I have a problem.

I have never really been happy with my partner(s) talking to other guys.

It wasn't that I didn't trust the girl I was with, but I didn't trust the other guys.

In more than one case, I was right not to trust the guy, because he did pull some moves on the girl I was with and caused huge problems, so I thought better safe than sorry.

Sometimes I tell myself "If its going to happen, it will happen, and there is nothing I can do about it", but then I think of the pain I go through if it does happen, and I try to stop it from happening in the first place.

I've even been guilty of stopping my partner(s) from talking to some girls who were their friends, because I thought the friend was a bad influence on her. I know its my place to tell her what to do and who she can be friends with. I know this is severe control, and that's a huge problem I have. Control.

But I want to know what I can do, and if there is anything else wrong with me. If you need examples, please ask, but I think you get the idea of what kind of guy I am. Not a very good boyfriend obviously, so I would like to be better and I'm looking to advice and help to get there.

Thanks

Hey black,

Like you said you trust your partner. That should be more than enough. Trust them that they won't let anything more than friendship happen with them.

Hmmm... that's hard for me to do right now...

See, she has a guy friend, and one night she went out with him when we had a fight, just to get out, and she got pretty drunk and when he dropped her home, he kissed her and she didn't stop him, because she was drunk.

She did tell me about it and was really sorry and stuff, but that did hurt me a lot. I've never trusted guys, but she believes people are good, and maybe she is a little too naïve, so when something bad happens, it comes as such a shock to her, but I saw it coming and tried to prevent it, which she took it as me being controlling

Oh man I know exactly how you feel.

Well the bottom line is that she is with you, not with anyone else. So don't let the trust issues ruin the relationship if you want to preserve the relationship. You got to show her some trust for her to be able to stay in this relationship.

As for when she got drunk and kissed another guy, that was definitely her fault and it is natural to feel how you feel afterwards and if you want to keep the relationship, you have to learn to let that go and don't hold onto that against her.

You might lose her if you continue on this path and you might end up regretting it. Her getting drunk and kissing another guy was her fault and its up to you whether you would want to be with someone like her and be honest to yourself because if she is not the girl you want to be with than end the relationship.

I believe any partner I have is a big girl, and can handle herself. Don't let fear rule over good behavior, but a g/f, that get drunk is something to do something about.

What? That would be up to you. I think that's a case of excess, poor boundaries, and not a good way to solve problems.

She has a problem that may make yours worse. Or you have a problem, that makes hers worse. Either way, you better talk honestly to each other, to solve this problem.

Yah, so its really up to you if you can forgive her because she did cheat on you after all buddy.

Thanks a lot.

You are right, I do need to give her freedom to do what she wants and be friends with whoever she chooses. She is with me and says she doesn't want anyone else, and I guess I have to allow her to prove that by giving her the freedom to be friends with people, guys and stuff, and if she still stays with me and doesn't do bad stuff, then it proves she doesn't want anyone else.

She did make a mistake and yes, I should let it go, because I did forgive her. I can't truly forgive her if I keep holding on to it.

I don't want to lose her, and I know she is the girl I'm mean to be with. We have been through so much together and love each other more than anything, and I know I need to trust her and give her the freedom she deserves to make this relationship work, but she also has some work to do in some areas of the relationship too.

I just wanted to know if I'm really that messed up and un-fixable. Thanks

And Tal, you are right too, she doesn't always deal with problems in the best way and we both have anger issus, I used to be really bad with mine, but I learned to control it, but I don't think she has. Will have to talk to her about this, but in the heat of an argument, its very hard to stay calm and in control, speaking from experience.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by BlackVY

But I want to know what I can do, and if there is anything else wrong with me. If you need examples, please ask, but I think you get the idea of what kind of guy I am. Not a very good boyfriend obviously, so I would like to be better and I'm looking to advice and help to get there.

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The fact that you are asking the question says that you are becoming ready to solve your problem. You need to see it, understand it for what it is and do the work required for you to become free of it. It's not control; it's insecurity.

You might think that you don't trust her, or the guys who hit on her, or those who will hit on her in the future. You know what they are going to do, though. Guys will hit on her. She will feel flattered, and will behave according to the truth of your relationship (if things are healthy between you, she will graciously back them off and indicate that she is committed. If things with you ever get ugly beyond some point, she will show that she is thinking about breaking off with you and having other relationships.) If you control who she talks to, you take away her choice for the moment, but the relationship is bound to suffocate.

