Hello folks. This is my first post here, but be warned, it's a bit of a doozy. I am trying to remain as objective as possible when writing this, but I cannot deny that I have a small personal bias. I apologize in advance for the wall of text, but I graciously thank any and all readers who take the time to evaluate the entire situation.

---Due to length, I had to break this into two posts. The link to Part II is at the bottom of this post---

I met my ex when she was 18 years old, during her freshman year at our university. I was 21 at the time, in my junior year. We met casually through an organization, and I invited her over to hang out one night along with a friend of mine. He dropped us off and said he'd be back shortly, but never came back (it was not planned; he simply went to see a movie with his other friends and forgot about us). I was attracted to her, but I knew she had a boyfriend back home so I didn't want to push anything. We ended up hanging out in my bedroom watching movies and exchanging back rubs. That night we fell asleep together cuddling in my bed, and when we woke up the next morning we took a shower together and ended up having sex. Her boyfriend called later on and she confessed, and they broke up right there over the phone in front of me.

Now here's where I made my first mistake. I felt guilty and partly responsible for the breakup, and so I tried to be there to help her get through it. We ended up starting a relationship on this feeble foundation without even really getting to know each other first. I acknowledged this, and talked to her about it openly. I would ask her if she really wanted to go through with it, and I told her I felt like I wasn't giving her a chance to figure out her own emotions. At one point I even told her I felt like I was taking away from her freshman experience. She told me she didn't mind because she would have stayed in her room all day reading books and wouldn't have made any friends. I told her she had no way of really knowing that, but she didn't seem to mind; she seemed perfectly happy to be in a relationship with me.

Here comes my second mistake. A couple of days after the first encounter with my recent ex, one of my previous exes came over to pick up something she had left there before I met my recent ex (I was very sexually active before I met this girl; I'm not bragging, I'm simply stating a fact). I let the previous ex come in, and it was obvious that she wanted more than just her trinket. I actually asked my recent ex to go home so that I could have sex with this previous ex. When my recent ex asked me if I had done anything, I panicked and lied to her about it. Thus, the relationship's foundation was further weakened by deception.

Fast forward three months. My ex had practically moved in with me after a couple weeks of sorting things out. I had been pledging a fraternity at the time, and I hung out with one of the brothers quite a bit along with my ex. One day I came home from classes and my ex wasn't there, so I called to see what was up. She said she was up at the guy's place playing videogames. I said I'd be up to join them, but she said not to worry about it because she'd be home soon. I waited for over an hour, but didn't really keep track of time and didn't think anything of it.

Now fast forward six months. My ex and I had been steadily improving our relationship, working on communication issues and such. We had decided that we should actually start going out on dates, since we had skipped that earlier, so we were spending more time outside the apartment doing things instead of just sitting around doing nothing together. It was the week before finals, and she sent me a text saying that we needed to talk. She confessed to me that she had cheated on me (orally) with the friend from before, and that her reason for not telling me was because she thought we hadn't figured out our relationship at that point. After shooting down that reason (three months was plenty of time to figure it out), she told me she didn't tell me because she thought I would go attack the guy. Now, I recognize that my military background is a bit intimidating, but I am not a violent person at all, and she knew it. Finally she admitted that she was curious about bondage and that I didn't seem interested in it at all when she had first brought it up back then. My "friend" had shown an interest and she had let him tie her up, and she proceeded to give him oral sex.

I was hurt more than anything by the six-month deception, and by then I had completely forgotten about my own mistake (since everything had happened so fast early on). After a few days, I decided that we had already been making huge improvements, and I decided to trust her again since she claimed that nothing had happened since then. So, we decided to stay together, and went back to our respective family homes for the summer. We maintained contact via IM and phone calls, and as the saying goes, "Absence makes the heart grow fonder." I visited her for a week, and it was one of the greatest weeks of my life. I got to meet her family and friends, and from what she told me that all seemed to like me. It was around this time that I remember my initial mistake with my previous ex, so I came clean and told her about what happened. She was sad (understandably so) but ultimately said she forgave me.

