Ask Me Help Desk - Is she worth any feelings I have about missing out?

Well, hopefully this isn't too long but I have a lot on my mind currently.

So I have been dating my girlfriend for over 4 years now, we have been dating since the 10th grade. Nothing in particular has sparked this, but just seems that over time I have changed. I want to try different things which is completely normal. We get along great, rarely fight, and as far as most normal relationships go, its going great. We like to hang out together, or with friends. Being apart at different colleges has allowed our relationship to grow and mature. Specifically being apart has not become that big of deal, well at least for me. Sure I miss her, but I have the understanding that it is just for another 2 years, and by that age I would have no problem living with her and being together. Recently she has been kind of pressuring me to transfer, and I am noticing more and more that I like it here more than I thought. I know the distance is hard but she seems to be a much more needy person than me. Meaning, when we talk about being apart it seems to kill her. I want to transfer I think more to make her happy. I am a person who hates to see the people he cares about unhappy, and I tend to put it over my own happiness. Being at college and growing up has sort of taught me to cut that foolish behavior out. I don't want to transfer and I don't know how to tell her as I know she will be crushed, I guess I just need to suck it up and go for it.

We do talk about marriage and kids, and jobs, and life and we really do get a along great. I look forward to all this and am not afraid of it. I have noticed more and more lately how different our interests are though. She would say me putzing around the internet reading about stirling engines and stuff is sort of wasting time. I would say well you sit on a couch and watch a baseball game for 3 hours and I could argue the same thing to her. Not that I don't like sports, played them my whole life, we are both very active humans but I don't base my life around it like her entire family does. So it is annoying to seem like my passions have to take back seat almost always, but also I'm interested in some more advanced engineering things so maybe this is normal.

however, I am going to school to be an engineer, she is doing media and communications, on a pre law program. I come from a modest home, my father is a teacher, he makes good money doing it but I'm still a middle class kid with 3 brothers. 4 boys, I know god bless my mother. Anyway, she's from a definitely well off household, and I have had amazing experiences because of it. That's not why I like her by any means and not what I'm trying to get across, but sometimes I think because of this she loses touch with reality. Part of this being her somewhat spoiled world she lives in, which is different than mine. I have trouble saying no, and I don't want money to be the reason I can't do things... Anyway rambling a little, but the money difference I think does have an affect on me... She is great and offers to pay for things and she knows, I am just a college kid and appreciates I try.

Really a great girl, but maybe this is the main reason for my doubts. I feel like maybe I am missing out on things in college. I think I could spend my life with her and be just fine. Perhaps regret I didn't get to play the field since she was my first girlfriend and first really everything. Up until now its just been something I have been willing to deal with in order to be with her forever and all time, but more recently I don't know. I greatly disagree with the oh your just young advice, but I do feel like if we met a little later in life it would be perfect. Although I'm not sure if she met me and I was more like how I might want to be he would even give me a second glance... I have met several girls here at school who are really cool and honestly have more in common with me which is what is troubling. Because maybe the one and only I think I have isn't really that and just the first girl you know?

I am incredibly attracted to her and definitely see her as more than a friend relationship, but at the same time we are best friends. We are that couple everyone is like o they are getting married, and sometimes its annoying. Of course we have tiffs here and there, but for the most part we get along great, which is what is confusing to me. Why do I have an ounce of uncertainty with a for the most part great girl. Everyone has their own flaws and she is no exception. I almost wish we would fight or be that couple that breaks up a few times a year so it would make sense. I don't even really know what I am asking here, but I feel really confused about the relationship as a whole. Is there nothing wrong I just need to let out how I feel more?

I think my biggest problems are that she seems to be controlling and even somewhat manipulative, and that seems to be kind of burned into her personality. The other issue is our interests. I like sports as much as most people, but coming from a family raised in sports she is crazy about them. Now dream girl for most people, and I appreciate this, but also she has problems listening to me. I can pay attention even if I'm not interested, I will have the courtesy to listen, and be active in what she is saying, but it seems like she doesn't even try to listen to me. Granted I am nerdy but it bothers me so much that I cannot have a conversation with her about things that I am very passionate about. We have talked about it and it just kind of seems to happen again.

