Sorry this is so long but I really need to vent.

I am a junior in college. Last semester, this guy, lets call him Steve, basically used me when I was emotionally vulnerable. (I had gotten raped a year earlier and had some emotional problems still... though I was functioning perfectly fine.) Steve started by obviously liking me but saying "Im not looking for dating...I got out of a long term relationship not long ago" (This long term relationship was not official. This girl used to go to my school and everyone says they weren't legit. I am not sure if this guy has even had a *real* girlfriend) and "I dont want to do distance" He studied abroad in a country last year that I was planning on going to the following semester and then he was graduating as a senior so I wouldn't see him again.

I didn't want to judge though. He then flirted with me a lot and I gave him several chances. I should have not done this, but I think I did it because he gave me a release from feeling depressed, even though I wasn't feeling depressed consistently. I fell for him very hard though. The 2nd time, he said he had changed his mind about me though he still didn't treat me like his girlfriend other than when we were alone. I think underneath it all he is the nice guy he seems but has some issues and maybe needs to grow up a little. He denied that I was just a pretty girl after this and said he will always care about me. He knew about the rape and was always supportive and we both did physical firsts together.

This situation ended quite badly I slowly irritated him because he still wasn't really treating me like a girlfriend like I wanted and he pulled back and I further got mad. At this point, the semester ended. I called/texted him at home calling him out on using me. He said he was sorry and sent a genuine email saying he was and that I had made him "sick with stress" with the things I said to him. He said he still wanted to hear from me and he was trying to think of a situation to fix this. However, he wouldn't talk to me still and I could tell he just wanted friends with benefits again... so I annoyed him to death. He then finally sent me an email entitled "Final Words" on Christmas Eve saying he never got close to loving me, I liked him more than he liked me, he was not being truthful that semester and instead was being careful, and I was more of a physical attraction. I was completely heart broken after this and sent a very nasty email back. I was extremely depressed until mid January. I felt stupid for being so upset over a "relationship" like this and actually thought about killing myself I was so devastated. I later felt very guilty, because I did annoy him to death and was mean sometimes, and felt like if I hadn't, he wouldn't have changed his mind but it wouldn't have ended so badly. So when I went to school to visit friends the next semester before I left for my trip, I went to his dorm room and apologized. He said he was sorry too, though I don't know if he meant it because he did not want to talk to me. The next day after church, in the cafeteria I sat down next to him and forced him to talk to me. It was kind of weird, I felt he didn't want to, but he eased up after a little while and even hugged me goodbye. I told him it bothered me he blocked me on everything and he unblocked me.

I am studying abroad in that country right now. Steve sold me a phone he used here and I paid him 60 bucks for it. When I got here, the phone did not work and I had to buy a new one. I sent him a message on Facebook simply saying "Hey just wanted to let you know the phone did not work and I had to buy a new one." He replied "Sorry it worked last time I used it. I did not mean to rip you off" He then deleted his Facebook account. (He actually deleted it and didn't just block me) I sent him a message saying "Dont delete your account silly I am dating someone else."

I should also mention in January before I left, I started dating a guy, we will call him John. I met John on a school trip and immeaditely had a thing for him, but this was when I was "with" Steve so it didn't go further than that. John asked me out and I started coming up to school on weekends to go on dates with him before I left. The night I went to Steve's room and said I was sorry actually was the night of my first date with John. John is everything I have hoped for. He seems to be a lot more honest and upfront than Steve and there's nothing fishy about him. He wants a relationship. He is more social like me and better looking. We saw each other 6x before I left for this country, but we are doing the distance and he is obviously crazy about me since we have already made plans for right when I return home and we have crazy good conversations when Im so far away.

However, I got way too drunk once (my first time ever) and I sent Steve an IM on AIM saying basically: "you are an awful person for what you did to me, I want you gone from my past, you shouldnt be arrogant because you got me, you got me because I was emotionally vulnerable, making the same mistake over and over isnt a mistake it is called bad character, you're a bad person, and my boyfriend right now is so much better than you!" I don't remember doing this but I saw the IM the next morning. I had a typo every other word so it was obvious I was drunk, but you could still understand what I said. He didn't block me, I guess because he knew I was drunk.

