This is my first posting on this sight. I have been married for just over a year and like most couples, it has been very challenging to say the least. We are currently in a bit of a fight, but its not the fight that worries me, its what she recently said that is dis-heartening to me and may answer the questions as to why she has done some of the things in the past and is the way she is.

Long story short a few months ago my brother-in-laws mom had had a surprise party for her 50th birthday. I told my wife and she didn't really say too much. Now my brother-in-laws mom didn't make it to our wedding reception (can't remember why) and because of this she is holding a grudge and doesn't want to go to anything involving my brother-in-law's mom. Anyway, a few weeks later I asked her if she was going and she no because of her not coming to our reception. Since I see my family once every 2 months or so and she see's them less then that then I asked if she could go just to see my family since they are all going to be there and because I wanted her to go. She ended up not going, I took a bus for 2 hours (we have one vehicle), had to lie to them my wife couldn't make it because she was working, go to the party for 3 hours then came back home (another 2 hour bus trip). My wife just recently has been offered a job where she will have each weekend off. We were talking about if she should take it and her main concern was not that we would see each other less but that she would not have be able to use work as an excuse to not go to things like my family events. She then brought up the 50th birthday party for my brother-in-laws wife and how she says I tried to "guilt trip her" in to going when all I did was ask if she could go because I wanted her to go with me and I would really appreciate it. Her respnse to that was "I should never have to do anything I don't want to do". This is what has me upset.

It sounds normal enough I know but to me being in a marriage you have to be willing to do things you really don't want to do to make the other person happy. I go shopping with her once a week to make her happy, I rub her feet almost every night to make her happy, we watch what she wants to watch every night on TV to make her happy. Does she really think these are things that I want to do? I have heard many other statements come out of her mount but I don't know if its selfishness or immaturity. Examples:

- would not take my last name despite me being the only son in my family, told me at the alter she was going to take my last name, then re-nagged when we got back from our honeymoon
- related to the last name thing, we talked about our future children's last names and she said that "I have no say in the last name of our kid since she is the one that has to sacrafice her body"
- told me to "just take care of her" and everything will be good
- my family had Christmas dinner last year and she had to work but yet forbidded me to go because she couldn't and said "my family is always making plans without her and not including her"

These are just some recent things. I guess I just want to know how to deal with someone who only thinks about there happiness and if some of its immaturity will it eventually go away?

Why did you get married?

Tell her you want a divorce. Mean it. That will solve all of your problems, one way or another.

Wow... I'm in almost the same situation, but I am not yet married, but engaged.

My fiancé does not like to go out with my family or friends because she feels like a tag along. She does not get on well with my sisters, she has a bad attitude towards a lot of things, and is not willing to compromise. I'm doing anything and everything I can to make things work with her, to make her happy, but if she doesn't want to do something, she just won't.

This is why I'm on the verge of telling her my concerns and feelings about the way she is, but I don't want to upset her and make her feel bad. She always tells me I guilt her into doing things and going places, but I agree with the OP, sometimes in a relationship you have to do things you don't really like doing, to make your partner happy.

I love her and I don't want to lose her, but I don't know what to do either, so any advice you can give the OP, I will take notice of it too. Thanks

It doesn't sounds like your wife really cares about your wants or needs. Only her own and that is called being selfish.

You do all the compromising while she does none and to make the icing on the cake she gives you a list of commands to follow.

This doesn't sounds like much of a marriage and I can't see you going on like this for the next 5 years. Sooner than later your going get sick of her if she doesn't change.

Sadly, some people don't realize what they have until it is gone.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by BlackVY

Wow... I'm in almost the same situation, but I am not yet married, but engaged.

My fiance does not like to go out with my family or friends because she feels like a tag along. She does not get on well with my sisters, she has a bad attitude towards alot of things, and is not willing to compromise. I'm doing anything and everything I can to make things work with her, to make her happy, but if she doesn't want to do something, she just wont.

This is why I'm on the verge of telling her my concerns and feelings about the way she is, but I don't want to upset her and make her feel bad. She always tells me I guilt her into doing things and going places, but I agree with the OP, sometimes in a relationship you have to do things you don't really like doing, to make your partner happy.

I love her and I don't want to lose her, but I don't know what to do either, so any advice you can give the OP, I will take notice of it too. Thanks

---

You need to express your feelings to her because if you don't now when will you? When your married?

Are you going continue being the one doing all of the compromising because you want to be her happy and hurt her feelings? What about your happiness and feeling?

