Ask Me Help Desk - Could I ever still be with him.

Sooo... I have been with him for 1 year and a half. I'm 20 and he's 26.

Here's the skinny: He said he doesn't know if he wants a girlfriend right now, he seems to want to be able to go out and drink with his pals and not have to worry about hurting my feelings. We had plans, he changed them because he wanted to go out. He cried a lot. A lot, a lot. Which is weird because normally he doesn't show emotions. He said he didn't know if he was making a huge mistake or not, and that he couldn't say that we shouldn't be together anymore because I was 'too nice'. He kept lingering around when he said he had to go, and I made a comment about not wanting him to leave and he said he didn't want to leave either. During this I told him that I wanted to still be with him, he just needed to show me that he was thinking about me a little more. He said that it was unfair of him to be changing plans on me like that and that he doesn't know why I'm putting up with it and I shouldn't be putting up with it.

He was honestly sobbing the whole time.

I said that I wished I had waited a couple of days to talk to him, because the outcome would probably have been different. He said, "Yea, just give me a call in a few days."

We kissed and hugged goodbye like sad lovers.

So, now I was sending him maybe 1 text every other day and I sent him an e-mail and called him once before finally hearing from him Thursday night. We had a normal conversation as I contemplated how I was supposed to ask the status of 'us'. When I asked that he point blank said, "We're broken up." I told him that I had no idea that what we were, and if I would have known that I wouldn't of tried to talk to him so much... to which he replied, "Yea, I was wondering about that". I kept telling him that I wish he would have made that clearer, and he said that he thought he said it. Never once did he saw that we were broken up. I kept telling him, "If you can't say it, fine tell me and I'll say it for you" during our talk last week.

I asked him why he told me to call him in a couple of days then, I got two different responses... 1. "To get your stuff back." 2. "To see how you're doing."

He is also really upset at the fact that I can't be friends with him and refuse to be friends with him for a long time. I know that every time he calls me (until I am over him) I'm going to be hoping that some how I can get us back together or at least hope that's what he is saying. No matter how many times I explain it to him, he just doesn't understand it. He gets offended when I say I don't want to. When we were talking about us, he was about to leave after I told him that. On the phone last night, he said, "Fine. Fine, I'll drop your stuff off and you won't have to see me." He said that just because we're not dating, doesn't mean he stopped caring about me. Which that's sweet--but what sort of friendship does he honestly think we could have? At least that soon after breaking up.

He also made the comment that he didn't want to be in a relationship for three years and regret it later.

I don't know if I'm analyzing him too much, but he seems like he's more unsure about being with me and because most of his buddies are single he wants to be single too. His friends are incredibly important to him. They were taking a high priority in life and many times it felt like I was losing a battle with his friends for his attention. Which I know wasn't fair to me. And I do think that if I was of age to go to bars (you see, that's what they mostly do) that it would be easier for him to not feel so torn all the time.

I love him, and maybe this was the right relationship at the wrong time. I want to be with him still, and I think he wants it too.. I just don't know. What could I do to either a) figure out if I want to be with him for myself or b) get him to be with me.

Siigh, I know it's long... but thank you for reading this.

Sorry, I don't think either of the options you suggested are a possibility. He's made it very clear he doesn't want to be your boyfriend and you aren't listening to that so instead you are trying to analyze how you can change the situation to your liking and given the information you provided, that's not going to happen. When he says he's not ready for a girlfriend, listen. When he says you are "too nice" that means there are no sparks/chemistry for him to keep him interested enough in you. This isn't about his friends, okay?
I suggest you make a clean break for your own sanity and move on with your life and start dating guys that do see you as a potential girlfriend. Just a tip: when a guy you are with cancels plans with you to be with his friends, not a good sign! That should be your 'exit cue' because he's already looking for outs.

He has said he wants to break up with you. Right now, there is no going back and forth. It was clear as day, he is done.
You might feel like you still want to be with him and that is normal, but obviously he has a lot more growing up to do.
I think your better off without him and you need to learn from this and have your own time to recover from this loss.

Best wishes to you and for your future.

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Originally Posted by pathisfer

Sorry, I don't think either of the options you suggested are a possibility. He's made it very clear he doesn't want to be your boyfriend and you aren't listening to that so instead you are trying to analyze how you can change the situation to your liking and given the information you provided, that's not going to happen. When he says he's not ready for a girlfriend, listen. When he says you are "too nice" that means there are no sparks/chemistry for him to keep him interested enough in you. This isn't about his friends, okay?
I suggest you make a clean break for your own sanity and move on with your life and start dating guys that do see you as a potential girlfriend. Just a tip: when a guy you are with cancels plans with you to be with his friends, not a good sign! That should be your 'exit cue' because he's already looking for outs.