The issue is I have strong feelings for Steve. Really strong feelings. Sometimes I don't ever think about him but now that I sent that IM, I obsessively think about him. I think about him all the time and it drives me nuts!! When I imagine doing physical things with a guy, its always him. Im having the intense urge all the time to talk to him, which is stupid. I will never see him again and the only way I can talk to him with me being here is on AIM and he prob won't talk to me anyway. He is so bad for me and I have no idea why I like him so much because John is so much better. I do think about John too, I go nust when I talk to him, but lately I think of Steve more than John and I feel like something is wrong with me. I have told my friends here about it. They think I do not have many memories with John and since we are still in that getting-to-know-each-other-googly-about-each-other-stage I fall back on Steve's memories where last semester he did make me feel so happy at times. My sister in law says Im just a mess of emotions and I do not know how to intepret my feelings. I have toned down being an emotional wreck and never freak out anymore... so I haven't been in therapy for awhile. But Im still a mess of feelings I guess.

I am DEFINITELY not an expert, but it DOES sound to me like maybe you need to sit down and have a talk with yourself and see if you can figure out why you can't get Steve out of your mind... I tend to think your friends are right about your history with Steve vs. John... I am kind of in the same situation... I am in love with a wonderful man that I just met, but an old TERRIBLE boyfriend that I just ended a relationship with keeps entering my head... what I have done is force myself to see the old boyfriend for what he really is, a user and an abuser... then I read and re-read my new boyfriend's e-mails and IMs to refresh my memory of what we had before he left (he is out of the country too)- long distance relationships are hard... but keep focused... you and Steve were BAD... you are John are GOOD... surround yourself with things from John and get rid of things from Steve... delete anything of Steve on your computer... and block HIM... that way if he shows up you won't know and that will help too... be true to John... or let him go... you decide...

This may help, I'm going to tell you that the next post will pertain more to what you are talking about, but this one have useful info too.

True love, can be many things. Every one has their opinion, experiences, interpretation, and perceptions about it.

True, as defined at: true definition | Dictionary.com
1. being in accordance with the actual state or conditions; conforming to reality or fact; not false: a true story.
2. real; genuine; authentic: true gold; true feelings.
3. sincere; not deceitful: a true interest in someone's welfare.
4. firm in allegiance; loyal; faithful; steadfast: a true friend.

Love as defined at: love definition | Dictionary.com
1. a profoundly tender, passionate affection for another person.
2. a feeling of warm personal attachment or deep affection, as for a parent, child, or friend.
3. sexual passion or desire.
4. a person toward whom love is felt; beloved person; sweetheart.

Lets say love is a firm genuine, deep affection and loyalty that is built upon a profoundly passionate faithful belief in the binding of two people's lives. Forever they will be attached in one form or another. Personally I would argue that there is also a point to which one may need to learn to let go of a love, simply because only if you truly love some one/ thing will you find the strength to let them go of your own free will. I think that is important, because it lets people know that we don't have to be together just because we "have to", but we stay together because we want to. Also some times, the one's we want to stay with, don't want to stay with us, and so we have to accept that so we can move on. There maybe "soul mates", but it's not clear as to whether we develop, and grow into such, or if it's predetermined for us. Maybe finding our soul mate has more to do with finding ourselves, and in doing so can finally attract our soul mates. Very mysterious is the world that we pretend to know.

Lust= Passion, sex drive and hormones. One night stands, or meaningless flings. (The people that do this seem to show very little self respect, and tend to "...act kinda proud with no respect for themselves." P.O.D.- Youth of the nation)

Love= Passion, sex drive, hormones, enjoy a person's company/ personality, and some respect. (Actually, I think this may be most relationships in our world. In love, but not so willing to see the difference between them self and their lover, and what their relationship really means. There are different types, levels and kinds of Love at this level. Like the women who loves her man so much even when he hits her, or when the man loves his women but she cheats on him. Then there is the couple that is relatively happy together, but don't really grow, or progress because they are too different, or a like, or just don't work well together. )

True Love= The one you will spend your life with, while there is time left to spend. You understand that you may not be together forever, but still live for the moment. You are comfortable with each other, and yourselves. Grow together, and progress in life, due to a healthy balance. When there is a split, it is on good terms, hard, painful still but good. (The "good" split is not to be confused with a careless, reckless, and respect-less split. It is not like the couple who splits and stay's friends and cheats on their new partners with the one they are splitting on good terms with. I might argue that true friends are in true love.)

Soul Mates= True Love + Forever being with your lover as your lover will forever be with you. The one you are dedicated to until death do you part. Perhaps the one you will follow into the after life, what ever it maybe. Know yourself, and you will know your soul mate.