Your suppose keep walking on eggshells around her feelings? I must tell you your starting wrong. How is your marriage going work if your afraid to communicate with her. Your wife is suppose to be your best friend among anything else. And marriage doesn't change the problem it only cost more. We all know marriage is easy to get into but a journey to get out of it.

Think before you leap and start communicating. If she gets mad then all well. If I can't openly express myself to my partner then I don't need to be with him let alone marry him.

Family, so she does not want to go and see your family, she does not have to, you go to your family events, in fact I would wonder why you would do 4 hours on a bus for a 3 hour party to start with, for a person that is not even closely related to you,

And your brother in laws mother, not coming to your wedding? Why should she, she is not even closely related.

Seems you are making way too much out of this.

Taking last name, why should she? Many women don't, why did you not change your last name to hers ? Because you did not want to, she is not owned by you, she is a partner, a separate person at times who has the right to do or not do something's also.

For the TV, set up your night and her night perhaps,

Sounds like you are wanting a lot of things "your way" and I am sure she may have a list of things she has against you also.

Time for some marriage counseling

She told you that she didn't have to do something that she didn't want to yet she has the right to tell you that you can't do something? She's being really selfish and not thinking about your needs at all. Relationship is about give and take. It's not about take take take... She needs to change her selfish attitude and get a positive outlook on things, she had better start walking.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Fr_Chuck

Family, so she does not want to go and see your family, she does not have to, you go to your family events, in fact I would wonder why you would do 4 hours on a bus for a 3 hour party to start with, for a person that is not even closely related to you,

And your brother in laws mother, not comming to your wedding ?? why should she, she is not even closely related.

Seems you are making way to much out of this.

Taking last name, why should she ?? many women don't, why did you not change your last name to hers ? because you did not want to, she is not owned by you, she is a partner, a seperate person at times who has the right to do or not do somethings also.

For the TV, set up your night and her night perhaps,

sounds like you are wanting alot of things "your way" and I am sure she may have a list of things she has against you also.

Time for some marriage couseling

---

The reason I went to the family event was because my father, sister and nephews were all there, and since I never get to see them it was an opportunity to have everyone in the same room. Its not that big of a deal. I just wish she would have considered going because I really wanted her to. Now 3 months later she is all of a sudden telling me I tried to guilt trip her into going and doing something she didn't want to do. I just don't think it normal to live by "I refuse to have to do something I don't want to do". Then again, maybe your right and I am over reacting.

As for the last name thing, it wasn't that she didn't change her last name, it was the fact that she lied to me at the alter, on our weddng day, in front of family and friends. I have no problem that she is not changing her last name, but it is a problem when someone tells you that as the father of a child I have no say in our child's name.

Good idea on the TV thing but it won't work. We have two TV's in the house but she is so afraid of being alone that she has gotten upset with me for going in the other room and watching the end of a basketball game for 5 minutes instead of being in the same room as her and watching her shows.

BlackVY... I understand how you feel. I also don't like to say things in fear of upsetting her. When you argue a fair amount with someone, and those arguments seem to drag on for a few days at a time, it makes you not want to bring something up that might upset them when you are getting along. Problem that I am finding though is that everything seems to come out in a heated argument and can come out more hurtful then you really meant it to. Plus I find myself to be more short tempered and moody then ever before because of it as well.

If you think of marriage as long term then it is best to communicate and let them know any issues you have in the risk of an argument occurring. It may be tough now but hopefully after a few bumps in the road it will smooth itself out and be for the better. But again, much easier said then done. In your case I would be sure to talk to your fiancé before the wedding.

I have a hard time suggesting divorce but seriously, I can't believe you actually married her. Its better to cash in the chips now instead of after you have kids.

Everything you have mentioned is a glitch, to be worked out over time, by you both, they key is communications. That's what will make the difference, as all humans have differences of opinions. You talk, listen, and work it out, IF YOUR WILLING! If not, there is no relationship.

Hard to believe you didn't know how she felt about her family, before you married, and unrealistic to think she would change.

Don't get into arguments with her.
Ask her and then leave her reply a simple yes or no.
Don't make excuses when she doesn't go. Just say she didn't feel up to it and leave it go at that.
You don't know whether it is selfishness or immaturity. I'd say a mature person wouldn't be as selfish as she is.

I think that your wife sounds like a control freak - e.g. she won't allow you to be in another room watching TV because she's afraid?

Afraid of what? Not being able to control your movements, I suppose.

It sounds as if you need to begin to set some boundaries. Yes, it will be hard because up until now, you've allowed her to call the shots.

