Hi
I have been with my partner for almost 7 years, I had one child from my first marriage and we have had 2 together. When our first child together was born we agreed we would get married before he started school. He is due to start school next year and I brought the topic up and he said he has changed his mind and doesn't want to get married now. He says he wants us to stay together but not get married and he doesn't really have a reason. Many people have asked me why I had children with him before he married me? My answer due to health issues I couldn't wait any longer. We have mortgages and business together and I just don't understand why he doesn't want to get married now. I am at the point of leaving I feel very cheated. We get along great apart from this major issue. Can anyone suggest what to do please?

You have to ask yourself if you are better off with him, or without him. Would you, or the children benefit from leaving their father just because he doesn't want to get married?

Is the relationship solid? I think that if you want to marry him, and he's changed his mind, maybe he is just not ready.

Being married, and then having children does not necessarily guarantee any level of success, as we see from divorce rates.

Pressuring him with such a finite ultimatum may result in you losing a good man, and the children losing their father.

It may very well depend on your reasons to get married. If it is for reasons that you and him disagree on, there may be more to this than just the ceremony.

A good relationship with or without marridge is the most important thing and the kids are happy and secure good luck you sound like two good people

Maybe there is a reason he doesn't want to get married that has nothing to do with you. Maybe he is just afraid of things changing... that happens a lot. I've heard a lot of people say they had a great relationship until they got married, and as soon as they said I Do it destroyed it.

Thank you both for your advice, it has given me another perpective. Part of me still feels cheated though! I will keep thinking as I don't want to make a decision and regret it later.

I have spent the last few days thinking over what advice others have given me, and I am very grateful for that. My problem is I just can't understand why he can't commit to me! Not commitment to the children or finances just me, on an emotional level. Maybe I have insecurity issues, and if I do, what's wrong with that... all advice welcome.. thanks

I did not read any of the other answers yet. You have been together for 7 years. Your together and have children together. What is your urgency to get married? There should be no rush and it seems that it has been working the way it has. Now you want to leave him because he does not want to get married. In a sense he is married to you. You are legally common law partners. Not sure what the issue is. Is it that piece of paper you want? Why?

J

He already committed to you and the relationship. He has been with you for seven years. If that is not commitment then I do not know what is?

I know I sound selfish and stupid and yes it is just a piece of paper but I would just love him to stand before our families and friends and declare his love for me... We discussed it and agreed on it years ago I just keep getting this feeling of "Whats wrong with me? why arn't I good enough to marry?" A lot of people have said to me a lot of people separate after marriage, and yes that is true. But what about the people who stay together? Maybe I'm going crazy?. I would love to have the same last name as my children without having to change it by depoll.

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Originally Posted by whatif77

I have spent the last few days thinking over what advice others have given me, and I am very greatful for that. My problem is I just can't understand why he can't commit to me! Not commitment to the children or finances just me, on an emotional level. Maybe I have insecurity issues, and if I do, whats wrong with that..... all advice welcome.. thanks

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It used to be that at one time, if a man (or woman for that matter) would not commit to a date to marry, then that person was considered not marriage material, that you were wasting your time, and then move on to find a partner that wanted marriage.

There IS a difference between common law and marriage. Legally and otherwise. Marriage is a commitment with far greater meaning psychologically, financially, legally. Not to mention it's better to have a marriage commitment before having children.

That is not to bash anybody who does not choose that way. One of my best friends has been common law for 27 years, and now has grandchildren. It works for her.

But, it is not unreasonable to expect that marriage would eventually come of a union that has been, and will continue to be long term, with children already in the picture.

I personally do not know, or can advise which is best for you. On the one hand, you have a great man there, father etc. and no reason to suspect that he's going anywhere soon, so why rock the boat.

On the other hand, I do understand wanting that marriage commitment. It is really the level of commitment perhaps you are looking for. That extra step to a place where you are married, not common law.

If his idea of a committed relationship, for whatever reason, is where he is right now, then perhaps he will never change and take that leap of faith and marry you. If you didn't have children, and had planned to be married and he changed his mind, then I'd say time to move on. But, with children in the picture, and knowing that you have a stable relationship, only you can decide what you are willing to accept.

Times have changed. Over 50 percent of marriages fail I recently read. Maybe it is because people marry for all the wrong reasons, maybe marriage is just outdated now.

I do understand your point of view and I don't think you are being selfish.

Maybe it is a matter of why fix it if it ain't broke?

Thank you Jake2008, you seem to be a very wise person. Maybe I'll try to put it out of my mind for a while and see how I feel in a few months...