We moved back to our school for the next year with high hopes, and decided that we would live together in her apartment even though I had one of my own. I did spend a couple nights in my own room, but she was always with me. My friends had started to notice that we were turning into an "old married couple," but I didn't mind at all. It was about that time that my ex and I started having communication issues again. If there was a problem, my ex refused to discuss it with me, even going as far as curling into the fetal position and saying nothing at all until I left for a period. I have always been a confrontational person when it comes to relationship issues; I feel that if there is a problem, we should sit down and talk it out and come to some sort of compromise if possible. My ex, on the other hand, was the complete opposite; she never wanted to think about any issues. It was part of what made her so endearing to me; she was so affectionate and so mature with some aspects of her life, but with this one it was completely different. Rather than try to force her to open up to me, I learned very quickly that if I gave her enough time and space, she would open up on her own. So things seemed to balance out for a bit, even getting slightly better. She started to open up with her own sexuality, and she had piquéd my curiosity as well. We began discussing the potential for a threesome, though I was a bit concerned when she brought it up.

It was about this time that I made another mistake. I went to a party (without my ex; she was never that interested in partying) that was being hosted by a mutual friend of ours. He and his girlfriend were present, along with one of his girlfriend's female friends. After we all had been drinking for awhile, they decided to turn our drinking game into a stripping game. I decided to join in, and ultimately everyone in the room ended up naked. To distract myself from the situation, I decided that me and my friend would go streaking around the house in the lovely January evening weather. I came back inside, and the girls decided that they were going to "reward" us for the streaking. I ended up making out with this girl and fondling her breasts. I stopped before I went further than that, because even in my alcohol-ridden mind I realized that I was making a mistake. The girl gave me a ride back to my apartment, and I immediately told my ex about it. She was not pleased, and made me crazy for over a week before finally deciding to forgive me (as long as I didn't do it again).

Things seemed to start going downhill again from there, however. She started spending more time with a friend of hers from across the hall who had a huge crush on her. He began inviting her over to hang out, but making a point of saying I wasn't invited. I didn't want to interfere with her friendship with this guy, because I knew she had a really good time hanging out with him. She used to tell me how she could talk to him about anything; even now, thinking about those words stings me a little bit. Finally, I confronted her about it and asked her to tell him to come talk to me, so we could sort everything out. I didn't want to make her choose (maybe I was afraid to?) but I did want to figure out exactly why he disliked me. She said that she brought it up to him, and for a time they stopped hanging out (my guess is he didn't want to face the issue, and she decided not to put a strain on things). Around that time, we had to move everything to my place because of an issue with her roommate.

We had been spending time with a mutual friend from my work place who I had introduced to my ex. My friend had a fiancé and a small child with said fiancé, and my ex would frequently babysit for her when we had to work (drilling with the National Guard). We had all hung out together one night, and with a bit of liquid courage decided to swap partners for back rubs (nothing sexual). The couple days later, my friend and I had to go to a training course, and my ex took on the role of babysitter once again. I called her one night while I was at training before I went to bed, because we had gotten into that routine of talking and saying goodnight every night. She said she would be home shortly and that she was having a conversation with the fiancé. She also asked me if it would be OK to give shoulder/neck rubs, and I said it was (because those are not sexual to us unless you make them so). I waited for two hours for her to call, and finally called her much later on in the evening. She did not answer. I sat up for another half hour waiting, and she finally called me. I calmly asked her what happened, and she told me that she had been talking and massaging and lost track of time. I asked her exactly what happened (a little more pointedly) and she told me that she had ended up in nothing but her panties laying on their bed getting a full-body massage. She claimed it was not sexual, and even to this day does not think she did anything wrong ("Because it wasn't sexual"). My friend was furious (understandably so) and almost ended her engagement along with the friendship with my ex.

---Click here for Part II---

Things seemed to settle down after awhile, but our relationship was not improving. I could not figure out what my ex wanted from me, so I started trying everything I could think of. I had been paying for all the meals and driving my ex around whenever she wanted without really thinking about it, even though my folks were concerned about my rapidly depleting bank account. I started taking all the responsibility of coming up with date ideas, since every time I asked her she said "I dunno, what do you want to do?" or "I don't care, it's up to you." I could tell that she was becoming more and more unhappy, and so I started pushing harder and harder for answers, trying to sort out what was wrong and how I could fix it. She would start getting upset with me, and when she did she wouldn't say that she loved me, even if I said it first (which I almost always did, even from the start). Finally, I felt like I had no way of fixing things, and I made another mistake.

