Greetings to those who read, This will be long...
Nestorian here with an issue I thought I would find an answer to of my own accourd, but for the life of me I can not. My family is a very sore spot for me, as it is pretty much a group of starngers to me. Not even sure I can love them any more.
Each member of my family is dealing with any number of issues, or avioding them what ever you figure. I have dealt with all four of them, as best as I could/ can, but I"m running out of energy and i"ve no where to turn, as I'm unemployed, still working through bipolar coping skills. I've pushed every one so far away I don't know if they even exsist and I don't really talk to any of my friends any more.
My Father: Drinks way too much, 24 in a night, and every weekend, and some times weekdays. He can barely afford food, as my sister took him some of our food the other day. I paid $620 of our rent, she paid 155, to make $775. I also bought our groceries, $117. She hasn't got much money because of her job, I'll get back to that later. So, my Dad comes and asked me for 20, I figure OK he needs it till tomorrow, his payday, but he asked me for another 20 when he saw I had 40. It was my emergency money, but I gave it any way. He did pay me back the next day, but that same day he had my sister over "to help move things". That was when my step mom called me to come get my sister, as she was wasted. I was trying to go to a movie with a friend. (On a Happier note, I wasn't entirly dissapointed with the wolverine movie. I thought they did an OK job, and made the story line interesting, as they did change it from the actual story but it was OK. Also, who ever played James' wife, she was pretty cute. And it had some funny parts.)
Any way, lets go back in time too 1999. My father meets a girl, my step mom whom was in an abusive relationship before she met us, and they get to drinking. This was when I was in grade 9. Every weekend, drinking. I learned then to stay in my room so I didn't have to hear the same BS every damn time. I spent most of my time a lone and kept to myself. Then my bipolar kicked in, and things got messed up. I started smoking pot, drinking, and going to parties and joining in the party at my father's. Then around late 2000 I slowed and finally just stopped as I didn't find joy in anything. I stopped talking to people and just issoalted myself, except when the next door people's kids came over to party with my dad, I'd take them away from all that none sense, and play games with them. I really only had my PS2 then. I think that's the only thing I really remember in those years. Watching my father kill himself; or as he says, "It's how I Be myself!", it not my idea of fun. How do I deal with some one who won't give up the booze?
When I was in grade 11, my step sister came to live with us as she was in foster care because her father was not very nice, any way she and I talked with My father and there mother about a year after she'd lived with us. During this talk I was asking my father to stop drinking so often, or to slow down, and so on. She and I ended up moving out that night, and missed school the next day. My mother came and picked us up and took us to my brothers, where we stayed until the week ended. I felt that I had failed, I know I didn't, but nothing I ever do stops me from feeling that I failed them. As, I know you can not help those who do not help themselves, I still don't get why living my own life has to hurt so much, just trying to move on and let it be.
I"m not perfect and I do drink too, which is really stupid on my part as I'm Bipolar, taking 3 different medications, one of which is pretty much a mild form of speed. However, I've studied up on Alcohol and I know, that drinking is managable and doesn't have to be excesive. No more than one drink in an hour, no more than 5 in a night, and never on an empty stomic, or when i'm overly tired, and be mindful of my thoughts, feelings, and actions. Aslong as i keep to this i'm good, i only drink once a week, if that, as i've said i don't get out much. I perfer not to drink any way, but i don't know any one I can stand to be around that doesn't make me feel low because of my Bipolar, or various other reasons. (I"m not very trendy, nor confident.) Any way, I dislike Alcholo a lot, and what it does to people, as well as how it impacts society so negatively. But as most tell me, every one has their choice; my question is, then why do we need LAW and Order?:confused: Kind of foolish to say you are free to choose, when in the end they are imprisoned for making some choices. Perhaps we should stop expressing this "right" we call freedom and start implementing the rationalization of resposibility, then freedom... I don't know I'm just mad at the world to day I guess.
Lets move on to My muther: Up tight, and negative. Opposite my father. Father is party happy free, and mum is serious, pained, imprisoned. She worries about everything, and never lets things go. She is dependable and would do anything to help my brother, sister or me, but then she doesn't let us live it down. She reminds us how much she does for us and it drives us each in saine. I've been rather rude to her and her husbant (step father), and in the moment I just don't care. As soon as she is on the phone or near me, I go into a very cold and aggressive state of being.
Her husband isn't a bad guy, but he and she are very narrow minded. I recall they made a comment on how I was doing things. I was trying to figure out my financial situation for school, and he said something like, "Well your bills should come first..." I siad, "I know." but I also knew if I didn't spend the money on doing something with myself I'd end up as I have. They went off the deep end telling me I'm irresponsible , etc. Paying for self defence classes was not being irresponsible, it was the one thing I did for me, and the only time I really got out and socialized. They disagreed. It's their way or no way, and so I told them, "Only a fool's sure of them self." and walked away. They didn't like that one bit and since then, like a year ago, I avoid them at all costs. If they visit my sis an I, I go on my computer and put my head phones on so I don't have to talk to them. Stubron, and ignorent and narrow minded. I can not stand them, for they seem to think every one should think and act according to their rules, the old days but they are no more. Respect seems more like a memory that's fading.