Also we are both very motivated people and active people, we have set individual goals and goals for us as a couple and that doesn't intimidate me. I think maybe I am most concerned about meeting other people. I think I did miss out on some things in high school because of her trust issues with me, and even my freshman year of college. Now we have talked about partying and stuff and it has become less of a problem, so I am noticing the things I missed out on more and more, and I wonder if there is more. I don't want to end it and have it be the biggest mistake of my life, and regret it more than not doing some things, or playing the field... But then again maybe I missing someone else?

Finding a best friend other than my girlfriend, you know living in an apartment and having fun random roommate memories. I have several friends in high school, before I started dating this girl we hung out all the time, best friend kind of thing and I think maybe also being with her has taken away from my ability to have best guy friend. Like the "i love you man" movie theme kind of thing. Being away at school allows me to kind of do this, similar to a single life and it doesn't seem so bad really. Being my own self on my own where people don't know me or her.

In summary our relationship is strong and has a strong foundation. Nothing really seems to be wrong with it and yet I still feel like I'm 'missing out' on something. Like its not quite completely right, and that the piece is not something we can work at... I am somewhat afraid of wasting my time. Only have a few college years and I don't want to look back and regret not being able to really have experienced them quite the same. But obviously don't want to regret losing her, because I know if I were to seriously end it, that would be it.

Well this has gone on long enough, I know its long, but I just really needed to get it out. If anyone feels like reading it all thanks, and more thanks if you have any input for me, or any advice at all. I am sure I have more to say, but I will save it for peoples questions or new comments.

Also I just thought of this while reading someone else's story. One of the lame on/off relationships I despise. Anyway it seems when I try to tell her things that upset me, or if something upsets me I am a jerk for saying it to her, or I am ridiculous for feeling that way and I should get over it. Occasionally she will say something I disagree with and it seems like she is just sort of picking a fight. Of course I am going to respond you know? I am not some blindly obedient dog who will take your and just agree with whatever lame insignificant thing it is your blaming me of. And it is frustrating because even if I tell her that, then I'm deemed ridiculous. Seems like it has to be her way or no way, which plays on the spoiled aspect of her life I think. I mean I could tell her to grow up and not be a spoiled child, but something like that may be more hurtful than not saying it no?

I understand where your coming from, I met my ex when I was in the 9th grade and we were together for 7yrs... All those years I felt a little jealous that I didn't do the party deal, or get to experience different relationships. It made me think about my relationship at the time a lot. I also remember wishing that I would have met him later down the road.

I loved him more then anything we were engaged but I wasn't sure if I was actually ready & I never made plans or set a date... I just had this curiosity about everything as well and looking back at my situation I'm sure he felt the same way even though he never told me. But as I started my new job, he started to get controlling and I felt as though I wasn't living my own life. I didn't get to do what I felt I could do at the time.

We ended up breaking up and I moved on and got to do whatever it was I wanted & after all that was out of my system I felt empty. I felt as though it wasn't a big deal as everyone made it out to be, in some ways I regretted leaving him but in other ways it was the best thing I could do, because I got to be my own person and experience different things and have friends and did things he never was into.

I eventually met someone else who was similar to me and we started dating but a lot of the times I think about my ex and just wonder what could have been...

I suggest you tell her how you feel. Maybe moving to her college isn't such a great idea. You said you were happy with your present college if she cares about you then you can continue to go there & she will just have to wait 2yrs. I was with my ex for so long and loved him dearly I would have made the effort with no complaints to drive however long to where he was. It's a sacrifice people do to keep each other happy.

I got news for you. Your both still growing, and learning so I think you should just be yourself, and stand for what you think is right. No relationship is ever perfect, and requires plenty of hard work, through honest expression in a thoughtful respectful way, and making adjustments, when necessary.

You also have to know that none of us is perfect, we all have our quirks that will drive our partners crazy, but we learn how to deal with them, and whatever else life throws at us, and trust me, life is good at creating storms, and chaos in our lives.

The important thing is not to over react to things that can be worked on. I think if you feel that something needs to be expressed do so, because it's the willingness to work together that will make or break a relationship.

