Gf's past bothers me, what to do, now I'm insecure
So, I'm having a hard time with my girlfriend's past. And, because of it, I fear it'll affect our relationship. The more I know the more I question the long-term viability of our relationship. Or, maybe, the likelihood it'll ever go from boyfriend/girlfriend to fiance/fiancee. Boy, this sucks. Here are the issues: sex, religion, and friends.
Sex. Most of her sexual background isn't my business, and some of it is. I asked if she was safe, positive for any STDs, and had been recently tested. We had this conversation when stuff was getting serious between us a couple months in the relationship. She assured me on all three counts. This is a few months later, and she shared that she might be positive for HPV (not a big deal in-and-of-itself, but I deserved to know back then), and that she hadn't been tested for STDs since her previous nine partners. That wasn't exactly what I wanted to hear. Ironically, the part that's been screwing with my mind the most is the nine previous partners. She shared that the year prior to our meeting she'd decided to explore her sexuality. I'd like to say I'm okay with that, but I'm really not.
We met under circumstances of our shared spirituality (we're Christian). I don't expect anyone these days to be a virgin; I'm not. I've had a handful of sexual partners, each of whom I cared for deeply and knew for several months. Really, I've only ever dated women coming at sexuality from the same or a more conservative angle than mine. She shared that she'd had a rough go of it after a bad breakup and has spent the year prior to our meeting hooking up with guys in short-term relationships, as sex buddies, or for a one night stand. To be honest, I'm just not okay with it. It makes me extremely uncomfortable. We talked about it candidly, and she said she was ashamed and regretted it. I let her know it bothered me, but that it was in the past. Then I went in the bathroom and threw up. Okay, so maybe the sex is in the past, but the implications aren't for me.
It's not my place to tell her what's right or wrong. I understand a lot of people either do this now or have in the past. I guess all I feel I can say is whether it's okay with me, now. It's the past and it can't be taken back. All I can choose is whether I get over it and we move on. Or I leave. There's no point in being upset about it for it's own sake. On the other hand, I feel like it speaks to character and chaos. First, I don't think it speaks well of her character that she did this. Second, we met during this, in a chaotic time in her life. She was lonely and sad, making questionable choices with guys, drinking often, and a few times drinking and driving. Then we meet. I don't want to feel like the guy who encouraged her to change back to the person she was before. That doesn't seem like a solid foundation for a relationship. There was all this chaos in her life, what she's referring to as an identity crisis, and that was when I walked on stage. All I wanted was for two high-functioning people to come together, two people who both had it together.
Religion. During the past year before we met she hadn't been going to church. That's been a huge part of our relationship together. I wish she'd said going with me was the first time she'd gone in awhile. First, faith is important to me. Second, she was the one who brought it up and she always wanted to go. Seriously, I feel mislead, there.
Friends. I suppose it already sounds judgmental by this point, so let me say what I really feel: I think some of her friends suck. Your friends don't have to believe what you do, but they should honor what you believe, and look out for you. If she'd been hurting after a breakup and suddenly started acting out of character, her friends could have spoken up. I've done it for my friends, they've done it for me. A few of her friends encouraged her to spend more time at the bars and hooked her up with guys to sleep with. If that's what the person you're with is about, there you go. If not, I just don't think it's cool. She can spend time with the friends she wants, but I've suddenly lost respect for some of her friends, and I don't think that's helping.
The bottom line is that I feel like I've been mislead. This is months later. We're in love. I don't think at the outset she was obligated to share her life story. But I shouldn't have been led to believe she was the same person she was around me as she'd been the previous year, that our relationship was being built on a foundation where we were both on steady footing.
I love her. Even after this, I don't want to leave. What she did neither of us can take back. If I could, I'd give a lot to take back some of her past. But, by now, it's really about me rather than her. We can't control the past, only the present. If we're going to be together, I need to get past it. Honestly, I'm struggling so hard with this. It makes me feel horrible. Makes me question our future together, and more than questioning her, it makes me question myself. Will what we have ever be special... am I really good enough... am I different than the others... is this all a game for her... it's tapping out insecurities I haven't questioned since the time I was cheated on. This isn't the same thing, and I know that, but it's the only thing since that's made me feel almost as bad.
This is starting to strain not only my relationship with her, but my relationship with God. I don't feel like I deserved this. I'm not perfect, far from it. But I've made my way up from growing up homeless to attending an Ivy League school, I've volunteered for thousands of hours with youth, I've loved the Lord and he's provided for me. Maybe I shouldn't have been having premarital sex. Maybe this is what goes with the territory. I feel horrible.
And after all this we just don't seem like this couple. We're both smart, attractive, and well liked. This isn't the end of the world, or the relationship, but I don't feel like it's what I've signed on for. I lived my life so that I could grow and live well, marry and have a family. I feel like now I'm with the girl you have fun with, not the one you marry. And I don't know now if I really want to marry her. And if I don't, I don't see the point in dating her. It makes me so upset and angry. Some with her, some with God, much more with myself.
Tl;dr: So, how can I get over this? And, how can I get over the insecurities I now feel that have come with all this? Also, sorry if I've come off like a judgmental jerk. It's not how I meant to, although you're welcome to say I am. Thanks for the replies...