As to whether I believe these... They are possibilities, just like anything, everything, nothing, and something else...

will everyone find love?
That is dependent, do we count the love of GOD as some believe, the Love one feels for themselves, The love of a family or friends?

Love is not all about passion and sex. It's more complicated, and it also depends where what your cultural back ground is. I some times think that is why people are so confused about love, because they feel the same feeling for some one they love as for some one they want to just have sex with. That heated passion, and so on. But love is more than that, it's about connection, and being able to be with the one you love with out invading who they are. So often people get messed up by their feelings saying, "Oh look at this new exciting prospect of adventure..." Then the morals and spiritual guidance kicks in, "This is not right, I may be attracted, but i don't know this person. It's very dangerous, STDs, rape, murder, and so on. I deserve to be treated better then a fluzy, sex toy." Then it's a perpetual war waged within the confines of your own mind. These days people seem more prone to act on basic instinct and feelings than reason, and honorable intentions. Don't get me wrong, that's just an over generalization. There are still people who do care about what happens to one another, and do seem to be happy even after just a one night stand, but not always. Haha I guess I've been hanging around too many rough necks eh? Haha, welders, mill laborers, and such.

All I've given you is just my opinion. No real evidence saying nor suggesting its true.

Peace and kindness be with you.


“If you love someone, does it mean you would be able to let them go and be happy with someone else? Even if its hard as hell for you?”- none12345

You may consider following this, Forgive yourself for past mistakes. Or it will be hard to know yourself. If you can not forgive yourself and thus let go of the past, you may only end up in situations that are too familiar and using your illusions II make things seem good when they are not. As Guns 'N' Roses play,
"Cause yesterday's got nothin' for me
Old pictures that I'll always see
Some things could be better
If we'd all just let them be..."

Forgive yourself, then you can begin to know yourself. No it is very unlikely that we will ever know our self's entirely, for it's an on going progression that lasts through out our entire being, or so it is seems that such advice is important to keep in mind. When we get to know ourselves, we get to understand the connection we have and share with others. Whether it's, a lover, friend, the vary air we breath, the food we eat, the substances we put in our bodies, and the balance between all. Like I said, how can we know our soul mate if we don't know ourselves. So, if we break up with one lover and wish to improve our ability to be in a healthy relationship, then perhaps the best way to do this is by first getting to be ourselves. That means know yourself, and you shall know Love. It can be seen as not true, but I believe that is, for the most part, if you use your illusions II make things seem other than they are. If you can not be honest with yourself, you can not be honest with others.

Love yourself, this is very hard for most, on account that we all have such high expectations for ourselves and one another. This one is very touchy and hard to deal with since it's a very powerful emotion. We tend to try and tighten our grip on it, but no matter how tight to grip it, it just runs through our hands like sand. We become addicted to Love, and in the book "The brain that changes it'self" it is compared to the drug Cocaine. While we have our love, or in my best interpretation that which seems to invoke the feeling of "Love"/"Euphoria", we are "happy". Then we start to associate things with that "Love". Should we loose that "love", we become depressed and miss that “love” dearly.
This is the complex part, we feel euphoric because the pleasure centers in the Septal region of the Limbic system is turned on. This makes us associate what we experience, good or Bad, with the feeling of pleasure. When we are "in Love", on a "manic High" (term for people who have a mental illness called Mania, or bipolar.), or if we are under the influence of cocaine; the threshold at which our pleasure centers will fire is lowered, making it easier for them to turn on. "Neurons that fire together wire together." (this term implies that while the threshold of our pleasure centers is lowered, we associate what ever we do/see/think/feel/smell and generally experience with Pleasure.) Now, the pleasure center has another name, "the appetitive pleasure system" ("Appetitive: 1. An instinctive physical desire, especially one for food or drink. 2. A strong wish or urge: an appetite for learning." - Appetitive - definition of Appetitive by the Free Online Dictionary, Thesaurus and Encyclopedia.) The reason for the strong urge or instinctive physical desire is because the appetitive pleasure system is a dopamine-based system associated with the pleasure of anticipating something we desire.

So now, when we separate from our "love" for too long we suffer from with drawl and the things that we associated with our "love", rather than bringing us happy feelings, they taunt us and serve as a dark reminder of the love we lost. That can change over time, but when the separation is new, it's really hard to look past the pain, and illusions we create. Generally after losing a love, the pleasure center isn't functioning the same, so they crash and begin craving their "love", get anxious, doubt themselves, lose their energy, and feel rundown if not depressed. Like the junky getting a small fix, a letter, e-mail, text message, or telephone message from our "love" gives us that old shot of energy and joy.

