I have a 10 yr. old son, twin with a girl and a 9 yr. old daughter. He wakes up in a bad mood and goes to bed in a bad mood. Nothing is right for him, he is constantly bothering his younger sister and is always sarcastic with her. I have a child care center, and sometimes he does not realise that the kids are much younger than him, and he behaves very bad. I am a tough mother, my husband working abroad. I do not give them all they ask for and I base my education on respect to oneself and to others.

Sometimes I just have no strength, since everything I do seems to upset him, everything his young sister does turns out in a fight with verbal insults. No day goes by without some type of high tone.

I must admit that I also have a very strong character, but I do try to explain to him, that to get upset with everyone and everything only harms the person feeling it, and no one else.

He once told his father that he wanted to kill me.

What to do ?

Get your son some counseling? Does he ever openly talk to you?

I heard of kids saying they hate their mom out of anger but never I want to kill my mom. This is something that shouldn't be taking lightly. With all his bad behavior and his interactions between you and his sibling--I would take him to a mental health professional asap.

Yes you have an envious child.

In an age where we often times try to be fair between boys and girls often we end up hitting the wall 100 times trying to figure out why our sons are not as satisfied by the same things our daughters are.

This is going to be a little long, I have 5 children 3 are boys 13,9,7 the two girls are 11,6.

With 5 children spending individual time is a challenge, probably about as challenging as having a spouse that works somewhere else. Both my husband and I work outside of the home.

For the girls we found that they were emotionally fulfilled by getting one on one time no matter how it came and they were satisfied after they received it. With the girls, I could drag one along on a milk run and get them a juice or bag of skittles. I would use the ride to listen and talk about whatever they wanted to talk about. They were happy and with that time, they developed patience. If things got hectic, they dealt with it, if they wanted time and it couldn't happen (usually because of struggling with boys) they were okay with it.

With the boys this totally backfired. If we brought them, they were great while they were getting the time, but as soon as it was over it was a hundred times worse. It became apparent instead of feeling special about getting the extra time, they felt the loss when the time was over and acted out even more. If things got hectic and they couldn't get their time, they immediately became hateful and harder to control. I couldn't understand this at all. Why is it so successful for the girls but not for the boys? They do not process emotions the same way.

We still bring a child along on things like milk runs, but we did not see success with the boys until we found about 30 minutes a day each, not all at once, but like ten when they get home from school, ten after chores, dinner, shower and 10 around bedtime.

The other thing that helped because we still can't always find that 30 for each child is this thing we do at dinner. Its good part/ bad part/ and what you learned. Each of us says at least one good thing that happened that day, one bad thing and something new you learned that day. (Let him go first, he'll like it) its time where what he says matters. No interupting from the siblings (he'll feel special when you tell the girls not to interrupt because its his turn).

This has worked wonders in our house.

One more post is coming, but its another issue I picked up in you question, so I'm separating it for easy reading.

Your son is feeling rejected/ not as special. I am sure this is a little magnified by being a twin.

At ten years old, if you ask a child why he doesn't like someone the answer is almost always because that person does not like them.

For you it is a catch 22, he will act out to get negative attention if he feels he is not getting enough "special" attention and then he thinks you don't like him and the cycle continues. He may be feeling dislike toward you based on his perception that you do not like him, but on that same note, you're his mother and 90% of his self esteem and his identity is based on how he believes you feel about him. He will act out but continue to try and prove he is special because at the end of the day more than anything he needs your approval.

With they boys in my house, if they are stressed or we are really busy... if they start feeling less important (which seems to happen quickly with the boys almost never with the girls) The first thing that happens is that "mom, mom, mom... uhm... guess what" if that does not get them the time, then competition between the siblings start, ex. "Oh yeah, well I can (insert anything) better than you" If this does not work, being hateful starts , name calling, put downs. Then last all out arguing and fighting.

If you catch it on the first or second step it can be undone occasionally but often once this has started, its done.

One child has this trait that sets him aside from the others (he's 9) if he is behaving really well for a month lets say, and he screws up and we let him off the hook he becomes almost impossible to deal with, but if you punish him for crossing that line he is a complete angel.

His teacher put it best, she said, its like he cannot respect anyone who refuses to respect their own boundaries. He has to know where the line is and Every once in a while he will approach the line to make sure it is still there, and if it is... he backs off and continues to behave well. If he gets away with it, he will push until you snap.

Until we figured this out... there was swearing, hitting, stealing, complete disregaurd for all rules because he'd get so many punishments we couldn't follow through.

If you decide to try this...

1: keep punishments short (ex. Make bedtime earlier in 15 minute increments)
2: everything is a privilege (tv, video games)
3: break down everything you expect from him into small steps so he can be successful (it builds self-esteem and with the ego boost he will be more likely to stick with it)

Tahnk you for the advises which I will try to implant.

By the way, his behaviour outside is that of a good boy ( which he definitely is ), very well behaved, corteous. Actually all teachers say the same from my three kids. But when he is together with the little one... he loses his temper.

Should I give that much importance to the fact that he told his dad once that he wanted to kill me ? Not that it is nice, it was only once because he was furious wit me... what's your opinion ?