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he has changed his mind and doesn't want to get married now. He says he wants us to stay together but not get married and he doesn't really have a reason.

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I think his lack of a good reason is at the root of your problems as its very hard to understand what someone is thinking when they do not have a reason for there change of mind.

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I know I sound selfish and stupid and yes it is just a piece of paper but

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No you don't, you thought you had an agreement, and find out YEARS later that its been changed.

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I would just love him to stand before our families and friends and declare his love for me...

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Maybe a compromise can be reached where he does just that, just a suggestion.

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We discussed it and agreed on it years ago I just keep getting this feeling of "Whats wrong with me? why aren't I good enough to marry?"

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Without knowing the reason he changed his mind, don't take it personally. I do understand your feelings, and maybe he does not.

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I would love to have the same last name as my children without having to change it by depoll.

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Again, a compromise can be reached, if your both willing to share with each other.

I think your entitled to know why he changed his mind, and I think that knowledge would help you greatly, in going forward. He may have a good reason, but will never know until you find out.

Personally, he may be afraid of changing what he has grown comfortable with, as it seems to work.

If you love him and he loves you and things are working and the children are happy, then just let it rest. Be happy that everyone involved is happy. Maybe one day you will get a surprise and he will propose. But putting pressure on him might only make matters worse. Ask him why he has had a change of heart and just try to be open and understanding. Then let it rest a while.

I have asked him why he has changed his mind and he said "I don't know I just have". Seems to me he does know why but doesn't want to tell me. Maybe we don't have the open relationship I thought we had. For now I will just have to live with it, as financially it is not possible for the children and I to leave and have a good quality life. I am the point of, I made my bed now I have to lie in it... but not forever.

Whatever... You said you were going to let it rest for a while.

Why can the man just change his mine for any reason or no reason or does not know the reason.

Women change their mind all the time, but that is okay. When A guy does it he has hell to pay.

Do not get it. You need to chill and start counseling. For yourself.

I have been with my partner for over five years, we raise both of my children together and we have a wonderful relationship.

That said, I completely understand the desire to get married and the outside pressure of friends and family that can make the relationship seem less then solid when he isn't willing to make the final step.

I have struggled with the situation myself, as there aren't clear answers for the hesitation. I know that while I increase the pressure for marriage, he pushes further against it. (Stubborn personality) Although it is heartbreaking when you know that you would rather be with that person then without it is easier to let the relationship take it's course.

Without the pressure maybe he will be more willing to step up. Like my partner has said to me, he feels the pressure of my expectations because I constinently want an answer to 'why not?'.

Just keep in mind that you don't want to pressure someone into wanting you to be their wife. Be content and happy in the fact that you have a good relationship and let him know you are comfortable waiting for him to be ready. Maybe giving him back the advantage will help, maybe not.

There are men that seriously contemplate the responsibility of marriage, you should be happy that he is so responsible and not heart strong. In a time of divorce at all time highs, people need to seriously weigh the commitment of marriage, it is for a lifetime. Some men have a harder time with this.

Good luck to you, keep us posted, as I seriously do understand how you feel. :D

You aren't wrong to feel a need to be married. You are not wrong to feel cheated that he said he'd marry you and now he will not. Whatever his reasons, your feelings are legitimate and valid and marriage does have a great deal of value. That's why it's so important to many gay couples to have a right to marry. If something happens to him you will have no say over his medical care, cannot visit him in intensive care, will not be entitled to collect his social security or death benefits. He cannot put you on his company health insurance. There are tax benefits you cannot get. And the same is true in reverse.

There are also probably emotional and social reasons you want to be married. Perhaps it's important among your friends and family that your family relationships be legitimized through a formal marriage. The blessing and what it stands for are not without meaning to most people. Perhaps people view the relationship as "less than" marriage, and wonder why he will not marry you... wonder why you stay with him. I can understand wanting to put a stop to that.

Just know that if it's the wrong relationship, putting four more years into it is not a good investment. Don't put more time in if the time passed has not resulted in the relationship you want and need. The decision you need to make is whether you want to be married to someone who wants to be married to you, or if you are totally OK in bypassing marriage for the rest of your life to remain in this undefined live-in relationship.

Personally, I would have moved on because I could not take being with a man that long who was not just dying to marry me and make it official. But I also know a lot of people who don't need marriage to be perfectly content, or flat out don't want it.

In any event he shouldn't toy with you by lying that he will marry you and then not doing it. So, I personally would leave him and move on with someone who shared my values and goals for my family. But nobody can decide if that's what you should do, except for you.