Relationships that are regular and routine, well the dopamine in our systems likes novelty, so we have to keep things rather fresh and new, exciting or our brains get bored. They need stimulation, and I've come to wonder if people who have relationship troubles and drink or do drugs regularly, aren't linked to this idea of new and fresh. See, when we do drugs, drink alcohol, we kill brain cells and make it hard for the brain to learn new things. That is only in relative terms though, and a whole new story.

I may be repeating some stuff, sorry about that, but here is more to the psychological perspective on Neurological explanation of addiction/love. I'm having a hard time finding where to start for your Sexual behaviour, and how to use the porn addiction section in the book to explain it. I hope this helps.

"Ok, so we have a pleasure center located in the limbic system, a part of the brain heavily involved in processing emotion, and a Dr. Robert Heath did experiments on humans in this area. He took electrodes, the brain doesn't have feeling, and put them into the septal region of the limbic system and turned it on, the patient would then experience a powerful euphoria, so powerful that one patient pleaded with them not to stop. This same region fires up when pleasant subjects were discussed and during orgasm. These pleasure centers were found to be part of the brain's reward system, the mesolimbic dopamine system.
When the pleasure center is turned on everything we experience gives us pleasure. Cocaine lowers the threshold at which our pleasure centers will fire, making it easier for them to turn on. The three reasons our pleasure center's thresholds are lowered are we do a drug like Cocaine, have a manic high (Manics, bipolar.), or we are in love.
If a person gets high on Cocaine, becomes manic, or falls in love, they enter an enthusiastic state and are optimistic about everything, because all three will lower the firing threshold for the appetitive pleasure system, the dopamine-based system associated with the pleasure of anticipating something we desire. They are sensitive to anything that may give them pleasure, and are filled with hopeful anticipation. Things like nature, flowers, grass, sunshine inspire them; small but thoughtful gestures allow them to delight in all man kind. Doidge, the writer of "the brain that changes it'self", calls this process "Globalization".
Globalization allows us to take more pleasure in the world, and inhibits pain, displeasure, or aversion. Things that normally bother us, don't. We love being in love not only because it makes it easier for us to be happy but also because it makes it harder for us to be unhappy.
Globalization allows us to learn new things easier too; because when we are "in love" we are "happy, and it's harder to be unhappy, we like things we normally don't", and the dopamine helps the brain consolidate "Neuroplasticity". (plastic is the brains ability to rearrange it's neuro-connections to accommodate, the addition of information, sub traction, brain damage, "Hemisphere-ectimy" (I'm not sure how to spell it, YouTube - Brain Plasticity), and various other brain related issues.)

Freud once described the elated effects of cocaine to his fiancee, Martha, in letters. He says, he feels fearless, not fatigued, less shy, increased self esteem, no longer depressed, euphoric, enhances his energy, enthusiasm, and has an aphrodisiac effect. He was describing a state akin to "romantic intoxication". The book says in both cases, the Cocaine high, and "romantic Intoxication" may impair one's judgment. Recent fMRI (functional magnetic resonance imaging) scans of lovers looking at photos of their sweethearts show that a part of the brain with great concentrations of dopamine is activated; their brains looked like those of people on cocaine.

When separated for too long, lovers crash and experience withdrawal, crave their beloved, get anxious, doubt them selves, lose their energy, and feel run-down if not depressed. Like a little fix a letter, and e-mail, or a telephone message from the beloved provides and instant shot of energy. Should they brake up, they get depressed- the opposite of the manic high...
After a time of being with some one, the brain doesn't produce that dopamine like before, if they adapt to well to each other. Dopamine likes novelty. (From NESTORAIN: Some people might say that their spouse/partner is too dull, but really they are just addicted to the unpredictability, and excitement that comes with exploration of a new place. You can do what you'd like here, but it may be wise to try and spice it up a bit, be random some times, spontaneous, and take time away from one another so you both don't get "tired" of one another.) Dr.Doidge believes that this means their "plastic" brains have so well adapted to each other that it's harder for them to get the same buzz they once got from each other.
Dr. Doidge also suggests if this happens to inject novelty into the relationship. Try new activities together, or wear new kinds of clothing, surprise one another. Pretty much keep the brain working, entertained, and learning fresh new things." _ The brain that changes it'self by Dr. Norman Doidge M.D.

