Ask Me Help Desk - Adult bipolar son refuses to leave home

I don't know if "Family Law" is the right forum, if not please direct me to the approirate area.

I am a single mother in Florida. My only child is a 20 year old young man who lives with me. I love him more than anything on the planet but his bipolar disorder and refusal to seek help, along with the way he treats me (bullying, verbally abusive, breaking/throwing/smashing my possessions when the bipolar rage gets the best of him) is taking its toll on me mentally, emotionally and even physically. I don't feel that I am helping him by allowing him to live with me under those conditions. But it seems like my hands are tied.

Here's what I have found so far as to why it is next to impossible to get him out of my home:

Police told me that I can't just tell him to "get out" or have him escorted out because it's "his home too." The fact that he contributes absolutely nothing to this household is beside the point apparently.

Police told me I would need to give him a written eviction notice but I can't for the following reasons:

I don't own my home, I rent. According to our local Clerk of Court I would need to get my landlord to do the eviction; a written eviction notice from me would have no legal standing in court.
Even if an eviction notice from were legal and binding, my son has threatened to demolish everything I own in retaliation.
My son's name is not on the lease therefore I'm not even sure that my landlord could legally evict him.
Even if the landlord has the right to evict him I would be fined $100 for every month that he has been living in my home without his name on the lease. I've been here over a year so we're looking over $1000, which I don't have right now!

A police officer had told me that my son could be arrested and/or Baker Acted (involuntary confined psychaitric evaluation) if he were hurting himself, or me, or damaging my property.

Last night he broke a floor lamp by hurling it across the room in a rage. I have had to replace 3 lamps, 1 ceiling light fixture, and a stereo in the last year. Other things have been damaged as well but I haven't replaced them because they weren't essential items and money is tight. And some things can't be replaced, like my mother's china...

At any rate I finally called the police; my son had left by the time they arrived and they said there was really nothing they could do unless he was physically abusing me. I was shocked. When I stated that he destroyed MY lamp, stereo, etc. they informed me that those things were HIS as well since he lives here and it's not against the law to destroy your own possessions. My son returned while the officer was still here and the officer told him that he should contact a mental health agency to see if he can get assistance with getting back on his medications and getting treatment (he has no insurance and currently no income) He agreed to make the calls but as soon as the officer was out of earshot told me he has no intention of calling anyone. He can't see where he has a problem and that I'm the one who probably needs psyciatric help.

So like I said it seems to me that I am stuck and my hands are tied unless my son moves out voluntarily, which he won't do as that would mean he'd have to go out and find (and KEEP) a job. If what the police and Clerk of Court have told me then my son pretty much has free reign to live in my home, eat my food, use (and destroy) my possessions and there is little or nothing I can do about it. Yet at the same time I a living in a powder keg and never know from minute to minute or day to day when I will be verbally attacked, threatened, bullied, etc IN THE HOME THAT I PAY FOR AND MAINTAIN. I fail to see how that is right and fair to me as the head of this household and the sole provider.

Would an attorney possibly be able to find some way to help me out of this mess? And if so what are the chances that I might be able to find one who would take me on Pro Bono? I have very little money and will be unemployed due to layoffs within the next two months.

I just really need an advocate... I've heard everything I could ever want to know about my son's rights as a resident in my home but where do MY rights come into it?? And who will help me to assert and stand up for my rights??

I do need to state that my son is savvy enough and "smart" enough to only use his bullying and verbal abuse tactics when there are no witnessess therefore it's basically his word against mine that these things actually do happen. I might be able to get more help from law enforcement if it was somehow documented...

Thanks for hearing me vent and any advice on whom I should contact is greatly appreciated.

In this area, we have a pro bono/sliding scale law group that would listen to your plea and assign you a legal representative. Also, Catholic Charities or Lutheran Social Services would assign you a social worker as advocate and counselor.

Where generally do you live? I'm a librarian and a counselor and would be willing to do some research for you.

I live in Daytona Beach, FL. In the searching/researching I've done I've seen everything from "It's your house, your rules, if he doesn't like it then tell him to get out" to "It's his house too and he has rights". But I tend more to believe what I've been told by law enforcement and court officials.

But any concrete information you could find, from who I can turn to for help, guidance, advice and advocacy, to what exactly MY rights are as the sole provider of this home would be greatly appreciated.