Believe it or not, despite our more than 30 year history together, we still pi$$ each other off, and get on each others nerves, but we know the storm is temporary and the sun shine again eventually.

I think as long as you keep the perspective of being willing, and have communications going, and just keep working, you will be fine.

My advice, stay flexible, and open minded. (and stay at the school your at)

Nothing I can really add to Tal's post, he summed it all up in there. If you want a successful relationship you are going to have to understand there will be arguments, its how you handle them that is going to be the difference maker. The two C's for every relationship, communication and compromise

You stated your girlfriend is spoiled, controlling, and you can't talk to her about things you feel you can. These are all red flags. You should be able to have an open converstion with her without her putting you down. If you can't how is the relationship going last and grow? You can tiptoe around her feelings forever because you have feelings too and they shouldn't be ignore.

Practice saying "no" since your having difficulty doing so. You can be the "Yes" man forever because you think if you said no your partner going be mad but meanwhile they have no problem telling you no. There was a movie about this when the guy went through life saying yes to everyone until he learned to say no. It was a comedy and it was funny. I can't think of the name but it will come to me.

I think it is time to have a long overdue talk with your girlfriend and it is time to let it all out instead of keeping your feelings/thoughts bottling in. Keeping your feelings bottle in will only lead to stress and more problems. Stres can lead to health problems. So let it all out.

You sound like a pretty levelheaded guy, and I just want to elaborate on a couple of things. While communications is the key, learning how is to talk and listen to each other is probably the whole key. How to talk, when to listen, when to vent, and recognizing when to shut up some times. Giving your partner space to be themselves is so crucial, and the greatest danger of all in my opinion, taking thinks so personally, you are distracted to what they are really saying.

That's why its important to always have the confidence in yourself, so when she calls you names you can it, and still appreciate her strong opinionated expressions of your A$$, and it won't reduce you to a whimpering idiot, who needs mommy for comfort. That's probably her venting her emotions, and that's not really a bad thing. It goes back to being strong enough to handle it, and self confident enough to not let it get you. She will love it when your strong enough to deal with it. So don't be discouraged when she freaks, (guys freak out too, to be fair) nor make it an excuse to freak with her, but let her get it out a take a bit of time as the emotional dust settle.

Don't expect to do it right all at once, it takes a while. You have plenty of time, there is no hurry.

End of soapbox!

Hey thanks for the answers and so quickly!

I think more than anything I was just kind of concerned with not meeting new people, but in the past week or so I think I have actually been able to solve some things that were bothering me. Just got to take care of this college business.

Other than I cannot wait to see my girlfriend and enjoy the snuggie's we got each other! If anyone is interested in them I would not order it online, go to target... it was a pain they charged me twice.

-theengineer

Threads merged and edited

Hello again,

I finally got home from college and am excited to see and hang out with her and I still have these weird feelings. For the most part as I have described before our relationship is a healthy one, we get a long great and like each other a lot, her family loves me and mine loves her, and our friends would all tell you we have the best relationship. We have been dating for almost 5 years and I just don't know anymore. I was driving home from her house this evening and was just thinking I don't know if I love her anymore... I'm not sure I have ever thought that before.

More than once I have noticed our lives going different directions and us being different people. But tonight while I was driving I was thinking about who I am. When I am at school I'm a different person. I am my own self, but I noticed as soon as I came home I was how I always have been with her, since high school when we started dating. Now at this point I don't know if what is wrong is something we can even talk about and work out, if it just me not loving her anymore, or if it just some random feelings I am having that will pass. If I were to even bring it up it would be the end of our relationship and I don't know if I want that. She is a great a girl and I don't want to make the biggest mistake of my life that I will regret for all time...

We get along great and there is nothing wrong with our relationship, as far as she can tell or I can really tell, so this would be a huuuge surprise to her and break her heart, as well as mine... I also kind of feel like we are better friends then partners. I am very much physically attracted to her but I have noticed after sex a few times I have felt kind of like more a just friendship attachment to her and that kind of scares me.

I think from high school she kind of held me back from being myself a little and I do regret it a little, but up until now I didn't care because I still had her. But now college is going by so fast and I think I'm missing it, but even more so I am afraid of not being myself. I don't know if she feels like I'm holding her back at all but at times I feel like that. That the changes I'm going through at college and from growing up aren't being expressed when I'm with her. We go back to our same old relationship and same old groove...

