So. Met this girl early feb. She went to another part of the country for three weeks, and during that time we flirted a lot over the phone. When she came back we basically had one week of just fun and sex before she left for week long vacation. More flirting.

She comes back and everything is pure bliss again. Easter comes and she always goes on holiday to her family cabin, so more flirting and talking on the phone the next ten days. Here is when the problems start. She comes back, but I basically have an exam a week (april 15, April 22, April 30) and she is working everyday. We still spend every day together though, but there's no time for real excitement and fun.

I guess I made the mistake thinking that my work is done, we're a couple now. Last week she said that she hadn't fallen in love with me. In my mind there is no doubt that it's because we fell into a boring (relatonshiplike) routine after easter instead of increasing the excitement and fun another notch.

She did tell me that she basically thought everything about me/us was perfect, except that she wasn't in love. We agreed to take a step back and see if things could work out. I'm in love.

This was a week ago. Since then, I've met her once, we were at the same party, she we both got really drunk, I spent the night at her place, but no sex. Same thing on Saturday, she asked me to spend the night, but said she was on her period and didn't feel like having sex. I declined. When I'm half way home (30 min walk from her) she calls me and basically tells me she wants to have sex. I decline again, it's raining and I've got an exam to study to (had it today, tuesday).

What's my play? It's sooo hard not to smother her with messages, but I guess I just have to give her some space and be a superfun guy when we're together? I have been decently good with it so far, she has initiated most phone calls and text messages, but I've responded quickly every time.

Additional info: We're both 24. I haven't learned from my mistakes I have been in this exact situation before. Haven't had this good of a chemistry before though. She's been in two long relationships and said she fell in love quickly both times. Any chance she still can fall for me, or have I blown it?

Sorry for my mediocre english and the long post, just really needed to get this off my chest, feels better already : )

Your english is fine! ;)

It sounds like you focus a bit too much on the sex/fun/excitement instead of focusing on getting to know each other better. You met her in February 2009?

People fall in love at different speeds, personally I fall in love slowly. Evne though she hasn't fallen in love with you yet... don't worry about that

Also, you've known her for, like less then 4 months, that's nothing in the scheme of things.

So, slow down and don't worry about it.

I do wonder about a few of the things you wrote.

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Originally Posted by moonlander

I guess I made the mistake thinking that my work is done, we're a couple now.

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What does that mean? Your work is done?

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Originally Posted by moonlander

She did tell me that she basically thought everything about me/us was perfect, except that she wasn't in love. We agreed to take a step back and see if things could work out.

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Maybe you need to just take some time to get to know each other better and not worry so much about it. Isn't the point of dating someone to have fun, and enjoy yourself? Maybe you need to not press things, let things come naturally...

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Originally Posted by moonlander

This was a week ago. Since then, I've met her once, we were at the same party, she we both got really drunk, I spent the night at her place, but no sex. Same thing on saturday, she asked me to spend the night, but said she was on her period and didn't feel like having sex. I declined. When I'm half way home (30 min walk from her) she calls me and basically tells me she wants to have sex. I decline again, it's raining and I've got an exam to study to (had it today, tuesday).

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I don't know how other peoples brains work, but If I ask a guy I'm dating if he wants to spend the night, but I have my period so there will be no sex and he declines... well I'd take that as a sign that sex is what he wanted in the first place and of course this is me... other might not have taken it that way... but considering that she called and changed her mind might suggest it... Also the rest of your post does give me the impression that sex is a big deal...

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Originally Posted by moonlander

What's my play? It's sooo hard not to smother her with messages, but I guess I just have to give her some space and be a superfun guy when we're together?

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Well, why not do what ever comes natural to you. See each other when you can/want to etc. and let things come naturally! Why be just some super-fun guy: be yourself! Its you she's getting to know, so just be you!

The fact that you think dating is a "game" might be something to work on. There are no "rules" or "plays." I think you need to ask this girl straight up what she wants, and if it's not what you want then forget about it and move on.

Oh, and your work isn't done once you start dating. That's actually where the real work begins.

Best of luck.

~ Tee

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What does that mean? Your work is done?

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What I mean is that every aspect in life requires continuous work and effort. Nothing in life just happens by itself. I regards to our relationship I guess I forgot to continue to improve and explore our relationship because I had a lot on my mind and was content with my situation.

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Maybe you need to just take some time to get to know each other better and not worry so much about it. Isn't the point of dating someone to have fun, and enjoy yourself? Maybe you need to not press things, let things come naturally...

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Agree. But it's so hard. I find myself wanting to be with her 24/7, and I know that's not what she wants atm. I do feel that writing this stuff can help me coming to terms with the situation and making things easier.

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I don't know how other peoples brains work, but If I ask a guy I'm dating if he wants to spend the night, but I have my period so there will be no sex and he declines... well I'd take that as a sign that sex is what he wanted in the first place and of course this is me... other might not have taken it that way... but considering that she called and changed her mind might suggest it... Also the rest of your post does give me the impression that sex is a big deal...

