My 23 year old healthy intelligent, son is in his first job, works in brother in laws business. Lives with mum, dad died recently. He is youngest of my 4 children and only one living at home. His untidiness is causing me a lot of stress. His room is always messy, clothes on floor, soft porn magazines in bathroom and bedroom. Impossible to get into room to tidy with floor littered with clothes etc. Do I bribe? How do I try and make him realise this is no way to live? His dad who he was close to died in March and he is still grieving as are we all. However I realise that the 6 months of his father's illness meant that no one noticed that he was becoming more and more untidy and getting away with it. Laundry basket is brought downstairs when asked and contains clothes that have not even been worn! Has anyone tips for how I approach this problem without falling out with my son. Do I impose sanctions? Or offer rewards?

Take his bedroom door off. Tell him when he cleans his room he can have it back.

So if he is 23 then he should know by now that he can't still live in his parents house and act like it's his. Ask yourself. DOes he pay rent? Is he considerate? Is he spoiled? Then rate the answer how you think is accordingly. Put him on a schedule and if he continues his ways then punisment is definitely an option. He's still your son and your still HAS to abide by your rules.

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Originally Posted by Pokerface5

So if he is 23 then he should know by now that he can't still live in his parents house and act like it's his. Ask yourself. DOes he pay rent? Is he considerate? Is he spoiled? Then rate the answer how you think is accordingly. Put him on a schedual and if he continues his ways then punisment is definately an option. He's still your son and your still HAS to abide by your rules.

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He is very spoiled that is the problem. He is a nice lad but being the youngest child born 7 years after his siblings he was spoiled. His dad retired from a busy job in 2001 and they did lots of bonding. I had to get his dad to talk to him if I wanted any changes made e.g. Tidy your room. Now his dad is gone and he ignores my requests until I get annoyed! He doesn't pay rent. The schedule is a good suggestion. I am reluctant to use threats right now. I am recently widowed and find issues within the family very stressful.

Holy Crap ease up people, he just lost his Dad

My kids are a lot younger but it works on my husband and well it works when he does it to me too most of the time.

Without complaining (you know what I mean) explain, that it is hard on you too. You need him to step up and help you. Lay out your expectations. (Also he sounds depressed, so if you add laziness and depression he may be pretty overwhelmed)

Most important, don't ask. I know, asking is polite, I don't mean bark orders, but remove the choice to not do it.

Examples:
"On your way down, bring the laundry basket"

Instead of "would you mind bringing the laundry basket?"

Never say 'when you get around to it' (they never will- and if you say it with a smile, without yelling it is still polite.

If they say, I will later, say no now, it'll take you five minutes.

It works with trash, dishes, bedrooms. And if he is depressed, honestly one thing at a time is a lot less overwhelming.

I wouldn't be too hard on him either but he's 23, stop cleaning his room (close the door if it's messy), stop doing his laundry (he will eventually ask you how to do it if he needs it done) and toss out porn magazines you find outside his room (tell him you don't care what he does in his room but you don't want to see that kind of stuff)

Basically make him take on his own chores slowly as he is too old for you to still be doing this for him

First of all, he should be paying you rent.

He's an adult man, working a job. What is he doing with his money? Buying soft porn and clothes.

I grew up in a very "comfortable" situation; never needed anything, always had money, etc. etc. I lived at home and commuted to college. Stayed home until I got my first job... in CHINA.

Money hit me. I paid my own bills, bought my own food, etc. I realized that money doesn't just grow on trees and started to take care of my things.

Sit down with him, tell him your concerns, tell himt hat you don't want to treat him like a child, because he isn't one anymore. Lay out a rent schedule - it doesn't have to be comparable to a 1/1 apartment, but it should be significant enough to make him know that he's paying for his comfort, not just having it handed to him because of genetics.

I lost my Dad, too. I finally had to stop blaming my problems on my loss. Its hard and it hurts, but it won't help him in the long run to blame his problems on his loss.

Sit him down. Set a rent.

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Originally Posted by bovril

He is very spoiled that is the problem. He is a nice lad but being the youngest child born 7 years after his siblings he was spoiled. His dad retired from a busy job in 2001 and they did lots of bonding. I had to get his dad to talk to him if I wanted any changes made e.g. Tidy your room. Now his dad is gone and he ignores my requests until I get annoyed! He does'nt pay rent. The schedule is a good suggestion. I am reluctant to use threats right now. I am recently widowed and find issues within the family very stressful.

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I'm glad that my info was helpful :) I understand how hard it can be to lose a loved one and then try to still balance the other daily stresses of life. My great-grandmothers son (my grandfather) lived with her all his life until she died and he never learned how to fend for himself. He has no job and the house is falling apart. I would just hate for this story to repeat itself. After you have done the schedule if it doesn't work then some tough love will do the job. He should understand that this punishment is out of love and not hate.

If he wants to be sloppy in your living areas
Do like I did with my kids when they were in grade school. Get a BIG box and put the clutter in the box and put the box in his bedroom. Let him live in his mess in his room but not the rest of the house.
Set aside his dirty dish, glass and fork, knife and spoon and tell him that he has to wash them before he can eat. In other words he has his own set and not allowed to use yours.

I am sorry for the loss of his dad, but that is no excuse for being a slob.

1. he starts paying rent if he lives at home as a adult

** Ok was he in college or why is this his first job, by 23 I had already worked for 8 years.
But as soon as he was not in school and over 18 he was to pay rent.

**** if you want don't tell him put the rent into a savings account for him when he finally moves out

2. you don't clean his room, if he wants to wear clothes off the floor, that is his problem, his door is shut and you don't go in.

3. same with bath room unless you are forced to share, if you share one, any porn left in there is thrown out, that is just not respectfull.

4. Mess in open living areas, make him clean it up or let him know he will have to make other living arrangements

One thing I always tell my adult son about his room is that the mess isn't good for you.

Its isn't healthy to be surrounded by chaos and mess,it can even worsen depression.

Tell him you are sure he does not want to be treated like a child so he needs to act like an adult and then your hand will not be forced.

I understand he is in a grieving process but the sad fact is,life has to continue.

Tell him you do not expect a pristine room but you appreciate order in your home and when and if he moves out he can do whatever he wants ,but bottom line,your house your rules.

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Originally Posted by Meredith1978

Holy Crap ease up people, he just lost his Dad

My kids are a lot younger but it works on my husband and well it works when he does it to me too most of the time.

Without complaining (you know what I mean) explain, that it is hard on you too. You need him to step up and help you. Lay out your expectations. (Also he sounds depressed, so if you add laziness and depression he may be pretty overwhelmed)

Most important, don't ask. I know, asking is polite, I don't mean bark orders, but remove the choice to not do it.

examples:
"On your way down, bring the laundry basket"

instead of "would you mind bringing the laundry basket?"

Never say 'when you get around to it' (they never will- and if you say it with a smile, without yelling it is still polite.

If they say, I will later, say no now, it'll take you five minutes.

It works with trash, dishes, bedrooms. And if he is depressed, honestly one thing at a time is a lot less overwhelming.

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Thanks Meredith you sound like a compasionate and yet realistic person. I appreciate your help.