If their relationship gets bad, people separate. If the relationship is fulfilling, they stay and they grow together. I wonder if you already can imagine how you and she might grow to be at ease with .

What you might not imagine yet is how you would handle the worst case scenario, or even the best case for that matter, if you handled them really well. Consider the possibility that you mostly don't trust yourself because you haven't had enough experience to develop the emotional maturity worthy of your trust.

Let her be free in her relationship with you. Work on your insecurity and resolve it. If this makes sense and how becomes the next question, just say so.

Cool. Sounds good to me. I would like to know how.

What makes you think that you are 100% wrong to think the way you do.

Trust usually roots in insecurity, and you don't sound like an insecure person to me. You sound concerned that your level of commitment is not shared by her. I would have doubts too with a person who has anger control issues, gets drunk, and comes home and kisses a guy before she hops into your bed!

If she were trustworthy, you would have no reason not to trust her. Unless it is more of a thing like you see men drooling over her at the post office, or in the grocery store, or imagine that men are hitting on her at work. Those sorts of things that you perceive to be happening, but aren't, are more signs of you being a control freak.

A person who needs that extent of control over a person, has a problem.

But, if your experience with her is that she does encourage men to engage her, or she has been unfaithful, or she treats you like dirt, or sticks around because she hasn't found somebody better, well, you have every reason to be concerned.

But she is who she is.

You either trust her, or you don't. She is either trustworthy, or she isn't. You cannot change her, and you cannot control her. Try being more critical in your thinking when those feelings come to surface. Try to see objectively if you have reason to feel the way you do, or not.

Letting your doubts fester, will only bring anger and anger will only bring more insecurity. Perhaps the two of you are just not meant for each other?

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Originally Posted by Jake2008

What makes you think that you are 100% wrong to think the way you do.

Trust usually roots in insecurity, and you don't sound like an insecure person to me. You sound concerned that your level of committment is not shared by her. I would have doubts too with a person who has anger control issues, gets drunk, and comes home and kisses a guy before she hops into your bed!

If she were trustworthy, you would have no reason not to trust her. Unless it is more of a thing like you see men drooling over her at the post office, or in the grocery store, or imagine that men are hitting on her at work. Those sorts of things that you perceive to be happening, but aren't, are more signs of you being a control freak.

A person who needs that extent of control over a person, has a problem.

But, if your experience with her is that she does encourage men to engage her, or she has been unfaithful, or she treats you like dirt, or sticks around because she hasn't found somebody better, well, you have every reason to be concerned.

But she is who she is.

You either trust her, or you don't. She is either trustworthy, or she isn't. You cannot change her, and you cannot control her. Try being more critical in your thinking when those feelings come to surface. Try to see objectively if you have reason to feel the way you do, or not.

Letting your doubts fester, will only bring anger and anger will only bring more insecurity. Perhaps the two of you are just not meant for eachother?

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Thanks for your comments.

Seems to me that it's a little of both. I do have control issues and that is a problem, because when I'm out with her, I do see guys checking her out and stuff, and it doesn't make me feel very good, and I do imagine "If this is how it is when I'm next to her, whats it like when I'm not with her"... so this is my problem for sure.

As mentioned earlier, I need to trust her, because guys will hit on her, and I can't stop that from happening, but how I deal with it is something I can control.

I need to realize she is with me and not those other guys.

She has given me a reason or 2 in the past to make me think I can't trust her, but I have tried to put that behind me. But I guess once bitten twice shy comes into place here. I won't fall for the same thing again, so I put my defences up twice as high.

I do have a control problem I guess and a trust issue, and I need to sort those things out if I ever want a chance to be a nice normal partner. I just need to know how. Thanks again

You are a rare bird. Not too many men will admit to having a control issue, and look for help, and you get a big kudos from me.

Is it possible to consider taking anger management counselling, or even better, couples counselling.

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Originally Posted by BlackVY

Cool. Sounds good to me. I would like to know how.

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I'm willing to have a long conversation with you about this over the next several days or weeks, but have to sign off in a few minutes.