I hope that helps, I didn't quite quote the book, but I did paraphrase, and used some lines right from it. Those were just pages 113-116. There is so much more to this chapter on love, mind you it does go into details on porn addiction, sexual perversions and how they may work/happen. Very interesting, as it is the chapter on Acquiring tastes and loves. Very interesting stuff, but if you're not into that, I guess not eh!

I know it's not written for you, but I hope the more neuro Psychology helps you understand yourself better.

Peace be with you.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Nestorian

When separated for too long, lovers crash and experience withdrawal, crave their beloved, get anxious, doubt them selves, lose their energy, and feel run-down if not depressed. Like a little fix a letter, and e-mail, or a telephone message from the beloved provides and instant shot of energy. Should they brake up, they get depressed- the opposite of the manic high...
I know it's not writen for you, but I hope the more neuro Psychology helps you understand your self better.

Peace be with you.

---

Another wow, Nestorian... what can I say? You hit the mark... I told you that you were smart and knew "things"... lol...

This helped me too Nestorian... you did a two-fer... two for one... lol

:) Thank you IWHO, I'm pleased those words have helped you.

To be fair, the quote you used of my words is acctually a paraphrase from Norman Doidge.

Peace be with you.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Nestorian

:) Thank you IWHO, I'm pleased those words have helped you.

To be fair, the quote you used of my words is acctually a paraphrase from Norman Doidge.

Peace be with you.

---

Give credit where credit is due, Nestorian, HE didn't use those words on me, YOU did... lol... sheeeeeesh... :D:p;)

Quote:

---

I am a confused mess right now.

---

First let me say nice rant. Now having said that, I hope getting all the old feelings out, will allow you to let new ones in. That's how it works with us humans, so I think if your patient, and proactive with your life going forward, you will overcome the past.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by talaniman

First let me say nice rant.

---

Lol... good one talaniman...

I think you met Steve during a traumatic time of your life. Those types are kind of like 'sharks' that smell the blood and drawn to your vulnerability at the time. I think that the trauma of the rape was probably still in a 'healing' phase and meeting Steve was probably the 'wrong guy at the wrong time'. He sounded like a wolf.

I think the connection you've had with Steve is what psychologist call a 'traumatic bond'. It's kind of like when a someone who is kidnapped falls in love with the kidnapper. I think your connection with Steve was trauma-based and also drama-based. You can sometimes get addicted to it, but it's a dysfunctional connection.

I would first of all get in forgiveness mode. Forgive Steve as well as yourself and any other forgiveness that is required. It sound like you also need time to heal.

You might want to discretely talk to John about it, as far as needing some time to heal. I am not say 'cut it off' with John as he seems like a wonderful person. However, you might want to talk about some of the things you've been through and are seeking healing.

I don't know if you are a spiritual person, but you also might want to talk to God about it and seek healing from above.

If you need to go to some counseling for the previous rape, you might want to go to that as well.

It sounds like you went through an extremely tough stretch of your life there and Steve was a part of that, but at a dysfunctional level.

I went through a traumatic/melo-dramatic relationship with a person who was a definant drama queen and wasn't good for me. However, I got kind of addicted to the 'roller coaster ride' of extreme highs and lows. However, after determining to forgive them, myself, and having a 'no-contact' policy with them for awhile, the healing began to come. I don't think I was addicted to them as much as a lot of the dysfunctional aspects of the relationship. I was kind of an 'enabler' for awhile and got addicted to it. By having no-contact it began to break the cycle and my sanity was restored.

God bless you mightily and prayers are with you and that you receive a 'healing flow'...

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by talaniman

First let me say nice rant. Now having said that, I hope getting all the old feelings out, will allow you to let new ones in. Thats how it works with us humans, so I think if your patient, and proactive with your life going forward, you will overcome the past.

---

The best way to learn something, is to be aware of the things you are doing that are not working and slowly remind yourself to try something new in their place. Also, for unlearning it helps a great deal to focus on the situations/memories of something you wish to stop thinking about. By this I mean focus on specific memories and pay as much attention to the memory as possible, then let it fade away and picture it doing just that. Then you know it's no longer necessary to hold on to it, you can replace it with new ones. Be sure to try new fun exciting things so that you can turn your attention to happy things, positive thoughts of something you can enjoy rather than how you lost "the one thing that made you happy".

I think Norman Diodge said that this is a process of unlearning, then learning, or wiring and rewiring. So, as Talaniman said, " I hope getting all the old feelings out, will allow you to let new ones in." let go so that you can take in new.

Peace be with you.