They never drink, and don't do much any more. Mother has arthritis (I may also have this, as my joints feel like hers do. Or at least what she describes to me.) and can barely move, took a class to better learn to manage it, but she finnished it and never kept up on it. Their financial situation is like that of my fathers, since step father works in the bush and doesn't want to go back to school, so they are low on money and going broke. Mum wants to be closer to us kids, as she lives out of town and we live in town. She feels lonely and lets us know, but we can't handle being around her as it's depressing agrivating and wears us out seeing her suffer so. She just won't let go though.
My brother: He has tried to be the father figure for a long time, when he was in his early teens. Then dad and mom got together then I was born and dad left again for a time. Then he came back, and paid me all kinds of attention where as my for my brother, the closest he got with my dad was beding kicked out of the way of the Hockey game on T.V. My dad just never really showed him what a father is. He has dated like 3 women, and two of them for a very brief period, the last one turned out to be very harmeful to him. The had 3 cute kids, but don't really watch them very well, nor pay them much attention, my brother on his videogames, her on her T.V. Soaps or drunk. They fight they break up, they get drunk, kiss and make up. They borrow money form any where and every where. They lost their Van because they couldn't pay the bill on it. They have two separate places and drag the kids between the two. My brother only seems happy on pay day, then the rest of the time he is a depressing dark broken shell of a man.
I drove for 4 hours around town, in my mums car, looking for my brother. His GF or what ever she is, called in a frantic voice telling me my bro ran off after the bar, they had a fight, and she wanted a ride. I Didn't give her one as she hung up on me and I didn't know where she was. So I waited for her to call back, when she did she asked if I had found my brother. She got a ride home with a friend. I didn't find my brother in town so I drove the half hour out of town to his other place and he wasn't there. I was falling asleep at the wheel so I drove home and went to sleep, at 5 A.M. The next day he asked for a ride, and I said, "I drove all over town last night looking for you till 5A.M. Since you walked then you can walk now..." Haven't talked to them since, but he still askes my sister to give him rides in our mums car. I don't usually use it, because I don't like accepting mother's help. If I can walk, I will, or take the bus.
The reason I drove around town was because the last time my brother went storming off into the night while under the influence, he was found the next morning out of town in the woods by a police dog. Yeah, aparently he had walked the 20minute drive with out shoes, or a jacket in mid fall. So I did what I had to.
This brings me to my sister: Three times she tried to commit suicide. Three times I dropped what I was doing to rush around and frantically find her a ride to the hospital. The first time, I had just broke up with my first GF whom I was with for 4 years, and I took it really badly. I got a call in the middle of the night, I lived in a town 6 hours away from home, and so I had to wake up various other relatives to find out who could pick her up and take her to the hospital. The second time I was in town and lived with some other people, but had no wheels, so I called up a few people and finnally got her a ride to the hospital. The third time, my drunk father was going to let her sleep I said no, so he brought her to the hospital. Then there were the last few times I"d picked her up, she didnt' try to kill herself, but she was wasted.
I was almost beat by some big guy she had called and was going to go home with him, I stood in his way and said no, i'm taking her home, and possibly to the hospital. He became very aggressive, but my friend, she is a great people person, talked him down. There was a point when he made a fist and made like he was going to raise it, I was ready to toss my siser in the snow, as she'd not be able to get out on her own. Then i planed on pulling my friend back, and using her to give my kick an extra bit of power. I knew I could hurt him, but I wasn't so sure I could take him. Then my sister broke my train of thought when she bit me. Didn't draw blood but just about. She did hit me and all kinds of stuf though, that didn't feel so good, as I couldn't do anything but take it and look at her with serious eyes.
Then the BF she got in a Psych ward. I sold my truck to him, as she and he were moving to another porvince and I had just moved from there and my truck wouldn't have made it through the inspection. $1000 was the deal, I got 200, few months later 100, then 6 months later I got a crapy white car and took 200 off for it. He is agrivating, anxious, aggressive, annoying, bipolar (but doesn't seem to try and get better, thinks he is fine.) and he treats my sister like crap.
Then there is my sister's 15 year old daughter. She is depressed, and there are no counselors to talk to right now. She hides her sadness much better than me, but i can tell her sadness is caused by her father's lack of respect for women, and party habbits. Her mother's Alcoholism, and her gramdmothers reminding her how much of a burden thier kids are on them, and that she is too. She lives with her father's mum and is constently rememind that her Gramd mother does this and that for her, and her son blah blah blah. She is very careless, and doesn't really respect any one. I mean any one, her whole generaltion seems that way though. I've never met any one her age that is, and the ones that seem like it, actually hate people even more, it's scarry.
And the list goes on.
I'm talking to a counseler, I can not move, I can not avoid them/this, they do not listen nor care what I have to say (as I am the youngest, no one thinks i understand.). I try to focus on my life, but i keep being pulled in to this sh_t storm of emotional pain, suffering. I don't really have any friends or other family I can stay with, nor really with stand being around. I don't know if i can find it in me to keep this up for much longer with out having a compleate nervous break down.
Any one with any ideas, I would appericiate any "real suggestions" to solving or even helpng me cope with this problem.
Thank you
May peace and kindness be with you...
P.S. Forgive me for the long winded explanation, and how descriptive I was. I'm sure you didn't need to know that much, but at this point I'm too tired to care.