I was at a party (gosh that's how they all start, huh?) but this time I wasn't inebriated at all. I had a great time, and even talked to my ex about it, for which she seemed genuinely happy (as I said she was not much of a partier; she went home and waited to come pick me up). I had been partying into the wee hours of the morning, so I told her not to worry about it and just to come get me in the morning. I crashed at the place, and woke up the next morning to an empty house. After exploring a bit, I found the host (still asleep) and woke her up to say I was leaving. I sat down to talk for her a bit, and I offered her a massage. For reasons that I still do not completely understand, I ended up starting to finger the girl. I stopped after not even a minute, once I snapped back into reality, but the damage was done. My ex came back to pick me up, and I told her about it right there in the van. She cried silent tears, and said nothing for hours other than "leave me alone." Finally, we talked about it, and she said that she forgave me and that if it happened again it was over, no matter what.

The next couple weeks went downhill very quickly. She started spending much more time with her friend from across the hall again, except this time, she wouldn't tell me she was doing it. I had gone home for the weekend, and when I called to talk for a bit she was busy watching a movie with the guy. She said she'd call when it was over, but it took almost 6 hours for her to finally call me. Even then, all she said was that she was tired and wanted to go to bed. Hurt and surprised, I said "so you'll talk to this other guy for 6 hours, but won't spare me 5 minutes?" She said nothing, and I said goodnight without saying I loved her for the first time in... well, maybe for the first time since we'd met.

I regretted my choice, obviously, and tried to talk to her about it when I got home. She was confused, I could tell, and was struggling with what she really wanted. I tried to help her sort it out, even asking her to evaluate our relationship and her happiness. At one point, I asked her to compare her relationship with me to her friendship with the guy across the hall. When I asked her which as more important to her, she said "I don't know." Finally, after another week, we talked about taking a break from each other, but had never really done anything about it. Knowing that she wasn't happy, I asked her straight up if she wanted to "call it quits." She said "I guess" and started crying. That night we slept together, and the next morning we had what I suppose would be considered break up sex. I had wanted to help her move her clothes and bathroom things upstairs, but she ended up going out with the friend from across the hall instead. She came home late, and I let her sleep with me again. The next day, realizing that I was not being treated fairly, I asked her to get everything she needed out of my room and up to hers. We got her clothing and bathroom stuff up, but in the process I had asked her how things were going with the guy and she told me that she had kissed him. I wasn't sure how to respond, but I could not hide the fact that I was hurt. She had told me she wanted to take a break to figure herself out, and we agreed that dating was OK as long as it didn't get physical. She tried to tell me that they were still just friends, but I was not willing to believe that. Finally, she tried to give me a hug and a kiss on the way out, but I pulled away from her. She said "fine" in a hurt tone and stormed back to her door. I said "I didn't want it to be like this." and she said "I didn't either." We said a few more words, but they were irrelevant and didn't do any good.

Later on I emailed her apologizing for my reaction. I told her she could leave her huge TV and her kitchen stuff at my place because they were such a hassle to move, and because I didn't want her to have one more thing to worry about. I realized later on that they were causing more emotional pain for me that I thought, so we agreed to get everything out of my place. I really tried the "No Contact" rule, but I slipped up a couple times. It never ended well; she was always busy with the other guy, or with schoolwork, or with something else. I never asked her again for details about the guy, nor did I ask her about what she was doing or how she was handling the situation. Usually, I would find something of hers, and would text her to see if she wanted it. Finally I realized that it would be an ongoing process, so I started making a small pile of her things. When I thought the last of her things were out of my place, I asked her two simple questions: "Why specifically did you break up with me," and "what do you want for us in the future." She couldn't answer either one, so I asked her to think about it and get back to me when she could.

I started to delve more into Facebook and other distractions, feeding off the support of my friends and family, and of course checking her Facebook page a few times an hour. One day, I noticed that she had changed her profile picture, cleared off her wall, and edited some info, but she left her relationship status as "In A Relationship." This minor little detail ate away at me, made me wonder if she was leaving it that way for me, or for this other guy, or if she just forgot, or maybe she wants me to feel bad, etc. Eventually, I got over it, and then she went on and removed every picture that had the two of us together. Of course, I was still reeling, wondering what it meant (though now looking back it was pretty clear what she was doing) and generally feeling sorry for myself. Finally, she went on and removed me (along with about 40 other people) as friends, completely changed her profile pic again, and locked her profile down so (presumably) only friends could see it. She did all this without a single word to me about what she wanted. I was devastated. I didn't know what to think; I focused so much on what it meant to me that I overlooked a very important fact - she was never a confrontational person. She was never going to give me an answer unless I came right out and asked, so I sent her a simple text asking for a couple minutes of her time. She said it was late, to either ask in text or wait. I asked her "Do you want me completely out of your life" and she said "for now."