So, for a start, I suggest that you Google "NLP" or "Neurolinguistic Programming" and read as much as interests you. That system offers thinking tools for resolving exactly what you are dealing with. After you get an idea about the big picture, look for the procedure called "Reframing." Also known as "9-step Reframing." If you don't find it, just read the general info and we'll talk about it.

But know that reframing is one tool that you can use to grow yourself beyond your insecurity. It will take work over time on your part, and that should be OK. The change might seem like magic when it occurs, but it will just be from solid work within yourself.

Questions:
What is your age?
What do you do?
Do you like to read books? If so, what kind? If you like to read, I'll recommend some books and articles. Two short articles on self management that you might find useful right now are:

senseofbalance2002
tccdriving

Last questions for now: (Put some energy into this)
Was there ever a time in which you felt secure in a relationship with a girl? What was that like?
If there never was such a time, imagine what it would be like to have a totally secure, trustworthy, uncontrolled relationship with a girl that sustained and improved over time. Take ten minutes to imagine this.


Tao

There is nothing about a caterpillar that tells you it's going to be a butterfly.
-Buckminster Fuller

I was the same, if not worse than you are. I went to counseling, read books even took a course on it to help ease it. And actually the best advice on it, I received from my mother. She told me that love is like holding sand, you hold it loosely it stays in your hand, but if you grip it tightly it slips right through your fingertips.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Jake2008

You are a rare bird. Not too many men will admit to having a control issue, and look for help, and you get a big kudos from me.

Is it possible to consider taking anger management counselling, or even better, couples counselling.

---

Thanks a lot. Yeah I know not too many guys will admit they are control freaks and need help, but I really do love this girl and want to be the best man for her, and so this control thing has to go, and I'll do whatever it takes.

I have spoken to people about angry management, and I'm getting that under control, but I think I still have some way to go. We do go to couple's counseling, but that doesn't seem to help us very much, because in the sessions, she ends up bring up lots of things from the past, which I know about, and that makes me sad, which she knows, and so she doesn't like bringing them up, but she says she is just being honest, which is true, so I accept it, but Im only human and am allowed to get upset at some things. I never stop her from telling it like it is, but she tends to stop herself to try to protect my feelings.

Later, she goes off at me after the session, and a huge fight starts, which is where I call upon the anger management techniques and just calm down, let her say what she wants and not reply to it. When I've calmed down too, then we'll talk sanely.

So I am trying quite a few things, but it ain't easy, and I sure ain't going to be "fixed" soon, but I'm trying... Thanks for the advice and the encouragement.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Romefalls19

I was the same, if not worse than you are. I went to counseling, read books even took a course on it to help ease it. And actually the best advice on it, I received from my mother. She told me that love is like holding sand, you hold it loosely it stays in your hand, but if you grip it tightly it slips right through your fingertips.

---

Thanks for relating to me. Yeah I've spoken to counselors, read books and am still reading books, trying to get things under control. If there was a class, I'd probably go to it. I think it also may have something to do with my negative self-esteem, which makes me not know why a girl would like me, and if a girl does love me, I don't want to let her go or lose her.

But that is really great advice you mother gave you. She must be a very wise woman, because it is very true. The harder I try to hold on, the more she slips away. I know I have to not hold on so tightly, but that's hard sometimes, well most of the time, but I will try, and I will keep this advice in mind next time I try to hold on too tightly. Thanks

Quote:

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Originally Posted by taoplr

I'm willing to have a long conversation with you about this over the next several days or weeks, but have to sign off in a few minutes.

So, for a start, I suggest that you Google "NLP" or "Neurolinguistic Programming" and read as much as interests you. That system offers thinking tools for resolving exactly what you are dealing with. After you get an idea about the big picture, look for the procedure called "Reframing." Also known as "9-step Reframing." If you don't find it, just read the general info and we'll talk about it.

But know that reframing is one tool that you can use to grow yourself beyond your insecurity. It will take work over time on your part, and that should be OK. The change might seem like magic when it occurs, but it will just be from solid work within yourself.

