Ask Me Help Desk - What is the best course of action?

Hi, I'm new here and looking for some advice.

Im going to get straight to the point with this, so here goes. I had a girlfriend roughly 2 months ago. We were only together for about 6 weeks, but within that time we go so close. Ive been close to other girls before, and this was completely different! We were so good for each other and always talked to one another. But then completely out of the blue, and after an awsome night we had together just talking and messing around, she told me that she can't be with me. I asked her why, and she told me that one of her mates kissed her and that they had talked about getting back together (theyd been with each other before, and continued to be friends), and that they wanted to give it another go, and that it is just "right". This was really painful to hear, but I told her that it's OK and I completely understand her position. She said that she didn't want to be all "what if..." if she didn't do this. We hugged, and I spent a few minutes just lying on the bed with her and she told me that she still wanted me to come round and see her. But then I decided to leave, and just text her on my way home telling her again that I'm OK with this, but I just had to leave to sort out my thoughts.

Since then, I've tried to do the right thing and put my feelings for her aside so that we could just get on. But I've reached the point now, where playing the waiting game is too difficult. Admittedly I have seen another girl in the time we spent apart, but that just made me realise how much my ex-girlfriend still means to me.

We still keep in touch, and when we are together (she sometimes gives me lifts places) we are so good. And you can sort of tell by the way she looks at me that she still has feelings for me; but over easter I did not pay her that much attention because I thought the right thing to do was just to give her some space. Now I'm back, and we have seen each other I get the feeling that even though she might still have feelings for me (or not), that she thinks that I have moved on.

I'm really thinking of telling her how much she means to me, not just for my satisfaction, but I feel that she needs to know. What we had before we broke up was something really special, and I don't that can just be thrown away...

I think I have done the right thing so far, but the fighter in my is telling me to fight for her.

Thanks.

I forgot to mention that when she told me about her decision, she wouldn't stop crying and told me that that this doesn't stop her from liking me, and that I'm so good for her and all of her mates love me.

Sounds like she's pretty confused to me. She'll need time to figure out what she really wants, and if it's you, she'll come back. In the meantime, be prepared to move on with your own life. As painful as it is to hear, you can't wait for her forever.

Quote:

Originally Posted by StNerevar

Sounds like she's pretty confused to me. She'll need time to figure out what she really wants, and if it's you, she'll come back. In the meantime, be prepared to move on with your own life. As painful as it is to hear, you can't wait for her forever.

Yeh your right, but it's been 2 months and she hasn't cut contact with me or anything like that. Which makes me think that something needs to be done. I got the impression that when we split up she kind of felt sad for me, and she probably feels bad for what she's done so even if she did like me I doubt she will ever turn around to me and say she wants me back.

She does have feelings for you, but she is really confused with what she wants. As a result, she is leading you on. The reason she's keeping in contact with you is because you're her safety net. She wanted to go back with her ex boyfriend to give it another try. If it doesn't work out, then you're always there.

Do you really want to be her backup? I know that you like her a lot, but when a girl messes with your mind like that, she's not worth it.

You're not going to be able to trust her when you get back with her. Who knows when she'll start having feelings for her ex again.

It's time to move on and find someone else.

Ok, so some new developments. I asked her to go out with me for a drink and she told me that she isn't ready yet. We talked about it, and she says she's never been in the situation where she actually wants to stay friends with an ex, and because this is new to her she doest know how to deal with it. The way she was speaking to me, pretty much told me that she still has feelings for me, and she's trying really hard to forget them so she can move on. And we both agreed that we should have some time apart from each other for a bit.

But I have been thinking, and I feel like I shouldn't have just agreed with her, instead; just tell her how I feel and how much she means to me, and let her deal with it. Because if she still has feelings for me, then surely she shouldn't be with someone else before she's at least moved on? I am going to give both of us some time apart and see how I feel. It's just we were so good together, and if this other guy wasn't around we would still be together now. I am a fighter, and I want to fight for her because I'm sick of doing the 'right' thing. But the fact that we respect each other so much is holding me back.

Any advice?

Quote:

Originally Posted by calypso321

Ok, so some new developments. I asked her to go out with me for a drink and she told me that she isnt ready yet. We talked about it, and she says shes never been in the situation where she actually wants to stay friends with an ex, and because this is new to her she doest know how to deal with it. The way she was speaking to me, pretty much told me that she still has feelings for me, and shes trying really hard to forget them so she can move on. And we both agreed that we should have some time apart from each other for a bit.

But I have been thinking, and I feel like I shouldnt have just agreed with her, instead; just tell her how I feel and how much she means to me, and let her deal with it. Because if she still has feelings for me, then surely she shouldnt be with someone else before shes at least moved on? I am going to give both of us some time apart and see how i feel. It's just we were so good together, and if this other guy wasnt around we would still be together now. I am a fighter, and i want to fight for her because im sick of doing the 'right' thing. But the fact that we respect each other so much is holding me back.

Any advice?

OK, you need to step up for a second and ask yourself what it is about her that you enjoy so much. If you only knew her for six weeks, and in that short amount of time she couldn't stay committed to you, then what do you think will happen after six months? You are putting unnecessary pressure on yourself to try and make things work, based on a "what if." That's not fair to you, man.

This girl is really confused and doesn't know what she wants right now. Do not allow her to control your life and your emotions right now. I know that you care about her, and you want to show her that you are a good guy and would be a good boyfriend, but she needs to figure that out on her own, without your help. Otherwise, she'll never develop any trust in herself, and it lead to resentment towards you.

Don't assume that just because this other guy showed up that your relationship would have been successful. If she was that confused about what she wanted, she would have someone else soon enough once she lost interest in you. It's not a dig on your character; indecisiveness is probably the most common problem in young relationships, and for one person or the other it usually leads to heartbreak.

Let her figure out what she wants, don't initiate contact, and don't rush to the phone when she calls. She's going to call eventually, but you need to choose whether or not you want to be a "rebound" guy or if you want to be a hard, honest friend to her. Tell her what we've told you today, and be a nice guy about it. But let her initiate contact, when she's ready.

~ Tee

I have a hard time believing if you two were "so good" together, or for each other, then why is it that another guy is breaking you up? I just don't see the point in fighting for someone when they are the ones who gave up. My opinion, if a woman doesn't want me... then BYE. Don't think I will sit here and beg for a female to come back to me. Life is too short.

If she's not ready yet, you can't change that. She needs more time to adapt to what has changed between you two. Also you say that she said she's trying to forget so she can move on. It doesn't seem like she wants to come back. You might want to prepare for the worst in case she doesn't. Take more time from this. No contact does wonders.

Quote:

Originally Posted by StNerevar

If she's not ready yet, you can't change that. She needs more time to adapt to what has changed between you two. Also you say that she said she's trying to forget so she can move on. It doesn't seem like she wants to come back. You might want to prepare for the worst in case she doesn't. Take more time from this. No contact does wonders.

Thanks for the advice, I'm definitely taking some more time away from this. When I said she's trying to forget me, what I meant was that from talking to her I get the impression she is trying to suppress her emotions for me. I think she's under the impression that because of their history together it's the 'right' thing to be with him, whether she still likes me. That's the most painful part to come to terms with.

You could be right, maybe she is suppressing her emotions for you. You could also be wrong, maybe she has none left. Whether it's right or not about her being with him is for her to decide, and unfortunately this is out of your hands. Try to find something you enjoy doing, or spend time with a friend or friends. It'll help you to not think about this so much and it pays off in the end. Stick with no contact and let her work her stuff out.