So, here I am, pouring out my heart and my whole story to you folks, not even really asking a question as much as just sharing my story. I must say I feel a lot better just writing all that down. It helps me realize that there were many issues early on that I should have addressed from the start, or ended it sooner. But at this point, it doesn't matter. She's always been indecisive, she's always tried to escape her problems. One day she will figure out what she wants, but that won't be any time soon, and I most likely will not be involved. Conversely, I've always been ready to come right out and discuss issues openly, and looking back I put a lot of pressure on her to sort out her emotions quickly and contribute to the relationship more.

Typing all this out has helped me continue to let go of everything. I would love to hear your comments and opinions, and I could even answer a few questions if you want more details (yes, this is actually only a synopsis of events, believe it or not). Thanks again for reading. If you've made it this far, let me congratulate you on your patience and dedication to helping people!

~ Tee

The relationship sounds like it started on a less than ideal foundation. Sort of putting the cart before the horse.

Because there were no mutually agreed upon terms of commitment and many infidelities by both of you, to me it does not sound like a good match, or one that is committed enough to last the test of time.

While she may have been the type of person to not express her feelings very well, perhaps it was because she anticipated a confrontation, and that is simply not her style.

Even though you gave her time and space, there was no meeting of the minds to solve the problems.

I think she is quite able to express herself as she said with the man across the hall, to whom she could talk comfortably about anything. So, perhaps not so much a fault of her lack of communication, but rather not compatible with yours.

Regardless, the communication decreased, as the problems increased. Her interests were clearly going in a different direction than yours, and in all honesty, I don't think you were really committed to her anyway.

You may very well be pining for what could have been, and we have all been there. There will never be any telling of what could have happened if this or that had been different. But, I do get the impression that you are coping with it being over, and in time, you will naturally seek a partner that has more compatibility with you.

Don't beat yourself up over this. We all sometimes just go with the flow, and time passes before we realize all the mistakes we made along the way that probably contributed to the demise of the relationship.

By doing what you are doing now, you are really investing in yourself because, when you take the time to reflect on what has happened, you are far less likely to repeat the mistakes you made, and it gives you time to realize what you want, and don't want, in a partner. No guarantees, but finding some insight, will make you a better person, and better partner in the future.

Not to mention that it is also very respectful toward your ex, not only because you valued her enough to have a relationship with her, but you also respected her enough to learn how to let her go and find her own way.

Sorry to hear that brother.

You have had a very eventful life, But I wonder if that is what you want?

My questions are: DO you love yourself? Do you know yourself? Do you forgive yourself? Are you being yourself?

"No matter what you do, or how you do it, you will never break the mold and you will always be just like every other person next to you. Save for one thing; only you can be your self." -Benism

If you don't know yourself, you can't be yourself... Can you?

"May you learn to look at the blessings you have, before you search for the blessings you don't." -Nestorian

May peace and kindness be with you.

True love, can be many things. Every one has their opinion, experiences, interpretation, and perceptions about it.

True, as defined at: true definition | Dictionary.com
1. being in accordance with the actual state or conditions; conforming to reality or fact; not false: a true story.
2. real; genuine; authentic: true gold; true feelings.
3. sincere; not deceitful: a true interest in someone's welfare.
4. firm in allegiance; loyal; faithful; steadfast: a true friend.

Love as defined at: love definition | Dictionary.com
1. a profoundly tender, passionate affection for another person.
2. a feeling of warm personal attachment or deep affection, as for a parent, child, or friend.
3. sexual passion or desire.
4. a person toward whom love is felt; beloved person; sweetheart.

Lets say love is a firm genuine, deep affection and loyalty that is built upon a profoundly passionate faithful belief in the binding of two people's lives. Forever they will be attached in one form or another. Personally I would argue that there is also a point to which one may need to learn to let go of a love, simply because only if you truly love some one/ thing will you find the strength to let them go of your own free will. I think that is important, because it lets people know that we don't have to be together just because we "have to", but we stay together because we want to. Also some times, the one's we want to stay with, don't want to stay with us, and so we have to accept that so we can move on. There maybe "soul mates", but it's not clear as to whether we develop, and grow into such, or if it's predetermined for us. Maybe finding our soul mate has more to do with finding ourselves, and in doing so can finally attract our soul mates. Very mysterious is the world that we pretend to know.

