*Long Post* - sorry


Hi, I've been with this girl for about 9 months now. So she just came out of a really rocky relationship about 5 years long. We met at college and at first I was sort of a friend guy giving advice and all that until we finally got together eventually.

Things were going extremely great the first few months, with a few fights here and there, mostly about her issues about the other guy... so we worked on it a couple o months and everything was OK, until that guy came back to our city, there was some tension and some misunderstanding coming from my side in regret (the guy was offering her a sentimental gift from way back, and to me it seemed like he had other intentions) so I talked to her about it and convinced me that she's not that kind of girl to accept something of that value from him, knowing him and that the thought of him disgusts her that she can't stand him... So fast forward to a couple o' months after we bump into him and a friend of his, he was clearly avoiding her but she approached the two herself and started to talk with me being left behind there, so after that I got mad and asked why she had to do that if she says what she says she feels... then she told me that he was just trying to be civil since he was with a mutual friend, and that if it was any other guy from her old high school she'd do the same thing... so after a while of our fight... we eventually forgot about that issue, mainly because the guy has stopped communicating

And just recently the "were spending too much time together" card got pulled... (and I do admit we did spend too much time together often neglecting some friends in the process, and the worst part is that we don't do anything that interesting or exciting, and sometimes it gets used in fights so... my bad) so I let her be still texting from time to time... then everything was OK again. I must admit I had a bit of possessiveness issues and a bit of trust issues as well... so again, its me. She finally left for her backpacking adventure overseas, and we said our goodbyes... so it's the usual deal with LDR with the missing each other and all that stuff, then I read an article that sparked a question, that bothered me for the longest time.

being the rebound guy, so I asked her and then she herself started doubting and asking herself that maybe I was the rebound guy, but then she rationalized that there were 3 people after her the time we met and she chose me. And that what if the rebound scenario did happen? I asked her if she ever thought of me being the rebound, she says not until I brought it up but she hopes I'm not... and she continues on to say that not being with me is the farthest idea in her mind and that if she does loes me it'll be hard but she';; survive but itl take long for her to recover. So again that issue was put behind us.

Then she emails me about her sister getting a job and that she's doing so well she might get hired and that made her worry about the future for her since she's graduating college in a year and that she has no options. So I told her to evaluate her goals and what she wants and found out that both of us have pretty opposite goals and that what she told me before had changed drastically, so this is where things got complicated again. She confessed that she has a past and has a pattern with her relationships. That once she has someone and sees eye to eye with them, she notices all their flaws and dumps them and once she's alone and an easy target for someone to "help" her, the same thing happens all over again, and it seems its happening with us, she seems to not respect my views or opinions and pays less attention to me at times before she left, but the thing is, she always tells me she loves me so much. She admits that she is attracted to power and has high dreams and ambitions and because of this she said that's why she might have a tendency to stray - she caught herself once, recently, about a past ex calling her all the time and when she found out she got into college through scholarship (basketball) the thought of talking to this zoomed by but she thought about me and didn't countinue.

So I decide to talk to her and compromise about events in the future but she says that she doesn't want me making plans for her, but I tell her that I want to for her and that as much as possible both of us will get what we want... she has a bit of hesitation but tells me to stay... so I tell her that nothing bad can come from me wishing to be with her working overseas and that it is still earning money for start up capital. Then she tells me that she's afraid mainly of herself that she may change and that me coming with her and sacrificing a bit would inevitably get me hurt if we have a common goal in mind then she decides she wants something totally different. We still haven't resolved this issue and was wondering if our relationship is doomed? I really want to make this work because I can't really see myself with anyone else, she says she loves me and she's crazy about me and I do believe her (I've had my share of fights with her and I believe I have not been always that good of a boyfriend to her... I've been clingy sometimes and jealous, and been in not favoreable situations... mostly on her part. But we always believed that talking it out and communicating will fix it, and despite all my flaws, she was there, and she never left me) but as I've said her supposed "curse" is starting and the thing about her future. She's coming home in a few weeks, and I've started reading guides and all that - even browsing through this forum and when she's back I want to be the guy she deserves and just take it day by day hoping to work on a lasting relationship and hopefully be able to resolve some lingering issues.

Sorry for the long post. I need all the advice and/or critique I can get, I really need guidance, if something doesn't seem clear or additional info is required please just ask

And by the way she also gave me this talk about how maybe I came in too early to fix her and maybe that's why she has those issues about maybe missing being single.

You have high hopes of building a life with someone who has there own plans to do as they please.

I think you should let them. You can't force someone to be with you, and work with you. That's completely her choice.

The dangers of second guessing yourself as far as who's fault this is or what you could have... should have done will only give you false hope that things will work out if you change, but that seldom CHANGES their mind, as to what THEY want to do.

Give this some thought, Without the emotional attachments.

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maybe that's why she has those issues about maybe missing being single.

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That's a strong hint there my friend, and something you should pay attention to, and let her work her own issues out. She still may never want what you want though, no matter how you may feel.

Yeah, I thought about it and I know that holding her down won't make the situation any better, and knowing her... in the future it'll come back and haunt her again. Anyway there isn't much need to rush though, I think its best to just try to be the best boyfriend I can be without the mentality of making her stay, just plain enjoying the time and caring for each other. I owe it to her, she's really great as a person and as a partner, I enjoy being with her. And maybe in the future we can both pursue what we want and be together. So referring to my title is this relationship doomed?

Just me, when partners are having fun and both are on the same page without expectations, why not?

But us humans, complicate simple situations with our own feelings, that we don't seem to control very well. That's a key to life in my opinion, how you cope with your feelings, and the situations life throws at you.

If you both can make the right adjustments, who knows, but decisions like that are better made based on facts, and not feelings.

There is no step by step guide as to what you should do, that's your choice, and either it works, or it doesn't.