Questions:
What is your age?
What do you do?
Do you like to read books? If so, what kind? If you like to read, I'll recommend some books and articles. Two short articles on self management that you might find useful right now are:

senseofbalance2002
tccdriving

Last questions for now: (Put some energy into this)
Was there ever a time in which you felt secure in a relationship with a girl? What was that like?
If there never was such a time, imagine what it would be like to have a totally secure, trustworthy, uncontrolled relationship with a girl that sustained and improved over time. Take ten minutes to imagine this.


tao

There is nothing about a caterpillar that tells you it's going to be a butterfly.
-Buckminster Fuller

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Thanks Tao,

That was a very interesting read. Wikipedia had quite a lot of information on NLP stuff. Sounds like a lot of work, but if it does help me, I'm up for it. I think it would be best if we communicated via PMs, so as not to clutter the forum and annoy people. Furthermore, I think some of the information discussed may be quite person.

Anyway, to answer some of your question, I'm 25, and I'm a Software Engineer. I do like to read a lot, mostly fantasy, thriller, suspense, horror and sci-fi books. Lots of books interest me, so any reading material you have, I'll read.

To answer your last question, no, I don't think I have ever felt totally secure in a relationship with a girl, but again, I believe that stems from my own lack of self-esteem, so I always questioned when she was going to leave me. I can imagine what it would feel like to be with someone who I know will never leave me, who will always be there for me, who I don't have to hold onto too tightly, who I can trust totally and who could be totally free but still be with me. It would be bliss, but I don't know if such a person exists for me.

Anyway, if there is anything else you would like to tell me, ask or discuss, please send me a private message. Thanks again for all this. It is very helpful

One of the best tools I found out from my therapist was when you feel yourself get jealous over something, write it down. Come back an hour later and re read it, if it still bothers you(which it more than likely won't) then you are in a calmer state of mind to talk about it with your girlfriend.

It is an every struggle, I find myself slipping back into the slope and my fiancé catches me and reminds me about it.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Romefalls19

One of the best tools I found out from my therapist was when you feel yourself get jealous over something, write it down. Come back an hour later and re read it, if it still bothers you(which it more than likely won't) then you are in a calmer state of mind to talk about it with your girlfriend.

It is an every struggle, I find myself slipping back into the slope and my fiance catches me and reminds me about it.

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Hmmm.. that's a good idea... I might try that too...

Thing is, I'm usually jealous about other guys checking out my girl. People tell me I should take it as a compliment and be happy that other guys like her, but she is with me, but I just can't do that. I just don't like other guys looking at my girl because I don't know what's going on in their heads and what they are fantasizing about. Just not cool.

So I imagine if I write down that I'm jealous a guy is looking at my girl, and I come back and read it again later, I don't think it would make me any more calmer. It would remind me why I got jealous in the first place. Lol! But its worth a try. Thanks

Quote:

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Originally Posted by BlackVY

To answer your last question, no, I don't think I have ever felt totally secure in a relationship with a girl, but again, I believe that stems from my own lack of self-esteem, so I always questioned when she was going to leave me. I can imagine what it would feel like to be with someone who I know will never leave me, who will always be there for me, who I don't have to hold onto too tightly, who I can trust totally and who could be totally free but still be with me. It would be bliss, but I don't know if such a person exists for me.

Anyway, if there is anything else you would like to tell me, ask or discuss, please send me a private message. Thanks again for all this. It is very helpful

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Keep reading the NLP stuff. I'll get back to you via private message.

Oh, and yes, such a person exists. Many, actually. What makes it happen is that two people create and sustain a relationship in which each of them grows better in life-fulfilling ways because of the other's presence and influence. They might really have a good time together, but their reasons for living under one roof instead of just dating and partying with each other have to do with their ability and willingness to know another person at extraordinary depth and to be known at a similar depth.

Because of this relationship, they can be themselves with this one person, and as a result of that, maybe eventually with the world at large. But, in this relationship, they are free, whole people. Leaving is always an option. So is staying. Everything they do, they choose to do. Living in such a context, their love is totally real.

This takes tremendous courage. Over time, they develop the skills and trust and courage to tell each other their truth about everything, to listen and actually hear the other, to observe mistakes and setbacks and know when to talk about what they see and when to shut up, to understand their partner in the partner's own context, to make themselves accessible and vulnerable, to show their weakness as well as their power...

... in short, to be a trustworthy, safe, and fair witness to the life of their closest friend.

Is this difficult? You bet it is difficult. How many examples of such a relationship do you see? But when it's happening, there's nothing like it. You're always happy to get home...

Talk with you soon.

Tao