Lust= Passion, sex drive and hormones. One night stands, or meaningless flings. (The people that do this seem to show very little self respect, and tend to "...act kinda proud with no respect for themselves." P.O.D.- Youth of the nation)

Love= Passion, sex drive, hormones, enjoy a person's company/ personality, and some respect. (Actually, I think this may be most relationships in our world. In love, but not so willing to see the difference between them self and their lover, and what their relationship really means. There are different types, levels and kinds of Love at this level. Like the women who loves her man so much even when he hits her, or when the man loves his women but she cheats on him. Then there is the couple that is relatively happy together, but don't really grow, or progress because they are too different, or a like, or just don't work well together. )

True Love= The one you will spend your life with, while there is time left to spend. You understand that you may not be together forever, but still live for the moment. You are comfortable with each other, and yourselves. Grow together, and progress in life, due to a healthy balance. When there is a split, it is on good terms, hard, painful still but good. (The "good" split is not to be confused with a careless, reckless, and respect-less split. It is not like the couple who splits and stay's friends and cheats on their new partners with the one they are splitting on good terms with. I might argue that true friends are in true love.)

Soul Mates= True Love + Forever being with your lover as your lover will forever be with you. The one you are dedicated to until death do you part. Perhaps the one you will follow into the after life, what ever it maybe. Know yourself, and you will know your soul mate.

As to whether I believe these... They are possibilities, just like anything, everything, nothing, and something else...

will everyone find love?
That is dependent, do we count the love of GOD as some believe, the Love one feels for themselves, The love of a family or friends?

Love is not all about passion and sex. It's more complicated, and it also depends where what your cultural back ground is. I some times think that is why people are so confused about love, because they feel the same feeling for some one they love as for some one they want to just have sex with. That heated passion, and so on. But love is more than that, it's about connection, and being able to be with the one you love with out invading who they are. So often people get messed up by their feelings saying, "Oh look at this new exciting prospect of adventure..." Then the morals and spiritual guidance kicks in, "This is not right, I may be attracted, but i don't know this person. It's very dangerous, STDs, rape, murder, and so on. I deserve to be treated better then a fluzy, sex toy." Then it's a perpetual war waged within the confines of your own mind. These days people seem more prone to act on basic instinct and feelings than reason, and honorable intentions. Don't get me wrong, that's just an over generalization. There are still people who do care about what happens to one another, and do seem to be happy even after just a one night stand, but not always. Haha I guess I've been hanging around too many rough necks eh? Haha, welders, mill laborers, and such.

All I've given you is just my opinion. No real evidence saying nor suggesting its true.

Peace and kindness be with you.


“If you love someone, does it mean you would be able to let them go and be happy with someone else? Even if its hard as hell for you?”- none12345

You may consider following this, Forgive yourself for past mistakes. Or it will be hard to know yourself. If you can not forgive yourself and thus let go of the past, you may only end up in situations that are too familiar and using your illusions II make things seem good when they are not. As Guns 'N' Roses play,
"Cause yesterday's got nothin' for me
Old pictures that I'll always see
Some things could be better
If we'd all just let them be..."

Forgive yourself, then you can begin to know yourself. No it is very unlikely that we will ever know our self's entirely, for it's an on going progression that lasts through out our entire being, or so it is seems that such advice is important to keep in mind. When we get to know ourselves, we get to understand the connection we have and share with others. Whether it's, a lover, friend, the vary air we breath, the food we eat, the substances we put in our bodies, and the balance between all. Like I said, how can we know our soul mate if we don't know ourselves. So, if we break up with one lover and wish to improve our ability to be in a healthy relationship, then perhaps the best way to do this is by first getting to be ourselves. That means know yourself, and you shall know Love. It can be seen as not true, but I believe that is, for the most part, if you use your illusions II make things seem other than they are. If you can not be honest with yourself, you can not be honest with others.

