Ask Me Help Desk - Give up my rights

I would like to know how to give up my rights to my daughter. I have been paying child support with no issues. The mother and I had a falling out and as far as I knew they moved to out of the country and I had no say. She has full custody. I tried many different ways to get in contact with them, only to find brick walls. After that, I moved from one side of the US to the other to start fresh. It's been several years and come to find out that they did not leave the country and now she needs more money. I do not have a problem with that, but I do have a problem with the fact that she is "married" to another man and they have 4 other kids excluding my daughter. I do not want it to seem like it's all about money, but the truth is that if I give her any money, it will not benefit my daughter. My daughter has no clue who I am and refers to the "husband" as her Dad. I do not have a chance to influence this child as she is already set in the ways bestowed to her by her "parents". I do not want to interfere with her life. I do want to help, but fear that the help I am providing is not helping her. I am torn. I've recently married and my wife and I are now expecting. Should I continue to pay for a child that I will never see or focus on the fact that I have one on the way? Should I give up my rights? Please help!

Yes, you should continue to support a child that you will never see because never seeing her is your decision. If you want visitation, bring up the issue in court.

You cannot just give up your rights. You are her parent and legally responsible to her for 18-22 years. You can't just give that up because it suits your needs.

The support you are paying is going to her. How her custodial parent spends the money is that parent's decision.

Edited to add: even if you were allowed to give up your rights, you would not be absolved of owing child support. That only happens if the child is adopted by her step father.

Thank you for your opinion Steve.

After paying support for thirteen years, I don't need reminder. I know I'm responsible for child till 18-22.
Maybe it's me, but you answered me like I'm a bad person for asking this question. Let me fill you in. In a nutshell.
I admit to not being ready for the responsibility, but I also admit to trying like hell to make it work. It didn't work, we split ways. Trying to be friends but not going so well. I'm seeing my daughter weekends and after work for year or two. I get told mothers boyfriend got a job opportunity out of the country and they are moving with him. Just like that, they're gone.
Skip ahead some years of searching for them...
I can't find them and have exhausted all resources. I move completely out of state to get away from the lost sleep and headaches. To start fresh. Yes it was my choice but wasn't able to see my daughter anyhow. If I had stayed, I'd be jobless & homeless.
Skip ahead some years, getting ready for marriage...
They turn up at friends house. I get contact info and make call only to be asked, "What made you come around?" I take high road and say I'm an idiot but am ready to make a mense, just to have contact with daughter. After being told they need money, I send what I had. Just like that, gone again. All contact info was cut. Email's, phone #'s, addresses all changed. My info remained the same.
Skip ahead couple months, expecting child now
Track them down again. Instead of getting "how are you, I was meaning to call you..." I get "We really need more money" and "I need to know how much you make" and my favorite "I don't want you to think that this all about money." After trying to get information on my daughter, come to find out her mother has been married, or together with some guy long enough to have multiple children with him. They have issues with some of the other children. Not sure what they are.
Giving up my rights was never even a thought till I made contact with them. Maybe I should've left well enough alone. I thought if I contacted them, I would feel better. I feel defeated. Like I lost.
I'm a hard working man and love my wife. I can't wait for our new baby to get here. But deep inside I feel like a schmuck for making contact with these people. This little girl, though of my blood, is not mine. The problems that family has, maybe painful, are not mine. I don't have any say on the raising of her and never will. Not by choice, but my name is not on the birth cert & she does not have my last name. I have never had a fair shake from the get go. If I were doing this to suit my own needs, I'd have done this in college. The only thing I can do is to contribute to a system that is broken.
So, if I wanted to relinquish my rights, not saying that I am, how would I do that.

Quote:

Originally Posted by joe_palmetto

Thank you for your opinion Steve.