But, think about it... is this the way you want to live? You may as well hand her your gonads and a hammer.

Man up! Start by watching what you want on TV. Ask for YOUR feet to be rubbed. Visit your family when YOU want - if she 'forbids' you, laugh at her. If she makes a fuss, leave the room. Don't allow her to play emotional games with you, if she starts carrying on, about how awful you are just say, 'that's your perception'.

Don't allow someone to control you life - even your wife.

Good luck.

Try to make her understand, go to counseling, keep the incidences in a journal and refer back to them to show her how many times you have compromised when she hasn't. It is important however, if you are trying to keep this a healthy happy marriage, to not make her feel attacked or closed in on this will make her feel hesitant to communicate and be very defensive instead of listening to you and trying to work things out.

Although these actions are BOTH selfish and immature, hopefully you can work through them, although she will not grow out of them, making her realize when she is being difficult and out of line may help.

There's nothing wrong with her keeping her last name but everything is wrong with her claiming she was going to and then backing out. She's using a potential honor as a weapon to hurt you to the core. Saying you have no say in the names of your children? It will not stop there. She will also not say you should have an opinion on how they are raised and disciplined, whether they shoud pick up their toys, whether they should get allowance and so on. And her attempts to keep you from your family and friends (it's not about her not wanting to go, it's about her trying to control you). Well, just wait - when you have kids with her, she'll try to keep your family and friends from the children, as well.

You can look forward to a life of hell with this self-serving person. You can call it immature but my 14 year old has more sense than this, and has since he was about 5 or 6 years old, so I really think it's not about maturity but rather about bad character, which doesn't change with time.

I hate divorce, but you havce no children yet - get out now and start over. There are better women out there, and a lot of them would cherish you.

Its been a straight week of fighting and it all started by my wife an I talking about the future. She seems really confused now, as she is currently a nurse, makes good money and says she like her job. We are currently looking into buying a house but now she talks about travelling to Europe, or going back to school. Basically, she seems all over the map. I said I will support her if she wants to go back to school or go see Europe for a month, what ever makes her happy. The we started talking about my situation, I got promoted to a Supervisior position about 6 months ago, love my job and continue to work hard towards becoming a Manager, which realistically isn't going to be possible for a couple of years. I said right now I love what I do, never have a day I don't want to go to work and plan on trying to work my way up the corporsate ladder. She told me that its wrong for me to be content with my job and that I have to find a way to "improve myself" like she plans on doing by going back to school (which she doesn't even know for what yet). I told her my plan is to work hard and move up the ladder and that I have never been one to just come in, work my 9-5 and go home. She told me that I won't be able to do it (ever become a Manger that my goals aren't good enough. I worked for 8 years to work my way up to a Supervisor and having someone who is supposed to support you tell you its not good enough 6 months after you reached your short term goal is dis-heartening.

First, how is loving your job/ career a bad thing? What is wrong with my future goals? Why is going back to school the only way to "improve yourself"? Why is being happy such a bad thing?

It got to the point where I am now furious because she makes me feel bad for being happy and that she actually told me that I am not good enough for her because I am content with my job and have no future goals or ambition to "improve myself". I really can't stand to talk to her right now as every conversation is the same and one thing I hate in life is people who feel they are too good for others as that makes them stuck up and snobby in my opinion. Its so much worse that its my wife who is like this.

I guess I don't know how I am supposed to be with someone who wants something differewnt in life and feels that I am not good enough for them. Usually our fights end within a day or two because I end up apologizing or agreeing with her, but I can't bring myself to be apologetic for this.

Is there something I am missing? How do I get through to her?

Well all I can say is good for you being so happy in your job. Stick with it. You have reached one goal and your working towards your next goal. Don't feel guilty because your happy. You said she was all over the map with what she wants to do. Maybe she is just jealous your happy and content and she is still unsettled. I mean she is going to go to school, or go to another country? These are from one end to the other in what she wants to do. Now that's crazy in my thinking. Be happy and stay happy. Let her drift around in life because honestly she doesn't sound happy at all. She should support you no matter what. But don't let her bring you down for reaching a goal.

A physical break is needed when two people who are on completely different pages, can't communicate well enough to compromise.

Its important to re-evaluate your situation, without her influence and conflict.

I mean, you can't agree on anything can you? What's for dinner??

Now you know why guys go fishing for 3 days, to regroup, without pressure.

Reality can be cruel, deep inside you know what happening but hope to have someone provide you a magic wand to solve the issue. You feel things should be the other way. If there is no children involved you should follow your heart, if there is children involved, follow the children.