Love yourself, this is very hard for most, on account that we all have such high expectations for ourselves and one another. This one is very touchy and hard to deal with since it's a very powerful emotion. We tend to try and tighten our grip on it, but no matter how tight to grip it, it just runs through our hands like sand. We become addicted to Love, and in the book "The brain that changes it'self" it is compared to the drug Cocaine. While we have our love, or in my best interpretation that which seems to invoke the feeling of "Love"/"Euphoria", we are "happy". Then we start to associate things with that "Love". Should we loose that "love", we become depressed and miss that “love” dearly.
This is the complex part, we feel euphoric because the pleasure centers in the Septal region of the Limbic system is turned on. This makes us associate what we experience, good or Bad, with the feeling of pleasure. When we are "in Love", on a "manic High" (term for people who have a mental illness called Mania, or bipolar.), or if we are under the influence of cocaine; the threshold at which our pleasure centers will fire is lowered, making it easier for them to turn on. "Neurons that fire together wire together." (this term implies that while the threshold of our pleasure centers is lowered, we associate what ever we do/see/think/feel/smell and generally experience with Pleasure.) Now, the pleasure center has another name, "the appetitive pleasure system" ("Appetitive: 1. An instinctive physical desire, especially one for food or drink. 2. A strong wish or urge: an appetite for learning." - Appetitive - definition of Appetitive by the Free Online Dictionary, Thesaurus and Encyclopedia.) The reason for the strong urge or instinctive physical desire is because the appetitive pleasure system is a dopamine-based system associated with the pleasure of anticipating something we desire.

So now, when we separate from our "love" for too long we suffer from with drawl and the things that we associated with our "love", rather than bringing us happy feelings, they taunt us and serve as a dark reminder of the love we lost. That can change over time, but when the separation is new, it's really hard to look past the pain, and illusions we create. Generally after losing a love, the pleasure center isn't functioning the same, so they crash and begin craving their "love", get anxious, doubt themselves, lose their energy, and feel rundown if not depressed. Like the junky getting a small fix, a letter, e-mail, text message, or telephone message from our "love" gives us that old shot of energy and joy.

Relationships that are regular and routine, well the dopamine in our systems likes novelty, so we have to keep things rather fresh and new, exciting or our brains get bored. They need stimulation, and I've come to wonder if people who have relationship troubles and drink or do drugs regularly, aren't linked to this idea of new and fresh. See, when we do drugs, drink alcohol, we kill brain cells and make it hard for the brain to learn new things. That is only in relative terms though, and a whole new story.

I may be repeating some stuff, sorry about that, but here is more to the psychological perspective on Neurological explanation of addiction/love. I'm having a hard time finding where to start for your Sexual behaviour, and how to use the porn addiction section in the book to explain it. I hope this helps.

"Ok, so we have a pleasure center located in the limbic system, a part of the brain heavily involved in processing emotion, and a Dr. Robert Heath did experiments on humans in this area. He took electrodes, the brain doesn't have feeling, and put them into the septal region of the limbic system and turned it on, the patient would then experience a powerful euphoria, so powerful that one patient pleaded with them not to stop. This same region fires up when pleasant subjects were discussed and during orgasm. These pleasure centers were found to be part of the brain's reward system, the mesolimbic dopamine system.
When the pleasure center is turned on everything we experience gives us pleasure. Cocaine lowers the threshold at which our pleasure centers will fire, making it easier for them to turn on. The three reasons our pleasure center's thresholds are lowered are we do a drug like Cocaine, have a manic high (Manics, bipolar.), or we are in love.
If a person gets high on Cocaine, becomes manic, or falls in love, they enter an enthusiastic state and are optimistic about everything, because all three will lower the firing threshold for the appetitive pleasure system, the dopamine-based system associated with the pleasure of anticipating something we desire. They are sensitive to anything that may give them pleasure, and are filled with hopeful anticipation. Things like nature, flowers, grass, sunshine inspire them; small but thoughtful gestures allow them to delight in all man kind. Doidge, the writer of "the brain that changes it'self", calls this process "Globalization".
Globalization allows us to take more pleasure in the world, and inhibits pain, displeasure, or aversion. Things that normally bother us, don't. We love being in love not only because it makes it easier for us to be happy but also because it makes it harder for us to be unhappy.
Globalization allows us to learn new things easier too; because when we are "in love" we are "happy, and it's harder to be unhappy, we like things we normally don't", and the dopamine helps the brain consolidate "Neuroplasticity". (plastic is the brains ability to rearrange it's neuro-connections to accommodate, the addition of information, sub traction, brain damage, "Hemisphere-ectimy" (I'm not sure how to spell it, YouTube - Brain Plasticity), and various other brain related issues.)