After paying support for thirteen years, I don't need reminder. I know I'm responsible for child till 18-22.
Maybe it's me, but you answered me like I'm a bad person for asking this question. Let me fill you in. In a nutshell.
I admit to not being ready for the responsibility, but I also admit to trying like hell to make it work. It didn't work, we split ways. Trying to be friends but not going so well. I'm seeing my daughter weekends and after work for year or two. I get told mothers boyfriend got a job opportunity out of the country and they are moving with him. Just like that, they're gone.
Skip ahead some years of searching for them...
I can't find them and have exhausted all resources. I move completely out of state to get away from the lost sleep and headaches. To start fresh. Yes it was my choice but wasn't able to see my daughter anyhow. If I had stayed, I'd be jobless & homeless.
Skip ahead some years, getting ready for marriage...
They turn up at friends house. I get contact info and make call only to be asked, "What made you come around?" I take high road and say I'm an idiot but am ready to make a mense, just to have contact with daughter. After being told they need money, I send what I had. Just like that, gone again. All contact info was cut. Email's, phone #'s, addresses all changed. My info remained the same.
Skip ahead couple months, expecting child now
Track them down again. Instead of getting "how are you, I was meaning to call you..." I get "We really need more money" and "I need to know how much you make" and my favorite "I don't want you to think that this all about money." After trying to get information on my daughter, come to find out her mother has been married, or together with some guy long enough to have multiple children with him. They have issues with some of the other children. Not sure what they are.
Giving up my rights was never even a thought till I made contact with them. Maybe I should've left well enough alone. I thought if I contacted them, I would feel better. I feel defeated. Like I lost.
I'm a hard working man and love my wife. I can't wait for our new baby to get here. But deep inside I feel like a schmuck for making contact with these people. This little girl, though of my blood, is not mine. The problems that family has, maybe painful, are not mine. I don't have any say on the raising of her and never will. Not by choice, but my name is not on the birth cert & she does not have my last name. I have never had a fair shake from the get go. If I were doing this to suit my own needs, I'd have done this in college. The only thing I can do is to contribute to a system that is broken.
So, if I wanted to relinquish my rights, not saying that I am, how would I do that.

You can't relinquish your rights unless the mother has remarried and her husband wishes to adopt. YOU can do nothing. THEY can ask you to in order to clear the way for an adoption.

Have you ever filed action in court? You do realize that their disappearing multiple times could have been prevented, right? That's why I say that your lack of contact is your choice.

And yes, I responded like you are a bad person for asking this question because let me sum up how it reads: "I don't have a relationship with a child that I knowingly fathered so why should I have to support her". We get 5 or 6 posts just like yours every day here and they all get a similar response. Your kid, your paycheck. Sorry bud... that's how it rolls.

Thank you for being consistent and I will continue to do my part. I'm not complaining, just confused. Thanks again.

Quote:

Originally Posted by joe_palmetto

Thank you for being consistent and I will continue to do my part. I'm not complaining, just confused. Thanks again.

Maybe this will help you relieve some of the confusion. While all states have laws about Termination of Parental Rights (TPR), from a practical matter courts are very reluctant to grant such. Generally they will only do so to clear the way for an adoption or to protect the child from the parent. They will never grant a TPR just to let a parent out of paying support. Some states will do a TPR, but still require the parent to pay support.

Now you stated that the mother had full custody. Was this done through a court? Was it full LEGAL and PHYSICAL custody? You claim you have been paying support for 13 years and that before she left you spendt weekends with your child. Was this under a court ordered visitation schedule?

Because if there was a court ordered visitation, then she is guilty of parental kidnapping. If you continued to pay support, someone knew where she was to forward the payments to. My point here is that you could have used this to find her and have the child returned. Even now, with the evidence of her contempt of court for violating the visitation order, you may be able to get custody of the child. You definitely can force visitation.

But the courts are not likely to let you give up your rights and definitely not let you out of support payments.

Nothing has been set by the courts. I believe she has full and physical custody. The time that I spent with her was not court ordered. I should seek partial custody of the child. That would probably be a better path to take than giving up. I live in another state on the opposite end of the country, will that matter? Do I have to file in the state where she resides? How does that work?

Quote:

Originally Posted by joe_palmetto

Nothing has been set by the courts. I believe she has full and physical custody. The time that I spent with her was not court ordered. I should seek partial custody of the child. That would probably be a better path to take than giving up. I live in another state on the opposite end of the country, will that matter? Do I have to file in the state where she resides? How does that work?

If you want joint legal custody and visitation, you should absolutely seek it in court. You will have to travel to her jurisdiction, however. That is most likely where they currently reside.

I guess the next step would be to hire lawyer?

Quote:

Originally Posted by joe_palmetto

I guess the next step would be to hire lawyer?

Definitely. Or at least consult a local legal aid society and get all the facts straight before you decide on how to best proceed.

Quote:

Originally Posted by joe_palmetto

Nothing has been set by the courts. I believe she has full and physical custody.

Nothing? That makes no sense. If support was not court ordered then who have you been paying for 13 years?

Are you on the birth certificate? If so, you have at least joint legal custody unless a court says different!

Quote:

Originally Posted by joe_palmetto

I guess the next step would be to hire lawyer?

Umm that should have been the FIRST step when she disappeared.

Thank you for your help. I'll check back in if I have any more questions.