Perhaps that is true. With the whole canceling of plans thing, I wish I could be that assertive about it and just cut him cold turkey... because honestly, I don't think that is how people in a committed relationship should be treating each other. I'm just too afraid of doing something I'll regret later and would be more willing to stick with something. (even though I did imply that I was breaking up with him during that talk(

And who doesn't try to twist and change things to see information in a different light? Especially one that doesn't make me wonder, what was so wrong with me?

And with the whole 'too nice' thing, I really don't agree with that. It came off to me as more of a 'I'm not sure if this is the best choice for me to be making, so I'm not sure if I want to say it yet'. Not so much that the 'spark just isn't there'. Because it was there, I mean, I could see it in his eyes every time he would first come to pick me up. They would light up like it was the first time he ever laid eyes on me--that's how I knew he loves/d me. He just isn't willing to give up bachelorhood for me.

I'm going on roller coaster rides right now, really. I can go from one minute of thinking that this honestly is better for the both of us, to just wanting to see what can be done to get it all back together.

But yea, the whole 'I don't know if I can have a girlfriend' right now statement does ring pretty true and I figure, if I honestly love him I should respect his choice. If he's not ready to be with someone, there's not much I could do to change it. But I still really want to.

I guess too what confuses me the most is about it is why he wants to be friends so badly.

I really want him to look me in the face too and tell me that we're done, I think hearing it from him will make it more real if I'm looking at him not just on the phone... he still has to give me my stuff and I need to see his dog one more time.

When someone tells you they are not ready for a girlfriend, you can't really consider yourself in a committed relationship so I think you need to stop making decisions based on that mentality. You don't have a boyfriend or a relationship to work on here. All you have is your own life to work on and I suggest you start thinking about how you are going to make your life meaningful and happy without him because he's not willing to be in your future.

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Originally Posted by pathisfer

When someone tells you they are not ready for a girlfriend, you can't really consider yourself in a committed relationship so I think you need to stop making decisions based on that mentality. You don't have a boyfriend or a relationship to work on here. All you have is your own life to work on and I suggest you start thinking about how you are going to make your life meaningful and happy without him because he's not willing to be in your future.

I don't consider myself in a committed relationship anymore, because as you've stated before it's over. There's nothing I can do about it now. And I'm trying to get myself to accept that. I don't need to think about how I'm going to make my life happy without him because I know I'll be able to. I don't really care about how.

And if he wasn't willing to be in my future in any shape, why would he want to be my friend so badly?

I think your pushing too much. You don't want to friend you want to his girlfriend.

Why do you put yourself on this emotional rollercoaster? You can get off you know.

Who cares what he wants? He isn't the only one doing the contacting you are too. So you should cut it out.

Time to cut ties with this and stop trying to hold to something that isn't there and stop trying to figure out the reasons behind his actions. You can only control yours.

So move on, move on, and move on.

He needs the reassurance that he's not a 'bad guy' in this situation because he knows he's been taking you for granted and feels guilty about it. He also probably likes you as a person and doesn't want to give up 'all the good stuff' he's getting without giving you a relationship in return. It's really a no-win for you to continue to be friends with him.

Maybe my original post was unclear?

Okay, this is my honest opinion.

He doesn't treat me like I want to be, or how I deserve to be. And he can see that. While I (would like to think) he still cares for me, and is unsure of whether he wants to be with me and he's making the choice that he feels is the right one. And yes, it probably is the choice that's the best one to be made. I don't want to be his friend, if we ever end up as friends it's going to be something that happens completely randomly. We bump into each other in a year, something like that.

I told him, I'm not willing to be his friend. He does not like that answer. I don't think him not liking it has anything to do with 'not wanting to be the bad guy'. Maybe it is, I'm not him. This break up, for me anyway, just happened yesterday. I'm not trying to be his friend by any stretch of the imagination.

I guess I wanted to try to get a little more insight on what he is thinking. Anyone who I know that also know him, tell me the same sort of thing that I personally feel is happening. They also care about my feelings.