Freud once described the elated effects of cocaine to his fiancee, Martha, in letters. He says, he feels fearless, not fatigued, less shy, increased self esteem, no longer depressed, euphoric, enhances his energy, enthusiasm, and has an aphrodisiac effect. He was describing a state akin to "romantic intoxication". The book says in both cases, the Cocaine high, and "romantic Intoxication" may impair one's judgment. Recent fMRI (functional magnetic resonance imaging) scans of lovers looking at photos of their sweethearts show that a part of the brain with great concentrations of dopamine is activated; their brains looked like those of people on cocaine.

When separated for too long, lovers crash and experience withdrawal, crave their beloved, get anxious, doubt them selves, lose their energy, and feel run-down if not depressed. Like a little fix a letter, and e-mail, or a telephone message from the beloved provides and instant shot of energy. Should they brake up, they get depressed- the opposite of the manic high...
After a time of being with some one, the brain doesn't produce that dopamine like before, if they adapt to well to each other. Dopamine likes novelty. (From NESTORAIN: Some people might say that their spouse/partner is too dull, but really they are just addicted to the unpredictability, and excitement that comes with exploration of a new place. You can do what you'd like here, but it may be wise to try and spice it up a bit, be random some times, spontaneous, and take time away from one another so you both don't get "tired" of one another.) Dr.Doidge believes that this means their "plastic" brains have so well adapted to each other that it's harder for them to get the same buzz they once got from each other.
Dr. Doidge also suggests if this happens to inject novelty into the relationship. Try new activities together, or wear new kinds of clothing, surprise one another. Pretty much keep the brain working, entertained, and learning fresh new things." _ The brain that changes it'self by Dr. Norman Doidge M.D.

I hope that helps, I didn't quite quote the book, but I did paraphrase, and used some lines right from it. Those were just pages 113-116. There is so much more to this chapter on love, mind you it does go into details on porn addiction, sexual perversions and how they may work/happen. Very interesting, as it is the chapter on Acquiring tastes and loves. Very interesting stuff, but if you're not into that, I guess not eh!

Sorry if that's hard to understand as I'm still working on it.

I hope it gives you insight. "Wisdom is everywhere, we need only listen."-Nestorian.

Thanks for all the responses, folks. I was curious about one thing. She said "for now" when I asked her if she wanted me out of her life. I'm going to perceive that as a "yes" but if (big If) she ever does contact me again in the future, what are your suggestions? She will most likely do it via text or IM, or some other indirect method rather than calling me.

I am in the process of healing, and I am not going to initiate any kind of contact. I'm just not sure how I should respond if she wants to talk me later on down the road.

Any advice?

~ Tee

You respond when you are READY to respond. Whenever that time comes, you will know it. Her actions have NOTHING to do with you anymore. Make it clear to yourself, NOW, that the ONLY thing that matters is what you do from here on out to heal. Worry about the rest IF it happens.

If she does contact you, just be prepared for it.

Find out why she wants to talk to you. If it seems as though she is initiating some sort of interest in the relationship again, then it's probably not a good idea to see her.

Rule of thumb is for evey serious relationship, it takes a year to really get back to being secure on your own again, without any leftover emotional ties. To rekindle any contact again while you are still healing particularly, is asking for trouble.

I'd stay clear.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Triysle

Thanks for all the responses, folks. I was curious about one thing. She said "for now" when I asked her if she wanted me out of her life. I'm going to perceive that as a "yes" but if (big If) she ever does contact me again in the future, what are your suggestions? She will most likely do it via text or IM, or some other indirect method rather than calling me.

I am in the process of healing, and I am not going to initiate any kind of contact. I'm just not sure how I should respond if she wants to talk me later on down the road.

Any advice?

~ Tee

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If you are ready, then talk to her, if not... Don't. The choices are yours to make, and you will know what is best when the time comes, but bemindful of your feelings/emotions. Don't let them drive you, keep your head and decide what is right for you. You have Values and goals, keep to them.

May peace and kindness be with you.

This is a piece of advice to help you on your journey of actually learning who you are and to truly help find who you want - what it comes down to is, your number 1 mistake in your past relationships is that you rely on the physical connection to produce a relationship first and then expect the emotional later... with the physical connection coming first there is no true foundation to hold the relationship together. When you are ready to look for love again, start with the emotional connection first then the physical. Actually date and learn what you truly want in that person who you desire to spend your life with. Dating to build that emotional connection can help you measure if the other person truly "fits" with what you are looking for.