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The focus on sex comes from the fact that before I met this girl I was on a long dryspell that had taken a beating on my sexual confidence. And I guess in my mind sex is a very strong connection between two people as well, but I guess that is different from person to person.

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Well, why not do what ever comes natural to you. See each other when you can/want to etc. and let things come naturally! Why be just some super-fun guy: be yourself! Its you she's getting to know, so just be you!

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Well, I think I was a super-fun guy before we fell into the aforementioned routine. But yeah, I can't be anything but me of course, and if that's not enough, too bad for her : ) But I'm still going to strive to be the best that I can be. Makes me think of a nice quote from as good as it gets "you make me wanna be a better man".

PS! I have a feeling I'm going to learn A LOT about relationships from this board

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Originally Posted by Triysle

The fact that you think dating is a "game" might be something to work on. There are no "rules" or "plays." I think you need to ask this girl straight up what she wants, and if it's not what you want then forget about it and move on.

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I'm fearful of asking her straight up. These are the future scenarios I imagine:
1. We continue dating and eventually become a couple
2. We continue dating and eventually break up
3. I ask her what she wants. When we had our talk last Sunday she said she didn't know what she wanted to do. This time she might say that we should part our ways. And that effectively rules out option number 1.

UPDATE: Went on a date last night. Had something to eat before we joined up with some friends for a quiz-night (which we won btw) and went back to her place to watch some TV. I left after an hour, and we looked each other in the eyes and kissed a couple of times before I left. Sigh, when I look into those eyes everything is perfect.

Oh, and regarding dating as a game: That is mostly new thoughts that stuck to me after dl'ing and reading a lot a of E-books on various topics in desperation after our talk. To some extent I really think it is a game with rules though. There is definitely dos and don'ts that people should be aware of and trying to do and avoid. EG: Calling and texting her all day after a couple dates is probably going to put her off. Not calling or texting her at all is probably going to do the same.

Sounds like a really fun time your having, and that's fine as you get to know each other. You will have to be patient and look much deeper if you want more though, but what's the hurry. Keep enjoying the getting to know each other, and see what happens. Don't make her your entire life though, as a healthy balance between love, and other areas of your life is essential. It will develop if its more there than just the good time.

What's the hurry?

Have fun getting to know each other, but don't rush things so quickly. Enjoy getting to know her as a person, not just the sex and hooking up part.

I think you guys jumped into the sex part too soon, so you skipped the parts about getting to know each other's personality more (face-to-face, not just on the phone).

Taking a step back from sex is a good idea and spend time going out on dates so that you can "TALK" more. Try to avoid watching TV or going to the movies, cause there's no opportunity to talk. Find things to do together that allows more interaction. Even going window shopping is a good bonding opportunity.

Other ideas, walk around the park, going bowling, playing pool, etc.

Relationships comes with no guarantees. It a gamble but it works if the two people involved wants it to work. And it will work with communication, trust, compromise-just to name a few components. And love takes time.

Your saying your afraid to talk to her about certain issues but you shouldn't your just afraid of her answers. You should never be afraid to open your mouth and talk this would eliminate guessing because your not psychic.

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Originally Posted by talaniman

Sounds like a really fun time your having, and thats fine as you get to know each other. You will have to be patient and look much deeper if you want more though, but whats the hurry. Keep enjoying the getting to know each other, and see what happens. Don't make her your entire life though, as a healthy balance between love, and other areas of your life is essential. It will develop if its more there than just the good time.

Whats the hurry?

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Yeah, I think this is the key, along with the fact that we might have jumped in the sack too soon and not really getting to know her well enough. I'll focus on that and just spending some quality time together the next month. Thank you very much for all the advice, I'll be sure to drop by with some updates : )

UPDATE

We've seen each other about 2/week the last few weeks, and it's been fun.

We had a long talk today, and she said that her feelings haven't changed the last few weeks. She also said that she's been going around thinking that she feel she might be leading me on, so she's in a way been very wary of showing a lot of emotions to me.

The times that she has been in love in her life, she knew very quickly that she were, and she doesn't think that because these feelings have appeared yet, they never will.

I said that OK, it was fun dating you, but I'm not sure we can be friends right now. See you in the fall (didn't say it this harshly though). Oh yeah, we're both going to med school in the fall, only 150 people accepted each year, so we're bound to run into each other.

So now I just move on?

Yes, now you just move on.

I know it is going be hard seeing her in school but believe it or not it is going make you stronger.

I once was dumped by an ex and some how ran into him every time I had class. I just said hi and kept it moving and that was hard for me because every time I saw him I wanted to slap him. But I didn't.

So I know it is going be hard but your going to be a med student so you luckily your studies will keep you busy because I know my nursing major did. It got me through my break-up at the time.

Yes, you just move on.