I think that right now, yes, we're both done with it.. him more so than myself for sure. As much as I don't want to accept that right now, I need to. I wish there was something I could say or do to make us still together. But I'm not willing to beg, or put up with being second all of the time, and especially if he's not willing to give up being by his friends all the time then he isn't ready to be with anyone exclusively.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Jesushelper76

He has said he wants to break up with you. Right now, there is no going back and forth. It was clear as day, he is done.
You might feel like you still want to be with him and that is normal, but obviously he has a lot more growing up to do.
I think your better off without him and you need to learn from this and have your own time to recover from this loss.

Best wishes to you and for your future.

Move on already. Its over.

It just happened a week ago, more like yesterday. Aren't I allowed to sit and think about it for a little bit?

Thinking too much does not do any good either.

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I want to be with him still, and I think he wants it too..

No he doesn't. He would rather be single and free.

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I just don't know.

Yes you do. He would rather be single and free.

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What could I do to either a) figure out if I want to be with him for myself or

He doesn't want to be with you.

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b) get him to be with me.

But he doesn't want to be with you, so there is nothing you can do except, accept he doesn't want to be with you.

Sorry for your loss, but he doesn't want what you want.

Hmm. So I met up with him again on Monday.
And yes, I heard what he said about not wanting to be with me.

But his actions scream way louder than his words do and it's the exact opposite of what he's saying. I've accepted what he's said and moving on at my own pace.

But I just got to say it, man, you all sound real bitter.

Bitter? We're telling you the truth. We're telling you what you're failing to see. You're trying to sugar coat it because your wounds are extremely fresh right now.

Let the emotions settle and you might see a clearer picture. You cannot stay in contact with this guy, he will only hurt you while not getting back with you, in the long run. Is that what you want?

You saying that the posters here are being bitter, tells me that you're holding onto too much hope which is FALSE. Step back, take a breather and see him for what he really is. A man that doesn't want to be with you anymore. I'm sorry.

No, not because of what I wrote there, but because of other events that recently just unfolded. And well, yes, with all that too. I guess it helps when you know the other person in question a little better.

Not everyone sounded bitter either, I'm just far too lazy to scroll through everything. Ahh, I don't know. I just have no desire to really explain myself or anything right now--save for, I'm not holding on to any false hopes. I'm taking it all in stride, I know for a fact I can find someone else. I don't need him, I wanted and still want him. I am not ready yet to let the memory of him go nor am I willing to get myself over the love I feel for him. In time I may be, but maybe I'll never left myself move forward--who knows.

And it's been a good week now, I've settled everything out in myself as far as super-crazy-truth-blinding emotions. I don't think we've even talked since that Monday. I have no secret hopes of 'omg, he's going to call me tomorrow and want me back!" Do I want that? Sure! But am I living each day thinking that's going to happen? No, I don't even imagine that it's going to.

Ahh, I don't know. You can just feel someone's feelings for you when you're right by them sometimes, and I can honestly tell that he does love me. And no, he doesn't want to be with me, so maybe I love him more? Maybe he doesn't know what he wants right now?

Who the hell knows, or cares.

Yes, I understand you both love each other. This is the thing..

You love him, enough to make things work even though you don't agree with certain things about him.

He loves you, NOT enough to work things out to be with you and giving you up to live the 'single' life.

He loves you, but not as much as you love him. Even as far as him loving you as a person, just not in love with you. That's why it's so hard for him to cut you cold turkey.

As far as your feelings right now. In order to HELP you move on, you need to get a mindset of him leaving you and all the wrong things he's done to make this a positive outcome for YOU.

Trust me, you're better off. The more you stay away from him, the more you will realize it.

Good luck and work hard.

The whole "loves you, but isn't IN love with you" thing isn't something that I buy, really. If he wasn't in love with me, he wouldn't love me at all period. There are things that he obviously prioritizes over me, enough that he doesn't want to be with me.

Or there's something stupid going on in his head. I don't know, I'm the first serious relationship he's had that nothing bad has happened in it. There is a lot of psychoanalyst b.s. that I could pull, but eh. It is was it is.

He HAS left me. I accept that he isn't with me, and like I said before... while I would like to work it out with him I am not expecting nor wishing every night that it does. We're over, and dwelling on him wanting me back isn't going to help me any.

It is positive. I've learned a lot about love and what I want and need from a relationship. I just wish he made it a lot easier to be done with it completely, but we can't always get what we want.

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Originally Posted by annxxdisaster

The whole "loves you, but isn't IN love with you" thing isn't something that I buy, really.

Buy it, buy a lot of it.

This is what's stopping you to truly move on.