I gave my son an ultimatum this morning to get up and clean the mess he made with his rage last night, go with me to get a replacement lamp, and call the mental health facility or I will be calling Legal Aid come Monday morning. He refused so my next stpe is to do just what I said I would do. I'll also contact Catholic Charities to see if they can assist me at all. Thanks for that, I never would have thought of them. I always associate them with adoption and foster parenting issues.

Just a suggestion, but why don't you just move since you are renting? It may be less time consuming and less expensive than going through the courts and dealing with attorneys. Find another place to rent and you have a built in eviction notice from the landlord and don't give him the keys to your new place. He'll be forced to move out legally by the landlord (not you kicking him out) and he'll have to get help for his mental issues or a job on his own! It removes you from the whole process and seems like a lot less hassle overall.

This is such a difficult situation to be in. I think it would help to look at this from the future. Long run he is always going to be your son and no matter how much he hurts you, you are going to still love him and that makes it all the harder.

Sadly there are no laws that force bipolar people to take care of their mental health. You do need a lawyer. A lawyer could help you get him out of your house and into a hospital for treatment. The really sad thing is that your son is more likely than not to reject treatment and end up in jail. You could try legal aid or if you have a university nearby you could try the law department for possible pro bono.

I've actually considered doing just that but it's not practical or feasible at this time because I don't have the several thousand dollars I would need to move and also I'm in the middle of a year lease which I would have to buy out of.

And then the fact that it really sticks in my craw that this person, son or no son, who thinks he is due free room and board at my expense, could have the "power" to drive me out of my little corner of the world which I truly love.

I'm not saying it won't eventually come to that but only want to look at it as a VERY last resort.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Sunflowers

This is such a difficult situation to be in. I think it would help to look at this from the future. Long run he is always going to be your son and no matter how much he hurts you, you are going to still love him and that makes it all the harder.

Sadly there are no laws that force bipolar people to take care of their mental health. You do need a lawyer. A lawyer could help you get him out of your house and into a hospital for treatment. The really sad thing is that your son is more likely than not to reject treatment and end up in jail. You could try legal aid or if you have a university nearby you could try the law department for possible pro bono.

It is as you say a very hard situation. My heart breaks that I have to choose between my mental and physical health over the son I love so much. I'm in tears as I'm writing this.

However, there's really not much more I can do to help him. Sure I could try to deal with the abuse he heaps on me and not react to it (which I do try but it always gets to the breaking point eventually), tiptoe on eggshells to try to avoid setting him off and silently be his "maid" to avoid confrontations over his unwillingness to even pick up after himself. And in the long run all that will do is reinforce in his mind that he has no responsibilities whatsoever, which at least for most of us is not the case in the real world.

I know he won't seek out treatment without a court order, and even then he can't be "court ordered" to respond positively to the treatment. You can lead a horse to water...

But at the same time I can't shelter him from the realities of adulthood and this sounds cold on my part but if he refuses to take responsibility for himself and his actions (instead of blaming me for everything that has ever gone wrong in his life) and then taking steps to improve his life not to mention our relationship, then I am spinning my wheels and wasting my money, time, and emotion and all three are right now in very short supply!

You can't make him get help. You might be able to get him temporarily hospitalized, but long term he will most likely reject it. You are doing the right thing. You love him but you have to save yourself!! He can choose to ruin his life, don't let him ruin yours too. Of course it will hurt because you love him but it will hurt a lot more if you let him stay.

You can evict him. Give him a 15 day written notice of eviction (15 days in Brevard, check local laws) and then go to court for eviction.

YOU are his landlord since he is not on the lease. Check out the real estate law board - there are many threads on this issue.

Of course you can evict him, your name is on the lease, so you lease the home, your son is a sub lease or basically a renter from you, even if he does not pay rent, So you can as noted merely give him a notice ( in writing) to move.

Also he should be in jail, and you could have gotten a protective order against him, which would stop him from returning to the home.

The police can not do anything to make him move unless you evice.
** of course they can't do anything if you just lock him out either. Only he could sue you then for a illegal eviction.

So time to stop talking to some police officer that has no idea.

I'm wondering how punitive he will be, breaking and smashing her stuff in retaliation (as he has done before). What could safeguard her stuff and even her person, especially with an eviction?

Quote:

Originally Posted by stevetcg

You can evict him. Give him a 15 day written notice of eviction (15 days in Brevard, check local laws) and then go to court for eviction.

YOU are his landlord since he is not on the lease. Check out the real estate law board - there are many threads on this issue.

