don't have to stay.
He's home now by the way. Came home yesterday while I was out with a couple of friends, trying to get some grocery shopping done. I was very surprised to see him. But does it mean he missed me, or missed everythign I did for him and found doing it himself a pain in the ?

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Originally Posted by horsespferde123

What if i want to try to fix my marriage first though. Is it a crime to want to see if it actually is possible to change?

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No, it's not a crime to hope. We all hope the best for ones that we love. It's what you will give up waiting for him to hopefully change that worries me.

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Originally Posted by horsespferde123

Does anyone believe that he can actually learn from this?

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Yes, he will learn that he has a personal doormat. He will lose respect for you and learn to push what you are willing to forgive further the next time.

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Originally Posted by horsespferde123

That he might change?

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No, he will not change for you, he will change only for him. I don't see that happening and it won't change the consequences he will leave for you.

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Originally Posted by horsespferde123

Cause I know I can leave whenever I need to.

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Right now is when you need to end things. All of the 'what if's' will be... what if I had left when he treated me like garbage that first time? What if I had stood up for myself when he first treated the person that he loved and committed himself to like someone without any value or feelings? What if I hadn't given another ten years to him and had left when I first knew that he was selfish, uncaring and he showed me that I didn't matter in this marriage?

Your mistakes are your own. When you look back at this situation in the future and regret staying you will understand what we were all trying to save you from. You deserve someone who respects you, is faithful to you, takes care of you when you need him most. You deserve a relationship built on trust, respect and equality, where you get the same things that you give back to you in return.

Good luck to you, I have a feeling you will need my prayers.

What a pickle you are in.

Just after he married you, he sleeps with another woman, gets her pregnant, lies to you and continues a relationship with her, abandons you, and then eventually come home.

How many marriage vows has he broken? I've lost track.

This is not a marriage, and this is not love.

He has not shown any remorse or insight. Instead of meeting your needs with the broken ankle and what he has done to you emotionally, he chooses to meet his needs first, and takes time for himself, and dumps even the day to day living chores on your shoulders.

Marriage does not come with options. It's not like buying a car where you get a few upgrades on the side.

You can't choose to put your marriage second, and let him carry on with an affair, in the open, attending doctor appointments with the girlfriend because he got her pregnant. He has now added two more people to your marriage that you will have to deal with until the child is an adult.

You have to get serious here, and realize what he has done, what he continues to do, and what he is not doing. You cannot have a marriage when only one partner provides the commitment. Marriage is not some singles game.

I would seriously consider an annulment in my opinion.

He is not good marriage material.

I think you should join a support group because you need strength and maybe getting it from other women that walked in your shoes is best.

A marriage takes two people for it to work not one and at this point it seems like only you are putting your best foot forward.

Now I am all for catering to your man but it works both ways. I gives my fiancé a foot rub but he gives me one to. I cook breakfast sometimes and he makes it sometimes. You can't cater to to someone when they aren't doing the same for you and fulfilling his needs won't make him stay nor keep him from straying.

It is best that you work on yourself. Improve things from within and it starts with loving you. Never love someone more than yourself nor make someone your everything because when they leave you would have nothing.