On the other hand I can spend hours with her on a couch watching a movie and I'm still happy, or go to the park or to a movie or do anything. Which goes back to the getting along great and healthy relationship. It seems to work fine, but have these feelings deep inside that maybe were wasting our time. Its already been almost 5 years and I don't know what kind of person I would be without her because I have really grown with her in my life... 15-20 years old, crucial developmental years I think. Im just confused as to why I feel this way. Its driving me crazy that I am not completely in this anymore and I don't know why. Is it possible to just kind of fall out of love and does that mean that's not what it was in the first place? I just don't want to make the biggest mistake of my life, so I am really struggling with how to feel, what to express to her, and how to deal with all of this.

This is a great forum and I thank anyone who bothers to read this whole thing and even more so to give some meaningful helpful advice...

- Theengineer

Well, I would say talk to her. If your relationship is fine and dandy and you just don't feel in love with her anymore, maybe you should sit her down and talk to her about it. Maybe she will have some insight on the subject to maybe work things out or possibly talk about how to go your different ways.

It's not wrong to feel like this, I'm sure a lot of people feel this way, you are only 20 years old after all. Even if it hurts her, let her down real easy. This is something you have to discuss with her and if you feel like you're going to end things, it's what you have to do.

What you are feeling is normal, don't let anyone else tell you different. At your age, and older too, it's normal to wonder about what if. Heck I still wonder if I hadn't stayed in my high school relationship as long how many girls I could have dated. How long have you been feeling like this? You should really talk about how you are feeling with your girlfriend and maybe you guys can break out of this rut

Maybe its time to re evaluate yourself, and get to understand why your feeling that way, and what to do about it.

I think your just growing up, and looking at yourself, and life differently, which is natural, and normal, and its best to let your partner in on those growing pains, as she may be having them, too.

It requires some honest communications, and either you work together, or grow apart. Happens to all young people your age, so be honest with yourself, and her, and deal with it. Talk to her, face to face.

As Rome has said pick a good time.

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Originally Posted by theengineer

I don't know what kind of person I would be without her because I have really grown with her in my life... 15-20 years old, crucial developmental years I think. Im just confused as to why I feel this way. Its driving me crazy that I am not completely in this anymore and I don't know why. Is it possible to just kind of fall out of love

Sure it's possible. Happens all the time.

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and does that mean that's not what it was in the first place?

No, even real love changes, especially in the late-teens and twenties.

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I just don't want to make the biggest mistake of my life, so I am really struggling with how to feel, what to express to her, and how to deal with all of this.

You need to be straight-up honest with her about how you're feeling, especially about her immaturity and self-centeredness . If she refuses to discuss it and has a pouty-fit, that's important information. Don't be afraid of it. The biggest mistake of your life would be to suppress the real you because you're afraid she can't or won't accept it. Better to find it out now than after ten years, a couple of kids and a mortgage.

Honestly, I'm thinking you're already gone. Don't worry about regret. You'll never know where the road not taken would have led, but you don't have to regret the road you take, whichever one it is.

Yea, thanks aj, I guess maybe I should... Its just I'm not sure I am ready to call it off, and I know her, if I tell her how I am feeling its prob going to end, so Im not sure if I'm ready yet. I think I have some more feelings to work out. Thanks for responding!

- Theengineer

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Originally Posted by theengineer

yea, thanks aj, I guess maybe I should... Its just im not sure I am ready to call it off, and I know her, if I tell her how I am feeling its prob gonna end, so Im not sure if im ready yet. I think i have some more feelings to work out. thanks for responding!

I know you're trying to protect her feelings, but you have to talk to her face to face. Just because it seems harsh doesn't mean you have to tell it as such. Just let her know how you've been feeling lately, letting her know that you still love her and still want to work on the relationship.

If you keep this bottled up, it'll blow at some point but you have the control to release it right now, as you should. She deserves to know, you just need to be honest with her. You never know, this might make you guys have an even stronger bond.

Either way, don't hide it, let her know how you feel.