That's what I would have thought. Actually I would have thought that since I am footing almost the entire bill to maintain a roof over our heads (not counting the $25 a week he was giving me during the short time he was acutally working) that no formal eviction would be necessary in the first place, but the Volusia County Clerk of Court herself told me that the eviction would have to come from the landlord and that an eviction notice from me would have no legal standing.

That's why at this point I think my best option is to consult an attorney. I don't know what my legal options are but there has to be a way to get him out of my home without a lot of "bloodshed."

Another thing is that the next time he acts up have him committed for 72 hrs. Let them take him. Let them give him an evaluation. He needs it.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Wondergirl

I'm wondering how punitive he will be, breaking and smashing her stuff in retaliation (as he has done before). What could safeguard her stuff and even her person, especially with an eviction?

I've wondered the same thing. In fact a while ago when we discussed the possibility of my evicting him he stated point blank that he would do everything in his power to wreak as much hell on my life as he could from the time the eviction was served until it was executed. I'm not totally worried about my physical safety, he's very cunning and knows just how far he can go without doing something he could be jailed for. He did specifically mention that he would make as much noise when I'm trying to sleep at night as humanly possible, that sort of thing. There's also the off chance that a stray flying object could strike me but beyond that I doubt seriously that he would harm me physically although I do feel he is capable of doing just that. He's a master at the passive-aggressive thing.

He also is slick and smart enough to not make any kind of threats like that in someone else's hearing. So it could end up being a matter of his word against mine.

I'm more worried about the wear and tear on my mental state and how that would affect my performance at work.

Assuming the worst that 15 day notice would be a nightmare to say the least.

Quote:

Originally Posted by BlueMoodsNJustin

That's what I would have thought. Actually I would have thought that since I am footing almost the entire bill to maintain a roof over our heads (not counting the $25 a week he was giving me during the short time he was acutally working) that no formal eviction would be necessary in the first place, but the Volusia County Clerk of Court herself told me that the eviction would have to come from the landlord and that an eviction notice from me would have no legal standing.

That's why at this point I think my best option is to consult an attorney. I don't know what my legal options are but there has to be a way to get him out of my home without a lot of "bloodshed."

You are the landlord.

Quote:

Originally Posted by califdadof3

Another thing is that the next time he acts up have him commited for 72 hrs. Let them take him. Let them give him an evaluation. He needs it.

That's what I asked the officer to do last night. In Florida it's called the Baker Act... any officer of the law or the court has the power to have someone committed for a minimum of 72 hours if they are posing a threat to themselves or others.

The officer told me that in order for him to Baker Act my son he would have had to witness his behavior first hand; and of course my son was long gone by the time the police got to my door. And when he did come home he seemed subdued and calm and therefore not a threat. Hence, no Baker Act.

Oh and the police officer told me that I could take him to the hospital to Baker Act him myself but only if he went willingly. My understanding is that only an officer of the court or law enforcement has the authority to commit an adult against their will.

Quote:

Originally Posted by stevetcg

You can evict him. Give him a 15 day written notice of eviction (15 days in Brevard, check local laws) and then go to court for eviction.

YOU are his landlord since he is not on the lease. Check out the real estate law board - there are many threads on this issue.

Steve I don't know if you are in Volusia County or not but would you happen to know if Community Legal Services of Mid-Florida (basically Legal Aid) handles these kinds of cases?

First evictions are easy, normally the clerk has a fill in the blank form for you to file.

And you are his landlord, and the property owner is your landlord.

Each legal aid does different levels of service often depending on the amount of work load and their staffing, you have to contact them.

Quote:

Originally Posted by BlueMoodsNJustin

Steve I don't know if you are in Volusia County or not but would you happen to know if Community Legal Services of Mid-Florida (basically Legal Aid) handles these kinds of cases?

According to their web site, they do this:

Family Law
Estate & Probate
Landlord/Tenant Consumer Law
Tort Defense Real Property
Wills
Pro Se Divorce Clinics
Legal Clinics Bankruptcy
Employment Guardianships
Courthouse Assistance Projects
Community Education Presentations
Social Security
Personal Injury
Collections
Family/Civil Mediation

I think you could get an order of protection anywhere in the U.S. as clearly ,you are being subjected to abuse.

If you go to the court and petition the court for an order of protection they must act on it.

I am giving you a link for social network to assist in elder abuse,abuse by children is included in this link.

Please also link to the domestic violence hot line they will help you.They will also give you resources to help your son. I am so sorry for your pain.

National Domestic Violence Hotline
Elder Abuse Resources : The Zero 5.0laf - The Official Website of Andrew Vachss